Chapter Thirteen

Noah

I walk her to the round lounger, waiting for her to crawl on. She places her wine glass on the side table next to the lounger and then sits down on it. I’m so happy this date didn’t go to shit after I confessed that her cooking was horrible.

I sat down and looked at the hoagie. It looked good, but the minute I had bitten into it, it tasted like burnt feet. The ‘steak’ fucking squeaked with every bite. I had to swallow my whole wine glass to get the taste of it out of my mouth and even that wasn’t enough. I couldn’t stand to see her disappointment, so I took another bite. It was the bite that ended all bites. The taste was even worse with the second bite. It was grainy now, and the dryness of the bread made it almost like sand.

But now here we are sitting in the middle of my round lounger. I pick up my phone, turning on some jazz music. The sound fills the speakers outside.

She smiles at me. “Nice touch there, Casanova.”

I lie down next to her, propping my back against the cushions, watching her kick off her brown sandals.

“So tell me,” she starts. “Who is Noah?”

I laugh at her question, folding my hands on my stomach. The need to reach out and drag her even closer to me itches. “Just a simple guy, living a simple life.” Even I laugh at that. “Okay, fine. My parents are both lawyers, so it was only normal I would follow into their path. It was actually implemented since I was old enough to remember that I was going to be a lawyer. They deal with criminal law. The stories they have told over the years, I knew right away I couldn’t do it. So I went with the complete opposite, corporate law. What about you?” I say, reaching over to tuck a strand of blond hair that has fallen out of her pinned up hair. “Who is Kaleigh?”

Her head flies back as she laughs at that question. “Who is Kaleigh? That’s a loaded question.” She tilts her head. “I’m an aunt.” She turns around, grabbing her wine glass. “I run my own yoga studio. Saved up all my babysitting money since I was thirteen.” She laughs. “Okay, and my parents gave me the down payment, but I have paid them back in full.” She drinks another sip.

“It’s funny that you said you’re an aunt first, a maternal instinct.”

I pick up the bottle of wine that I brought with me, pouring her some more wine.

“Best thing to happen to me was becoming an aunt.” She smiles when she talks about them. “I mean, minus the fact that their father deserves to have chaffing balls syndrome. Or like a constant case of hemorrhoids, bleeding and raw.”

“Wow, that bad?” I ask, grabbing my own glass of wine.

“When you promise to love someone forever, it should be forever. It’s not till someone pays more attention to me.” She shrugs her shoulders. “It’s why I will never get married. Why I will never put myself out there.” Her smile gets softer. She puts her glass on the table and lays her head down on her arm. “There is no such thing as fairy tales, Noah, no Prince Charming.” Her eyes close a little bit. Her eyelids seem so heavy.

I nod, palming her cheek in my hand. “Rest for a bit. I’ll wake you when the pizza gets here,” I tell her as she brings her knees up and lies in a fetal position.

I get up, walking to one of the benches that doubles as storage.

I take a cover out, going over to her and placing it over her. The doorbell rings, so I run inside to pay the delivery boy. Walking back to the oven, I place the pizza on the counter. I clean up the food on the table, picking up a plate and smelling it again. Grimacing, I toss it all in the garbage. I place a couple of pieces of pizza on each plate, bringing it outside. I walk to the lounger and I’m about to yell out that I’m back, but her eyes are still closed. I balance the plates, getting on the lounger with her. I try not to make too much movements so I don’t disturb her. Once I sit with my back against the pillow, I fold the pizza, taking a bite. I moan out as soon as my tongue tastes the sauce, then the meat, then the cheese. Fuck, it’s the best thing I think I’ve ever eaten. Okay, maybe not but after that squeaky fake meat, this is pretty fucking high up there.

After I finish eating my two slices, I go inside to grab my iPad. Might as well work. Bringing it to the lounger with me, I settle next to Kaleigh. Her hair is now fanning the pillow, so I take the iPad and take a picture of her. She looks like an angel, like a devilish angel. I smile, opening up my emails and reading through some contracts that need to be presented to Sal. I don’t know how long I’ve been working when I hear stirring next to me.

“What time is it?” she asks, stretching her arms above her head, and her back arches.

“Almost ten p.m.” I put my iPad on the side table, turning around to scoot down and grab her around her waist, bringing her closer to me. Her hands automatically wrap around me. “You missed pizza.” I kiss her lips while she flings her leg up over my hip, my cock positioning right inside of her pussy. The heat radiates through my pants, my cock suddenly ready to party.

“I must have been more tired than I thought I was,” she says, pressing into me. “Well, hello there, little man.” She laughs out while my face dives into her neck.

“Little man?” My eyebrows pinch together. “I’ll show you little man.” I roll her on her back, her legs spreading and then locking at the ankles and resting in the middle of my back. “He’s more than a little man. He’s like a big blue whale penis.” I lean down to kiss her, grinding into her as my tongue invades her mouth. My tongue takes control of this kiss.

