Chapter 11
It felt right to kiss Tabor, despite all of the things that remained unspoken between them. Tiana forgot that she was waiting for his words. As his lips moved against hers, she forgot that she had even asked a question.
He kissed her tenderly, exploring her mouth with his own. His lips moved against hers. His thumb caressed her cheek, his fingertips grazed her neck.
She felt herself grow weak at the knees.
His strength held her upright. She leaned into him, accepting his support as he pulled her closer.
When he pulled his lips away, they were both breathless.
His hands remained cupped around her face. His eyes locked with hers. He looked deeply into her eyes, searching her depths as if for answers.
She saw confusion in his eyes.
After a moment, he closed his eyes, and leaned forward so that his forehead was touching hers. His hands moved from her face, down her neck, to her shoulders.
His palms felt warm against her exposed shoulders. She could barely feel the thin straps of her chemise or bra. Under his touch, her shoulders felt naked.
I’d like to be naked, she thought. That’s why I came over here, isn’t it? I wanted to see him — I wanted to be with him — again.
His hands moved from her shoulders down each arm, slowly, leaving tingling warmth in every place that he touched. He reached for her hands, and wrapped his fingers into hers as he leaned down and kissed her again, his lips brushing hers and then pulling away tantalizingly.
She felt so turned on by him, and his slow, tender touches.
She felt him release her hands, and his fingers moved along her back. He caressed the skin of her shoulder blades, and she felt her chemise straps falling off of her. He moved his hands up over her shoulders, and then down to the tops of her breasts.
Tiana enjoyed the feeling of his touches along her breasts. She was glad that she’d worn the revealing top. She’d never felt as sexy as she did in that moment. The look on Tabor’s face showed that he was captivated by her, and she liked the feeling.
She reached for the lower hemline of her top, and pulled it slowly up off of her head.
She saw the confusion in Tabor’s eyes increase. He caught her eye. “Are you sure--” he began.
She stopped him by putting her finger to his lip. She didn’t want to talk, at that moment. She only wanted Tabor to hold her in his arms.
She wanted him to keep on touching her.
Tabor accepted her request for silence. The look of confusion left his eyes. He started touching her again. This time, his hands had more freedom over her breasts, now that the silky chemise was gone.
His hands explored her curves, dipping into her bra. She felt his fingers move across her nipples, and this excited her. He leaned down and kissed the top of her breasts, at the same time unlatching her bra in the back.
He pulled the satin fabric off of her, and dropped it onto the floor. He lowered his head again and moved his mouth to her nipples, and sucked them one by one.
Tiana moved her hand between Tabor’s legs, and began rubbing his erection. Tabor sucked on her nipples harder as she stroked him lightly. He released his mouth from her nipples, and again moved his hands to her breasts. He played his fingers along her tight, pointed nipples.
She rubbed his dick with slightly more pressure, her excitement growing.
Tabor moved his hands to her pants, and began unbuttoning them. She shimmied out of them, glad that she’d worn sexy panties.
Tabor stepped back and looked at her.
“Mmm,” he said.
Tiana climbed up onto the bed. She lay back with her head against the double row of puffy pillows. She spread her legs apart, inviting Tabor in.
Tabor pulled his tee shirt off and then slipped out of his pants. He removed his boxers as well, and retrieved a condom from his wallet. Tiana saw him place it on the nightstand.
She moved her hands to her pussy and began touching herself through her panties, in anticipation of Tabor.
Tabor climbed onto the bed and over her. She stopped touching herself, and gave Tabor room to take over. He situated himself between her legs, and she felt his hard erection move against her panties, bringing warmth and friction between her legs. Again his lips went to her breasts.
He sucked her nipples, and then touched the wet mounds with his fingers, rolling the tips between his fingers.
Tiana felt her arousal growing. She allowed herself to grind her hips into Tabor as he traced his erection over her panties.
His member felt so good. She wanted it inside of her. She could feel her satin underwear becoming wet with her juices.
Tabor’s hand traveled from her breast down to her navel. He caressed her stomach, and then slipped his hand beneath her underwear. She felt his fingers lightly stroke her wet clit. Her excitement built.
His fingers didn’t stop. He plunged his fingers inside of her, and then gently stroked her from the inside. She was aware that he found her g spot when an intense sensation of ecstasy broke over her. Soon she was moaning as his fingers steadily moved inside of her.
She moved her hips as the sensation grew, and allowed the feeling of bliss to roll through her. She’d never orgasmed so quickly or completely, but he was touching her in just the right spot, and she had no control.
