Chapter Thirteen

The eerie sound of the door whispering shut woke Levi with a start. Some shuffling occurred in the distance along with other indeterminable sounds. Rushing water. Cups clinking. Whispering. There was somebody in here moving around. But Levi's head refused to leave the floor. He could hardly peel his eyelids open.

As expected, nothing could pull him from this hole.

He wanted to scream or shout. Perhaps this would chase off the intruder. They could take whatever they wanted as long as it wasn't the beer. He needed that to keep going, to keep wasting away. Though he tried to move his arm to point—for perhaps he could just indicate with a gesture his intent—it refused to budge.

He was glued. This was it.

“Levi...”

His eyelids fluttered at the sound of his name. It was hard to distinguish the sounds from the thoughts rumbling in his head. Maybe he was reaching that point of madness where he thinks he's perfectly sane. For who else in their right mind would assume alcohol would solve his problem? He felt like a mess. Maybe this person was here to clean him up.

“Take a sip.”

Those words sounded so far away. Because of the way his muscles had given out, he found it too difficult to sip whatever was sitting on his lips. The cup had left an imprint on his bottom lip that felt cool. His tongue mindlessly dipped from his mouth to lap at the liquid. More liquid met his lips, but not from a cup. The texture material felt wet and spongy, leaving behind enough traces of water for him to lick.

Madness, he reflected. This is where I spiral into absolute madness.

A shivering fit set in. Levi felt his head spinning once again, the dizzying sensation instantly prompting nausea to rise. It was awful and he couldn't stop it no matter how hard he tried to get it to stop. Liquid met his lips again. He felt something soft and cool shift beneath his skull. No more was the harsh wooden floor propping up his head. Now it felt like a pillow.

A dim light entered his vision. After a few deep breaths, he realized his eyes had actually been open this entire time. Above sat Travis with a sponge in his hand and a cup of water sitting nearby. His hand was fixed beneath Levi's head, manipulating it so he could turn it at will.

“Trav,” Levi gasped.

“Hey, it's okay. I'm here.”

“W-w-what?”

“I'm here. Just relax for a second.”

Levi struggled to form coherent words. He could feel them on his lips just as prominent and present as the cool sponge, but he couldn't get them to leave his mouth. “Time?”

“It's eight in the morning.”

Eyes bulging, Levi decisively fixated on the ceiling. “God.”

“You could say that. Luckily, you never locked your front door. I found you passed out on the floor.”

“When?”

“An hour ago. You never answered your phone last night. No one could find you. We were so fucking worried, Levi.”

Tears welled in his eyes. He knew what was coming. This was the part where Travis berates him for being weak in the face of alcohol. Three years down the drain, all that work, all those steps, and on and on until he was utterly wracked with the guilt of what he had done.

“God.”

Travis leaned in close. “It's His will that you're still here.”

“I'm sorry...” Levi choked down a sob. He rolled over on his side and curled into a ball, hugging his sponsor close to him. And instead of saying all those wretched and warranted things, Travis held him. The soothing embrace almost instantly broke him out of that insane trip and he rose out of it with sanity renewed. “I'm so sorry.”

Travis shushed Levi and pulled Levi into his lap. “Just worry about getting sober first.”

“I feel awful.”

“I'm sure you do. That was a hefty binge you went on.”

“I know what you're going to say.”

“What's that?”

Levi frowned while burying himself deep into Travis. It didn't matter how silly it felt to hide in his sponsor's shirt. He just wanted to be as far away from his pain as possible. “You're going to say I was wrong and I should beg for forgiveness.”

“Why would I tell you to beg?”

“I don't know.”

Travis took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. In the process, he tightened his hug. “I would never tell you to do such a thing. You matter to me and you matter to your friends. We love you.”

This simple phrase made Levi break again. The floodgates opened and his tears flowed freely, staining the fabric beneath his cheek. His eyes burned from crying and his throat hurt from sobbing, but he didn't care. This was exactly where he needed to be.

“Let's get you comfortable,” Travis offered.

He helped Levi from the ground and guided him to the couch. Once Levi was lying down, he retreated to the kitchen and bustled about. After some indiscernible sounds, Travis returned with a plate of toast and some juice. He offered it to Levi who took it gratefully.

A veil of silence fell between them as Levi ate slowly, being careful to take small bites that he chewed slowly. He made it halfway through the second piece of toast before feeling like he might be himself again. As he set the plate down, he sighed and focused on Travis.

“Thank you.”

“It's what I'm here for. I'll always be here for it.”

Levi frowned. “I just can't believe I did that.”

