Entry 18: Fortunate Misfortunes      

Date: April 10, 2013

“Where are we going, anyway?” I asked when trees with budding leaves flew past us and unfamiliar buildings lined either side of the road.

Colin sighed, delaying his answer. He kept his hand on the wheel and his eyes on the road, making me wonder if he hadn’t heard me, but the smile that pulled at the corner of his mouth proved otherwise.

“I don’t know, actually,” he said. “I'm just driving around because I need some time to consider a lot of things…and to explore L.A. one last time.”

I snapped my head towards him. “Hold on, why would it be the last time?”

He licked his lips, savoring the taste of his words before letting them out. “My dad finally allowed me to study in Chicago.”

“What? He did?” I asked, dumbfounded. Colin nodded quietly in answer. I leaned back in my seat, feeling suddenly claustrophobic inside his truck.

He was leaving. Even way back in freshman year when I developed a crush for him, I knew that someday Colin would graduate and leave for college, while I would be left, stuck in high school for one more year. But now that it was staring at me right in the face, I wasn’t sure how to take it. Maybe if I hadn’t gotten to know Colin, if I hadn’t spoken to him and spent all these weeks with him, maybe I could’ve accepted it a little easier.

But now, I couldn’t imagine going through each day of my senior year without seeing him running down the halls with his friends and joking around in class and making everyone near him laugh.

I turned to look over at him, biting my lip. “So…are you going?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I’ve been dreaming of this since I realized I wanted to be an architect,” he said, shrugging. And then he grinned. “Will you miss me?”

I opened my mouth, ready to deny it, but he suddenly pulled the car to a stop and leaned towards the dashboard, narrowing his eyes at a certain building. It was large, big enough to occupy a thousand or more people, with tiny fine-line cracks that gave it an abandoned feeling, and was set on a wide-spaced lot with cars surrounding it. The only entrance to it was a pair of double doors.

“What is that?”

I squinted at what he was pointing at—a poster—and took in the picture of four men with shoulder-length hair and noticeable tattoos on their arms. Two carried guitars or basses—I could never tell the difference—and one was acting as if he was screaming at a microphone. I read out the words printed below their faces.

“Fortunate Misfortunes,” I said. “It’s a…band, apparently, and it looks like they’re playing in”—I glanced at the time—“oh, they’re playing right now.”

“Do you know that band?” he asked.

“No,” I shook my head. “Do you?”

With a wicked smile, he said, “Now I do. Come on.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and started to get out of the car.

“Colin! Where are you going?” I asked, taken aback, but he was already outside. He jogged to my side of the car and opened the door. “Come on. Let’s go see if Fortunate Misfortunes is any good.”

I took his offered hand and dropped to the ground. “Wait, you have tickets?”

“Nope,” he said as he removed Lassie’s leash and led her down the truck. He guided her inside the truck and told Lassie to stay still, although with the doors locked and I doubted she’d be going anywhere.

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. “But…how are we even going to get in? Where are we going to sit?”

“You go to a concert because of the music,” Colin said, guiding me forward by the small of my back, “and you don’t have to get in to listen.”

He led me towards the double doors, looking around the place to see if there was anybody watching. When he was sure the coast was clear, we ducked inside.

“What if we get into trouble?” I asked as we walked down a dimly lit hallway. I could hear the thumping sound of a bass and then the magnified voice of—I could only assume—the lead singer. We followed the sound to another pair of double doors, this time with flickering lights escaping underneath.

“If that happens, then we run,” he said, raising a hand to knock on the door. It took a couple of tries before it finally swung inward.

A balding man in a black T-shirt answered the door, giving us a belittling look even before we spoke of our intentions. Over his shoulder, I could just see a great crowd gathered in front of a stage that was so brightly lit by colored lights that I couldn’t even see the band playing. I could hear them though, and they seemed pretty good.

“Tickets are sold out,” the man informed us, raising his voice over the noise.

“This is the Fortunate Misfortunes concert, right?” Colin asked, shouting right at the man’s ear.

“Yeah, but like I said, the tickets are sold out.”

“That’s fine,” Colin said, smiling, “thanks man.”

