Chapter 10
An hour later, Tiana looked out the Marriott's windows. The landscape was drenched with water, and the rain was still coming down. She could see the inch of standing water glistening on the road below, splashing up in waves each time a car drove by.
Flashes of lightning lit up the sky, and the thunder was muffled by the sound of the air conditioning unit, which she’d turned to a slightly warm temperature to get the chill out of her bones.
Across the street, she could see the Lightman Hotel.
He’s there, she thought. Faye’s right — there’s no way a plane could take off in this weather.
She could only look at the Lightman Hotel for an instant before her anger caused her to look away. He doesn’t want me, she thought. He thought I was married. Fucking asshole.
She turned to the empty room, where her sad, wet suitcase sat by the door. Her muddied sneakers were lying haphazardly across the just-vacuumed carpeting, and a bright pink and white box of to-go donuts sat on the little round table.
I need a hot shower, a show on television, and some comfort food, she thought. She turned to the window once more, and pulled the thick shades down over the glass. Then she drew the patterned fabric curtain across as well, creating a double layer of protection between herself and the world outside.
She walked to her suitcase and took out a tee shirt and pair of shorts, and placed them over the air conditioning unit with the hopes of getting some of the dampness out of them. Then she entered the bathroom, stripping off her soaked clothes as she went.
When she stepped into the shower, her mind was instantly filled with the memory of the last shower she had enjoyed.
She looked at the soap and remembered the way Tabor had lathered it in his hands, and then caressed her body, cleaning her. She remembered the way he’d looked, naked with water pouring over him. She remembered the way his body had felt, when it brushed against her own.
In comparison, the shower she’d been looking forward to now felt like a lonely, miserable experience. She barely cleaned herself before stepping out.
The towel waiting on the sink for her was small — much smaller than the expensive ones at the Lightman Hotel, and the way it fit around her body made herself conscious. Just like in high school, she thought. I’m still too big for the towels. If Faye was here, she’d point and laugh.
She dried herself off roughly, trying not to look in the mirror as she did so. She didn’t want to see her own reflection.
When she went back into the hotel’s main room and felt the clothes that she’d placed over the air vents, she found that they were still damp and cool.
Because they were still the driest option she had, she pulled the tee shirt and shorts on.
Donuts will help, she thought. Donuts will make me feel better. And some mindless television. She reached for the remote, and the box of donuts, and climbed into the bed.
Once she found some old sitcom reruns, she opened the box of donuts.
She’d purchased six, and they sat in the box like little consolation prizes.
Her eyes wandered over them, taking in the frosting, powdered sugar, and rainbow sprinkles. Little splotches of chocolate bubbled out of one, and another dripped with white icing.
Each one held its own message for her.
You don’t deserve to be with a billionaire like Tabor Knight.
You don’t deserve to be with a successful man.
You don’t deserve to feel successful.
You’re a nobody.
You’ll never amount to anything.
Who are you kidding?
She lifted the first one. You don’t deserve to be with Tabor Knight.
You’re fat and ugly and no one will ever want you.
She bit into it, and tried training her eyes on the television while she chewed. The donut was sugary sweet, filled with sticky strawberry jam and coated with confectioners’ sugar.
The television showed a woman in her twenties out on a coffee date with a young man. The two were talking and laughing.
Tiana tried to lose herself in the scene. She took another bite of the donut and felt a burst of jam dribble down her chin.
Who cares? she thought. There is no one here to see me.
Her eyes looked back to the television, but instead of the screen, she found her attention diverted to the mirror behind it. She caught her own reflection — her rumpled tee shirt, powdered sugar and jam on her chin and cheeks. Her hair was a mess — she hadn’t bothered to blow dry or style it after the shower.
Her eyes were puffy from crying. She held the donut in one hand, and the box of pastries lay on her lap, ready to be consumed. The blankets pooled around her, draped over her frame as if she was an invalid in a hospital bed.
Except for me, she thought, looking at the woman in the reflection. I’m here to see me. I’m here.
