Chapter Three

“I know all this. I've been living this lifestyle for three years.”

Levi held a blue-covered book in his hand, letting it dangle in between his fingers as he stared at the sidewalk. Beside him sat Travis with a weary look on his face.

“I'm just reminding you of what you need to do. I know you know.”

“Then, why remind me?”

Travis chuckled. “We have to humble ourselves to the idea that we don't always know everything or that we might have forgotten.”

“That just feels like newbie stuff. I'm older than that.”

“Yeah, you've got three years of sobriety under your belt. That's something to be proud of, but you can still learn from someone who only has three months. Don't let it all get to your head.”

Maybe there was some truth to that, but Levi didn't want to admit it. The book slipped from his fingers and landed on the pavement with a hard thump. He released an exasperated sigh. Why was he so frustrated? He had just left a meeting and he was sitting with his sponsor. He had shared experience and wisdom. He had picked up a few things from others that he admired. Nothing should be wrong right now.

But something was amiss.

“Don't let your ego take hold. Remember what you learned about your ego? How it'll talk you into anything?” Travis posed.

“The ego is the driving force because alcohol isn't the only cause.”

“Exactly. Your ego is what will ultimately make you drink again. It's the one that says a sip is fine or a beer with dinner is totally acceptable. We can't do that.”

Levi sighed louder. “No, we can't.”

“As long as you remember that and keep up with your daily tasks, you should be totally fine.”

“I don't feel fine.”

“Well, how are your daily logs and readings coming along?”

“I don't know.”

“Well, are you doing them?”

Levi frowned. “I may have been slacking this week.”

“That's okay. We all slip up. Why don't you go home tonight and make one log—just one log—and read from the book? Any paragraph or chapter will do as long as you go ahead and read it. Highlight something different and tell me about it later.”

“I can do that.”

“And pray.”

Levi grimaced as he glanced over at Travis. “I hate doing that. It feels nuts to me to prostrate myself on the ground.”

“Yeah, but that's going to help clear your head.”

“You know I never liked that whole praying and meditation thing. It's too new age for me.”

Travis broke into laughter. “You're such an old man at heart. It's going to be fine. Do a ten-minute guided meditation. Even a little one can help you out a lot.”

“Yeah, a little goes a long way.”

“That's what we say.”

Levi nodded. “So, how are your other sponsees doing?”

“They're good. One of them keeps forgetting to do their step work.”

“What step are they on?”

“Four.”

Levi huffed with amusement. “The worst one.”

“Feels like he's about to step on off to a new sponsor.”

Levi broke into laughter. It seemed to soften his mood. He scooped up his book and held it between his hands, checking the binding. It was worn from him sifting through the pages for specific passages and phrases. As he fingered the binding, Travis sighed.

“But what can I really do? I can't force him to do the work,” he added.

“Sounds like me.”

Travis chuckled. “You were a tough one. You never wanted to do anything except attend meetings.”

“I still feel that way sometimes.”

“We know that's not how it works. Meetings are great, but going through the steps and getting the work done is the only way to stay completely sober for any length of time.”

“You've probably beaten that into my head about a million times.”

Travis nodded. “It's the truth. That's just how it is.”

“I wish it was easier.”

“Now that's something I know you know would never be true.”

Levi shrugged, turning his book over in his hands. “Just feels like a dead end at this point. I've done the steps twice, I've taken on sponsees, and now I'm just sitting in this weird void.”

Three people idly walked by while chatting excitedly. They waved to Levi who waved back with a fake smile. He waited until they disappeared into the parking lot to continue.

“I feel like I have to keep up this face--” He gestured to himself. “--like it's one that has to look completely free of resentment and worry for everyone else.”

“Is anyone else going to keep you sober?”

Levi frowned and set his book on the sidewalk next to him. He kept his hand attached to the tattered cover while his fingers dangled over the edge. Beneath his fingertips, he felt the concrete. The texture felt odd against his skin.

“No, they're not.”

“Who keeps you sober?”

“Me.”

“And God.”

Levi nodded. “You're right. I'm letting my ego get the best of me.”

“Exactly. How is your sponsee doing? Was his name Dalton? I haven't seen him around lately.”

Levi shrugged. “I can hardly ever get a hold of him. I don't think he's doing any of the work.”

