Entry 16: Plan K: Seduction

Date: April 8, 2013

I stared, gaping, at the gruesome scene before me. Bones and guts were scattered everywhere and the blood had stained the gray stone beneath their feet. I couldn’t believe it.

I fisted my hands and threw the controller angrily at the couch. “No fair! My controllers are two seconds delayed! I could’ve beaten your Sub-Zero hands-down!”

Beside me, Patrick exploded into fits of laughter and when his glasses slid down the bridge of his nose, he pushed them back up. As he moved, the lens reflected the TV screen and the bold red letters on it that read: FATALITY.

My Kitana had died—for the fourth time, unfortunately.

He leaned back on the couch and tossed the controller lightly to the side. He shrugged, still a little breathless from laughing. “It’s okay, pup. You don’t have to be a sore loser.”

I gave his shoulder a playful shove, although it was admittedly a little hard, and he laughed again.

It was already the last day of my spring break, and I’d originally planned on just reading a book—as always—but when Patrick decided to take a break from The Book Station and visit me and my mom, plans quickly changed and we ended up talking in the living room and setting up the old video games I used to play with my cousins when we were little, for the better half of the afternoon.

But he didn’t come only to say hello and catch up.

“I have great news,” he’d told my mom the moment she opened the front door and welcomed him in. His blue eyes had twinkled with eagerness and joy. “I finally made contact with my parents.”

After all these years, despite the fact that Patrick had managed to survive through college and rise up to this meager, yet content life he was living, his parents still gave him the cold shoulder. Not that Patrick had tried to change anything about that, but now it seemed like he had.

“I was able to grab hold of their latest number and gave them a call. Mom missed me, and Dad was gruff, but I thought I heard his voice crack.” He grinned as my mom clapped excitedly. “That is good news! So many years have passed…are you guys going to meet up?”

“Yeah, I told them that they can come see The Book Station this Thursday since I know they’re still pretty busy, old as they already are,” he said and shared a laugh with my mom. His face had softened then with a wistful smile. “I can’t believe it’s been so long…”

I personally couldn’t believe it either, but not in the same way as Patrick.

I didn’t know what it was about what Patrick was saying, but I just couldn’t believe that his parents would actually come and meet up with him. From what my mom told me, they were really disappointed in him, to the point that they practically disowned him and stopped funding his studies. All these years had passed, as they’d both said, and yet his parents only made their appearance in his life now, when their only son was already in his late thirties.

Somehow a part of me wasn’t so sure they’d fulfill their promise of coming.

I didn’t voice my thoughts though and just congratulated Patrick. And now, as the sound of the pan popping with oil and the smell of cooked meat drifted from the kitchen and into the room, I asked Patrick if he wanted another round of Mortal Kombat.

He shook his head ruefully. “Sorry, Seven,” he said. “It’s almost dinnertime and I need to get back. I can’t be on break forever. Maybe next time.” He turned and called out towards the kitchen, “Julie, I’m leaving now!”

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay for dinner?” she shouted back without pulling her attention away from her work.

“I’m sure! Thanks, though!” With a smile and a wave, he said to me, “Bye, pup. I’ll just see myself out.”

I nodded silently and waved goodbye. I watched him walk away and duck out, closing the door behind him.

When he was gone, I got up on my feet and collected the games scattered over the carpeted floor, arranging them back into the neat piles they were previously in. Once I was done, I made my way up the stairs and to my room.

The second I stepped in and saw my bed, I remembered Colin. My heart raced even at just the thought of him, and I felt restless, impatient to get the day done and see him tomorrow at school.

I sighed and staggered inside, pushing aside the box of books I’d read through the morning, almost toppling over the pile beside my bed. As I took the ones I’d already finished and placed them on my shelf, my phone suddenly buzzed and I pulled it out to see who it was.

Colin. There goes my heart again.

I stretched myself over the bed and quickly opened the message, eager to read the words there. Hey :) today’s our last day for break, huh?

