We said goodbye to Skylar and Sebastian, and drove back to the house. “Come on in,” I said as he pulled into the drive. “I have a bottle of wine we can open.”
“Actually, I’m really tired, Nat.” He yawned with perfect timing. “I think I’m just gonna head home.”
I stared at him, open-mouthed, and finally cracked. “What’s going on, Dan? Why are you so tired all the time, and why do I feel like you’re avoiding me?”
“I’m not,” he said feebly.
“Well, that’s what it feels like. We haven’t had sex in months! Why don’t you want to? Is it me? Is there someone else? Just be honest, please.” I was surprised the tears that threatened to spill over in the bathroom earlier didn’t make an appearance. I actually felt more angry than anything else. “I’d rather know the truth.”
“It’s not you, it’s just—” Dan ran a hand over his chin. “It’s me. And it’s you. It’s us.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
Dan sighed. “I hate it when you swear.”
“Too fucking bad. Now what it is?”
He turned to face me. “OK, I feel like we’ve been together for so long, and now we’re talking marriage, and…” He struggled with what to say next.
“And what? You don’t want to get married? You fucked someone else last night? You don’t love me anymore? Just say it, Dan!”
“No, of course I love you.” He took my left hand and looked down at it. “I love you, Nat, I do. You’re the perfect woman. And I want us to get engaged—eventually.”
“Eventually?” I raised my eyebrows.
“Yeah, but not right away. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. We’re only twenty-six and twenty-seven, you know? And we’ve only ever been with each other.” He flicked a nervous glance at me. “So before we commit to marriage, maybe we should…take a break from each other.”
“A break?” I gaped at him and yanked my hand away. “What the hell does that mean?”
“Just step back a little. Spend some time apart, be free to see other people.”
“So you did fuck someone else last night.” I shook my head, tears of humiliation burning my eyes. “Oh, God. And then I tried to—”
“Natalie—”
“Please just admit it.” I looked him in the eye. “Be a fucking man, and admit it.”
He swallowed. “Fine.”
I felt an inexplicable rush of relief, followed by anger when he spoke again.
“That’s why I think the break will be good for us. I think we need this time to really be sure we’re right for one another.”
“I think you’re fucking insane. This is not how it works. Either we’re together or we’re not. And right now, I think not.” Opening the door, I elbowed my way out of the car and slammed it shut. Dan jumped out as I was stomping my way to the front door.
“Natalie, wait!” He ran up and grabbed my arm, forcing me to face him. “I don’t want this to be the end of us. I just want some time to breathe. We’ve been together for so long. Don’t you ever feel like you want some space for yourself? See who you are when you’re not just half of Dan and Natalie?”
“No,” I said through clenched teeth, although hearing him say that made something start ticking in my brain. “Because I like being part of a couple! It’s never occurred to me that I would need time and space away from that. From the person I’ve spent ten years of my life being devoted to. The person I thought loved me the same way.” But even as I said it, I felt kind of horrible because a truly devoted girlfriend would probably not spend as much time today as I did thinking about Miles Haas naked. Was Dan right? Did we need to step back instead of forward, make sure what we were planning was right? But it had to be right! We’d put ten years of time and effort into this!
“I do love you. It’s not about that.” Frustrated, Dan let go of me and fidgeted with his keys. “But I need to do this, Natalie. Or I’ll always feel trapped.”
I stuck my hands on my hips. “Fine. You go do what you need to do.” I lifted my chin as my eyes finally filled, because I saw this for what it was, even if Dan didn’t. “But I won’t be waiting around for you once you’re done with your alone time or your other people or whatever.”
He pressed his lips together. “Don’t say that. This isn’t the end, Nat.”
“Goodnight, Dan.” Without another word, I marched to the door and let myself in. Slamming it behind me, I locked it and went straight for the booze.
Unbelievable! I thought, as I pulled the top off the vodka. A few tears fell as I poured myself a generous shot, slammed it, and then another. Sniffing, I swiped at my eyes with the back of one hand, my mind a swirling mass of confusion, anger, hurt, dread.
How dare he think he can treat me this way! How dare he fuck someone else and let me sleep in his bed? And how long has he known he was going to do this! He should have been honest from the start. I feel like a complete fool!
I slammed a third shot, and somewhere from underneath all the turmoil in my head sprang a little well of relief. Finally, the truth was out there. Things weren’t perfect between Dan and me, and I didn’t have to go on pretending they were. I didn’t have to wonder why the sex wasn’t passionate. I didn’t have to worry that something was wrong with me. Because there wasn’t! I was hot, dammit! Maybe I wasn’t as gorgeous as Skylar or as thin as Jillian, but I had some nice assets of my own. Miles said my buns were amazing.
Miles.
My blood warmed at the thought of him. Or maybe it was the vodka.
But Miles wanted me, right? Miles would never turn me down.
I took another swig of vodka, right from the bottle. Little seeds of want planted themselves inside me.