The bouncer looked confused, obviously not used to this kind of reaction whenever he told anyone that tickets were sold out, but he didn’t complain. He grunted and slammed the door close.

“So, what now?” I asked.

Colin dusted off a spot near the doors with his hand and sat down. “Now we sit. You can hear it better from here.” He shrugged his jacket off, laid it on the floor beside him, and then looked up expectantly at me.

I hesitated for a moment and then sighed, sitting down on his jacket. “Thanks,” I mumbled. When I leaned back against the wall, though, I was pleasantly surprised to find Colin’s arm there, ready to wrap around me. He pulled me close so that my head was on his shoulder, fitting perfectly like a missing puzzle piece to the crook of his neck, and I took a minute to calm my heartbeat down.

But putting that aside, he was right: the previously muffled sounds were now clearer, and I could actually catch the lyrics to the song currently playing.

“They’re good,” I commented after listening for a while.

“Yeah, they are,” he agreed, nodding. “Watching me…with those eyes of yours…” he sang along, glancing at me for dramatic effect. I laughed, shaking my head at him.

“Close your eyes,” he whispered to me. “You can hear it better when you’re not distracted by your other senses.”

“Really?” I asked, doing as he said. My closed eyelids soon swallowed up what little light the hallway had. It was true that I could focus on the song better now, but it didn’t really make much of a difference. “It’s just the same, really,” I said, blinking my eyes open and turning to Colin. I’d expected him to have his eyes closed too, but he was already staring at me and smiling, his face so close it would only take a few inches for me to kiss him.

“Well, it was worth a try, right?” he said softly, his nose rubbing against mine, eyes settled on my lips.

I quickly looked away, a blush creeping up my cheeks. “Y-Yeah, I guess.”

We didn’t talk for the rest of the time as we listened to Fortunate Misfortune’s other songs. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what type of songs they sang. Their songs talked about different things—one was about a mother who sacrificed everything for her son, and another was about a goldfish.

When a slow love song came up though, Colin nudged my head with his cheek. “Hey, let’s dance.”

“What?” I asked, shocked. “You mean—right here?”

“Yeah,” he said, easing his arm out from behind me and pushing himself off the floor, “why not?” He grabbed my hands, pulling me up to my feet. “Come on.”

“But my dancing’s rusty,” I whined.

He laughed. “It’s okay. I have two left feet. We’re perfect for each other,” he said and then looked down at our hands like you would look at a math problem. “Okay so, first off, what am I—I mean, where do I—?”

“L-Like this,” I said, taking one of his hands and, a little shyly, guiding it to my waist. He smiled at my embarrassment as I placed my hand on his shoulder. “And I hold on to you here.”

“Got it,” he said, winking. “And what about my other hand? Does it go like this?” He wound his arms around my waist and jerked me towards him. I gasped, surprised to find myself suddenly so near him. His forehead came flush with mine and he chuckled, his breath like the soft wing of an angel brushing against my skin.

“No, it does not,” I said, laughing as I pushed him away.

“Okay, sorry, I couldn’t help myself,” he said, grinning mischievously. “It’s like this, right?” He slipped his hand over mine and laced our fingers together.

“Yeah, exactly,” I said. “Now you just…go with the music.” I stepped to the right, tugging at him to follow me. He did it mechanically, sometimes stepping on the toe of my sneakers and cursing under his breath and apologizing, but he wasn’t all that bad.

“That’s it. You’re doing it,” I said encouragingly, watching him fumble his way through the simple, repetitive dance steps.

“You’ve learned how to dance before,” he stated. It wasn’t a question, but I nodded. “I took dancing lessons once because of a friend’s birthday party,” I said.

Colin smirked. “Dang, so I’m not your first dance?”

“Well, I could always reconsider.”

He grinned at that. “So, why do you think the band’s called Fortunate Misfortunes? Isn’t it just contradicting itself?” he asked as he twirled me around and caught me again, pulling me close.

I chewed on my lip, carefully thinking it over. “It’s a paradox,” I finally said. “We make mistakes, things happen and they don’t necessarily go our way, but maybe the reason we didn’t get the gold was because we were supposed to get the platinum. So to say, it’s actually good—fortunate—that we didn’t get what we want, because if we did, we wouldn’t have gotten something better. You know, like a blessing in disguise.”