So casual, so simple, and yet it meant the world to me. I replied: Hi! Yeah :( I want it to last a little longer.

Why? Did ya plan any adventures? ;)

No I just don’t want to go to school. Besides, I don’t know where to have an adventure.

After clicking SEND, I waited for his reply. When he didn’t reply immediately, I told myself that maybe he was just busy. I only started getting worried when my phone didn’t beep again for a couple of minutes.

I was absently drumming my fingers against my leg and wondering if he’d ever respond or if this was some subtle way of rejecting someone, when his message finally came. Open your video call.

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and texted, Why?

I turned it on anyway, and almost that exact same moment, Colin sent me a video call. I answered it and the screen turned black with a white loading sign. Pixels began appearing, arranging themselves until I could see an only slightly blurry image of Colin.

His hair looked wet, darker than usual, and he was wearing an ordinary green T-shirt that brought out the color of his eyes. He peered at the screen, looking confused, and then he grinned. “There we go.”

I couldn’t hold back the smile. “What’s the video call for?”

“Nothing,” he said, shrugging. From the background, I could see that he was leaning against the headboard of his bed. “Just wanted to try it out.” He squinted at me and then sighed—almost longingly. “Man, I want to kiss you right now.”

My cheeks went all warm and pink as I said, “Gee, that wasn’t awkward at all.” He probably doesn’t mean it, I reminded myself when he grinned. “So did you just take a shower?” I asked.

“Why? Do I look that good?” He wagged his eyebrows at me.

I rolled my eyes. “It’s your hair. It kind of hangs over your forehead rather than sticking up.”

“Okay, yeah I did,” he said, laughing and making his video shake a little, “Anyway, back to what we were talking about: you say that you don’t know where to have an adventure?”

“That is correct.”

“Well, isn’t that the point?” he asked. “You go out to explore because you don’t know where you’re going. You’re just letting the car drive, your gut lead, and the winds carry you away.”

“How poetic,” I said teasingly, “I didn’t know you had it in you.”

He laughed again, running a hand through his hair. How could he make it look so sexy? “Hey, I can be poetic if I try.”

I shook my head at him, smirking, and shifted around on my bed so that I was lying on my stomach. “But if you don’t know where you’re going, won’t you get lost? What if you don’t find your way back?”

He smiled. “Not all those who wander are lost.”

I blinked in surprise. “Isn’t that from Lord of the Rings?”

He grinned and nodded. “Yeah, I just finished watching the trilogy. Fell asleep for a while in the first movie, though.”

“Oh,” I said and then paused. “I think I know what kind of adventure I want now.”

“What’s that?”

“I want to have an adventure like in Lord of the Rings or Percy Jackson or even Hunger Games.”

“I’m not that sure about the Hunger Games bit,” he said and that one dimple on his left cheek popped up again. He clapped and rubbed his hands together, a look of mischief dancing in his eyes. “Well then, we should definitely one. An adventure, I mean.”

“Yeah, why not?” I said, shrugging. I didn’t know if Colin really meant it, but I didn’t want to keep my hopes up just in case. “So how are things with your dad?”

The smile on his face faded away. “I, uh…haven’t exactly talked to him yet.”

“Colin.”

“What?” he asked defensively. “It’s not that easy letting go of something you’re used to for the past decade.”

“But you will forgive him, right?”

He raised an eyebrow at me and asked, “What does it matter anyway if I forgive him or not?”

My mind brought me back to one of the secrets this one guy, Will, told me, about how he hated his dad because he never stopped to understand and was always too strict on his grades. They got into a fight one day and didn’t talk for the next few. When his father got into a car crash and died, he regretted the fact that he didn’t ever get to make up with his dad. His dad probably thought his son hated him until the minute he died. The guilt ate Will up to the point that he nearly succeeded in committing suicide; his mom had found him unconscious on the bathroom floor with a bunch of sleeping pills and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I definitely didn’t want Colin to go through something like that.