“All you can do is try and check in.”

“I mean, yeah. It's what I've been doing from the start.”

Travis tapped his chin. “When was the last time he was in a meeting?”

“I think a few weeks ago. We've met since, but it's like pulling teeth with him. He's dragging with his first step.”

“The first step is always the hardest.”

Levi chuckled. “For me, it was the easiest. I remember how eager I was to get it all down on paper and keep moving.”

“You kind of zipped through the steps the first time around.”

“I think honestly I just wanted to get them done so I could be a helper for others.”

Travis smiled knowingly. “I think you just wanted to get it over with.”

“Oh, come on! You know me better than that.”

“Who else in this world knows you better than me? You confessed all of your resentments and sins to me in just a month. I knew you were holding out a little bit.”

“I mean, who doesn't hold out a little bit?”

“Exactly. The first time around is difficult because it's hard to face the things we've done as a result of our addictions. There's no shame in admitting it now, Levi.”

“I just hate facing it.”

“You never did like the resentments portion.”

“Because it was too hard. I'd rather forget all of those things.”

Travis sighed. He seemed to collapse with it, almost like he was tired of the conversation, but he pressed on regardless. “Remember what I said to you at the time?”

“Um...Get it done?”

Travis rolled his eyes. “No. I told you to forgive yourself and retain the lesson. You don't remember that?”

“I kind of remember that.”

“The way to combat our ruminations and resentments is to write them, admit them, and make amends. Then, we…?”

Levi stared long and hard at Travis. His face was completely blank with little indication that he was even thinking. As he nervously licked his lips, he shrugged. “I don't understand why I'm blanking on this one.”

“It's okay. Next, we keep our houses clean and dive into service work. That's how we stay sober because we're doing what we're supposed to be doing. We align our will with God. And only you can say what your conception of God wants for you.”

“Again, newbie stuff.”

Travis threw his head back and guffawed. His entire being seemed to shake with it, causing him to tilt back so far that he nearly fell on the sidewalk. “Levi, goodness. It's like I'm talking to the old you.”

“I know. I'm stubborn.”

“Yeah, you're practically a mule. And in that case, I'll tell you what my sponsor told me during my first year sober.”

“What's that?”

Travis grinned as he reoriented himself on the concrete. “You're as stubborn as a mule. And if you stay as stubborn as a mule for long enough, you'll become an ass.”

Though it felt like a sting, it also caused Levi to snicker uncontrollably. He shook his head while wiping the corner of his right eye. “God, that's ridiculous.”

“But it's true. You can't be stubborn forever, Levi. You have to surrender your power and your will over to the God of your conception. There's no other way.” Travis paused for a moment as he rested a hand on Levi's shoulder. “And remember to laugh. It's the best medicine in the world.”

Levi smiled warmly. “Thank you.”

“It's what I'm here for. Always.”

Another sigh came over Levi and he sunk forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He still felt heavy. Travis left his hand on Levi's shoulder, a sure sign that there was no way Travis was going to leave Levi behind.

“I think I need to be alone for a little bit,” Levi vocalized. “You know, to clear my head or something.”

“Well, make sure the 'something' part doesn't involve any mind-altering alternatives, eh?” Travis offered a friendly grin. “I trust you. Call me if you need anything.”

“Of course.” But Levi felt the lie in that phrase long before it had left his lips. He didn't really mean it. As he stood from the sidewalk to embrace his sponsor, the guilt settled in. He had no intention of calling Travis or anyone else. He really just wanted to be alone with his thoughts. He felt like it was the only way to get rid of the horrible feeling that was overwhelming him. “And I'll check in tomorrow.”

“I'd prefer that you check in tonight.”

Levi groaned. “All right, dad.”

Travis chuckled and patted Levi's shoulder. “You'll be okay.”

“I sure hope so.”

That said, Levi headed for his car. He didn't turn to look at Travis. He didn't want to see the face of his sponsor staring him down, perhaps trying to figure out if Levi was about to relapse. But even he wasn't sure of that. He felt like a tidal wave was approaching and the only thing he had available to keep himself safe were two miniature floating pads. It would hardly be any help in the coming wave.

And when he started to drown as a result, who the hell was going to save him?