Chapter Three
Thomas could feel his heart pounding hard in his chest. He was not quite sure what to make of this. At least now he could see why all these young women were so infatuated with Christopher Godwin. He was absolutely stunning.
Christopher was probably the tallest man Thomas had ever seen and built like some sort of a barbarian from travelers' accounts. Broad and strong, he loomed over Thomas like a great oak tree. His features were rugged and yet fine, as though carved by an Ancient Greek sculptor. His golden locks shone in the candlelight.
Add to that his wealth and status, and there was no doubt that Christopher would be incredibly popular among young women of every walk of life. The only mystery was that he was still unmarried. Or perhaps it was no mystery. Here was a man who had every single young woman at his beck and call. Why would he settle down when he had everything available to him?
Thomas knew from first-hand experience how immodest and unladylike some of these “proper” young ladies would become when they thought they stood a chance of becoming a Baroness. A Duke would probably receive the same treatment, the same invitations. Sure, not all of these young women were like that, but enough of them were. And Thomas had no doubt in his mind that many men in his position would take advantage of the situation.
He was still slightly at a loss as to why Christopher Godwin had brought him out there. This man could be in the great hall, dancing and talking with any number of his female guests. Unless, of course, the rumors were true... Thomas had heard some of them himself over the course of dinner. Christopher was not a normal, respectable man. He had unnatural desires. Desires for men. Desires for sex acts so obscene they would not be mentioned in polite company. Desires which he regularly used his status to fulfill.
Thomas knew he ought to be disgusted by these suggestions. Everyone else was, but he wasn't. They thrilled him in a way he hated himself for.
“What is it that Your Grace, I mean you, wish to talk with me about?” he asked nervously.
“I simply wish to get to know you. I have not seen you around much. Have you moved here recently?” Christopher began, leaning against the wall, stretching his body to make his clothes tight around himself, revealing the strong muscles underneath.
“No, I am...” Thomas glanced away and took a deep breath, trying to regain his focus. “I have lived in this town my whole life. I do not go out much.”
“And you seem to be rather young too,” Christopher replied. “I suppose you are eighteen, nineteen perhaps? You will be invited to more parties yet.”
“I am twenty-two.” Thomas laughed a little.
“And yet unwed?” Christopher replied with an eyebrow raised. “How rare.”
“You are thirty and unwed, are you not?” Thomas asked.
Christopher shrugged a little. “I travel a lot. I have kept a great many mistresses,” he explained as calmly as though he were discussing the weather. “I have not yet seen any need to marry. Yourself, on the other hand... you seem more the type to marry. You seem like a decent young man. A good boy.”
Thomas blushed and shook his head a little. “I am not quite prepared to wed.”
Christopher nodded. “I see...” He smirked knowingly at Thomas. Their eyes locked.
Thomas felt slightly nervous but could not look away. It seemed the rumors were true. Christopher was, indeed, looking at him the way most men looked at women. And yet... what could he do about it? It was not as though they could go home to their parents and declare that they were going to court one another. It was not as though anything legitimate could come from this.
And still he could not look away. He smiled meekly.
The smirk didn't leave Christopher's face as he stood up straight again and in two determined strides was directly face to face with Thomas. Thomas could feel the heat emanating from Christopher's body. He could smell the sweet and musky odor of his cologne. He could see the red flush in Christopher's cheeks and lips, the shine in his eyes. He wished to lean in and kiss those lips.
But he could not.
“I love this dance,” Thomas said, glancing longingly toward the door. He could not stay out here. The temptation was too great. If he stayed any longer he would surely commit an unforgivable sin.
“Then let us dance,” Christopher insisted, seizing Thomas’ hand before he even had a chance to begin moving.
Thomas did not resist or struggle. That huge, powerful hand nearly enveloped his. It was so big and strong, yet smooth and soft. The hand of a man who had never had to work a day in his life. Thomas laughed nervously. “But... we are both men.”
“You may be the woman,” Christopher replied, taking Thomas’ other hand and placing it on his own shoulder.
Thomas let his hands rest where Christopher had put them. He almost melted as he felt Christopher's huge hand grip his waist firmly and pull him in against the older man's enormous figure. Christopher began to dance, forcing Thomas to match his steps, making a great effort to recall the woman's steps and not to ruin the moment.
In Christopher's arms he felt so small and so frail, so delicate and dainty... Was this how women felt dancing with a man? He looked up into Christopher's eyes. It was intoxicating. He had wanted this sort of touch for so long. And now he was feeling it. Those strong hands gripping him, holding him close, guiding him. He wanted more and more.
“I wonder what people would think if they saw this,” Thomas said quietly.
“Nothing they haven't thought before, I am sure,” Christopher replied.
“So the rumors are... They are true?” Thomas asked, his face flushing hotly. He could feel his heart pounding hard again. “Do you... with men?”
Christopher's eyes lit up again in a way Thomas could not quite understand. He smiled. He seemed so... so deeply satisfied. “Yes, it is true,” Christopher eventually replied, pulling Thomas in even closer. “I do fuck men.”
Thomas was not sure if he could blush any more than he already was. He smiled nervously. “Oh... That is... interesting...”
Christopher chuckled. “I suppose it is a little unorthodox...”
“It is more than unorthodox; it is a grave sin,” Thomas replied, averting his gaze.
“If it were a sin, then why have I been rewarded so handsomely in life? I am handsome, wealthy, beloved, to inherit a Duchy... I cannot possibly have committed a grave sin,” Christopher replied, raising his hand up to stroke Thomas’ cheek.
Thomas felt the older man's fingers slide beneath his chin and tilt his head so as to make him look into Christopher's eyes. In them he saw unbridled, unapologetic passion. True passion, like that held by artists, warlords, and kings since the dawn of time.
