Instead of going home, I drove to Dan’s condo after leaving Miles in the parking lot. I had it in mind to surprise him in bed wearing something sexy—except that I had nothing sexy, not at Dan’s and not even at my house. I slept in tank tops and shorts. One Valentine’s Day, Dan had gotten me a red lace nightgown but it wasn’t the right size. I took it back and picked out a fuzzy pink robe instead. Red lace wasn’t really my thing.
Now I was beginning to panic that sexy wasn’t really my thing. Maybe I was the problem in our sex life—was I boring? Passive? Uninspiring? What could I do to spice myself up a little?
I thought of Miles letting some woman tie his balls to a wall and felt like a cloistered nun. It wouldn’t even occur to me a man might like that! I could sort of understand something like a blindfold or whipped cream, but really? Being tied up felt good? Maybe I’d been missing out. Not that I was going straight to bondage tonight, but after bragging about our fire to Miles this morning, I could at least try to light one.
Dan wasn’t home yet, so I hurried into the master bathroom and rummaged around in the vanity drawers. Maybe I had some scented lotion or something, and we could give each other massages. That was sexy, right? Or at least sensual? Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anything other than unscented Eucerin, which did not say unbridled passion to me.
Frustrated, I threw it back in the drawer and decided to hunt around for a candle. I managed to find one fat, short pillar in the linen closet, and I found the lighter in the kitchen junk drawer.
In the bedroom, I lit the candle, took off all my clothes and slid beneath the covers. Immediately, I thought of Miles. Was he still at the bar? Or was he getting it on with that bartender by now, his face buried in her breasts, his hands on her ass, his hard cock driving deep inside her? Jealousy stole my breath for a moment.
Don’t think about it. It’s none of your business.
I checked the time on my phone and discovered it was nearly eleven. I hoped Dan wouldn’t be too much longer since I had to get up in about five hours, but I didn’t want to call him to check. That would ruin the surprise. Maybe I could take a nap—that was a good idea, right? I could nap, and I’d wake up all refreshed when I heard him come in. Then I’d attack. I’d be aggressive and confident. I’d whisper dirty words, tell him exactly what I wanted him to do to me, and that would turn him on so much he’d be unable to hold back. That worked in the movies, anyway.
Closing my eyes, I lay back and thought about what to say.
I want you to fuck me.
Gasping, I pulled the sheet to my chin. Could I really say that? Dan would probably have a heart attack. Not that I was totally silent during sex; I made the appropriate noises and all, said the usual that feels good and mmmmm and yes yes yes, oh oh oh kind of thing, but I’d never been more explicit than that. Neither had Dan, really. He cursed a lot, and he grunted and moaned and breathed hard, but he wasn’t a talker. Maybe it stemmed from having to be quiet when we were teenagers and we used to do it in our parents’ houses. Back then we had to be silent and quick or risk discovery. Dan was still the master of quick, and he’d learned how to get me off pretty fast as well, so maybe the habit of being quiet had stayed with us too.
Not anymore, I decided. We were going to change it up. We needed something different, something to revitalize us. We were too young to be boring! I liked that we were first for each other and would be last for each other, but we didn’t have to be the same for each other all our lives, did we?
I want you to fuck me.
Just thinking the words made me feel sexier. I want you to fuck me. Without thinking about it, I slipped one hand between my legs and touched myself, imagining a warm body between my thighs, a hard chest brushing against my nipples, a low voice in my ear.
You want to get fucked?
Oh, shit. My eyes flew open. I knew that voice, and it wasn’t Dan’s. Heart racing, I quickly placed my hands flat on the mattress next to my hips and squeezed my legs together as if I’d been caught doing something wrong. I did not want Miles to fuck me. I couldn’t want that.
• • •
I must have fallen asleep, waking when I heard the front door to Dan’s condo shut. The candle was still burning, but it was much lower, and I picked up my phone to check the time. One twenty-seven? Where the hell had he been all this time?
His brawny shape filled the doorway. “Natalie? What are you doing here?”
“I was waiting for you.” I propped myself up on my elbows, squinting at him. “How come you’re so late?”
“I told you. We went out after playing.” He made a beeline for the bathroom, so I thought he was going to use it and come right back out, but a minute later I heard the shower running.
Confused, I sat all the way up. Why was he showering now? Hadn’t he cleaned up at the club like normal after playing tennis?
