Chapter Nine

A pulsating headache greeted Levi's temples as he roused from his sheets. He raised his hand to his head, feeling the pressure grow as he climbed through the stages of consciousness. The further he came to the surface, the greater the pressure.

“Fuck,” he grunted. “What did I do?”

Light filtered through the window, an unwelcome sight after such an unholy night. He rolled over in his small bed and stared across the room, attempting to gain some semblance of control over his vision. He was still shaking. His throat was dry and his eyes felt like they were about to bleed. They were dry and achy, filling quickly with tears as he realized what had happened.

“I failed.”

His hands met his forehead, eliciting a sharp pain to rip through his temples. It was an awful wave of tension tearing between his eyeballs and his skull, making him cry as he crumpled up in the sheets. He curled his weak fists around the blankets and muffled his sobs into his pillow.

“Fuck!”

He tensed as he curled into a ball and continued to sob, letting the tears flow freely. Memories came in slow rolls, images rising rapidly to the surface and disappearing just as quickly. He pressed his hands into his eyes harder until the tension reached a crescendo.

Now it was splitting. He could practically see white. Just as he thought his eyeballs might burst from his head, a figure walked into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. The mattress shifted with the new weight. Embarrassed, Levi buried himself deeper into the sheets.

“Don't,” he begged.

“It's okay. It's just me.”

A comforting hand met the back of his neck followed by a cool cloth. It almost instantly put him at ease. But as soon as the memory of Josiah returned, he shot up from the bed. The motion nearly cracked his skull and he teetered over, his vision spinning as he landed against Josiah's arm.

“You did a number last night,” Josiah whispered.

“Ugh, I really did.”

“I made you my specialty. It'll help soothe the ache.”

Levi grumbled while his vision focused on a cup. “What is it?”

“Well...just hold your nose and drink it.”

Though it didn't smell particularly appealing, Levi felt like he had no other choice. Help was being offered. He might as well take it. Besides, he had already made a fool of himself the previous night. There was no telling what he did, but he was sure it was ridiculous.

Three years. Just like that, he reflected sullenly as he began to swallow the thick liquid. And now I have to start all over again.

He choked and pushed the cup away, grimacing as he attempted to swallow the remaining bits in his mouth. When he opened his eyes, he found Josiah gently cradling him. He blinked a few times while readjusting to the light. It was still too bright in the room and he squinted against the invading rays. He raised a hand to shield himself from it.

Without any prompting, Josiah rose from the bed and drew the curtains. The room felt cooler all of a sudden, causing Levi to sigh with relief. He felt the lukewarm sheets beside him.

Panic rose in his chest. “Where did you go?”

“I'm right here.” The mattress shifted again. “It's a smoothie, by the way. Made from some fresh stuff that should really help your head.”

“I'm so sorry. I must have made an ass out of myself.”

“Don't worry about that.”

“No, I should know better.”

“Know better than what?”

Levi paused. This was his shining moment where he could finally admit his faults. It would only take a few minutes to explain his strange and uncontrollable affliction. There wasn't anything wrong with admittance. After all, he had done so by working his steps and talking with his sponsor regularly. Many of his fellows were aware of his defects and they understood completely. This instance would be no different.

But he couldn't. It was far too embarrassing. He didn't like admitting powerlessness, especially not over alcohol. It was even greater now that he had relapsed. Admitting his lack of control over the drink would do nothing more than affirm he was a monster with a penchant for being reckless. It was too great a task to bear and he crumbled under it. Here came his ego talking nonsense. And he was listening to it.

“Nothing,” he croaked. He cleared his throat and licked his lips. “Really, it's nothing.”

He felt Josiah nod. It rocked them slightly on the bed, inspiring the mattress beneath them to squeak rhythmically. For some reason, this brought the image to mind of Josiah in the throes of passion. It became an immediate regret that caused him to sink down further only to find that the jeans Josiah had been wearing were not there. It was just boxers.

He gulped. “Sorry.”

“For what?”