She watched the woman in the reflection lower the donut.
I’m always here. And when I treat myself badly, I can see it. I see it all. I’m a constant witness. There’s no way to escape that.
All of these years, I’ve witnessed myself. Nothing I’ve done has ever been in private. There are no secrets. I hear every thought. I witness to every mean thing I think about myself.
She looked at the woman in the glass across from her. The woman looked so sad.
I’m sorry, Tiana thought, looking at the woman she’d been so mean to over the years. I’m sorry for everything mean I’ve ever said to you and thought about you. I’m sorry I haven’t been believing in you — not really.
I’m sorry if I didn’t think you were good enough. You know what? You try your hardest. Even if you make mistakes, that’s okay. I love you anyways.
And I’ll always love you.
As she thought this, Tiana felt something heavy lift off of her. A feeling of fear, guilt, shame and regret that had been swaddling her like a blanket was suddenly removed from her shoulders.
She placed the donut back into the box. The need for comfort, for some kind of protection from the uncomfortable emotions she’d been dealing with, was suddenly gone.
She reached for the remote, and pressed her index finger against the power button. The television screen went black, and the canned laughter faded into an abrupt silence.
The silence felt pregnant with possibility.
I’m going to go home in the morning, she thought. I’m going to go home to my mobile home and my cat and my job as a cashier. My empty bank account and my struggles. All of my baggage with my weight — all of the memories of fighting against being overweight. I’ll be right back where I started from. Unless…
She got up off of the bed and placed the box of donuts on the table, and left the jelly donut that had been in her hand on top of the box.
Is there a different way to do this? To live? To be Tiana in the world?
A different way to think?
If I keep on closing out the world, and looking for protection and comfort, am I ever going to get free from the limitations I’ve set on myself?
She paced back and forth, walking quickly. It felt good to move.
I’m holed up in here… hiding from Faye and her friends. Hiding from the hurt that they can inflict on me. Hiding from all of the pain that I experienced in high school. But I can’t really get away from it. Even when I’m hiding, the memories are with me. It’s all in my head, she realized. And I can decide if I want to feel it and listen to it or not. That tape’s been running through my mind for a long time.
I’m in here… hiding from Tabor and feeling angry about how he treated me, but I was treating myself just as bad — or worse. I barely allowed myself to think that he might want to see me again. We were having fun, hooking up, and I was barely able to accept that it was happening.
How’s that for self-confidence? she thought sarcastically.
She walked to the window and yanked the fabric curtains aside. Then, she pulled the shade up. The grey light of the world outside met her eyes. I don’t have to hide from this, she thought. Not anymore.
I don’t have to think like that anymore. Not ever.
She looked out at the Lightman Hotel. Maybe he liked me, she thought. He looked at me like I was beautiful, didn’t he? I barely allowed myself to see it. She remembered the look in Tabor’s eyes when he took in her body.
Did he enjoy my curves? she wondered. Did he appreciate my skin, my face, my eyes, my smile? Why was that so hard for me to accept?
I have to ask him, she realized. I have to know what he saw in me. I can’t keep on running from the things that I’m afraid will hurt me. I have to face it, head on. I have to be brave.
She turned back to the room with a new-found sense of courage. I deserve closure, she thought. I can’t leave Austin without talking to him again.
She rushed to her suitcase and opened it. She started digging through it, throwing clothes out onto the floor around her. It was so obvious to her now, with her newfound perspective, that the clothes she’d been wearing had been a part of her protective barrier from the world. Baggy tee shirts, her hooded sweatshirt, and the unflattering jeans she’d been wearing earlier that day were case in point.
She lifted the fitted jeans that she’d worn to the reception up and looked at them. These, she thought. I’m going to wear these pants. And… she reached for the tight-fitting chemise that she’d bought to wear to bed after the reception. It was revealing, but felt like the perfect outfit to announce her sense of confidence to the world. She took the two items in her hand, along with a bra and pretty pair of undies for added confidence, and found a hotel key.
