A couple of weeks later, lo and behold, miracles of miracles, Daphne and I were still on semi-speaking terms. Don’t get me wrong, it still was kind of a mess between us. But at least I thought we were being a little more cordial with each other. Or as cordial as two people who wanted to kill each other could possibly be.

You could almost say things were looking up for us.

And then our first three episodes aired and it was…it was okay, I guess.

That’s it. They were nothing to write home about or celebrate over.

To be honest, I wasn’t sure what I had been expecting either. But damn, was I always so…so fucking goofy? Because that’s what I came across as with the flawless Daphne by my side. Yes, goddamn it all to hell, she had been flawless. She hadn’t missed a step, a queue, a beat, and all that jazz. She looked like she was made to be in front of the camera. Daphne was comfortable and relaxed and honestly, her beauty kind of radiated from the outside in.

Me, not so much.

At least I was a handsome devil because that was the only thing I had going for me.

Maybe since we had that big argument not too long before we started working together and I was trying to overcompensate or something. I don’t know. Whatever relaxed-I-don’t-give-a-shit-vibe thing I was trying to pull off, didn’t work.

At all.

But that goofy vibe? I had that goofy vibe shit down pat.

Daphne, on the other hand, looked ridiculously gorgeous and spoke clearly throughout the segments. She was bubbly enough without seeming too fucking eager…unlike me. And she held the interest of someone as picky as me while I tried to sit through a whole hour of our show each time.

I knew I wasn’t going to be only one who noticed how crappy I was either. So when my phone started vibrating like crazy after the third episode aired, I knew that my brothers had picked up on it and had no problem letting me know too.

It went a little something like this in our running group text:

Trevor: Could you be any more of a douche with that hair, Max?

Jack: You should know, Trev, you have the same barber.

Trevor: That kind of shit is exactly why people start talking about you as soon as you leave a room, Jack.

Me: Can you two shut up so I can watch this?

Jack: Max, seriously though, your hair needs help. It looks like something I drew with my left hand.

Trevor: Leave the poor guy alone. You’re making him feel as important as a white crayon.

Jack: I’m sure he can take the criticism. Right, Max?

Me: Fuck off.

After that I had to mute the conversation so I could try and watch the rest of that episode in peace and quiet. Which was really a lost cause because I was critiquing myself every few seconds. It was too exhausting and humiliating. And not ten minutes after the episode aired, I had a text message from my boss, it said:

Meeting in my office tomorrow, 9am.

“That’s just fanfuckingtastic,” I said to myself. “Unemployment line, here I come.”

I knew better than to be late today.

But knowing something and doing that same something were two different things.

So I was late any way.

My rationale was telling me that since I was going to be fired today why not go out with a bang. I even stopped at Starbucks on my way into the office and picked up a coffee to go for Adam, Oliver, and me.

Nothing for Daphne. Fuck that noise.

If she was going to be taking my job from me there was no reason for me to buy her coffee too. Instead, I was going to be petty all the way to the end of the line and down with this sinking ship. All while I was drinking my delicious vanilla latte, of course.

Strolling into the building at about ten minutes after nine o’clock, I casually walked through security with a big smile on my face. “Hey Paulies, how are you guys doing on this fine day?”

“Good,” Paulie number one said at the same time Paulie number two answered with, “So-so.”

Since I wasn’t in the business of really caring, I shook my head at the “so-so” and gave a thumbs up to the “good.” Then I boarded that elevator and zoomed right up to the fourteenth floor looking as if I hadn’t a care in the world. Other than me knowing I was going to be fired, but whatever, just details.

“You’re late, bro,” Adam said without picking up his head from his computer. “Oliver is looking for you again.”

“Here you go. You’re welcome.”

Being the swell guy that I was, I placed his coffee on his desk so that he wouldn’t even have to get up to grab it. He stopped his typing suddenly and looked up at me. Then stared at the tall to-go cup of hot coffee like it was going to sprout legs and start walking away. Then he stared back at me. Then back at the coffee. Back and forth a couple more times in disbelief until he reached over and grabbed it with a gentleness rivaled only by a first time father holding their newborn baby in their arms.

In awe, Adam asked, “Am I dreaming right now?’

“Nope, that’s for you, courtesy of yours truly.” I semi-bowed. “Figured it was the least I could do before I got the boot by Oliver in a minute.”

“You’re getting fired?”

I nodded.

“Damn, dude, that sucks. It was nice knowing you, though. And thanks for this.” Adam slowly brought the coffee up to his mouth. He hesitated and closed his eyes to take in the smell. After a beat he tasted it. “Nirvana.”

It occurred to me that Daphne wasn’t here yet. Which was strange because since she had started I had been hearing about what a good little worker bee she was through the office gossip mill. How she was getting to the office even before Adam all this week. It only cemented my demise that much more. I peeked my head outside our cube and looked around to be sure. “Hey, have you seen Daphne around?”

“Yeah, man, she’s in with Oliver.”

“Is that right?”

Adam sat back down, engrossing himself in whatever he had been doing before I showed up. “Yep, she’s been in there since I got in this morning.”