I blew out the candle, switched on the bedside lamp, and got out of bed. After pulling on my underwear, I knocked on the bathroom door. “Can I come in?”
“I’ll just be a minute.”
I crossed my arms over my bare chest, cold all of a sudden. “Didn’t you shower at the club?”
He didn’t answer right away. “No.”
I backed away from the door and went into his walk-in closet, pulling a clean t-shirt from a drawer. After slipping it over my head, I got back between the sheets and waited for Dan to finish up in the bathroom, trying to think about what he’d been wearing before jumping in the shower. Was it tennis clothes? I didn’t think so, which meant he must have put on clean clothes without showering, and then gone out sweaty. Granted, it was just pizza and beers with the guys, but it was weird to me that he wouldn’t have cleaned up first.
A few minutes later, he came out of the bathroom wearing a towel and went into his closet, coming out in his underwear. He set his alarm before climbing into bed and dropping his head on his pillow, eyes closed. “Can you turn off the light? I’m fucking exhausted.”
“Sure.” But I stared at him for a moment. His face was so familiar—the same dark brown hair, square jaw, and high forehead I’d been looking at for the last ten years. I knew his features as well as I knew my own. Why did he look different to me right now?
“The light please, Nat?” He sounded annoyed.
“In a minute.”
He opened his eyes. “What?”
“I came over here to surprise you.”
His eyes closed again, but he managed a small smile. “Thank you. It’s nice.”
I took a breath. “I was hoping to seduce you.”
“Seduce me?” He chuckled.
“Yeah.” I slid down under the covers, put an arm around him, and pressed my lower body against his, trying to work up more enthusiasm than I actually felt. “We haven’t done it in a while. I was hoping to remedy that.” I felt nothing stir between us. Or within me.
He patted my back. “Not tonight, babe. So tired.”
Don’t be boring. Be fiery. Even though I wasn’t really feeling it, I reached between his legs to encourage him a little and he jumped, pulling away from me. “Hey. Not tonight, OK? I said I’m too tired.”
“Oh. Sorry.” Feeling rebuffed, I turned away from him, reached out and switched off the lamp, then got back under the covers. Dan started snoring right away, but I lay on my back for a while, staring at the ceiling.
This was not the rekindling of desire I’d hoped for. On the contrary, it was awkward and embarrassing, and it forced me to take a good hard look at the truth.
Something was off.
Something had been off for a long time.
• • •
After work the next day, I went home and took a two-hour nap. I’d felt like the walking dead since my alarm went off, going through the motions of my work day without speaking any more than necessary, and nearly dozing off ten different times. The moment I got home, I collapsed onto my bed fully clothed. Facedown, I slept hard, and I woke up to the sound of my cell phone ringing. It was Dan.
We hadn’t spoken at all yet. I’d gotten up and left for the shop without waking him, and he hadn’t called me from work. The shower thing had been bothering me all day, because the only explanation that made any sense at all—that he’d been with another woman—was so unpalatable.
It’s not that I was mad—I couldn’t really blame him for spoiling my seduction scene, since he hadn’t known about it in the first place, and by one-thirty in the morning, I was tired too. Still, I’d been willing to have a go at it, and it rankled a bit that he hadn’t even been interested in trying. He was twenty-seven, for heaven’s sake! Weren’t guys his age supposed to be ready to go all the time? I bet Miles never turns a woman down because he’s tired. In fact, all day long, I’d been shoving the image of him and that bartender out of my head. I had no idea why it bothered me so much—I’d been reading about his sex life for years without being envious or judgmental. But now it felt different.
Frowning, I rolled onto my back and accepted the call. “Hello?”
“Hey, babe.”
“Hi.”
“You about ready?”
For a second I was confused, and then I remembered we were having dinner with Skylar and Sebastian tonight. “Oh, crap. I forgot. I’ve been asleep for two hours.”
“Want to bail on dinner? I’m tired too.”
“No.” I sat up and ran a hand through my hair. “We can’t do that. Just pick me up in twenty. I can get ready fast.”
“OK.”
I pinned up my hair and quickly jumped in the shower, the warm water reviving me a bit. As I soaped, I thought about Miles’s fingertips on my tattoo last night, and felt an unwelcome pull in my stomach. Jeez, Miles, get out of my head already! But as I dried myself off, I wondered what he’d done today and what he was up to tonight. Did he have other friends in town? Would he see Jamie again? Would he spend the night in alone? I entertained a brief fantasy of us just hanging out on the couch watching TV together before getting mad at myself.