She left her room and went to the front desk. After asking and discovering where the laundry room was, she tossed in the items into a washing machine. As she waited for them to get clean and then dry, she daydreamed about her life.
What will it be like, without my self-inflicted beatings? she wondered. What if I start encouraging myself constantly, instead of beating myself up? What is possible for me?
She felt elated and excited when the drier buzzed, announcing that her clothing items were ready.
Her hotel room felt like an entirely different space as she re-entered it. The donuts looked completely unappealing, and she dropped her clean clothes on the bed and then walked to the box of pastries. She lifted it and chucked it resolutely into a waiting waste basket.
Then, she found the alarm clock’s radio button and turned to a pop station. Uplifting music pumped into the hotel room, adding to her upbeat mood.
Her second shower of the evening felt decidedly better than the first. She luxuriated under the steamy water. After lathering up the soap, she ran her hands over her own breasts, delighting in the way they felt under her own fingers.
Feeling sexy and clean, she emerged from the water. Instead of getting down about the size of the hotel room shower, she did a dance as she dried herself off and then blow dried her hair. And as she dressed, she sang out loud to the song on the radio, making up the words as she went.
At eight o’clock, she was ready to face her fears.
She looked out at the Lightman Hotel from her window one last time before exiting her hotel room and making her way to the lobby.
When she emerged from the lobby into the Texan evening, she was not surprised to find that the pounding rain had stopped pouring from the heavens.
The air was supercharged with a fresh feeling, and the ground had been polished clean. There was still water standing on the sidewalk and the road as she crossed it, but she leapt across the puddles easily and was able to stay dry.
It was only when she reached the room that she knew Tabor was in that her high mood flagged, for just a moment. She felt a hint of doubt creep into her heart as she lifted her hand to knock against his door.
It’s okay, she told herself.
Just talk to him. You owe it to yourself.
She knocked, and then waited.
No one came to the door.
Damn it, she thought. Did he leave? Did he change rooms?
She knocked again.
Again, silence was the only answer.
Maybe rich people can fly in any kind of weather they want to, she realized. Maybe he’s gone. Back to California already. I’ll never have a chance to ask him what he saw in me. I’ll never know.
She waited a full two minutes, her ears perked and listening for any sound of movement or life from the room within.
But after the minutes passed, she gave up.
He’s not in there, she realized. She turned slowly away from the door, back towards the hallway.
As she turned, she heard footsteps coming down the hallway. She looked up.
There was Tabor. He held a large white food take-out container in his hands. He stopped in his tracks when he saw her.
She froze as well.
“Tiana?” he said. He started walking towards her.
She felt the speech that she’d been carefully rehearsing in her mind leave her.
“Tabor,” was all she could say.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” she answered.
He stopped as he reached her side.
He looked confused by her presence. His eyes were guarded, not open and sparkling as she remembered.
He’s going through things too, she realized. Don’t make this all about you.
“Can we talk?” she asked.
Tabor nodded. “I think we should,” he said. He reached for his key in his pocket, and then used it to open the hotel room door.
*****
Tabor held the door open while Tiana walked in.
The minute she passed by him, he felt the deep, unsettling attraction course through him. How does she do this to me, he wondered. Every time I see her?
He struggled to maintain composure as she walked into the hotel room ahead of him. Stay cool, he reminded himself as he took in her shape.
Her tight, silky tank-top hugged her breasts, making them look even more attractive than he thought was possible. She was wearing some kind of push-up bra that made her cleavage look deep and inviting.
Her pants fit her just right, hugging her ample ass. He found that in addition to the attraction, he was relieved in some way that she was back, and he noticed for the first time how tense he had felt before seeing her.
It’s more than just the weather, and the canceled flight, he realized. This shitty mood I’ve been fighting set in right when she walked out of my hotel room this morning.
I’m glad she’s back.
I’m glad we’re going to talk.
But what am I going to say?
What does she want to hear?