“I didn't realize...you're not wearing any pants right now.”

“Well, no. I tend to prefer sleeping in the nude.”

“But you're not nude.”

Josiah chuckled. “Because it's your house.”

“Oh, well...I mean...”

“Don't hurt yourself thinking right now. I'm sure you still have that headache.”

Levi groaned. “It's a monstrous one. I can't seem to shake it.”

“That pain reliever should kick in pretty soon. Just give it another ten minutes.”

“And if it doesn't work?”

“Well, I suppose then you'll just die.” Josiah paused dramatically and then snickered. “Oh, Levi, come on. Haven't you had a hangover before?”

“Ugh, I have. I just haven't...” Levi faded as he relaxed his head against Josiah's lap. He pulled the sheets up in an effort to hide his face even though it wasn't particularly bright in his room. “I just hate it. That's all.”

“Everybody hates it. But you don't have to be ashamed.”

Levi lowered the sheet. He focused on Josiah's face, the faded outline of him pressed against the dim backdrop of light trickling in around the curtains.

“That's very sweet of you to say,” Levi whispered.

“It's just the truth. You don't have to be ashamed of your actions. Just own them. So, you got a little outlandish. Who doesn't?”

“I usually don't.”

“Are you going to sulk about it all day or are you going to get up and greet the day instead?”

Levi huffed with amusement. “What?”

“You heard me.”

After a pause, Levi hummed. A smirk slowly crept over his lips as he raised a hand to cup Josiah's face. His head was no longer pounding. The smoothie sat comfortably in his stomach without any indication of resurfacing. Even though his throat was tight and his mouth felt dry, he felt just a little bit better about everything. He smiled wider.

“Well, I guess I'll greet the day,” he resolved.

“That's good. You should do that.”

“I suppose you're going to help me with that?”

Josiah chuckled. “I can certainly try. What would help?”

Levi felt his stomach flip. As he stroked Josiah's cheek, he felt his smile grow and waver intermittently. Could Josiah see it? Could Josiah feel that he was prickling with desire? “Maybe a kiss...”

“I think I can manage that.”

Josiah crashed into Levi. The motion made Levi swell with excitement, rising partially from the sheets to wrap his arms around Josiah. He grunted as Josiah nipped his lip and gently traveled from his lips to his ear. Josiah nibbled on the soft flesh of his ear, prompting a series of soft moans to erupt. He crashed back against his pillow and took Josiah with him. This was all he had wanted last night, even in his ridiculously drunk stupor. Every touch and every sound amplified his desire to uncontrollable levels. He needed this now more than ever.

While Josiah crawled over Levi, he struggled with the sheets. Levi chuckled as he helped to untangle them from between their bodies. Once the barrier was removed, he could see Josiah's cock peeking out from beneath the waistband of Josiah's boxers. There was that delightful cock. He licked his lips as his eyes wandered over the head, desiring another taste. When he reached for it, Josiah stopped him.

“Not yet,” Josiah whispered with a grin. “I want to please you first.”

Levi smirked and closed his eyes, feeling the warm embrace of Josiah's lips greet him again. He felt compelled to act and react but fought against it. Josiah was in charge now, and he very much wanted it to be this way. He loved how Josiah directed his hands above his head and let them rest upon his pillow, pinning them for a second as Josiah stole kiss after kiss. The pressure of Josiah's cock pressing against his made his chest swell with every breath and his arms flutter. He wiggled his fingers.

“I just want to touch you,” he groaned.

“Not yet...”

Josiah slid his hands down Levi's arms, tracing little circles on the skin near his armpits. It made his eyes roll back, losing sight of his target. Josiah's hands continued to travel, curving over his band shirt and down to his briefs where they sat for a moment in an effort to tease him, it seemed. He bucked. All he wanted was for Josiah to rip off his boxers and ravage him, but he tried hard to be patient. His head still spun a bit. If he rushed, it would only make matters worse.