“Well, this ought to be interesting.”

Taking my coffee in one hand and Oliver’s in the other, I walked across the sea of cubes. At the halfway point, that asshole Kevin from accounting was waiting to yell out something stupid at me. But I beat him to it. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hashtag dickless, really funny, man. People like you are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore. So thanks for that.”

“Geez, I was just joking around, Max,” he said.

“Did I hurt your feelings?”

“A little bit, yes.”

“Then you might want to get a colonoscopy for all that butthurt because I don’t give a shit.”

I kept right on walking as some of the people in the bullpen were laughing while Kevin was still bitching about me. As if he had a leg to stand on with his argument. The fucking guy had been making fun of me for weeks to anyone who would listen, including me. And now he wanted to play the sympathy card. Hells no, buddy. Not on my watch.

Finally, I got to the end of the line. Oliver’s office door was open and his assistant and the assistant to his assistant gave me the once over. Without saying a word, both of them kept watching me as I got to the threshold and peeked in.

“There you are!” Oliver yelled. “Where have you been? We’ve been waiting for you!”

He actually seemed happy about seeing me, which was weird given what was about to go down. Noticing he had said “we” I looked around the room and saw her.

There she was.

Daphne was decked out to the nines looking as if Oliver had been the one visiting in her office and she was going to give us the business. My eyes started a slow trail from the tip of her swinging high-heeled shoe, past the black leggings and the off-the-shoulder white blouse she had on, to the straight as an arrow long brown hair on her head. Her ruby red lips quirked up into a small knowing smile aware that I was watching her.

I would have tried to sit on the couch one more time for old time’s sake, but Daphne was already stationed over there. And it pissed me off to no end that not only was she looking as if she belonged in here, but that Oliver thought it was a good idea to include her while he fired me. What the fuck was that about?

“Isn’t this cozy?’ I stopped in front of Oliver’s desk and handed him his coffee. “Here, this is for you.”

“Thanks, mate, that’s ace!”

“None for me, I take it,” Daphne said with a laugh.

“Yeah, sorry about that. I forgot about you.”

“You couldn’t ever forget about me, Max.” She said with a hint of mischief to her voice. “Not even on your best day.”

“Well you are kind of a pain in my ass, so, yes, you’re probably right about that. But looks like I forgot about you for all of, hmm, I don’t know, five minutes while I was ordering these this morning.”

“Sure you did,” she said.

“I—.”

“Okay, children, enough,” Oliver said, cutting me off. “We have some actual business to attend to here today.”

“Yeah, about that, boss,” I said and motioned to Daphne with my chin. “Why is she here anyway?”

“Max, don’t be a wanker,” he replied with a snort. “Sit down.”

I lowered my voice so that only Oliver could hear me. “No seriously, boss, why does she have to be here for this.”

Mimicking me, he whispered. “Because she works here.”

“Yes, I know that, but give me my dignity, man. Does she have to be here when I’m getting fired? That’s pretty low don’t you think?”

Oliver choked on the little bit of coffee he had just been trying to taste. And then he started to laugh out loud. “It’s not funny, Oliver. I would really appreciate it if she left and waited outside until you were done.”

“Oh Max, you’re bloody priceless! You’ve got kangaroos loose in the top paddock, mate!”

“I have what in the what?” I asked and turned to look at Daphne who was still cool as a cucumber on the couch. “Do you mind leaving for a minute?”

She looked as if she could not be bothered to move an inch, much less get up and leave the room.

“Max, sit you’re arse down, this is getting ridiculous! You’re not getting fired any more than I’m firing Daphne today!” He motioned to one of the empty seats in front of his desk. “I wanted to talk to both of you about some of the feedback we received from last night’s episode and the two before it.”

The feeling of impending doom suddenly vanished and in its place was a twinge of guilt for not getting Daphne that coffee. But when I glanced over at her as Oliver was typing away at his keyboard and his attention was elsewhere, she was giving me the finger. I smiled at her and took a sip from my cup.

“That’s so good,” I said to her and she shook her head at me.

“Okay you two, the results are in and guess what?” Oliver asked but neither of us answered. “The addition of Daphne has been a hit so far! People have been loving it! They love the two of you together!”

I was a lot relieved and a little surprised because I was wondering if these people had been watching the same thing I had. “Are you sure that’s what they’re saying, boss?”

“Yes, I’m sure. Here, I’ll give you a little taste of some of the feedback from your adoring fans.” Oliver looked back at his monitor. “This person right here by the name of…” he had to stop and chuckle for a second. “FartinFred says that he wants to be a part of a Max and Daphne sandwich.”

“How nice of FartinFred to say that,” Daphne said in such a super serious voice that I had to look over my shoulder to see if she meant it. She was biting her lip to keep from laughing.

“Right, Daphne.” Oliver went back to his monitor. “Here’s a comment from ScubaSteve_69. He says that he thinks there might be a love connection between you two.”

I barked out a laugh. Daphne followed suit. Oliver was the only one not laughing. He did have a secret and slightly devious smile on his face that made me freeze. Because I knew that look. That was the look of someone who had a fucking plan and if that fucking plan was anything like I thought he was fucking planning, I was going to have a fucking heart attack.