“The sooner you come to terms with it, the easier it'll be to get through it. God got you this far.”

“I just hate to think that I've failed.”

Travis looked sympathetic. He sat on the edge of the couch and rested his hand over Levi's chest. “You didn't fail. You just stumbled a bit. Consider it a hiccup, if that makes you feel better.”

“This is a pretty rough hiccup.”

“Do you remember when I relapsed?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you remember how many people turned me away from the group? Or yelled at me? Or scrutinized my actions?”

Levi thought for a moment, biting his lower lip. “No, I don't think anyone ever did that.”

“Exactly. We would never do that to you. You're worth far more than that. Not a moment will be wasted on judging your situation. We'll put all our effort in welcoming you back and making sure you recover.”

“I'm just so ashamed, Travis. I shouldn't have fallen. I knew better than that. I knew God better than that. And Josiah, he...”

Travis offered a small smile. “If he likes you, he'll understand.”

“How do you know that?”

“I don't know that for sure. It's a gamble. But I do know that you care a great deal for him and you would do anything to make it right.”

“Ugh, amends.”

Travis laughed. “It's part of the process.”

“Shit, the process.” Levi looked grim. “I'll have to do all those steps again.”

“All the more reason to get back into the rooms and back into being my sponsee.”

“It's going to be so much work.”

“It won't work if you don't.”

Levi huffed. “I just don't look forward to it.”

“No one ever does, but they do it anyway.”

Levi squeezed the bridge of his nose while taking a few deep breaths. “Why now? Why me? Three years—gone.”

“It's not always clear at first, but I'm sure you'll figure something as you go along.”

“I'm not sure I can handle it. I might end up back out again.”

“If you do, we'll be right here when you return.”

“I don't deserve this kind of help. I don't. I fucked up and I deserve to rot for it.”

Travis frowned and rubbed Levi's chest. “You do deserve help. Everybody does. Even if you didn't want help, you would still deserve it. You've helped so many people over the past three years. Just think of how much this experience can help even more.”

“All I can think about is this headache.”

“Well, there's medicine for that. And the more you eat, the more you'll feel better.”

Levi stared at the half-eaten piece of toast sitting on the plate. Part of him wanted to regurgitate what he had already eaten as an act of penance. But that wouldn't help. It would only increase his uselessness. He wanted to be rid of this feeling as soon as possible. He had to before it destroyed him.

“Okay,” he whispered. “I'll come back and I'll do it.”

“I'm not going to bend your arm. You can come back whenever you're ready.”

“The funny part is I don't really feel ready.”

“Well, pray on it.”

Levi rolled his eyes. “Yes, dad.”

“Listen, child. You're not just my sponsee. You're my best friend. That means I'm going to care about you no matter what.”

“Until I drive you crazy?”

“Especially when you drive me crazy.”

Levi smirked. “Well, that's a comfort.”

“So, what's your first step?”

“I'm powerless over my addiction.”

“And who's going to help you with that?”

Levi sighed. “God.”

“What's the next step?”

“Hydration and food.”

Travis patted Levi's arm and smiled. “There you go.”

“Can I just lie here for a bit? I'm still spinning.”

“Of course. Take as much time as you need. I'll be right here with you whenever you're ready to have a full meal.”

“We can order food. I'll pay for it.”

“Nah, you paid for ice cream. I'll get this one.”

Levi smiled. “All right, Travis. Thank you.”

Wordlessly, Travis rose from the couch and went into the kitchen. Glasses clinked and paper towels tore. The trash can shifted. The sound of the bag being pulled from the can filled the air and Levi watched as he removed every single beer bottle from the living room. Tears returned as Levi witnessed this act of kindness. When Travis was done, he tied off the bag and took it outside.

Levi turned his attention to the ceiling. He studied the way the white bits of popcorn huddled together to create lush landscapes and strangely shaped words. Faces appeared next to dragons and castles and fiery skies. The color he added in his own mind, picturing it as easily as though it were a movie.

Shit, the movie!

He shot up from the couch, worsening the spins. Carefully, he eased himself back down and thought about what he was going to do for the movie. A distant thought arose that he had quit his position. Somewhere on the ground was his cell phone. Once he felt better, he would piece it back together and message Josiah. He had to make that amends before it was too late.

It wasn't about being the special effects guy again. It was about making things right with Josiah. Reacting in such a harsh way was wrong and Levi knew that now. He knew his actions had caused a great rift between Josiah and him. And he wanted desperately to mend it. He had to or else he might create such a rift that it could never be brought back together again.

As he fixated again on the ceiling, he folded his hands together and closed his eyes. And for the first time in weeks, he began to pray.