When he peeled open his eyes, he watched Josiah's hand curl around the formation of his cock. It wasn't even out yet and he could already feel his climax. It would be predictably loud both because it had been a while and it was about to be Josiah. This was his dream. And he didn't want anything to ruin it, especially not a pesky hangover.

Hungrily, he edged Josiah to continue, keeping his hands limp above his head. It seemed to take forever for his briefs to be removed, sliding them ever so slowly down his thighs and over his legs. The longer it took, the more it became unbearable to keep his hands still. But he wanted to please Josiah as much as possible. He watched achingly as the briefs were discarded and Josiah's hands came sliding up his thighs.

Josiah stroked Levi's cock as he stroked his own, grinning as he revealed it from his boxers. He scooted close to Levi's thighs and positioned himself carefully, letting his erect cock rest against Levi's balls.

“Do you have lube?” he asked.

Levi nodded and fumbled for the bedside drawer. He procured a small bottle and handed it over, nearly losing grip on it due to his shivering. He watched eagerly as Josiah applied a liberal amount of lube to his cock and pressed it to Levi's entrance.

A pang rippled through Levi's stomach. This was the moment he had been waiting for, the dream that was no longer a dream. As Josiah's shoulders came into view, he gripped them to make sure they were real. His hands danced over Josiah's shirt and down his curves, squeezing every inch that he could possibly feel.

“Is this real?” he gasped.

Josiah grinned. “Does it feel real?”

He penetrated Levi. Though the movement was slow, Levi instinctively scooted back. His head hit the wall and he groaned as Josiah cradled his head.
“Easy,” Josiah whispered. “Does it hurt?”

“No, it's amazing.”

Smiling, Josiah continued, sliding deeper and deeper as he cradled Levi's head. He rested his lips on Levi's chin and exhaled while his grip intensified. When he was fully submerged, Levi gasped and dug his nails into Josiah's shoulders. But it wasn't just the feeling. It was the sense of connection. It was how much he felt whole with Josiah inside of him.

Eyelids fluttering, he encouraged Josiah to slide faster. His cock throbbed at the familiar sensation and he gripped himself hard, stroking immediately to ride this incredible wave of pleasure. As his gaze met Josiah's, he smirked and arched his back, giving Josiah a better position.

Josiah's hand replaced Levi's almost instantly. While stroking Levi, he rolled his hips and held their gaze. He gripped Levi's hip with his free hand to steady his rhythm, continuously plunging while his eyes danced over Levi's features.

There was something about that look and Levi couldn't place it. The way Josiah studied him was almost like he had been discovered for the first time. After all these years of tense encounters, he felt their bond grow instantly, binding them together. He swelled again, this time with an intense knot filling his solar plexus. His hands sought Josiah's shoulders once more. He needed to hold on to something before he hit the wall again.

Josiah buried his face into Levi's neck and nodded. He groaned as he thrust and stroked Levi's cock fervently. As he tensed, Levi did the same. He could feel them both approaching the same rocket that would take them up and away from the earth. He dug his nails deeper into Josiah's shirt and began to rattle uncontrollably. He was already there.

“Jo...”

Josiah nodded again. “Yeah...”

Levi exploded. His sperm coated his stomach immediately as his bays filled the air, mixing with Josiah's growls that didn't stop until his hips were done bucking.

“Fuck,” Levi panted. “Oh, God...”

His chest heaved and his thighs felt weak as if they had just sprinted unexpectedly. As his shivers settled down, his body collapsed into the sheets and Josiah immediately followed. He grinned wide.

“Amazing,” he whispered. “Simply amazing.”

“You are surprisingly easy to please.”

“Well, I haven't had sex in a while.”

“How long?”

Levi grimaced. “Eh, I'd rather not think about the time.”

“All right. That's fair.”

“But believe me when I say that was beyond amazing.”

Josiah chuckled. “Well, good. I'm very glad.”

Levi bustled with energy. He felt like he could do anything now, maybe even actually sprint. But he knew better than to expend any more energy after such a burst. He would need to hydrate and eat soon. That medicine would only keep his headache at bay for so long.