Stop thinking about him, and don’t even bring his name up tonight. You’ve got enough to deal with in your relationship without adding any jealous tension. Forcing Miles from my thoughts, I chose a black sundress and sandals from my closet, and had just enough time after putting them on to shake out my hair and put on a little makeup. Dan knocked just as I was tucking a few things into a small purse, and I grabbed my keys on the way out the door.
“Hey,” he said, kissing my cheek. “You look great.”
“Thanks. So do you.” Dan always looked good in a suit. I liked the way his big shoulders filled out a jacket, although he always complained it made finding the right size difficult. Built totally different than Miles, I thought, foiling my plan to stop thinking about him. Both have nice, athletic bodies, but Miles has a leaner frame. A soccer player’s body, not a linebacker’s.
On our way to the restaurant, I noticed Dan kept biting one of his thumbnails, which he did when he was nervous about something. He wasn’t talking much, either. Maybe he’s embarrassed about last night. “Everything OK?” I asked.
He dropped his hand to the wheel. “Sure. Why?”
“I don’t know. You seem worried or something. You’re so quiet.”
“Oh. Sorry.” Glancing at me, he made an attempt at a smile, but it was pretty weak. “I’m just tired.”
I groaned. “Me too. I stayed up too late.” I was hoping he’d take the chance to say something about last night, even make a joke, but he didn’t. Eyes on the road, he drove the rest of the way in silence, his thumbnail finding its way back to his lips.
He seemed like his usual self during dinner, conversing with Sebastian about sports and politics and a few mutual acquaintances while Skylar babbled nonstop to me about the wedding. She’d completed her bridal registry that afternoon, and was all excited about the china pattern she’d chosen.
“I don’t know where she thinks we’re going to keep all those dishes.” Sebastian shook his head. “I’m going to have to build a second cabin on the property just to house our wedding gifts.”
“Oh, stop. It’s not that much stuff. We’re only having a hundred or so guests anyway. It’s not like it’s a giant affair.”
That had surprised me, actually. Jillian too. We’d both imagined Skylar would want nothing short of an epic bash when she got married since she’d always adored a big production, especially if she was the star. But she was really trying hard to keep things more intimate. Mia Fournier, the woman Skylar worked for at the winery, had previously been a wedding planner, and the two of them were in their glory planning this event. Apparently it was going to be photographed for a spread in a wine magazine, so every detail had to be perfect. I had no doubt it would be—when it came time for my wedding, I hoped Skylar would help me plan it too.
If I ever have a wedding. I looked over at Dan, who was cutting a piece of New York Strip and asking Sebastian about his truck. “I’m thinking of getting one like that,” he said.
I blinked at him. “You’re selling the Mustang?”
“No. I’d keep that and use the truck for more work-related stuff.”
“I didn’t know you were thinking of doing that.” A new truck would be expensive. Where would he find the money?
He shrugged. “I haven’t decided anything yet.”
I dropped my eyes to my plate of salmon and asparagus and said nothing, but from my left I felt Skylar staring at me.
After dinner plates had been cleared and we’d ordered coffee and dessert, she stood. “Nat, come to the bathroom with me.”
“OK.” I picked up my purse and followed her back to the ladies lounge. We each used a stall, and then stood washing our hands next to one another. In the mirror, I could tell she was looking at me strangely. “What?”
“I was about to ask you that,” she said, taking a towel from a basket on the vanity and drying her hands. “You’ve been acting weird all night, and it’s obvious there’s tension between you and Dan. Is it the house?”
“What about the house?”
“I keep thinking you want him to move in and he’s putting it off for some reason. The money excuse sounds kinda flimsy to me, especially since he’s talking about buying an expensive new truck.”
I sighed. “It’s not the house. You know what, I don’t even care that he’s not making plans to move in. Which is part of the problem—I should care. I should want him to live with me, and I feel completely ambivalent about it.”
“Then is it Miles?”
I coughed. “Miles Haas?” I said, like it was the most absurd thing she’d ever said.
“Yeah.” She put the towel in the hamper and took her lipstick from her purse. “I ran into him today at the grocery store. He said he’d seen you last night.”
“We had a beer and some food at the Jolly Pumpkin, that’s all.” I hated how defensive I sounded. “Why should that cause tension?”
My sister rolled her eyes. “Because he’s always had a thing for you and Dan knows it.”
“What?” I screeched, throwing my towel in the hamper. “That’s ridiculous. Miles and I have never had a thing.”
