Chapter 1
Chris
“My name is Chris and I’m a recovering heroin addict.”
“Hi Chris.” Voices around the room murmured in response.
I usually stayed away from NA meetings. I always thought they were just a place for addicts to meet up and relapse together. Or at least that’s what I had used them for in the past. That may be an ironic and cynical thought coming from a guy that runs a rehab center but old ways of thinking were hard to change.
I would know.
But today was a special occasion so I made an exception.
“Today makes two years since the last time I shot up. So,” I shrug awkwardly. “I came to get my two year chip.”
Some may say that two years wasn’t a long enough time being clean to help other addicts. To run a rehab and manage the challenges and stress and pressure that job brought. But I knew that no one could determine my course in life but me.
Not my dad.
Not my brother Max.
Not heroin. Or Natalie. Or my grief from losing my mom at the hands of my dad right in front of me. Or the people in this room.
Just me.
And I wanted to help others get clean. If I could do it, anyone else could too. All you had to do was want it. Want it with every beat of your heart and every breath in your lungs. And I did. I really fucking did.
I keep things short and sweet and accept my chip. Taking a seat, I listen to the rest of the meeting, reflecting on my successes and failures. There had been times I was tempted to fall back into my old ways.
Any addict that said otherwise was a damn liar.
There were times I stayed up all night craving the euphoria. Craving the heat traveling up my arm and the rush it always gave me. Thinking about the numbers of dealers I had in my phone before I changed my number and deleted all but three.
Max, Lacey and Natalie were the only contacts I had left and I knew damn well none of them would be helping me spiral back out of control. That’s why I kept them.
Despite the cravings and withdraws and sleepless nights I never went back to that life. Never turned to drugs again for comfort or sleep or momentary peace. I didn’t take the easy way out for once and it was starting to pay off.
I didn’t plan on letting that streak of success change no matter how hard things got. Nothing could possibly be harder than the cold sweats and uncontrollable shakes all night those first couple weeks.
Natalie was the only person in my life that knew I was here tonight. I didn’t want to share this experience with my brother or his girlfriend Lacey, who had slowly become like a sister to me. I didn’t want them to make a big deal out of it or shower me with praise. It was a moment reserved just for myself and the pride I took in the past two years of my life.
I didn’t need a party or praise to appreciate that.
Natalie was back at the apartment cooking us dinner for when I got home. She knew I wanted something quiet and low-key. That I didn’t like over-the-top attention. I knew she wouldn’t invite anyone over or make a big production out of things.
Tomorrow at the treatment center we ran together would be business as usual.
She was amazing like that. Always reading between the lines and understanding just what I needed at any given moment. When I needed space she left me alone. When I needed to talk she listened. When I needed something to take my mind off my stress she distracted me by dragging me out of the apartment on an adventure around town.
I liked to think I was able to be that for her too. Her support. Her distraction when she needed it. Her best friend.
We always had that connection when we lived with my dad. We often snuck out to the backyard and went for quiet walks to get away from the madness. We would talk about any and everything in the dark of the night in the woods behind the house.
It was the only safe place to escape to back then. The only place to hide from my crazy ass dad without actually acknowledging that either of us was hiding. It was just a walk. Just some fresh air and quiet.
It was our secret spot.
No one ever knew about it and I liked having something between us that was a secret. An innocent secret. I didn’t have many of those.