While lost in his thoughts, Josiah had slipped away to the bathroom. He frowned with the silence that was left. As he glanced at his watch, he realized it was rather early in the afternoon.

“Shit,” he whispered.

Josiah returned with a towel and tossed it to Levi. Smiling, Levi wiped away his mess and tossed it to the ground where his clothes were scattered about. He rolled on his side and studied Josiah, waiting.

“Do you have work today?” Josiah asked.

“Probably. I'm not sure.”

“Well, it would be good to figure that out.”

Levi sighed. “Yeah, that would probably be a good idea.”

“I'm afraid I have to leave now,” Josiah announced as he pulled on his clothes. “Although I'd like to state for the record that I don't want to.”

“I don't want you to either.”

Josiah grinned. “I'm glad you're feeling better.”

“I'm getting there. I think I'm ready for a proper meal now.”

“It would be wise to put something in your stomach. That smoothie can only do so much.”

Levi smiled. “Tell me something: how the hell did you manage to use the blender without waking me?”

Still grinning, Josiah raised his hands and wiggled his fingers mysteriously. His eyes widened in the same motion and his eyebrows went high into the air. “It's magic!”

“Oh, you are so full of it.”

“Everybody likes a little bit of a magic. Don't you?”

“I don't like what everyone likes.”

Josiah rolled his eyes playfully. “Rebel.”

“I know you like that part of me.”

“I like just about every part of you.”

Levi raised a curious brow. “And what parts do you not like?”

Tentatively, Josiah stepped toward the bed. He placed a hand on the mattress and leaned against it, shifting Levi toward him without much effort. Levi felt goosebumps ripple over every inch of his bare shoulders as Josiah dove in close.

“That's for another day,” Josiah whispered. “Get some rest.”

After a quick kiss on the cheek, he retreated to the door and offered a smile. He closed it and quickly disappeared into the afternoon light, blending in with the rest of the dull noise around Levi. Now it was just uncomfortably quiet. Though he wanted to rise from his bed and put on a record, he couldn't get his limbs to move. It was as if the weight of the entire night and morning were binding him to the bed.

The front door shut and caused the bedroom door to wave slightly. Levi regarded it with little interest, noting that he would eventually have to rise and lock the front door. His stomach felt as if it were knotted. His limbs were weak, his eyelids were sore, and his neck felt as though it were being pinched.

Grumbling, he rubbed his temples. It didn't help with the guilt and the shame. Nothing would help those things. He had done something so egregiously wrong that he wouldn't be able to recover from. He wasn't like the others in the program. There was no way he could go back and admit to them that he had tripped and fallen.

“I can't get up.”

The weight dragged him further into oblivion. He felt it wrap like a ring of iron around his ankle and tug relentlessly. There was no use resisting the depression that begged him to sink further. No use at all. It would persist until his will was so raw and weak that he would have no choice. It was better to give in now while he still could, while there was still a little bit of his own will left.

His phone buzzed from the bedside table. Mindlessly, he snatched it up. Travis was calling. Travis had been calling. A few others were listed under recent calls as well likely all concerned about his whereabouts. Another realization hit him suddenly and he fell back on his bed.

“Fuck—the meeting!”

No wonder his phone was blowing up with call and text alike, buzzing continuously in his hand as he continued to refuse to answer. He didn't want to hear it. He knew the exact speech that would come from Travis or from any one of them. There would be no doubt in that, and he would much rather avoid it than face it.

Avoidance meant no shame. No shame meant no way he would ever have to face this night again. As he rose from the bed, he resolved himself to forget about the dreadful night that had caused him to hit the ground—literally.

“I'll just pretend it never happened,” he told his reflection from across the room. “We'll keep going like nothing had ever been wrong. Right? Can we do that?”

Almost immediately, he shook his head and bit his lower lip. He was fighting back another round of sobs.

“I know better.” He shook his head rhythmically to an undetectable tune. “I know way better.”