NINETEEN
VIKAN FOUND HER where he always did. He found her where he met her, in the Golden City, in the bustling marketplace on the lowest terrace of the dark mountain.
She was oblivious to the crowds, in her own small world. She was browsing the furs and brightly colored spun silks, her head cocked to the side, her black hair tumbling down the length of her back. It had been her hair that had first caught his attention.
But unlike the other times when he visited her like this, Vikan wasn’t struck with grief or loss. He didn’t drink her in like he was parched. He didn’t study and try to memorize the lines of her beautiful face—which had begun to soften and fade as time went on—because now Vikan could see past that. He could see everything with new eyes.
And just like the other times, he knew it wasn’t really her. It was only their memories, tucked away in the safe spaces of his mind that he liked to visit often when he missed her, when he wanted to see her, when he wanted to remember.
“Nitav,” he called.
She turned to him, her blue eyes flashing, the silks forgotten as she immediately approached. Nitav reached out to touch his arm and just like always, her fingers were cold.
“You came back. You always do,” she said, her voice light and playful. A breeze rustled her hair towards him and though her scent didn’t reach him, he remembered it well. The scent of the extracted oil of a fragrant root that grew in the eastern lands that so many females seemed to favor at that time, before many had been killed.
It had been peaceful then. A different life.
They’d all been different.
He led her over to a private alcove towards the north end of the market, away from the crowds, away from the noise, and shielded somewhat from the intense Luxirian heat that beat down on them.
“What is it?” she asked.
Vikan knew it wasn’t real, but he needed to do this for himself, after so many rotations of avoiding it.
He’d never truly said goodbye to Nitav. And perhaps that had been why he’d hung onto her memory for so long…because he couldn’t say goodbye. But right then, all he could think about was how much he longed to start a life with Taylor, as difficult as it would be at first, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to until he finally made peace with Nitav’s death.
“You’ve been gone a long time, Nitav,” he started softly, his eyes holding her own. They were a bright blue. Once he thought nothing would be more beautiful to him. Until Taylor had found him. “Over ten rotations now.”
Her voice was soft when she said, “Gone where? I’ve been here the whole time, Vikan.”
“To the blackworld,” he replied. “As so many of our females and males did during that time. So many were mourned, so many unnecessary deaths. Unfair deaths. Many thought the Fates were punishing us. Many turned their backs on them before their own sorrows stole their lives too.”
“Vikan,” she said quietly.
“For a long time, my sorrow stole mine,” he admitted. “But for some reason, I did not end it. I carried on because something was driving me to, something wouldn’t allow me to give in. Now I know why.”
“I do not understand,” she whispered. “You are talking in riddles. This is so unlike you.”
“I found my fated mate, Nitav,” Vikan told her.
Her breath hitched, pain in her eyes. “So soon? I thought I had more time. I thought we had more time.”
When she’d been alive, Vikan had often heard Nitav worry that he would find his fated mate when she was still his Breeding partner. He’d brushed off her worries at the time, telling her that he worried she would find her own fated mate too.
They both loved each other enough to think it wasn’t a legitimate concern. But now, Vikan knew better. Vikan knew that the pull and connection to a fated mate simply couldn’t be ignored and fought against, no matter how hard he’d tried in the beginning.
And now? He couldn’t imagine his life without Taylor in it. It simply wasn’t fathomable. And he knew that he would do anything to convince her to stay. If she wouldn’t, he would follow her to Earth, consequences be damned, until he could convince her.
The words felt final as he said them, “She is my future, Nitav. And as much as we loved each other then, you are my past. I cannot continue visiting you here. I have to come to say goodbye and to finally let you go, after all of these rotations.”
Her lips parted and she studied him, eyes somber.
“It is finally time,” he murmured, brushing his fingers across her cheekbone. He felt warm affection in his chest, but no longer the painful prick of romantic love. Nitav had not only been his Breeding partner, but his dearest friend. Even though he was saying goodbye, he knew that he would always remember her fondly.
But it was time to move on. It was time to begin again.
For the first time in a long while, he was truly looking forward to his future and even though he couldn’t see his own fate, he didn’t need to. As long as Taylor was by his side, his future was bright.
Finally Nitav spoke. And Vikan knew that the words she spoke would’ve been what she’d have told him, had she been alive.
She caught his hand, squeezing gently with her cold fingers. “I will always love you, Vikan,” she murmured, a small, sad smile appearing on her features. “But we always knew we could never compete with a fated mate, though we tried to fool ourselves. I can only wish you happiness and I will pray for the Fates to bless your matehood and any offspring that come from it.”
Vikan inclined his head to her, his chest aching. “You honor me, Nitav, with your prayer.”