“Tell me, do you believe a man who had committed a grave sin would be permitted to lead a life like mine?” Christopher asked, gazing into Thomas’ eyes.
“I suppose he would not be,” Thomas whispered, his eyes focusing on Christopher's sensual mouth.
Thomas was not quite sure what to make of any of this. He had never actually allowed himself to hope for these rumors to be real. But... clearly, they were. Which presented him with a dilemma.
Powerful men, such as Christopher Godwin, could afford to be openly attracted to men. Not only did society quietly tolerate it, but it seemed as though no natural or supernatural force was acting against Christopher either. And yet... the church had always condemned it. It had been condemned for thousands of years. And society around him had always warned him against it.
Could all of that be wrong? Could Christopher and those like him be right? It opened up a whole new world of possibilities to Thomas. Especially considering that, as the son of a Baron, perhaps he would rank highly enough for society to turn a blind eye to his indiscretions also...
But this would be an enormous change for him. He was not sure he was ready to brave that world. He wanted to so very badly. He wanted to lean in and kiss those lips. He wanted to feel Christopher Godwin swoop him into his strong arms and carry him upstairs. But he was also terrified. Terrified it may all be a big joke. Terrified that he was not powerful enough to get a free pass. Terrified that some divine or natural wrath would smite him down, as he had been promised time and time again.
It was too much. Too much and too soon.
Thomas shook his head slowly. “I suppose what you are doing cannot be so grave a sin. But perhaps what others have done has been...”
Christopher chuckled. “Nonsense. Gluttony is a sin, greed is a sin, wrath is a sin... You can see how those offenses take over a man's mind and soul, ruin his life... To love another man is not sinful.”
Thomas was not convinced, but he was no longer convinced of what he had been taught either. He remained silent and followed Christopher's footsteps as he danced.
“And if I am not mistaken... you are of a similar inclination to myself,” Christopher said.
Thomas felt a chill run down his spine. He had not been certain, at first, whether or not he had been discovered. Now he knew that he had for sure. He smiled meekly. “I am not sure if I am or not.”
“Inexperienced?” Christopher asked. “Even so, I am sure you know... I was talking to some of my acquaintances, and they said you burn through marriage prospects like kindling, yet none ever seem quite right for you... They say you are simply pompous, a spoiled brat, entitled and idealistic. That you simply will not settle for any woman because you think you are better than them. And yet here you are... dancing with me. I would say that my explanation makes much more sense.”
“How do you know that you prefer the company of men?” Thomas asked quietly. “How can you know for sure?”
“You simply do,” Christopher replied. “The same way you know you prefer sweets over savories, or red over blue.”
“But I have tried neither,” Thomas insisted. “What if neither is any good?”
“Well, you are no good at dancing and yet here we are. So, I suppose if neither works, you shall have to make do. But wouldn't you rather know?” Christopher asked.
Thomas nodded sternly. “I would. I would much rather know.”
“And what better way of knowing whether you like something or not than to try it?” Christopher said in a deep whisper.
Thomas felt another shiver travel down his spine. He felt his groin grow warm and his mouth grow dry. He needed this. He wanted this. He did not need to try anything at all. He knew, with complete certainty, that he would much rather be thrown down in bed and devoured by Christopher Godwin than touched by any of the women his parents had presented him with. He knew he wanted that musky cologne rubbed off on his skin, those huge hands gripping his naked waist, that soft mouth exploring his body...
“Come, we can go to my quarters.” Christopher nodded toward the staircase. “Nobody shall be any the wiser, trust me.”
“I... I must not. It is not decent... It is not proper...” Thomas shook his head.
“People do indecent and improper things behind closed doors all the time,” Christopher replied.
Thomas shook his head again. “But not good people.”
“Good people too. As long as nobody finds out, even the king, even the vicar, will do the very things they declare illegal and ungodly to the public,” Christopher said with a slight laugh.
Thomas knew that Christopher was telling the truth. After all, he already knew about the adultery, the theft, the blasphemy, and the other myriad of crimes and sins which people of a certain status committed when they believed nobody was looking. It was not impossible to believe that any of the others he had not yet witnessed were also happening. But he was not ready to do this, not just because other people were.
Thomas felt genuinely tempted. And yet... The prospect was also terrifying. He shook his head and slipped his hands away from Christopher's body. “I am sorry, Your Grace, but I must decline. We ought to return to the party before anyone questions our absence.”
“Are you sure?” Christopher asked, looking a little crestfallen.
Thomas nodded sternly.
He knew that many other people would have leapt at the opportunity. Any one of those young women who had crowded around Christopher Godwin that evening would certainly have been ready. Possibly some of the men too. But just because they would have done it did not make it right.
He was feeling such a strong urge simply because he had never in his entire life dreamed that it would be possible to live out his desires. He was like a man stranded in the desert, parched and starving, stumbling across an oasis. And just because the water was there did not mean he needed to drink it all at once. Indeed, it could easily turn to sand... He needed to wait, to temper himself, to see what he truly thought and felt.
Besides, he needed to either confirm or deny what Christopher Godwin had said. Because were he telling the truth, then Thomas would have plenty of opportunities to indulge his desires. Whereas were he telling a lie, then Thomas had escaped from the maws of the wolf of social convention. He could not afford to take such risks on a whim.
Rejoining the party in the great hall felt strange, as though waking up from a dream. Everyone was still milling around, chatting, and dancing as they had been when he had left. Nobody had noticed either absence.
It was, in a way, just as Christopher had said. Nobody noticed. Or if they did, nobody cared. Or if they did, nobody would say so. It was all above board. It was all acceptable. So long as nobody overtly mentioned it, life went on.