As the orgasm peaked and then passed, she felt limp and filled to the brink with a sense of ecstasy and sensuality.
Tabor grinned.
She saw him reach for the condom and begin rolling it over his hard dick. She was completely relaxed, yet she felt ready for more. Her pussy was open, wet, and ready for him.
She pulled off her panties as Tabor finished putting on the condom. She opened her legs even wider, and Tabor found his position between her legs again.
He entered her slowly, and the pleasure that she’d felt peaking just a moment earlier returned in its fullness. She felt him move inside of her, slowly, sending waves of pleasure through her. She wrapped one leg around him, and felt him enter her more deeply as she did so.
He began kissing her neck. The movement of his tongue against her neck felt delicious. His tongue was wet and hot.
His dick moved in and out of her slowly, steadily, making her pleasure grow to new levels.
When she orgasmed a second time, she felt Tabor coming along with her.
She cried out with pleasure and felt him grip her tightly as his pleasure peaked as well.
Slowly, he released her.
She closed her eyes and settled her head back into the pillows, letting a sense of relaxation spill over her.
Tabor lay down at her side. She could feel him relaxing as well. She waited for his arm to circle around her, so that she could enjoy the sensation of being held in his arms that she’d been waiting for.
Instead, she felt him sigh and then roll over in the bed. She opened her eyes in time to see him sitting up. She watched him get off of the bed and walk to the bathroom.
His activity dragged her from her sense of cozy connectedness, and into a state of fear and concern.
Why doesn’t he want to hold me? she wondered. Why is he acting like this?
She sat up as well, and looked down to the floor. Her bra, top, and pants lay in individual heaps. Standing, she reached for her bra and began putting it on.
She leaned over the bed and searched for her panties. When she found them tangled in the covers, she pulled them on as well.
The toilet in the bathroom flushed, and the water started running.
He’s taking a shower, she realized. What’s this all about?
She had time to pull on her tank top and pants before the water turned off. Tabor emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a pair of gym shorts.
She stood facing him.
“I don’t know how you do that to me,” Tabor said, looking at her with a mix of awe and confusion.
“Do what?” Tiana asked.
“It’s like I can’t think straight when you’re around me. Like I can’t use logic.”
“Right,” Tiana said. “Because logic would tell you not to be with me… right?”
Tabor was still. “I don’t mean that in an offensive way, Tiana,” he said. “But you’re right. We have very different lives.” He pushed his hand through his hair. “This doesn’t… this doesn’t make sense. What I’m feeling doesn’t make sense.”
“What are you feeling?” Tiana asked.
Tabor was quiet. He looked uncomfortable. She tried again. “What has this… all of this… meeting me here — our time together — what has it meant to you, Tabor? Why did this happen?”
Please, she thought, Tell me what I want to hear. Tell me that this means something to you.
Tabor shook his head. “I don’t know, Tiana,” he said. “I don’t know. Maybe it was a mistake.”
She felt her heart begin to sink. That is not what I want to hear, she thought.
“I’m not a guy who… who is good at things like this,” Tabor said, struggling to speak. “I told you…It’s just me and my dogs. I’m a workaholic. Women accuse me of being distant, and I guess they’re right.”
“But Tabor — I know you. I know the real you. You don’t have to be like that with me. You don’t have to try to protect yourself.”
Again she saw that her words seemed to cut deeply into him.
He crossed the room and reached for his tee shirt. He pulled it over his head.
“How do you know that?” he asked. “I’ve been protecting myself my whole life,” he said, once it was on.
“And how is it working for you, Tabor?” Tiana asked. “Are you really happy?”
He was silent.
Tiana continued. “I’ve been living that way for a long time — trying to keep myself safe from pain. But at some point, you just have to be vulnerable to it all. You have to come out of hiding. I was hiding behind my extra padding, my baggy clothes, and a story of never having enough. I think you’re hiding behind your perfect body, and your demanding job. But is that enough, Tabor? Is that enough for you? Is it enough to feel safe and protected, but never truly seen?”
Tabor sat down heavily into a chair.
“I know it’s not perfect,” he said. “I know I have things to work on. But it’s who I am, Tiana. I can’t change it now. I want to. I wish I could be the guy that you need. But that’s not me.”
“It could be,” Tiana said. “I’m not asking you to change everything all at once, Tabor. I just wish you would admit that this meant something to you. That I meant something to you.”
She waited, holding her breath.
She saw Tabor struggling internally, and she waited while he processed what she was asking of him.
When he lifted his eyes to hers, she saw that it had been a losing battle. His expression was colder than it had been only moments before. He once again had that steely, reserved look — as if she was a client at a business meeting.