“Will you tell me her name?” she asked, surprising him.
“Her name is Taylor.”
“Taylor,” Nitav repeated, the Earth name rolling strangely on her tongue. And though her smile was still sad, she said quietly, “She is lucky to have a male like you, Vikan. Please tell her that. Please tell her that I know she will bring you happiness.”
Vikan slowly reached out and embraced her for the last time. She felt strange in his arms, yet familiar.
Slowly, he felt the dream fading, the edges curling in. And he knew he would never return.
“Goodbye, Nitav,” he said softly.
* * *
Taylor was awake when he surfaced from the dream, his mind thick with fog and memory. It took him a moment for clarity to return and when it did, he noticed that Taylor was sitting up beside him, her naked body hunched and curled in, her arms wrapped around her knees, which were drawn up to her chest.
Vikan purred, reaching for her, running his fingers over her arms.
His lips turned down, however, when she flinched away from his touch. It was then that he noticed she couldn’t quite meet his eyes.
Worried, he pushed up from his position on the floor. “Luxiva, what is wrong?”
She looked unharmed, just a little tousled from their night of mating.
His heart sunk. “Did I hurt you last night?”
He saw her jaw pulse and it was then that she turned her head to look at him. Her expression was difficult to read. Her lips were red from his kisses the night before, but her cheeks were pale and her eyes were sad.
“You were saying her name,” Taylor said softly. “Over and over again.”
His brows furrowed. “What—”
“Nitav,” Taylor whispered. “Nitav, Nitav.”
Vikan stilled, understanding making him freeze.
“Taylor, it is not…I did not…” But words failed him as panic and dread filled his veins, weighing down his bones. “Please, luxiva. Let me explain.”
“I was trying to wake you up,” she said, in a tone he’d never heard before. “I was lying here, in your arms, warm and happy, and then you said her name over and over while I was touching you. What am I suppose to make of that?”
His heartbeat pounded furiously in his throat, but before he could respond, she continued.
“The worst part is that I truly believed you when you said you had moved on, when you said that you wanted a future with me,” she whispered, that strange moisture entering her eyes again.
“You know I do,” he rasped. “Please do not doubt that, luxiva.”
“Last night,” she started, her eyes watching him, “I asked you if you would come find me in my dream. And you said that you had to do something. You went to her, didn’t you? You wanted to dream about her.”
“Tev, but it is not for the reasons you think, female,” he said, his tone low, his horns flattened against his skull. “I found her in my own memories because I wanted to say goodbye to her. For good. To make peace with her death.”
Taylor bit her lip, her expression wounded and Vikan hated that he’d been the cause.
“I—I don’t know if I can believe that,” she admitted, her hands coming up to squeeze her temples, looking away from him. “I already believed you before and now I just don’t know.”
Vikan went to his mate, needing her to understand that he went to Nitav with pure intentions. It was ironic to him that when he finally said his final goodbyes to Nitav, it was when her memory threatened his future with Taylor.
“Please, luxiva,” he murmured, pulling her hands away from her head so that he could see her clearly.
Her face was lined with the moisture leaking from her eyes and she said, “Please don’t call me that. Not right now.”
“I will always call you that,” he rasped, shaking his head.
“Vikan,” she whispered, trying to push him away, her expression as defeated as he’d ever seen it. More dread pooled into his stomach. They were so close to Lopixa now, so close to her potentially leaving him to return to the Golden City. “Please stop. I just need to think. And I’m so sick of thinking all the time.”
Vikan tried to calm himself, but it was difficult with the level of panic he felt. But he’d learned much about his mate during their journey and he knew that Taylor meant what she said. She needed time.
They just didn’t have much of it left.
But he would need to trust her. He would give her some time in her own mind, but they would need to discuss this in detail soon. And if they reached Lopixa before that time, then Vikan would follow her back to the Golden City until she did agree to talk to him. He would never give up on her. If he had to follow her all the way to Earth, he would, without hesitation.
So, even though it was the most difficult thing he’d ever had to do, he said, “I will give you time, luxiva.” Her breath hitched at the word, but she didn’t say anything about it. “I will go retrieve our coverings from the shore and then we can leave.”
Taylor kept her eyes firmly on the cave floor and Vikan rose to a stand, his chest feeling heavy.
He walked to the entrance of the cave, saw the suns were making their ascent, heralding their last span of this journey. It wouldn’t take them long to reach Lopixa from there.
Softly, he couldn’t help but say, “Regardless of how long we have known each other, female, I know that you see me. I know that you know me to my core. Trust in that if nothing else, tev?”
He heard her make a small sound in the back of her throat in response. Then he left to retrieve their coverings so they could begin their final journey.