Her hands go from around my neck, over my shoulders, down my arms, and up my chest before she breaks the kiss. “I really, really wish I didn’t have a rule.”

My arms hold me up. “What rule?”

“I don’t sleep with the same person twice.”

“Why in the hell would you make that rule?” I ask her.

“It’s just easier for everyone and no one gets hurt. No shaded area. And everyone is none the wiser and no ill feelings. It’s like peace and love sort of, kind of, you know.”

I shake my head. “But what if you really like the person after that one time? What if he’s the best dick you ever had?” I wink at her. “In case you didn’t understand the question, I’m the best dick you’ve ever had.”

She laughs at me. “Even if it’s the best dick I’ve ever had, I don’t break the rule.” She kisses underneath my chin. “And you really are the best dick I’ve ever had. Which now saddens me since you might have broken my vagina for all other penises out there.”

“Then we should totally make our parts meet again.” I grind into her. “My big, and I emphasize big man, would really love to come out and cuddle in you.”

She giggles again and this time her stomach lets a big grumble.

“Well, then I guess this wooing will have to wait till you’re fed.” I roll off of her and my cock protests by jerking. “Maybe you’re hangry and that is why you think we should fuck again.”

She turns to roll off the lounger, sliding her hair back into a bun. “Yes, feed me.” She picks up the glasses and bottle of almost empty wine, following me inside.

I take out her pizza, sliding it into the microwave. I grab her a fork and knife while she sits herself at the island. Placing the now hot pizza in front of her, I smile. “For you, milady.”

She grabs a piece, folding it like me and eating it, totally ignoring the fork and knife. “This is really, really good,” she says in between bites. “So much better than the steak sandwich, right?” she asks, grabbing her second slice.

“You can’t call it a steak sandwich if there is no steak in it.” I lean on the counter on my elbow. “And there was no fucking steak in that thing.”

She takes a sip of water that I had placed down before I put the pizza there. “Okay, fine, the veggies sandwich then.” She rolls her eyes as she continues eating.

“So how do I get you to break your rule?” I wonder how much she will stand on her vow.

“You can’t.” She shrugs her shoulders. “I won’t put myself through that and I refuse to put the other person through that.”

“So what if we just hang around as friends and if things progress then it’s a win-win for both of us.” I try not to sound desperate. I’ve never hung out with a woman in my life, but for another taste of her I’d be more than happy.

She looks at me with a perplexed face. “You want to hang out with me to see if I will change my rule?” She shakes her head, taking another bite of pizza. “You have lost your mind. Men and women can’t be friends.”

I stand up straight, folding my arms over my chest. “Why the hell not?” I ask her.

“Well,” she starts saying, wiping her hands in a napkin, “women are from Mars, men are from Venus.” She shrugs, picking up her glass of water like she just solved a case.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“You can’t possibly be friends with the opposite sex without the black and white becoming gray.”

“So are you telling me that you aren’t friends with any male people?”

She shakes her head. “No, I have many male friends. Most are gay and most are my friends’ spouses. But I am not friends with males I’ve had sex with.”

My hands shoot up. “Why the hell not? If you have a ‘rule’”—I put my hand up into motion—“then why can’t you close yourself off?”

She shrugs her shoulders. “I’ve never put myself in the position, so I can’t answer that, but I can say that if you and I”—she points from me to her—“were friends, that black and white will turn to gray.”

I smile at her. “You can’t say no to my charm?”

“No, I’m saying that you won’t just want a friendship with me. You will get jealous if I have another date. You will get jealous if we go out for coffee and then a ‘friend’”—she uses quotations—“calls me or I meet another man.”

“Bullshit. I think I can contain myself. I think you can’t contain yourself. I think that once another woman looks at all this,” I say, moving my hand up and down to motion my body, “you are going to do what girls do and that is to take out the claws and start laying claim.”

She throws her head back and laughs. “You really think that highly of yourself.” She continues, “How’s this? Tomorrow I’m going to go to yoga with ‘friends’. You should come,” she says, getting off her chair, grabbing her plate, and going to put the plate in the sink.

I grab her around her waist, bringing her flush to me.

“Friends don’t stick their penises in other friends’ stomachs.”

“My penis only gets up to salute really good, good friends,” I say, letting her go. “Now let’s prove your theory wrong, shall we?”

“All right,” she counters, turning to grab her purse. “So I’ll text you the address tomorrow and I guess I’ll see you there.”

“Wait,” I say while she bounces down the steps to her car, “am I not picking you up?”

“That would be a date.” She turns around again, walking to her car, unlocking the door.

“Wow, you don’t think you can be in a car with me without it turning sexual?” I lean against the doorjamb, smiling. “Interesting.”

“You’re a funny guy, Noah.” Is the last thing she says before she gets into the car and drives off.