“I’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head.
She waited for more, but that was all he offered.
She felt as though she had traveled through a mansion with winding hallways, searching for the room that held Tabor’s heart. She’d wandered through the hallways and located the room at last, but he would not allow her in. The door was firmly closed and tightly locked.
She felt defeated.
“Okay,” she said softly. “Well then, I guess this is the last time I’ll see you.”
“Yeah,” Tabor said.
He stood.
Tiana began walking to the doorway, and Tabor followed her.
With her hand on the door handle, she paused. She turned to him, and impulsively kissed him.
To her surprize, he kissed her back.
It’s as if his brain and his body want different things, she thought. Her heart felt heavy with sadness as the kiss ended. It was painfully perfect. We make no logical sense, she thought, but we fit so well together —as if we are meant to be.
She met his eyes, and asked him silently: Are you sure that this is what you want? For me to leave?
There was no clear answer in his eyes. Instead she was met with a murky look of confusion.
She sensed that he felt just as much pain with her departure as she did, but that he was unwilling to admit it, even to himself.
She pulled on the door handle, opened the door, and stepped outside.
Back in her room, she undressed and slipped under the covers naked.
She felt saddened from Tabor’s denial of feelings for her, yet she couldn’t help but sense that there was more, which he wasn’t saying.
I’m proud of myself, she thought, as she closed her eyes and drifted towards sleep. I didn’t get the answer that I wanted, but I was brave enough to try. At least now, I won’t go home and be haunted by what-ifs: what if there was more for Tabor and I, if we’d only discussed it? What if Tabor really was in love with me? What if he only needed the opportunity to say it?
Now, I’ve given him the opportunity, and I know the truth.
He and I are not meant to be.
This was painful to admit, but she forced herself to think it a few more times. It’s not meant to be, and I have to accept that. I have to be okay with that. I have to move on.
Is that possible?
The next morning, she took a cab to Austin Auto and picked up her Dodge. When she sat behind the wheel and turned the key, the ignition fired up right away and the engine turned over smoothly. It purred to life and she smiled and settled back in her seat, just listening to it run.
Finally, she thought. I have my wheels back. I can get home.
She pulled out of the mechanic’s lot and out onto the street. Spotting a sign for the highway that would take her east, she merged into the left lane.
Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted the donut and coffee shop that she had stopped into the day before. A minivan parked in front of the shop caught her eye. It was the exact van that she had seen Faye drive up to the mechanics the day before.
Faye is in that shop, Tiana thought. She swerved right and pulled off onto the parking zone on the side of the road.
The morning was crisp and sunny, in drastic contrast to the day before. Tiana enjoyed the feeling of the sun against her skin and the fresh, post-storm smell in the air as she walked to the shop’s door and opened it.
Stepping inside, she looked around. She spotted Faye waiting in the long line of people heading to offices around Austin.
Faye was on the phone, and as Tiana zeroed in on her she heard Faye raise her voice. “I told you it was your turn!” Faye said angrily. “You know Tuesdays are crazy for me, Bobby. I reminded you ten times about this last night, and if you hadn’t been drinking your fifth beer, you would have remembered!”
Tiana saw several other people in line look at Faye, and Faye lowered her voice. Tiana couldn’t hear the rest of the conversation, but she saw the look of frustration on Faye’s face when she finally hung up and jammed her phone back into her purse.
A boy of about ten came barreling across the store, being chased by a second boy slightly younger.
“Hey!” Faye yelled, once again drawing the attention of the crowd. “Boys! Slow down! This isn’t the soccer field!”
One boy kicked the other, and tried to run past Faye, who grabbed the kicker by the elbow.
“Bobby Junior, that’s enough! Go sit in the car, now!” Faye said angrily. She reached into her purse again and got out her key fob. As she turned and pointed the fob at the window to open her car doors, Faye saw Tiana in line.
Faye’s face was flushed with anger at her son, and for once, she didn’t look perfect.
She’s always had these moments, Tiana realized. I just couldn’t see it. I was so intent on making her into this perfect person. But she’s always had struggles of her own.
Tiana nodded hello to Faye silently.
Faye gripped her son’s arm tightly, and spoke to him, without looking away from Tiana. “Go sit in the car,” she demanded.
“But what about my milkshake?” the boy asked.
“You’re not getting one. I told you to behave and you kicked your brother.”
“Mooooom!” the boy hollered.
“Now!” Faye yelled back.
People in line were shaking their heads in disapproval and annoyance. The shop quieted down as the boy stalked through the crowd and out onto the sidewalk, his brother in toe.