I wasn’t sure, though, if it was best to tell Colin about it, especially since Will probably didn’t want anyone else to know.

But I looked up, and I could picture myself reaching into the screen and into the room until I was right there beside him, and then I thought, I love him. Besides, he didn’t spread the secrets he already knows by now. I can trust him.

So I went on to tell Colin about Will and his dad and his guilt. He listened quietly, a sober expression painted on his face. When I was done, he tore his gaze away from me and rolled his tongue over his teeth, pondering over what I’d just said. He exhaled, long and deep, and looked back at the screen, at me. “I guess…I guess I can try tonight.”

I smiled at him. “I know you can do it. You’re a good guy, Colin.”

I couldn’t figure out why, but he looked really, really sad when I said that. “Sorry, Seven,” he sighed, “but I have to go. See you tomorrow?”

I blinked in surprise. Did I do something wrong? I wondered, but didn’t dare let my thoughts turn into words. “O-Okay. See you. Bye.”

“Bye,” he said, smiling weakly, before he ended the call and the screen went black again.

***

Date: April 9, 2013

The next day, as I stood just outside of my closet, debating on whether I would go with the new blouse I’d bought or my favorite yellow Marvel comics T-shirt, I was filled with a sudden sense of dread.

I finally had school that day and whenever I thought of school, I would inevitably think of having to get ready to face more secrets and the prospect of keeping them.

Surprisingly, no one had texted or called me over the break. I got a few messages about parties and had politely declined, but there weren’t as many people begging for my help or anything like that. Usually my inbox would’ve been flooded.

Of course, I was completely fine with it, but I couldn’t pretend as if everything was okay and just let it all pass until no one came to me for secrets at all. There were still secrets in the black notebook that were just as important and confidential as my own secrets. I owed it to the people who needed my help.

Unfortunately, no matter what I did, Colin would just shoot down every single thing I threw at him.

I thought back to last night’s video call and a string of questions, already familiar to my mind, came to life like a newly lit firecracker. Did he see something in my expression that made him look so sad? Was it because I was forcing him to forgive his dad? Would he still keep up this boyfriend-girlfriend facade with me?

Despite it being fiction, it was the closest thing I had to an actual intimate relationship with Colin, but I didn’t think he would find any need to pretend anymore. Our families wouldn’t be at school to see that there was nothing between us, so there was no other reason why he had to.

I chewed my lip, remembering how he’d sighed and said, Man, I want to kiss you right now.

I knitted my eyebrows and shook my head. It was important that I remember as well that the only reason he kissed me the day I told his parents I was his girlfriend was because he needed to get the black notebook back from me.

I frowned. The pain that blossomed in my stomach felt like somebody had just stabbed me in the gut and was twisting the knife to make a point—a point that clearly said, If you fall any harder for Colin, it’ll surely hurt like this. Only ten times worse.

But he wanted to kiss me…

I switched my attention to my clothes arranged in metal hangers and folded in drawers. As I looked through my possible choices for the day, slowly, gradually, I grasped the beginnings of a plan.

Colin almost always used his charms to take my focus away from the notebook. He knew what would distract me, what would weaken me, and he’d used it against me—kissing me, saying sweet things and then taking them back so that I was left in a whirlpool of mixed feelings.

Well, now it was my turn.

Back when I was a sophomore, there was a senior in my class named Bridgette who told me that it was easy to get at a guy’s weakness.

“It completely depends on the guy—some are actually down-to-earth and gentlemanly—but most of them are very simple-minded. A little cleavage here, a little flirting there, and a whole lot of exhausting kissing and voila,” she’d said with a flourish and a sly smile, “he’s hooked.”

I frantically searched through my clothes, picking out one after the other and then haphazardly throwing them back in. The closest thing I had to a shirt that actually revealed any cleavage—however small—was the large Clippers jersey that hung on my frame. My dad had given it to me when we went to one of their games together with Nate, but I didn’t think a jersey would have that much sex appeal, so I shoved it back in the closet and settled for a black fitted halter that I usually only used under my shirts.

