Chapter Seven
Thomas knew it was too late to go back now. If what he felt for Christopher was corruption, then he was well and truly corrupt. And he did not mind it one bit. It was so delightful, so perfect, so much of what he had always wanted but never dared wish for. He did not care what the world thought about such acts. They did not know, they did not need to know, and that was all that mattered.
He had a more pressing concern in the back of his mind. He desperately wanted to do this again. To taste and feel Christopher's body again. To continue learning from his new lover. But after Christopher's hasty departure, he was suspicious that perhaps the love he had perceived had not truly been there. It had all been an elaborate ploy to seduce him.
He was afraid that Christopher would not return.
He tried to tell himself the fear was baseless, but he also knew he was powerless against the world should Christopher choose to stay away. He could not confront Christopher. The man stood to become a Duke, and society would side with him, not Thomas.
But he could not go through this alone. The advice he had heard time and time again from other men, at least concerning women, was that a new one would help you forget the old one. But Thomas had no clue how to go about finding a new man. He didn't particularly want to either. He wanted Christopher to come back.
There was one person he could confide in. He was not sure that she would not judge him or hate him. But he knew that at the very least she would keep his secret for him and could even offer him help and advice.
Making sure he at least looked presentable, Thomas made his way from room to room, looking around the house. He found her in her room, reading a book in a chair by the window. Her long curls hung around her head like a subtly carved frame for her doll-like face. Her blue eyes were soft and loving.
Delilah smiled. “Brother, what can I help you with?” She was always so comforting, so kind to him... She understood him in ways their parents never could.
He drew a deep breath. He knew she was his only hope, and that at least she would not betray him. But this confession would still cause him much pain.
Delilah listened intently, nodding reassuringly. That's not to say she did not appear horrified. Like all good young women, she had been taught that what her brother felt and desired was an abomination. But she was unable to make that leap and declare him an abomination also. He was... her brother. Her eyes showed only compassion.
“What do you intend to do?” she asked him.
He shook his head. “I do not know. What can I possibly do? It is not as though this sort of a relationship could develop into anything more.”
Delilah shook her head. “All relationships change and mature, given enough time.”
“Not in the eyes of the world.” Thomas sighed.
“Every great love story is written about loves the world does not approve of. I suppose it's our way of saying we secretly do not hate all that we are told we should,” Delilah replied.
Thomas nodded. “I suppose all that is left is to wait and see if he truly is coming back for me.”
Delilah nodded back. “I'm sorry I cannot be of more help...”
“You... You will not tell anyone?” Thomas asked warily.
She shook her head. “Not a soul. This can be our secret.” Standing up, Delilah hugged her elder brother tightly.
Solution or no solution, Thomas felt so much better for telling her.
***
The next morning, at breakfast, his mother once again announced that he had a suitable young lady visiting.
“Miss Victoria Ingram,” Baroness Fitzroy said, leafing through yet another book. “Good breeding, educated, very beautiful. I am sure you will like her.”
Thomas nodded sternly. “Mother... what if I did not like any woman?” he asked.
“Whatever do you mean?” she replied with a laugh.
“What if even after meeting every eligible young woman in the country, I am still not interested in any one of them,” he explained.
She shook her head a little. “Do not worry, that shall not happen. You will find someone you like eventually.”
Thomas sighed. “I suppose I will.”
Victoria was, indeed, of good breeding, educated, and beautiful. She was also distracted, haughty, and, most importantly, not Christopher.
“I am a friend of Delilah's,” Victoria said.
Thomas nodded. “Is that how Mother knows you?”
Victoria shook her head, the ringlets beside her ears bouncing. “No, the other way around. Your mother kept inviting me so Delilah and I became the best of friends.”
“Are you still best friends?” Thomas asked.
Victoria shook her head at all. “Not since years and years ago. Though I still visit often.”
Thomas nodded. He just wanted her to go away. She was dull and always spoke in the tone of voice one would use on a child. Not only could he not picture himself marrying her, he could not picture himself tolerating her for much longer.
“I was here yesterday,” she remarked.
He nodded. “I did not see you. I trust you had an enjoyable time and were properly cared for.”
She nodded back. “I was. I like to talk and walk around houses when I am in them,” she began.
Thomas nodded again. “I suppose it makes for a pleasant change of scenery from home.”
“Yes, it does. And you get to hear things, and see things, which you definitely do not see at home.”
“I see.” he said warily. He did not like where this was going. Her tone of voice, her expression, none of it. But he was not about to set himself up. Perhaps what she knew was wholly innocent.
“Thomas, I was here yesterday. I heard what you said to Delilah,” she said, locking eyes with him coldly.
“I say many things to Delilah,” he replied, trying to sound calm and failing.
“I know what you and Christopher Godwin did yesterday,” she explained. “And unless you comply with my demands, I will make sure everyone who matters also knows.”
Thomas swallowed hard. “I see. What do you wish for? Money?”
Victoria let out the mocking laugh of a spoiled brat. “No, no. We have more than enough money of our own. I wish for you to marry me.”
Thomas blinked, then stared. “I beg your pardon I—”
“I want you to marry me,” Victoria repeated.
“But you know about His Grace and I?”
Victoria nodded. “I do.”
“So you know that I am a—”
“A Molly,” Victoria said bluntly. “Yes, but it does not matter. In fact, it will serve me well should I marry a man who will never touch me.”
“But... why? Why would you torment me like this?” Thomas asked, beginning to feel truly desperate.
“I fully intend on becoming a Baroness,” she affirmed.
Thomas sighed. “I... I shall think about it.”