I watch her lights till I can’t see them anymore. Closing off all the lights around the house and making sure everything is locked up, I head to bed with a to-do list and a smile on my face.

My morning goes off without a hitch. I’m about to ask someone to get me lunch when Harvey comes in my office.

“I came to see if people were lying,” he says, going over to sit on the couch.

I’m about to answer him when Austin walks in. “Asshole.” He almost yells, looking over at Harvey. “Hey.”

“Why am I an asshole now?” I ask, leaning back in my chair, my hands going to the armrests.

“Oh,” he starts, “you’re an asshole every single day, but now it’s even bigger. He made John and I go on a stake-out for a girl yesterday.”

“Really?” Harvey asks, all intrigued.

“It was during the day. In the sunlight. People called the cops because they thought we were pedophiles.” He shakes his head. “I crawled through piss and shit for him. It took two showers to get the stench off of me. I actually think it was skunk piss,” he finishes while Harvey laughs.

“Oh, please, you wouldn’t be able to sit in the car if it was skunk.”

“The office is buzzing about him also. He came in to work whistling.” Harvey looks from Austin to me. “And he hasn’t made one pass at any of the girls this morning.” He nods his head.

“I’m sure I did,” I say, trying to remember and realize that I haven’t said an inappropriate thing all day. “Let me ask you,” I finally speak up. “If someone would be doing goat yoga, would they wear a jock strap?”

They both stop talking and blink at me. Austin starts first, “Why the fuck would you be going to yoga, let alone goat yoga?”

“Kaleigh said she doesn’t fuck the same guy twice. So, I convinced her that we can be friends,” I say, folding my hands on my stomach.

“You’ve never been friends with a woman in your life,” Austin and Harvey say at the same time.

“That’s not true. I’m friends with Dani and Barbara. Oh, and…” I snap my fingers, trying to come up with more names.

“Number one,” Austin starts, “you’re friends with Dani because John would cut off your dick with a rusted saw if you even looked at her sideways, and that was before they were even married. And Barbara is ninety.”

“Okay, can we not do this cross examination right now? Should I wear a jock or not?”

“So,” Harvey starts, “you bang this girl. Stake her out, then when she tells you that she doesn’t bang the same douchebag twice, you proceed to tell her that you only want to be friends with her, and she buys all this?” he asks with his eyebrows pinching together.

“Oh, God,” I say, sitting up, now running my hand through my hair. “I can totally be friends with a girl.” When they both shake their heads I continue, “I can. So what if she broke my dick? I can do this. How hard can it be?”

“So you are going to do goat yoga? What the fuck is that?” Harvey asks.

“I Googled it this morning. It’s basically yoga and goats just walk around.” I throw my hands up. “Free rein.”

“Definitely wear a cup,” Austin says, finally chiming in.

“That’s what I thought also. Imagine if they come and bite my dick.” I shake my head. “I would die.”

“Yes, you should definitely cover the twig and berries,” Harvey says.

“That’s what I was thinking,” I say, grabbing my crotch. “Keep everything in place and intact.”

Harvey gets up, slapping Austin on the shoulder. “I should go. I need to order my wife jewelry or something to thank her.” Then he looks at me. “For everything.”

I laugh at him as he walks out. “You know that she is going to see through your bullshit, right?” Austin says. “You wouldn’t know platonic if it hit you in the nuts and then kneed you in your face.”

I tilt my head. “Dude, you have anger issues I think you should fuck out of your system.” I get up. “Besides, maybe I don’t want to fuck her either.” I smile big. “I need to work on my game face.”

“You are so fucked. Goats are the least of your problems.” He shakes his head, walking out of the room.

“I’m fucked? You’ve been walking around with a boner for your assistant. That’s even after she almost made your testicles explode!” I yell as he walks away, flipping me the bird in the air. “You don’t have a yoga mat I can borrow by chance?”

He just shakes his head till he turns the corner.

I pick up my phone and text Kaleigh.

Where does one buy a yoga mat and clothes?

Her answer is almost instant.

I’ve got you covered. Show up fifteen minutes before so you can change.

Perfect. See you there, friend.

I smile, putting the phone down, making a list of things we could talk about. Things friends talk about. Weather, politics, scratch that, no one talks about politics. So far weather. I buzz for Norma to come into my office. Once she comes in, I ask her, “Norma, what do you discuss with your friends who are male?” I pick up my pen, waiting for her answer to take notes.

“You can discuss a bunch of things. Weather, travel, your day, favorite food, schools, kids, sports. The list goes on and on, sir.”

I nod. “This is great. Thanks again, Norma.” I smile at her as she walks out. She turns around right before leaving.

“This look is good on you,” she says.

“What look is that?”

“Smitten,” she says, walking out, leaving me smiling.

Shit, if this is what smitten feels like. I look down at my dick. “Sorry, dude. I’ll take care of you as much as I can.”