Colin nodded slowly, taking in my words. “Do you have any fortunate misfortunes?” he asked.

I pondered over it. I’d had a lot of shortcomings and misfortunes happen in my life—one of them being the black notebook and how I’d lost it. But if it weren’t for that misfortune I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to really know Colin like this. If all of this hadn’t happened, I’d probably still be at home, studying for tests and reading books, watching reality shows with my mom and waiting for my dad to come home while other people’s secrets and problems dominated my world.

“Do you?” I asked.

“Hey, I asked first,” he countered.

“Well…” I hesitated before smiling up at him. "I'll answer after you do."

He gave me a look, and finally gave in. "Fine," he said. "I do have fortunate misfortunes. There was this…one time I got into trouble because I broke a school window by accidentally throwing a ball."

"That was you?" I asked incredulously. I’d heard about it but I never asked about the details. I was too busy trying to get the black notebook back.

"Yeah," he said, laughing softly to himself. "And I was sent to the principal's office, and on my way there, I met…a girl. She was looking for a notebook she lost.”

"Oh." His words would’ve made me happy, but the mention of my notebook brought back all the negative thoughts and conflicted feelings I’d been having. Colin was watching me and I couldn't let it show, so I looked away.

"Okay, now you," he said. "Do you have any fortunate misfortunes?"

I looked up and forced a smile. "Yes."

He looked at me, waiting for me to expound, but I just looked right back at him. "What?" I asked. "I don't have to tell you exactly what fortunate misfortune I've had."

He burst out laughing and said, "Dang. You got me there. Fine, you sly, sly cat."

I laughed, shaking my head at him.

The music faded away, and although only silence filled the empty hallway, we continued swaying to our own beat. I fluttered my eyes close. Peace dwelled in my heart. Maybe it wouldn’t be there forever, but it was for just that infinitely small moment.

Despite knowing I was dancing with the very reason for all the heartbreaks I’ve had and was surely going to get, I was at peace. Why couldn’t moments like this last? Moments when we aren’t arguing, when we aren’t chasing each other like a hound after a fox—moments when a boy and a girl are simply caught in the suspension of time, stuck in a bubble that no one but they can enter.

Unfortunately, this certain bubble Colin and I were in quickly vanished into air when the doors to the concert flew open and people rushed out like blood flowing out of a wound. We barely managed to get out of the way in time, ending up pressed against the wall, practically disappearing into the cement.

A chattering group of teenage girls passed by us and sent furtive glances at Colin who was oblivious to the whole thing. They giggled among themselves and I frowned, just before realizing that our hands were right beside each other; his little finger, cold and pale in the shadows, brushing mine.

I slipped my fingers through his, surprising him and myself, but the desired impact was there: the girls looked at our joined hands and slowly drifted away, speaking in low voices and looking back over their shoulders at us.

“What’s wrong?” Colin asked, raising a curious eyebrow.

“Nothing,” I said, but based on his smirk I obviously hadn’t improved in the art of lying.

“Come on,” he said, squeezing my hand, “we have to walk Lassie first before we go back home.”

“Okay,” I said, nodding quietly. He tugged at my hand, leading me through the crowd like a boat pushing through harsh waters. We left the building and went over to his truck where Lassie was scratching the window and panting on it. Colin approached the car door, and the moment he unlocked it, Lassie jumped out and started barking at us.

“Whoa, girl, calm down,” Colin said, taking a firm grip on her leash.

Lassie stopped struggling, and it was only then that Colin looked at me and smiled. “So, what did you think?”

“Of what?”

“Of the concert,” he said, checking if the locks to the car were secured.

“It was great,” I said, “for a concert I didn’t attend and that I only listened to from the outside.”

Colin laughed, gently pushing Lassie forward with his foot. There was a park right across with large trees and families spread out on blankets, bringing out sandwiches in baskets, and artists carrying their sketchpads and cameras, ready to capture anything extraordinary. “Yeah, this was kind of impromptu,” he said as we headed towards it.