His feelings were so jumbled up inside of him that he didn’t even know where to start.
I’m no good at relationships, he thought. How could I have let this get so out of hand?
I let myself fall too hard for her. I thought she was engaged, so I didn’t keep my guard up.
Now what?
He watched her move through his hotel room. She looked different than he remembered. Something about the way she was walking and carrying herself was absolutely magnetic. He wanted to walk up to her and kiss her, right then and there.
But he didn’t go to her. Hold on, he told himself. Don’t let your emotions get any more out of control.
*****
Tiana let her feet dig into the plush carpeting as she walked, enjoying the feel of Tabor’s eyes on her. She felt sexy in her outfit, and was glad that she’d blown out her hair and put on makeup as well. Turning her head slightly as she walked, she caught sight of herself in the mirror.
I’m with you girl, she told her reflection. I’m with you, not against you like I was before. You don’t have to worry about that anymore.
And you know what else? You look good. You look great. You look fucking amazing.
Her confidence now built up, she turned to face Tabor. She saw him staring at her, his mouth agape, as if he was completely stunned by her arrival in his room.
“I don’t like the way we left things,” Tiana said.
It wasn’t what she planned on saying, but it was the truth. “We come from very different life circumstances, Tabor,” she said. “But before that, we were both kids at the same high school. I knew you before you were a billionaire. Before you had a private chef and a personal trainer and your super-successful business. I know you’ve been through things too. You’ve been hurt by people just like I have. I know you have your own stuff to deal with.”
She watched her words sweep over him, and could tell that her words had caught him off guard.
His hand, which was holding his take-out container upright, fell until it was limp at his side, and some kind of juice began dribbling out of the side of it. He quickly realized this and lifted his hand again to hold the container steady. He moved to the low dresser in the middle of the room and set the container down.
“Wow,” he said. “That’s not what I expected to hear.”
He lifted his hand to his chin and began rubbing it. “I thought you were going to yell at me for being so distant. That’s been… that’s been the story of my life, with women…”
“I’m not here to yell at you,” Tiana said. She was glad she’d spoken from the heart. She could see that her words had a big impact on him.
“The truth is, I haven’t thought about high school in a long time,” Tabor said. “Not really. But I guess it’s always with me… high school and even before that… the way I saw things when I was just a kid. That stuff never leaves, does it?” he asked.
“It only leaves when you want it to,” Tiana said.
She said the words without thinking, but as soon as she said them she realized the truth in her words.
“I had to come here to Austin to see how much baggage from my past I was carrying with me,” she said. “Once I saw it, I could let it go. But if you don’t look at it, it just lurks around in the dark.”
“Shit,” Tabor said. He sat down on the bed. “You’re right! I can’t believe I’ve been missing this. This whole time. I thought I could escape all of that. But you can’t run from it, can you?”
“You have to face it,” Tiana said.
The room was quiet and Tiana let that sink in. Then she walked to Tabor, and stood in front of him. It’s now or never, she thought.
When she spoke, her voice was hushed. “When I met you, I couldn't believe that you were really attracted to me. My body… and even me...as a person. The woman inside of this body.”
She forced herself to say these words, but couldn’t meet his eye as she spoke. “I need to know the truth. What do you see in me? Was this all just a big mistake?”
Though she had been riding high on confidence all day, in that moment, she felt more vulnerable than she had ever felt in her entire life.
She stood before Tabor, a man who was the epitome of success, without any armor on. There was no alcohol dulling her nervous system, emboldening her speech. There was no food to reach for, to dull her senses. There was no sound to hold her attention, no screens to take her focus away from the moment at hand.
Here I am, she thought.
Tabor looked up at her and met her eye. She could see that he felt it too — the pureness of the moment. The nakedness of the moment.
Tell me, she thought. Tell me what you think of me. I need to know.
She waited for Tabor’s response.
Instead of the words that she expected, he stood up off of the bed, and lifted his hand to her cheek.
He held her face tenderly and gazed into her eyes as he leaned down and kissed her.