The sun peeked through the thin gaps of the closed venetian blinds, throwing tiny slashes of light into the otherwise still dark bedroom. The arm around my waist shifted, and I glanced down. Alexis’s dark hair lay piled in a mess on top of her head, her dark lashes resting over the perfectly sculpted apples of her cheeks.
My throat tightened, and I glanced away.
This feeling of waking yet still dreaming flogged every one of my senses, making my skin burn from the inside out as my mind tangled with threads from the past.
My eyes shut, and I dragged in a slow breath, releasing it as quietly as possible. Right now, I was struggling. Unable to look at the young woman in bed beside me when my thoughts insisted on traveling someplace else. A place I thought I’d blocked out, that I had under lock and key. A place that was both old and new and now entirely forbidden.
I wouldn’t be that guy. I’d promised myself I had it under control.
Not seeing her helped that. I thought I was fine. But seeing her last night, or rather, knowing that she might now move on too, well, it rattled me. Made me realize this was no longer about my simple plan to live, love with what I have left, and survive.
This could turn into an all-out war.
“Hey, sexy.” A husky, sleep-coated voice pulled me from my head.
Shaking it, I stretched my arms above my head to grant myself a few seconds to wipe my features clean, and what I’d been thinking about from my eyes.
“Hey, sleep well?” I blinked my eyes open and looked down at her.
Alexis snuggled closer, a grin tugging at her plump lips. “You bet I did. What was that?”
My brows and arms lowered. “What was what?”
She rolled her eyes. “Last night. You fucked me like you were sure it was your last day on earth.” Biting her lip, she whispered, “I didn’t know you had it in you, my sweet man.”
Unable to avoid wincing slightly, I tried to laugh it off. My laughter broke into a groan. “Shit, I didn’t … I mean—”
Pressing her finger against my lips, she shushed me. “Don’t. I loved every second.” Her hand drifted lower, over my chest, nails tickling a trail down my abs to my dick. “In fact, I think we should do it again. Right now.”
My dick stirred, as it would with any drop-dead gorgeous woman making her way between my legs, but fuck me, I couldn’t do this right now. I needed air, and I needed to get my head on straight. As I was passing out last night, I’d vowed I wouldn’t fuck her like that again. I took her like an animal, and in the back of my mind, I knew it was because of what I’d seen at the damn ice-cream parlor just an hour beforehand.
My ringing phone thankfully gave me an out. “Shit. I think that’s my mom’s ringtone.”
“What a buzzkill.” Alexis sat up, grabbing her shirt from the floor and pulling it over her head, sans bra. “You can go a week without speaking to her, you know.”
Reaching across the bed to the nightstand, I froze, my skittish pulse kicking up a notch. “What?”
“Your mom.” She stood, grabbing her bag and tossing her own phone in there before tugging her panties on. “It was cute at first, don’t get me wrong, but don’t you get annoyed by it now? You’re in your second year of college, for Christ’s sake.”
My mom had always been a bit of a thorn between Alexis and me. Poking and prodding when she felt like it. But Alexis didn’t help matters by being so … cold about the relationship I had with her.
“Why would I? I call her almost as much as she calls me. Besides, we haven’t spoken in a while.”
She tugged on her jeans then got to work retying her messy bun. “Forget I said anything. I’ve gotta go anyway. Just remembered I’ve probably got a pop quiz in biology this morning.”
I sat up as she walked over to the bed, the gray sheet falling over my naked waist. Grabbing my chin, she tilted my head, searching my eyes for a heartbeat that made my own thud with every passing second. “I love you,” she whispered, lips resting on mine quickly before pulling away.
“I love you, too,” I said as she grabbed her bag and headed out the door.
And I did.
Did I feel bad about getting with Alexis? Of course. At first, I felt like the worst kind of son of a bitch that ever lived. But she made me feel … better. Her friendship saved me from some of my darkest moments. And perhaps I leaned on it a little too heavily. Started to rely on it. Depended on it to keep me afloat. Because something changed, and when she made her move, I wasn’t in any kind of place to turn her away. Hell, I think I welcomed it.
I knew she liked me. She’d never kept that much of a secret from me, and as the weeks turned into months, the months turning my heart to ashes, I decided to trust the branch of more she was extending. For fear of what might happen if I continued to spiral into something I wasn’t.
One kiss. One hesitant kiss. The shaky brush of her lips planting themselves on mine, and over time, I found a glimmer of something I never thought I’d be able to have again.
I’d always thought she was attractive. But I was a guy who no longer owned his heart, and so I never did more than briefly acknowledge it. As soon as I did, long after my heart was left bleeding at my feet one sunny afternoon, the attraction grew. Raging like a long-forgotten inferno deep in my gut.
Though, in hindsight, maybe it was more of a burning desire for revenge. I didn’t know. All I knew was that I didn’t expect to lose the remaining parts of my heart to someone else.
And the guilt I felt for letting that happen, well, I thought I’d let go of that a long time ago.
Sighing, I ran my hand through my hair then snatched my phone from the nightstand. Hitting call, I laid back down on the bed and watched the lines of light dance over the sheets as I waited for her to pick up.
“Hey, baby boy.”
“Hey.” I smiled. “Sorry I missed your call.”
“Don’t worry.” She sounded like she was busy, dishes rattling in the background. “How’re you doing? I haven’t spoken to you in a few weeks, which isn’t like you.”
She was right. The truth was, I was kind of pissed at her and didn’t know how to deal with that or broach the reason. It’d make it sound like I still cared more than I should. But I knew I had to. She’d have to have known. “Did you know Daisy was coming here?” I tried to keep my tone neutral, but if I could hear the accusation in it, then so could she.
Silence. Not even a sound in the background. “Mom?”
She cursed softly. “Yes?”
Groaning, my hand met my face. “Don’t play dumb, please.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Mom—”
“Did Dad text you about the calf? He was born last week you know—”
“Ma …”
“And Mary is doing well; she’s such a fusser. As we predicted she would—”
“Mom!” I yelled. Silence again. Great. I rushed to say, “Sorry, I’m sorry. It’s … please just tell me.”
After heaving out a loud breath, she finally admitted, “Okay, fine. I might’ve known that maybe, there was a slight chance. Not a big one, just a tiny one. Retta might’ve mentioned it once in passing, I mean …”
“Mom.” My fist moved to my mouth so I could bite down on it to stop from growling at her again.
“Sorry,” she said, voice meek. “I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to, um …”
She trailed off, but I caught what she wasn’t saying. “You didn’t want to risk I wouldn’t come to Gray Springs again this year?”
Clattering reached my ear. “Maybe. Look, I have lots of dishes to do. Chickens to feed. Busy, busy. I should really be going, darling.”
“Don’t you dare. You’re not allowed to keep this from me then leave me alone to deal with it.”
“Oh,” she whispered. “What’s happened? You’ve seen her then?”
Anyone could detect the excitement in her voice. Despite knowing that she likely did this on purpose, that she’d never really liked Alexis and me getting together because of Daisy, I still needed to talk to her. I needed to tell someone who might understand what had happened, and let how I was feeling out. Hopefully then I could find a way to leave it behind. Keep moving forward.
“Yeah, a few times now,” I said, resigned.
“I’ll put the teakettle on.”