I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met.
“I didn’t say you guys had a thing, I said he’s always had a thing for you.” She capped the lipstick and rubbed her lips together. “At least, I always thought he did. I was surprised you two never hooked up.”
“I’ve always been with Dan,” I said, unhappy with the way my heart was skipping beats at the thought of hooking up with Miles. It was too late for this.
I think no one will ever be good enough for you, and all I want to do right now is kiss you.
“I’d never cheat on Dan,” I went on, as much for my benefit as for hers. “And besides, you’re crazy. Miles doesn’t have a thing for me. He’s just a flirt.”
Well, that’s not all I want to do. But it’s a start.
Skylar raised her eyebrows. “If you say so. But I saw the look on his face when he was talking about you today.”
“What look? What did he say about me?” For someone who just denied any kind of thing with Miles, I knew I sounded way too eager, but I couldn’t help it.
“He was going on about how awesome the shop is, how proud you should be, how good you are at everything you do, from baking to managing to taking pictures.” Looking at herself in the mirror, she played with her hair and fussed with an earring. “And he said you two met up last night and had a really nice time.”
“We did.” I took my lip gloss from my purse and applied it with shaky fingers, staring at my mouth in the mirror instead of my pink cheeks and guilty eyes. A very nice time. Too nice. I wish I was hanging out with him again tonight, and I feel horrible about it. “But we’re just old friends who don’t get to see each other often enough. That’s all.”
“So what’s with Dan, then? I know there’s something.”
I put the lip gloss back in my purse and faced her. “Honestly, something is wrong there, but I can’t figure out what it is. And I’m scared.” My eyes filled unexpectedly, and I fanned at them.
She pulled me over to a small chaise in the powder room adjacent to the bathroom. “Come here. Sit. Talk.”
“We have to go back to the table,” I said, fighting off the tears. “And it’s probably nothing. I’m just so tired.”
“Talk. We’re not going back until you do.” She folded her arms. “I’m the big sister, and I say so.”
Sniffing, I laughed a little. “It’s dumb, really. After hanging out with Miles yesterday—you know how he is—I started to feel like Dan and I needed a little boost in the sex department.”
“The sex department?” She wrinkled her nose. “What’s that about?”
I played with the hem on my dress. “It’s been a couple months, that’s all.”
“A couple months?” Skylar was dumbfounded. “Why?”
“We’ve just been busy and tired a lot, I guess. I don’t know. And we’ve been together so long, we don’t feel the urge as much as you guys do.”
“No one does,” she said seriously. “We are animals.”
I sighed again, louder. Why couldn’t I be animals with someone? “So I went over there with the idea of surprising him.” I told her what happened and watched her expression change. “What’s that face you’re making?” I asked, scared to hear the answer.
“Why would he need to shower again? Did he have to wash someone’s sex stink off?” Skylar still hadn’t forgiven Dan for last summer’s transgressions.
I winced. “I don’t know. I’ve been trying not to think about that.”
She harrumphed. “And what about after he came to bed? Did you do it?”
“No. He said he was too tired.”
“You tried? And he turned you down?”
I nodded, feeling pathetic and helpless. “I didn’t try very hard. But yeah. He went right to sleep. And you know what, I wasn’t even that disappointed—I was more confused than anything else.”
Skylar’s eyes narrowed. “Something is off.”
“I thought the exact same thing.”
“It could be nothing, Nat. Maybe it was just late and he was tired. But something is up. With you, too, and you guys need to talk about it.”
“Me?” I put a hand on my chest. “Why do you say that?”
“Because I know you, and you are not acting like yourself. Maybe it’s this thing with Dan, maybe it’s Miles Haas, mayb—“
“It’s not Miles Haas.” Irritated, I stood up. “It’s just a little rocky patch, nothing Dan and I can’t work through. We’ve done it before. I’m not giving up.”
Skylar stood up too, her expression dubious. “If you say so. But Nat, I hope you’re not sticking with him or with a dead relationship just because you’ve put so much time in. It’s not giving up if you’re unhappy.”
“I know that. I’ll figure it out.” We went back to the table, and Dan held out my chair. When he took his seat again, he smiled at me, and I reached for his hand, making a promise to myself. I’ll make a bigger effort to rekindle things with us. I will put Miles Haas out of my head and focus on the solid commitment Dan and I have and the plans we’ve made.
If only I felt more excited about it.