I want to kiss Miles.
I want his hands on me.
I want to touch him everywhere.
I watered the seeds with more vodka, and they multiplied.
I want to hear him say he wants me.
I want to see him lose control over me.
I want to feel him inside me.
I tipped back the bottle again and admitted to myself what I’d been denying for two days.
I want to fuck Miles.
And now I can.
After one final shot for courage, I grabbed my phone, ordered myself an Uber, and punched in Miles’s address. In the five minutes I had before the car arrived, I used the bathroom, changed from my usual plain underwear into something with lace, and brushed my teeth. What I didn’t do was think too hard about the actual act of seduction.
Whatever. I’d wing it.
My stomach was jumping with nerves, so I took one more swallow of vodka, grimacing as it burned its way down my esophagus. When I saw headlights in the driveway, I bolted out the door, pulling it shut behind me. The booze hit me as I hurried toward the car, but I managed to stay on two feet and get myself into the back seat.
On the ride to Miles’s, I texted him.
Hey are you home?
The reply came immediately. Yes. Writing tonight. What’s up?
Yay! I’m coming over!!!
Should I put on the gimp suit?
I snorted. That’s funny you’re funny I like you.
WTF are you drunk?
Cackling with glee, I tossed my phone back in my purse. Miles was hilarious. And cute and smart and sweet and he did have a thing for me, didn’t he? He wanted me, right? And when he saw me in my underwear, he wouldn’t be able to resist me. Not like Dan. “Asshole,” I muttered, right before another hiccup.
“I’m sorry?” said my driver.
“Nothing.” Dang it, weren’t we there yet? I was coming out of my skin with excitement, bouncing around in the backseat like a puppy. This was the best plan ever!
Finally, the big old house came into view, and my heart beat quicker when I saw the light on in Miles’s bedroom window and the living room. “Thanks,” I yelled, jumping out of the car before it even came to a complete stop. I ran up the front steps and banged on the big wooden door. Miles pulled it open, and before he could say anything, I lunged for him, smashing my mouth against his and throwing my arms around his neck.
I knocked him backward about five feet, his heels hit the bottom step of the staircase, and he went down on his ass. I ended up straddling him, one knee on either side of his legs, which I thought was perfect. Congratulating myself on the excellent choreography, I wiggled my hips a little.
“Natalie…what the hell?” Miles tried to pry my face off his. His glasses had been knocked askew, but he looked absolutely delicious. His hair was messier than usual, and he hadn’t shaved in a few days, so his scruff was more like a beard. Dan was always clean-shaven, so kissing Miles felt totally different and thrilling. I’m kissing Miles! Finally! Nine years of suppressed desire bubbled to the surface.
“I want you to fuck me, Miles,” I breathed, right before a hiccup. “And you want to.”
“What?” His voice cracked, and he adjusted his glasses. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, crazypants, what is this?”
“This is fire.” I planted sloppy, drunken kisses across his face. “Hey, your beard is softer than I spected. Ex-spested. Expected.” I rubbed my face on his jaw.
Miles laughed uneasily, pressing me back by the shoulders. “What have you been drinking tonight, Jezebel?”
“Wine. And vodka.” Biting my lip, I reached beneath his t-shirt and ran my hands up his sides. “Take this off. I wanna see you naked.”
“Oh, Jesus.” He grabbed my wrists and held them away from his body. “What is with you? Where’s Dan?”
I pouted. “I don’t want to talk about that asshole.”
“Why?”
“Because. He doesn’t want to have sex with me.”
Miles looked incredulous. “He doesn’t?”
“No. But you do. You’re always talking about it.” I tried to lean over and kiss him again, but he held me off, so I bounced on him a little, riding him like a kid on a merry-go-round pony.
“For fuck’s sake, Natalie, will you stop it? Just wait a second.” Somehow, he got to his feet and set me on mine, then went behind me to shut the front door, which was still wide open. When he paused with his hand on the handle, probably trying to gather his wits, I launched myself at his back, wrapping my arms and legs around him. Burying my face in the crook of his neck, I inhaled deeply.
“Mmm. You smell so good.” I licked him below the ear. “You taste good too.”
He groaned, grabbing me beneath the knees so I didn’t slide off, and walked into the dark living room. In front of a long, floral-upholstered couch, he turned around and sat down, trying to deposit me on it. “Get off.”
“No.” I clung even tighter. “Are we going to do it on your mother’s expensive couch? I don’t think she’d like that.”
“No, we are not.”
“So take me to your bed. Blindfold me. Tie me up. Fuck me!”
“Jesus, Nat, the only place I’d take you tonight is the loony bin. Now let go so I can turn on the light and get you some water. Or a tranquilizer dart.”