“So glad you two find this amusing. Here’s one more for your enjoyment. This one’s from someone by the twitter handle of MorganFreeXman. He or she, because you never know with these things, anyway, they say that you two look like you were ‘MFEO.’”

“What the fuck is MFEO?” I asked

“Made for each other, you idiot,” Daphne chimed in from behind me.

“Exactly, good onya, Daphne.” Oliver clapped his hands together. With that devious smile still in place, he announced, “We’re going to take advantage of this.”

“Advantage of what?” I asked.

Daphne had gotten up and moved to sit in the empty seat next to me. “Yeah, what is it that we’re going to be taking advantage of exactly?”

“This,” Oliver waved his hand between us. The stupid smile of his was growing by the second and not because of fucking puppies either. “You two. You’re going to build on that whole couple vibe thing our viewers have been picking up on.”

“No we’re not.”

That was from Daphne almost as quickly as I said, “Hell no.”

Oliver focused on Daphne. “C’mon. It’s not like he’s a swagman.”

“I don’t even have a clue what that means, but the answer is still no,” she said. Turning to me, she added, “I hope you’re not about to agree to this.”

“Of course I’m not.”

I meant it. But I had been down this road kind of already with Oliver. And I knew that once he had his mind set on something, there wasn’t much you could do or say to convince him otherwise.

“Boss, if I may,” I said. “I’ve watched the episodes and didn’t see any of that crap these people are talking about. Are you sure you’re not being punked or something?”

“I’m sure, Max, but thanks for being so concerned on my behalf.” He took a quick sip of his coffee. “Listen you two, it’s quite simple. You’re going to pretend to really, really be into each other and that’s it.”

“Shouldn’t there be another option or something? I mean, don’t we get to have any say in any of this?” Daphne asked. “Because this is ridiculous!”

“Yeah, what she said,” I offered. Again, because I knew how this was going to end. I lived it a few weeks ago when Oliver basically was going to fire me if I didn’t bring Daphne on board.

“You want an option?” he asked. “Sure, I can give you another option if you like. It’s a beaut too! You ready?”

I rubbed the bridge of my nose, as the sarcasm coming from Oliver was thick and laden with impatience. Sneaking a peak at Daphne through my hand, I could see she was falling for all of it, hook, line, and sinker. I almost felt bad for her. Almost, but not quite.

“Your other option is you’re fired.”

I knew it.

“Okay, we’ll see what we can do, boss.”

I stood up suddenly, and tapped Daphne on her upper arm. She was still ready to keep protesting and complaining to Oliver, which was really a waste of her time. And by the look on her face, whatever else she had on deck to say to him was not going to be good and would most definitely end up with her being fired. Which would mean I would be out of a job, too.

“Thanks, mate.” Oliver was already off to whatever next new shiny thing was on his monitor.

“Don’t say another word,” I whispered to Daphne.

Surprisingly, she bit her lip and let me lead her out of Oliver’s office as I lightly pulled her along behind me by the arm. That’s how I knew she was pissed, because she never let me touch her, period. We walked past Oliver’s assistants, most of the bullpen, past Adam in our cube, and finally through the double doors that led to our lobby and waiting area.

Luckily, there was no one out there. So, I turned to her and saw that her brown eyes were wide as saucers, raging with that same anger I had been feeling a few weeks ago when Oliver had given me the exact type of ultimatum. For a second, that twinge of guilt came calling for me. But that couldn’t be. I wasn’t supposed to feel bad for Daphne. I was just supposed to work with her and that’s it. End of story. And I needed her to get on board with this crazy scheme of Oliver’s or my ass would be out the door quicker than I could say “Hashtag Dickless,” to anyone who would listen.

“We’re going to make this work,” I told her.

“Max, you’re nuts if you think I’m going to pretend to be in a relationship with you while we’re co-hosting this show.”

“We won’t have to go that far. We’ll figure it out, though, I promise.”

“Max, there is no way in hell that—”

“Daphne, I promise, I’ve got it covered. We will figure it out together, okay?”

She eyed me with such wariness, that from anyone else I would have been put off. But I got where she was coming from. I understood she would be placing her trust with someone who, one, she couldn’t stand, which was beside the point. Two, she would be out of a job completely if I screwed this all up. And three, Daphne didn’t strike me as the kind of person to depend on anyone but herself. Giving up that freedom, among other things, was going to be a hurdle she would have to jump and let go of the control she so loved to have of any situation.

“Fine, I’ll trust you on this, Max,” she told me. The worry etched across her face didn’t completely go away. But a tiny smile did make an appearance when she warned, “Please don’t make me regret that decision.”

Daphne didn’t wait for me to respond. She turned around and walked away with what I perceived as an extra-extra confident bounce in her step. I wasn’t complaining either because the view was spectacular. But I had to shake out the cobwebs in my head and concentrate. Because thinking about Daphne’s perfect ass and how it sashayed left to right in time to her steps wasn’t going to help me figure out what the hell I was going to do to make everyone happy, especially Oliver, and ensure we both kept our jobs.