I turned to him with a raised eyebrow. “Kind of?”

“Hey,” he said defensively. “I was feeling spontaneous. Besides—”

I didn’t get to hear the rest of what he was going to say because a squirrel picked that exact moment to run in front of us and Lassie immediately dashed forward to chase after it.

Colin yanked at her leash, but he had been taken by surprise and soon enough he lost his hold and she was on the loose.

Colin hurried forward in the hopes of catching her before she could get too far, but she had already started towards the park and disappeared between the bushes. He sprang to a sprint, yelling, “Lassie! Lassie, come back!”

“Colin, wait!” I said, scrambling after him. For a while, I was able to keep up with him, and being able to run side by side with someone who was commendably good at any physical activity gave me a little push to run even further. After how many twists and turns and hops over fallen branches, however, my body was beginning to remind me I wasn’t an athlete.

“If I don’t find her, my family’s going to kill me!” Colin declared, going faster. “Come on, she couldn’t have gotten far!”

“Yeah…you…you’re right…” I panted, trying not to give in to the ache in my legs.

When he finally stopped, probably realizing that Lassie did get far enough, I felt like I could use a new lung. I bent over, hands clasped firmly on my knees, heaving.

“You okay?” he asked, running a hand through his hair. Of course, he was barely sweating.

I didn’t bother answering. I raised a hand, giving him a thumbs-up. No need to waste such precious breath talking.

“Well, good news is that this is probably just a small park,” Colin went on, “and her collar has her name on it anyway, and my address, so in case someone else finds her, they’ll know she has an owner. Still, I think we should split up and call each other if either of us finds her.”

I straightened up and coughed. “Sounds…sounds good.”

“Okay, I’ll go this way,” he said, pointing to the right, “and you can go that way,” he continued, pointing at the opposite direction.

“Alright,” I said, nodding. He asked one last time if I was okay and then he was off, jogging towards his self-appointed direction. I turned towards mine and cleared my throat before calling out, “Lassie! Come out, girl! Lassie!”

I tiptoed over a bunch of gnarled roots and picked up my pace. I spent at least five minutes going around aimlessly, shouting Lassie’s name, until I bumped into a group of friends sitting under the shade of a tree. I asked if they’d seen a golden retriever passing by, trailing a squirrel, and they said they had. They narrated the way Lassie had gone and with a quick thank you I was running again.

“Lassie!” I called out once again. And then I heard a bark.

I spun around, trying to see where it came from, and spotted a splash of gold fur among the browns and greens of the park.

Lassie was sitting on her hind legs in front of a tree, her head raised high as she stared at the squirrel, which was hiding safely up on a branch. Another squirrel appeared beside the first one and Lassie moved forward, scratching the bark of the tree like she wanted to join them up there.

“Oh, Lassie,” I said, sinking down to the ground beside her. “Don’t ever do that again.” I reached out to ruffle her fur and she turned to me, tongue lolling. She barked at me in recognition and then started licking my cheek.

“Okay, okay, stop!” I giggled, trying to push her bulk off me. “I missed you too! Now I have to call Colin!” I took hold of her leash, like I saw Colin do, and fished my phone out of my pocket. I dialed his number and pressed it to my ear.

“Seven!” Colin answered at the first ring. “What happened? Did you find her?”

“Yeah, I did,” I said, and he sighed in relief on the other side of the line. “Okay. Okay, where are you?” he asked.

“Um, it all looks the same from here. Wait,” I told him and looked around. “I think I can see…a family cookout in the distance. Yeah, they’re grilling burgers, I think. They’re using a moss green tent.”

“Got it. I think I saw that a while ago,” he said. “Don’t move. I’ll be right there.” And then the line went dead.

I pocketed my phone and glanced at Lassie, who watched me expectantly with her big brown eyes. I extended my hand to scratch her just below the jaw and as she closed her eyes briefly, I sighed. The spring breeze was cool, blowing my hair back gently, and everything around me was silent. I always found solitary peace within the four walls of my bedroom, with a book in my hand and soft music playing in the background, but I never thought I could find it in a wide-open park with leaves falling and a dog in front of me.

