It was hot, the hottest August we’d had in years. And the heat was mean, the kind that made you feel exhausted all day long but refused to let you sleep at night. I don’t know how long I stood beneath her window, toying with the rocks in my hand, sweating my balls off and arguing with myself. Should I tell her or not?
Yes. She deserves to know.
No. It’s none of your business.
All summer I’d listened to Natalie ramble on about Dan, a thick-chested, empty-headed jerk-off I’d seen making out with another girl in his car at the fucking gas station two weeks ago. And I knew it was him because of his stupid license plate that read DAN 32 for his football number. Why the fuck I didn’t pound on the window and punch that bastard in the face, I have no clue. And I said nothing to Natalie, either, although it made me crazy to keep it from her. But it wasn’t like I was in love with her or anything. What the hell did I know about love? I was eighteen, for fuck’s sake. I loved sex and blowjobs and nachos.
But she mattered to me. And she could do so much better. It killed me to think of the way he’d betrayed her trust. I thought relationships were the worst idea ever, but if you were going to be in one, you should fucking be in it and not dick around. Especially on a girl like Natalie.
Fuck, it’s sweltering. I need to do this or go home.
Impulsively, I tossed the first rock, and then the second. She appeared at the window a moment later and opened it.
“What are you doing?” she whispered.
“Come down.” This was not the kind of conversation you had through a screen.
“OK.” She closed the window and disappeared from view. I loved how she didn’t even question why I wanted to talk to her in the middle of the night. She just said OK and trusted that there was a good reason. This was a good reason, wasn’t it? The truth?
But then she came out of the house and tiptoed across the deck toward me, and my chest got tight. She wore shorts and a little white top that showed off her swimmer’s arms and the tops of her breasts. I’d stared at them a lot this summer when I hoped she wasn’t looking and got myself off daily to the thought of them. Her ass, too. She had the most unbelievable ass you can imagine, and in my wildest jerking-off fantasies she let me come all over it. Sometimes I felt guilty thinking about my friend like that, but not enough to stop.
“Hey,” she said quietly. Even in the dark, I could see the concern on her face.
“Hey.”
“God, this heat.” She reached behind her neck and piled her hair on her head. My dick jumped to life. She had no idea how sexy she was. “So what’s up?” she asked. “You OK?”
For a long moment, I just stared at her. A strange hollow formed in my chest, creating an ache I’d never experienced before and couldn’t name. Or maybe wouldn’t name. But one thing was certain—I couldn’t hurt her. The truth wasn’t a good enough reason.
“Yeah. I just wanted to say goodbye.”
“Goodbye!” She dropped her arms. “But you aren’t leaving until next week.”
“I changed my mind. I’m going in the morning.” Until that moment, I hadn’t planned to leave early at all. But standing here with her, seeing how perfect she was and knowing that she was giving herself away to that asshole was too much to handle. She’d told me sex with him was “beautiful” and “fast” and I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or hurl.
“Why are you leaving so soon?” she asked.
“I don’t know. Just ready to get out of here, I guess.” I glanced toward the driveway. “Saw Dan’s car here earlier. You guys get back together?”
“Yes.”
My hands curled into fists inside my pockets. “Why?”
“What do you mean, ‘why?’ Because we want to be together. We shouldn’t have broken up in the first place. They were only rumors. I was just being jealous and stupid.”
Jesus. She thought it was her fault? How could she be so smart and so stupid at once? “Yeah, I was gonna tell you that.”
Exasperated, she put her hands on my chest and shoved me backward, and I smiled at her feistiness.
“Kidding, kidding. You know I’d never think that about you.”
“No, I don’t.” She stuck her hands on her hips. “You say that stuff to me all the time.”
“That’s only because your reactions are fun. I love making you mad.” That was true, but right now it also felt safe. Her body was looking way too good to me right now, and my shorts were way too tight in the crotch.
“This is what you had to tell me before leaving? How you really feel about me?”
Oh, Jesus. I put my hands back in my pockets and tried to adjust myself. “How I really feel about you. You don’t want to know that.” I’d sort of meant it as a joke, since I was dealing with an uncooperative erection at the moment, but Natalie’s face was serious.
“Yes, I do. Tell me.”
Oh, fuck. What was the right thing to say here? The thing that wouldn’t ruin our friendship forever?
I decided to go with a truth, if not the truth. “I think Dan is the fucking luckiest bastard on this planet, and he better fucking realize what he has and treat you right.”
“That’s what you think about Dan.” Her eyes dared me to answer differently. “What do you think about me?”
Thunder growled above us, and the rain would start any minute. The air was hot and heavy with it.
Fuck it. I’m just going to be honest.
“I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. I think no one will ever be good enough for you, least of all me, but all I want to do right now is kiss you. Well, that’s not all I want to do. But it’s a start.”
She gasped and went perfectly still. And then the most amazing thing happened. She swayed forward, lifting her lips toward me as if she actually wanted me to do it. My hands clenched and my stomach muscles contracted. God, if it were any other girl, I’d have grabbed her and pulled her down on top of me in the grass already, impending thunderstorm or not. But it wasn’t any other girl—it was Natalie, and I knew she’d regret this. I had to do the right thing.
“But I can’t.” I tore my eyes away from that waiting mouth.
“Huh? I mean, no. You can’t.” Flustered, she backed away from me, her hands knotted in front of her.
Thunder rumbled again; the storm was getting close. “You should get inside,” I told her. The longer we stood out here like this, the less I cared about doing the right thing.
“OK.” But she didn’t go. She threw herself at me, her arms wrapping around my waist, her cheek pressed against my chest. Oh fuck, she feels good. I put my arms around her and held her tight, trying desperately not to think about her breasts crushed against me. This was the closest we’d been physically in years, maybe ever. Did it mean she wanted me that way? Was she really going to cheat on her boyfriend?
A little sob and then another escaped her, giving me the answer.
No, she wasn’t. And it was better this way.
It made goodbye easier, it made our friendship easier, it made my life easier.
“Hey.” I gave her shoulders a little shake. “Enough. You’ll get snot on me.”
She laughed and stepped back, wiping at her nose. “You deserve it for saying that stuff to me.”
“You’re probably right. But you asked how I felt.”
“Yeah, I guess I did.” She sniffed and shook her head, like she couldn’t believe what was happening.
Lightning illuminated her pretty face, making my chest ache again. Had I just fucked up my one and only chance with her?
“Email me, OK?” Her voice was quiet. “Let me know how school is.”
“OK.” I watched her scurry back across the lawn and over the deck as rain began to fall. When she was safely inside the house, I walked back home and sat on the porch a while. Probably I should have gone in and started packing since it was too hot to sleep anyway, but I didn’t. I just sat in an old wooden chair and stared out at the rain, wondering if I was a nice guy or the biggest fucking idiot on the planet.
Damn this heat.
It was making me crazy.