“Come on, you want me,” I cooed. “I know you do.” I reached beneath his arms and ran my hands up and down his torso. He sighed exasperatedly, but he let me. Beneath his soft black t-shirt I felt the ridges of his abs and giggled. “I like your nice muscles. They’re hot. You’re hot stuff.” One of my hands strayed south to his belt. Putting my lips right by his ear, I whispered, “Why don’t you take off your pants, hot stuff?” This might have had a more seductive effect had I not punctuated it with a giant hiccup.
He shook his head. “You know, I’ve had a lot of fantasies about you. A lot. But they never went like this.”
“I was less daring?”
“You were less drunk.” He put his hand over my wrist. “Just how much alcohol have you had?”
“Dunno.” I shrugged. “Doncare.”
He sighed again. “Yes, you do. You will.”
“No, I won’t! Now why aren’t you being fun? Your whole life is all about sex and fun and now that I’m ready for some, you don’t want me?”
“It’s not that.” He tried to get up but I hung on tight.
“Then what?” I succeeded in sliding my palm over his crotch, and I could not resist a squeal of delight when I felt the solid bulge there. “Ha! You do want me!” I hiccuped loudly in triumph. “You’re hard!”
“Of course I’m hard!” he snapped. “A hot girl has her legs wrapped around me and her hand on my junk. And you’re not wrong—I do want you. I’ve always wanted you.” Two seconds later, he had me on my back, my wrists pinned over my head. His face hovered right over mine, his breath warm on my lips. “But not like this.”
“Like what?”
“Impaired.” His eyes searched mine. “Angry. Hurt. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you and your asshole boyfriend, but I’d be the biggest dick in the world if I took advantage of you right now.”
“You wouldn’t be! I want this.” His knee was wedged between my legs, and I squeezed it with my thighs. God, that feels good. “I need this.”
Miles closed his eyes and exhaled. “Yes, you do. You need this and want this because you’re looking to get back at Dan. But I’m not interested in those terms.”
“Since when do you care what the terms are?” Angry that he’d fuck a stranger at the bar and had many times, I got in his face. “Casual sex is your thing, right single guy? Just treat me like another body or whatever.”
He laughed, brittle and quick. “That’s out of the question.”
“Why? Why is it OK for you to have sex with total strangers, even two at a time, and not me?”
“It just is.”
“Fuck you, Miles! You’re a tease!” Panicking that he was going to reject me too and I’d die of frustration, I changed tactics, wiggling anxiously beneath him. “Look, I need this and want this because I haven’t had sex in months, and I’m all hot and bothered right now, and you’re gorgeous and you’re here and I like you, so just shut up and do it already, OK?”
“Oh, fuck. This is a nightmare.” He glanced toward the ceiling. “I hope you know the sacrifice I’m making here. You could at least give me a bestseller after this.”
“Miles, please. Please.” Lifting my head, I brushed my lips against his scruffy jaw, softening my approach. “Say yes.”
He groaned and looked down at me again. “I can’t. Because tomorrow, when you and Dan make up from whatever fight you’ve had, the way you always do, I’ll be the asshole that fucked you when your defenses were down, and you’ll never speak to me again.”
Oh, God. He really was saying no. Just like Dan had. I turned my head to the side so he wouldn’t see the tears of humiliation in my eyes.
He squeezed my wrists tights. “Look at me, Natalie. Look at me.”
His tone was so forceful, his grip on me so tight, I had to do as he asked.
“Believe me when I say I want nothing more right now than to tell my conscience to fuck off, take you upstairs, blindfold you, tie you up, and spank you for being such a bad girl. Then I’d spend the rest of the night making you come over and over and over again. I’d fuck you so hard you’d forget your own name, let alone your stupid boyfriend’s.” He lowered his lips to my ear. “But if and when I fuck you, it’s going to be about you and me, and no one else. Understand?”
A shiver moved through me, making my entire body tingle. In fact, for a second I thought I might come just from hearing Miles say those words to me. “Yes,” I whispered.
“Good.” Releasing my wrists, he stood up. “I’ll get you some water and put some coffee on.”
He left the room and I shut my eyes, putting both hands over my stomach. Oh God, oh God, oh God. I didn’t know which was more powerful, my humiliation at being turned down or my raging lust. Had Miles really just said all that to me? It sounded so good. Not once in twenty-six years had I been talked to that way, or treated the way he’d described.
I wanted it.
I wanted it so badly.
I understood why he’d refused me, and maybe I did need to examine my motives for coming over here so soon after Dan admitted he’d cheated and asked for time apart. Did I really want to sleep with Miles? Had I just raced over here out of spite? Or was it because I was hot in the pants and thought he’d be a sure thing?
Jesus. This was so embarrassing. I’d been rejected by not one but two men in as many days: my own boyfriend, and a guy who once had sex in an airplane bathroom with a flight attendant whose name he had forgotten by the time he told me about it.
(How was that even possible? There is no room in those bathrooms!)
What the hell was wrong with me? Bringing my hands to my face, I curled up in a ball and wept into them.
A week ago, my life had seemed right on track.
What had gone wrong?