Chapter Nineteen
RUTH
Hi, my name is Ruth Thomas. I’m an American rapper with millions of fans all over the world, and I’m currently falling apart. I have a little more than a month left before a demon comes and takes my soul. How is this happening, you ask? Well, ten years ago, a demon came to eat my soul, and then I sang seconds before he did. For some unknown reason, he said he’d give me what I wanted, but he’d come back.
A life full of song and lyrics. My words were heard thanks to the demon’s decision to let me keep my soul a little longer, only my time is almost up, and there’s nothing fun about knowing you’re about to lose your soul to a demon.
I’m going to die.
And what’s worse, I finally found something else I want that’s not music. This feeling makes me want to live. People write songs about it. It should have been lust, but I’m starting to realize it never really was. It was far deeper than anything I could dream.
I lit the words I had just written on fire and let go seconds before the flames reached my fingers, allowing the last bit of paper to fall into the toilet. Some things needed to be said, some heard, or seen and written. I needed some kind of outlet. My mind and heart were all over the place, and there was no comfort from here on out. I couldn’t convince my mind to be happy.
Happy hurt. Being around Ma, Jayne, and Moose hurt. Being around Amit did too. How were all my people going to feel when I was gone? I didn’t ask for this, but I accepted it at the time because nothing else mattered but getting what I wanted. There was no regret on that part. If I’d refused the demon, I would have died long ago. But thinking of Ma and what this would do to her suddenly frightened me. How could I overlook such a huge thing? Would she keep being happy for me? Or would she be sad that I was gone? Surely, she’d know I’d want her to be happy. I should approach the subject with her soon but I wasn’t not sure how to.
I flushed the toilet; the ashes disappeared with the water and wondered if there was something that could be done. There wasn’t. Who would believe me? I didn’t want to die and leave the world wondering if I was crazy or summoning the Devil.
How did this happen to me? I didn’t think I’d ever get the chance to know.
As I walked out of the bathroom, I heard the front door open, and Jayne walked through my house seconds later carrying food. “Why do you look like you’ve been run over?” she asked me warily.
I sighed. “I drank last night with Liam and the others.”
Her eyes widened. “No Amit?”
Just hearing his name out loud sent my heart in a panic. “I think I should stop that.” I looked at the white tiling on my hallway floor instead of her shocked expression I knew would be there greeting me.
“What? Why?”
“It was only meant to be at a distance. Now, we’re hooking up, and I don’t want that.” It was a lie. It didn’t sound or feel real when I said it, but I left it at that.
She studied me before her smile widened. “No way… So soon? You’re falling for Amit!”
“No.” My heart hammered. “Don’t be crazy.” Following her into the kitchen, I grabbed the bag she placed on the island and plopped down on a stool. My heart ached some more when I thought of what Amit and I had done right here. The way some of his control had shattered. For me. “What did you bring?”
“Me.” Ma’s voice caused me to jump. She was carrying a shit ton of grocery bags.
“She wouldn’t let me help her,” Jayne shot her a disapproving frown. “Your mom is a badass.”
Ma saw me and stopped. “Why do you look like you’re about to cry?” she asked, and I got up and pulled her into a giant hug. She dropped the bags with a grunt. “What’s with you?”
“I love you, and I’m so happy you’re out and here with me. Know that if something ever happens to me, knowing you’re alive and well is enough.”
“Don’t go talking like that.” She shoved me away, and I grinned up at her.
I found a way to say a little of what needed to be said.
________
“You sure you’re okay?” Jayne asked after putting on her shoes. “You didn’t even go to the studio today.”
“You’re always asking that lately. I’m fine.” I shoved her out the door with a smile. “You sure you don’t want to stay, Ma?”
“Hell no. I like my privacy. We’d only get on each other’s nerves.” I sighed as she got into Jayne’s car.
“Thanks for bringing her to see me,” I told Jayne. “Sometimes, we need that push.”