Faye reached the ordering station, and placed a lengthy order.
Tiana continued to wait in line, and when she reached the counter she ordered a coffee and a donut. I might as well, since I’m here, she thought. She glanced over at Faye, and saw that Faye was waiting for her order.
Tiana gripped her receipt and walked forward towards her former nemesis.
“Good morning, Faye,” she said.
“Hi,” Faye said, her voice filled with attitude. “You’re still here, I see,” she added disdainfully. She busied herself by digging through her purse and pulling out her phone, but Tiana wouldn’t let Faye ignore her. She spoke up.
“Yes,” Tiana said. “I’m just leaving town now, actually. But I saw your car and realized that there was something I needed to say to you.”
Faye continued to ignore Tiana. She pulled out her phone and tapped on the screen as if she was busy.
Tiana kept right on talking.
“I wanted to say that I’m sorry,” Tiana said. “I’m sorry for all of the mean things I’ve thought about you, since high school.”
She felt better, saying it. “I thought I was coming here to Austin to get an apology from you,” she said, laughing. “I spent so long getting ready, because I wanted you to see me differently. But now I see that it doesn’t matter how you see me, Faye. The only thing that matters is how I see myself.”
Faye was quiet, and had stopped tapping on her phone. She didn’t meet Tiana’s eye. A girl behind the counter called out the number of an order, and Faye looked at her receipt. “That’s me,” she said, holding up her receipt.
Tiana smiled. She genuinely felt love towards the woman before her.
All of these years, she thought, I’ve been hating on this poor woman. She was just a teenager. She was taking out her own pain and insecurity on me. It wasn’t her fault.
Faye looked stunned as she stepped forward and accepted the bag. She held onto it tightly, and turned towards the door.
She looked at the exit, and then back to Tiana.
“I’m sorry, too,” Faye said. Her voice was quiet and had a slight shake to it. “We were really mean to you, weren’t we? All those things we used to say to you in the locker room, and the way we’d steal your towel. I was the leader of the pack — I could have stopped it if I wanted to. I’m sorry.”
Tiana felt a tear well up in her eye. She had not apologized to manipulate Faye into apologizing too. Faye’s apology was completely unexpected. And it felt good to hear.
“I forgive you,” Tiana said, as a tear spilled over her lid.
She saw tears well up in Faye’s eyes too. Faye rolled her eyeballs up and lifted a heavily jeweled finger to her lower lid, pressing it in to stop the tears. “Oh gosh,” she said, sniffing. “Now my makeup going to run.”
“Mine too,” Tiana said, trying to wipe away her own tears. She laughed and Faye laughed as well.
“Order number 34!” the girl behind the counter yelled. Tiana knew that was her own number.
Spontaneously, she reached her arms out and wrapped them around Faye. Faye hugged her back, still laughing.
It felt so good to hug her.
Tiana had never known a feeling of such intense relief.
As they parted, Faye asked, “are you going to be at the next reunion, to celebrate year fifteen?”
Tiana shrugged. “I don’t know,” she said. “Who knows where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing in five years.”
“You’re so lucky,” Faye said enviously, as Tiana turned to the counter and accepted her donut bag and steaming hot coffee. “I wish I had that much freedom.”
Tiana smiled. Imagine
that, she thought. Faye wants something that I have.
Together,
they walked towards the door.
On the sidewalk, Tiana paused before heading away from Faye, towards her car. Faye paused as well.
A happy silence filled the air for a moment, as Tiana continued to marvel at the miracle that had just occurred.
“I hope to see you soon,” Faye said. She reached inside of her purse and pulled out a card. “Here’s my number, if you’re ever in Austin give me a call. Maybe I’ll see you at the next reunion.”
Tiana felt as though she was saying goodbye to a favorite friend instead of an old enemy as she accepted the card and gave Faye another squeeze. Happiness and love flowed through her.
“That would be wonderful,” she said. They parted ways, and Tiana was soon driving towards the highway once again.
She sped up on the entrance ramp and then merged into the line of traffic that would escort her East.
Wow, she thought. That felt amazing. Her mind wandered over the whirlwind of a weekend that she’d experienced.
But when she reached memories of Tabor, she pushed the thought away.
She wasn’t quite ready to process everything that had happened with him.
Not yet, she thought, a pang of pain and regret shooting through her heart at the thought of him. It might take some time to get over him, but I’m strong enough. I’ll give myself time. I’ll get through this, just like I’ve gotten through everything else.
Tabor Knight isn’t impossible to get over.
Is he?