“You know,” I said, “you and your owner are so alike.” Lassie didn’t mind me; she was too busy enjoying my scratch. “I’m always chasing after him. I’ve been doing it for quite a while now…and it’s getting really tiring, especially when at times he seems so impossible to handle.” I didn't know what was up with me, but the words kept spilling out. “I know I should give up and I already promised myself I would…but I still haven’t. At least not in my heart.”

A twig snapped. I froze, eyes wide and heart racing, and slowly pivoted in my place to look around, but no one was there. I was all alone.

After one last suspicious glance at my surroundings, I relaxed and resumed my scratching on Lassie, who whined when I had stopped. “You must have it easy, Lass,” I continued. “It must be easy to just be a dog. You don’t have to love anyone besides your owner. It’s hard, you see, being in love with someone who doesn’t love you.” I paused and laughed softly to myself. “What’s happening to me? I’m talking to a dog about love. I’m just…so stupid.”

Once again, silence took over. It filled the air, leaving me to my thoughts, until someone coughed, disturbing its reign. I gasped, jumping guiltily, and whirled around, spinning so fast that I fell on my butt.

Colin was leaning against a tree with his hands stuffed in his pockets, and I was pretty sure he was within earshot. He watched me with steady, calculating green eyes.

I felt like climbing up a tree and hiding from him, like the squirrel.

He heard me. He must’ve heard me, my mind screamed in panic. Gosh, how long has he been standing there?

“C-Colin,” I stuttered. “I didn’t see you there. Why didn’t you make a sound?”

He pushed himself off the tree and walked towards me in slow, careful steps. “I did,” he said. “I coughed. Didn’t you hear me?”

“Oh,” I said quietly. “So…you just got here?” I tentatively got up to my knees, never tearing my eyes away from him. “Did you, um, hear anything?”

He didn’t answer immediately, which simply extended my agony. He reached down and grabbed Lassie’s collar. She barked at him and he ran his hand fondly over her fur. Finally, he looked over at me with a cocked eyebrow and a lopsided grin. “What, you mean your little chat with Lassie? Yes, I heard you, but I didn’t catch the words in time.”

It took a Herculean effort not to sigh in relief right there in front of him, but I did breathe a little easier.

“Why?” he asked curiously, narrowing his eyes at me. “Did you say something important?” His eyes lit up with interest.

“No, I didn’t,” I quickly denied, standing up and busying myself with brushing off dirt from my jeans so I’d have a reason not to look at him, “and even if I did, I obviously wouldn’t tell you.”

Colin stared at me for a second longer and then he turned away, tugging Lassie after him. I blinked in surprise. I’d expected a condescending laugh, a chuckle or even a smile—but he simply looked away.

I didn’t think about it too much though. As long as the spotlight wasn’t on me, I was happy.

We decided to take Lassie once around the park and then call it a day. We walked quietly—the only sounds around us were Lassie’s chain clinking, the birds chirping, and the soft crunch underneath our shoes. A little while later, I could already see Colin’s truck up ahead in the distance.

I strode straight towards it, going a little ahead of Colin and Lassie, but a hand captured my wrist and stopped me. I looked back and saw that Colin had stopped, and he was holding onto my arm like a lifeline.

“What is it?” I asked.

He swallowed, hesitating, before saying, “Seven, I have to tell you something.”

“Okay,” I said slowly, looking at him cautiously. “What’s up?”

“I…” He paused, a crease forming between his eyebrows as he thought meticulously about what he was going to say. “I think I…”

My heart pounded as I thought of the possibilities of what his next words could be. I love you. I never want to see you again. I’m gay.

“I had a great time today,” he suddenly blurted out in one breath.

“Oh,” I couldn’t help saying in disappointment. I tried a smile and said, “Yeah, me too.”

“Good,” he said, nodding. His eyes drifted down to his sneakers and he cleared his throat. “I, uh, better get you home now.”

“Yeah,” I said, still not moving an inch.

“Okay,” he said, taking the first step towards his truck. I followed suit behind him, my fingers fiddling with the cuffs of my sweater. We let Lassie sit with us in the front, Colin opened the door for me again, and then we were on the road back home.