“No. You shall not think about it, you shall do it. You shall go downstairs and tell your mother, as I listen behind the door, that you adore me and wish to marry me,” Victoria spat. “Or I shall tell her that yesterday you spent your time being filled up with His Grace's fine English sausage.”
Thomas bit his tongue. He could not bear the thought of marrying such a wretched harpy. He also could not bear the thought of anyone discovering he was attracted to men.
Nobody would respect him if they were to find out. Christopher had it easy. He had so much power, it did not matter if anyone were to find out about him. And besides, when a man enjoyed the company of women and men, any adventures with men were seen as a form of deviance, not as sinful as being unable to lust after women.
He sighed. “Very well, let us go,” he said.
He wished Christopher were there. Christopher would probably know what to do.
His mother was once again reading in the front room, paying no attention to anything other than her book.
“Mother,” he began, glancing back at the doorway nervously, “I have come to a decision.”
For the first time in a long time, Baroness Fitzroy closed her book and dedicated her attention to her son. “What is it my pet?”
“I... I find Victoria very attractive, and I would like to marry her,” he said.
Baroness Fitzroy stared briefly, blinked, then... “Oh Thomas! I am so proud of you. I knew you would find the right woman eventually!”
She stood up and wrapped her arms around her son, hugging him closely and swaying from side to side a little.
Thomas felt sick to his stomach. But this was what he had known he would have to do. His whole life was leading to this.
The incident with Christopher was just a brief flash compared to the amount of time he would be with Victoria. His love for Christopher was just a feeling he would live with every day of his life.
He could never live with Christopher, or any other man. He could never love them. If he was lucky, Victoria would never ask for his physical attention. She may even turn a blind eye to him seeing other men.
He would just have to hide it. Forever.
Delilah was initially confused, but when he explained his predicament to her that evening it all made sense.
“Men like that rarely return anyway,” Delilah sighed.
Thomas nodded. “I know this. I just- I wish it could be some other way.”
Delilah nodded. “I understand you completely. I wish... I wish men were different too. But they meet you and get to know you carnally. They promise you so much. Whatever you want to hear. But then they will just use you and discard you like you are nothing.” She sighed.
Thomas raised an eyebrow. “That was a particularly specific example,” he said. “Is there... anything you want to tell me?”
Delilah blushed and averted her gaze. “That is beside the point. He will not be back. And even if he were to return, what could he do? Marry you instead?”
“I know, I know, it is an impossibility. I simply... I simply wish it were not,” he said with another sigh. “Whatever did I do to deserve this fate? This curse?” he asked. “I am a good man. I have always tried to be good. And yet this is the life I have to live?”
Delilah shook her head. “Sometimes even good people are tested. They just need to do the right thing.”
Of course. The right thing. And he knew exactly what everyone would say was the right thing. To marry Victoria. Settle down. Repent for his sins. Have children with Victoria, to continue the family name and title. Make his parents proud. Lead a good and dignified life. Not become like Christopher. And never spend another minute with someone like Christopher for the rest of his life.
Were he to ask Delilah what the right thing would be, this is what she would surely say. And she loved and respected him truly for who he was. His parents would not understand. Society as a whole would not understand. If even Delilah believed that repressing himself and marrying Victoria was the right thing to do, then everyone would believe so.
He had to do it. He had to marry Victoria. He had to lead that life of pious restriction and repentance.
But he knew, deep down in his heart, that he could not do it.
***
Seeing Victoria the next day made his stomach turn. He needed to turn her away. To make her aware that his intent of marriage was about to be withdrawn. Perhaps if he did it this way he would be able to negotiate the situation with her. Reach a mutual agreement.
He would take anything, anything but marrying a bitter, cold, calculating woman he did not love and living in fear of her for the rest of his life.
“You look a little tense today, dear,” Victoria said with a smug smile. “Have you not yet come to terms with your fate?”
“I am sorry but I cannot. I do not love you,” he stated. It was better to just bite the bullet, to get it out of the way fast, before his second thoughts trapped him.
Victoria laughed. “And I do not love you. People do not marry who they love.”
“But I could not marry someone I can never, in my entire life, grow to love. Especially not when I have experienced what love is,” he replied somewhat nervously.
“Oh please,” Victoria said with a sigh. “You love a man. An older man and a Duke nonetheless. You have no hope at all of ever being with him. You would simply disgrace your family name.”
“Then I suppose I shall disgrace my family name. Unless there is any other way of persuading you to keep quiet,” Thomas replied.
“No, you will pay. And I shall marry you anyway,” she said with a slight huff. “I cannot believe you would do something so foolish. I shall give you another chance to reconsider before I go to your mother, no, your father, and tell him what I know and what you have said.”
Thomas shook his head. He did not even give himself time to think. He knew that if he mulled it over he would choose reason. Cold, tortuous, loveless reason.
Victoria let out a frustrated grunting sound. “Very well, you complete and utter imbecile. You shall see what happens when I do not get my way.” Standing up, she took her cup of tea and threw it over him before storming out the room. “Your parents will keep you locked up here forever, I shall marry you anyway and take your place, and you will be nothing.”
Thankfully the cup of tea was not particularly hot or full. Thomas blotted his clothes dry with a handkerchief and looked at the gaping maws of the open doorway.
He tried to relax and read for a little, but all he could think of was Victoria. Her words echoed in his mind. She could not possibly be right, could she? Surely his parents may imprison him at home, have him committed, or simply disown him. But they would not hurt him so badly, by forcing him to marry Victoria nevertheless? They were surely not that cold?
But deep down he knew that they were.