“I got you.” She bumped her fist to her chest, and I cringed on the inside. She was so cute and dorky. I’d never tell her that, not when she always hated people calling her cute.
“Go before I smack you,” I said instead.
“Call me if you need me.”
It felt like I hadn’t had two minutes to walk back into the living room and sit down when the doorbell rang. I wondered if it was Jayne, but she would have come on in like she always did. She knew the code and had the key. I wasn’t surprised to find Amit on the other side either. I knew the no space thing between us wouldn’t last. I peeked my head out. “What are you doing here?” I asked.
“What other reason than to see you?” Why was he so devastating to the heart and easy on the eyes? It hurt so bad.
“Don’t be like that,” I mumbled.
“Like what?”
“You know what.”
Gray eyes flickered over me and every time they did, I felt like he saw too much of me—more than anyone should.
“You want my company.”
It irked me how well he decided he knew me. I meant, I did want him around always but that didn’t mean I should give in. That was the problem. “This has been fun but… This is a very strange time in my life right now. I can’t do this—whatever this is—with you. It’s too much. We’re only going to be miserable, and you’re going to get hurt. My mind is an absolute mess right now.”
He pushed at the door, and I stumbled back as he welcomed himself into my home. “You’re going to be miserable if you keep pushing me away.”
I was going to be miserable either way.
“I like pushing,” I muttered.
“You pulled me in, Ruth, when I kept pushing you away. Now you’re pushing while I’m pulling.” He grabbed a strand of my hair and tugged at it. “Either way, before or after, then or now, you’ve always been mine. I tried to stay away. You have no idea how much.” He closed his eyes as he said it, like saying it was painful to admit. Then they opened, gleaming down at me. “You tipped me over.”
“You’re awfully cocky, Amit, and you say the strangest things. How could I have been yours when I never even knew you before I met you?”
He smirked. “That doesn’t matter. Because I knew you.”
I was shaking all over suddenly, biting my bottom lip as nervous jitters filled my stomach. I was afraid of where this would go. I couldn’t let my truth be spoken even if he already knew himself. It was mine to keep if I didn’t want to give it, and I didn’t want to give it to someone when I couldn’t stay with them.
I’m dying soon, Amit… Can you stay and be hurt, anyway?
“Will you please leave?” I whispered, unable to look up and meet his gaze. “I wish things could be different. I wish I could explain myself. And I even wish that I never approached you. I knew even then that I would become a mess.”
“Ruth…”
“Please?”
“If that’s what you want.” This time, the words were reluctant to come out of his mouth.
“It is.”
“I’m leaving.” He touched my cheek. “But just know, I’m not going anywhere.”
I didn’t look up as he left. I didn’t look up when the door clicked shut either. I didn’t move until I swayed against the wall and fell to my ass. I covered my face and a heap of tears fell on my lap as I sucked in a breath and cried aloud.
I love him. I love him. I love him. Oh God, how I loved him.
I wanted him so, so much. I wanted to keep him when he came which was why I let him go. I wanted to be held by him which was why I pushed him away. I wanted to be spoiled by him, and he tended to give me what I wanted even if he didn’t admit it. It was because of so many reasons that I had to let him go, but most of all, it was because I’d fallen for him and didn’t want him hurting if maybe he was catching the same feelings as me. Jayne and Ma were already going to hurt enough, I couldn’t add one more person to the list.
My life was over whether I wanted it to end or not.
“I guess I couldn’t be selfish after all,” I said through tears. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Even as a dying girl, my plans of being selfish weren’t enough to make me hurt another person.
______
AMIT
She was crying.
The moment I walked out of her house, I stepped back through her door in my reaping form so that I could be with her. As of late, no, as always, I found a reason to be with her.
Lars stepped out of her dog, Moose, and approached me. “It’s time to stop, Sire. Either eat her soul or leave her alone.” I ignored him. “There’s no way this will end well.”
I knew that.
“Her soul is wilting,” he whispered, and he almost seemed sad.
I continued to ignore him until he said, “Sire, so is yours.”