Sixteen years old
Three months. It had almost been three months since we’d moved into our new home. I’d just started a new school, but trying to do this thing called life with a vital part of me missing felt impossible.
“My teeth feel so weird,” I said as I ran my tongue over them. “Like they’re smaller or something now that all the metal is gone.”
Quinn hummed. I could hear the slap of his football meeting his palm and could picture him lying on his bed and tossing it into the air. “When are you coming home to visit, so I can see?”
Coming home. Those words felt like a dream. I was lying on my own bed, staring at the blank white walls of my new bedroom. I couldn’t bring myself to decorate them, even at my parents’ urging. I didn’t want to lay roots, pretend I wasn’t longing to be someplace else.
I hadn’t painted a thing since I found out I was leaving Clarelle.
“I don’t know,” I said quietly. “Mom says it could be a while. That it’s expensive to fly me there and back, and I’m too young to do it on my own.”
“That’s bullshit. Loads of teenagers fly on their own,” Quinn stated heatedly.
“I know.”
Silence engulfed me. Our conversations had gotten quieter every time we called. At that point, I was only calling a few times a week. It was hard. Sometimes harder to speak to him, to hear that silence on his end of the line, than it was not to call him at all.
My phone beeped with an incoming call.
“I’ve gotta go.” I pulled the phone away from my ear, seeing Alexis’s name on the screen. “Alexis is calling.”
He didn’t say anything for a long moment, then exhaled heavily into my ear. “Okay.”
“We’ll talk soon?” I bit my lip to stop the tears gathering.
He cleared his throat. “Yeah. We’ll talk soon.”
“Good luck tomorrow,” I whispered. “I know you’ll do great.”
His team had a pre-season game. “Thanks. Bye, Dais.”
He hung up, and he’d done so without saying those three words. Without letting me even say them to him. I almost gave in to the sorrow but kept it together and called Alexis back.
“Hi, stranger.”
“Hi.”
“Uh-oh. What’s wrong? Things still weird between you and Quinn?”
I didn’t know what to tell her, or if there’d be any point in saying anything. But I was becoming desperate. I still had almost two years left of high school.
Two years until we’d be together again. “I guess you could say that. God, Lex. It’s just …”
“A bit too hard?” she suggested quietly.
“Yeah.” I picked at a loose thread on my white comforter. “He seems, I don’t know, different.”
She didn’t respond for a minute. I was starting to get really sick of silence at that point and was tempted to hang up. If no one wanted to talk to me, then I might as well wallow in my anguish alone.
Then, finally, she said, “People change, Daisy. Relationships, too.”
“What are you saying?” My teeth gritted together.
“Calm down.” She laughed. “All I’m saying is that the long-distance thing doesn’t always work out.”
“It can.”
“Come on, we’re all so young. Do you really need to be questioning everything you’re not saying to each other over the phone, or what the other might be doing?” She sighed. “All I’m saying is you’ve been miserable for a long time, and so has he. You both deserve to be happy, you know?”
She had a point, which set my stomach turning and my eyes closing. I took a deep breath. “We are.” I swallowed. “Happy.”
“Whatever you say. Anyway, there’s this new guy who started here last week …”
I listened to her ramble on about some new senior for ten minutes before my mom called me down for dinner, and I said I had to go.
Sitting down at the table, I put my phone next to me, eyeing it as I ate my mashed potatoes and trying to ignore Alexis’s voice, her words, which seemed intent on tormenting me.
“How was your day?” my dad asked, taking a seat. “Make any new friends yet?”
Flattening my potatoes with my fork, I shrugged.
“Honey,” my mom said, voice soft. I glanced up, noting the concern in her eyes. “I’m just going to come right out and say it. You’re starting to worry us.”
“What did you expect?” I asked, not being able to help the bitterness coating those words.
My dad scowled, putting his utensils down and giving me a hard look. “Enough, Daisy. You’ve been wallowing for months now. You’re sixteen. Get out, have some fun, meet new people, and for God’s sake, stop staring at that phone like your life will end if it doesn’t make a sound.”
“Joseph,” my mom whisper-hissed, then turned to me. “But your father does have a point.”
“What is this?” I scooted my chair back, cringing as it scraped over the fancy wood floor. “You, Alexis, hell, probably even Quinn, want me to just move on? Like I didn’t leave half my life behind in Clarelle?”
“Alexis?” My mom’s brows rose.
“That doesn’t matter.” I stood. “Don’t you all know I’d give anything not to be feeling like this? Do you honestly think I want to feel like this? I can’t help it!”
“Daisy, watch your tone,” my dad scolded softly.
I shook my head, heading for the stairs and the comfort of my bed, but then realized I’d forgotten my phone and spun around to grab it.
My mom had it in her hand. “You can help it, by getting out there and living instead of going through the motions of someone grieving. I think it’s time you give this thing a break.”
Grieving? I didn’t think I was that bad. But after looking at my parents’ worried faces and feeling the emptiness in my chest, I had to admit, maybe they were right.
The thought hit me like a hammer to the gut, almost sending me to the floor. My mind reeled as I slowly hauled myself up the stairs, then flopped down onto my bed.
A while later, my mom came in as silent tears still coasted down my cheeks, getting absorbed by my hair.
The bed dipped as she sat down next to me, her hand smoothing some of my hair back from my face. “Oh, honey. Is it really that bad?”
She didn’t sound like she was making fun of me. She genuinely sounded like she wanted to know. Maybe she’d understand better if I explained it. “I love him, Mama,” I rasped out.
She stared at me, realization dawning. “Oh, you didn’t.”
When I nodded, she tsk’d but laid down next to me, pulling me into her arms like I was a child. And at that moment, I was happy for it. I needed it. “I’m sorry.”
“Were you at least safe?” she asked quietly. “Do not let your daddy know.”
“We were. It was only one time.” I started crying harder, remembering how we’d thought we had all the time in the world.
“Shh, it’ll be okay.” She patted my hair. “I’m sorry you had to leave him behind. We knew it’d be hard for you, but nothing like this, Daisy.” She held me a bit longer until my tears dried on my cheeks, and I felt like I could sleep for a month. “Is this what you want? To let it control you? I understand young love.” There was a smile in her sad voice. “But I also understand heartbreak and how it can change people. Don’t let it change you. You’ll see him again, and you don’t want to be someone he doesn’t recognize when you do.”
She kissed my head and closed my bedroom door behind her, leaving me with her words and newfound fears.
Was this how I wanted to spend the next two years of my life?
No. A voice echoed inside me, so loud I almost winced.
My parents kept my phone for the next month, and I thought I’d go insane. But somehow, it got easier, and I even managed to make two new friends, Hannah and Zelda.
When I finally drew my first picture, they gave my phone back. Only, when I switched it on, I found just three missed calls. One from Alexis a few days ago. One from Quinn three weeks ago. And another from him two weeks ago.
That almost broke my heart worse than leaving a chunk of it behind. Anger and hurt might’ve had a lot to do with it, but I understood now that moving on was harder than I ever thought it’d be. And making a new life for myself was only going to get harder the longer I let my old one play on a constant loop in my head, controlling my emotions and life.
Bitterness, desperation, and a huge amount of fear had me making an impulsive decision. Yet deep down, I knew I should make it anyway. I got a new number and decided to keep my heart on hold.
I vowed to still be the best version of myself I could be when I saw him again.
The same girl he fell in love with.