I picked out a pleated skirt that only reached half of my thighs and matched it with a pair of ankle boots. I grabbed a jacket and swiftly slipped it on before going downstairs.

My dad wasn’t as conservative as most fathers but I had a feeling he’d be pretty shocked if he saw that I’d replaced my customary sneakers and simple tees for high heels and halters.

It took me a while climbing down the stairs in my heels, but I managed. Once I was downstairs though my dad was nowhere to be found. I eyed the empty place where his plate should’ve been. He probably already left for work.

I approached the dining table just as my mom was sitting down. Our original table was back in its place, but I could remember the other night and Colin and everything that had happened so clearly that it was almost like the black foldable table was still there.

She looked up when she heard my shoes against the floor and raised her eyebrows with a smile. “Wow. You look really pretty today, Seven. You usually don’t wear skirts to school.”

I shouldered my backpack and shrugged. “I just thought it wouldn’t hurt to try something different.”

“Yeah, well, it’s nice,” she said, raising her glass of orange juice.

I grinned at her. “Of course you’d say that, you’re my mom.”

“Hey,” she said defensively, “I wouldn’t tell you that if it wasn’t true.”

“I know, I know,” I said, laughing. I spotted my plate but I didn’t feel like sitting down and chatting over breakfast. I was so pumped with alacrity to execute my plan I feared that if I stayed still for even one second, I would lose it all in one breath. Besides, I could get to school early and figure out how to even remotely look seductive while I waited for Colin to come.

With that thought, I scooped the scrambled eggs and laid them out on the toasted bread. I covered it with some ham and then another piece of toast, creating some sort of sandwich. I chomped on it. Not bad.

“Okay, Mom, I’ve got to go,” I said with a mouthful of eggs, ham, and toast. “See you later!”

Her eyebrow shot up in disbelief. “A little early, don’t you think?”

“Uh,” I said, stalling, “I have to get something…done before classes start. I’m fine with cramming at the last hour but definitely not at the last minute.”

“You should’ve done it last night or sometime during the break,” she scolded me, but ended up only shaking her head and chuckling. “Alright, you take care, baby. Say hi to Colin for me.”

I promised her I would and munched on my makeshift sandwich as I tried not to make it look so obvious that I was greatly affected by that two syllable name. I strode out of the door and to the people and sidewalks and buildings that awaited me outside.

Winter was finally losing its edge and springtime was evident in the blooming flowers in my neighbors’ gardens and the budding leaves in the trees. The streets were busier than usual and I pulled my jacket sleeve over my nose as I passed through the smoke of an old beat-up car. The Book Station was on the way, and when I peeked inside I could see Patrick and Francesca starting up the shop.

Eventually the familiar bland color of the school walls turned up around the corner and, once I was safely inside the steel gates, I peeled off my jacket and let the cool wind whip my skin.

There weren’t many people around yet, but there were still some faces that greeted me and waved me over. Seeing as Colin wasn’t anywhere to be found, I talked with other people for a bit, catching up and getting the load of secrets and problems that I thought I’d avoided since spring break started.

There was a noticeable decrease in their number though, that I had to admit. Out of the many that approached to say hello, only five had hidden agendas.

As I mingled around, hopping from one group to another, I realized something odd. People—to be more precise, the boys—were gawking at me. Most of them were huddled in a group, caught up in a conversation or just standing under the shade of a tree, reviewing for their tests one more time, but there was an undeniable hush that came over them when I passed.

My skin crawled from the intensity of their lingering stares. I was used to attention but this was completely foreign.

I shoved my jacket inside my locker, thinking I wouldn’t need it later, and slammed the door shut. I spun around, ready to walk to my first class and just wait for my opportunity to see Colin, when a boy with olive skin and a crew cut sauntered over and flashed a blindingly white smile at me. “Looking good, Seven,” he said, shamelessly looking me up from head to toe.

I looked at him weirdly. “Um, thanks, Steph. So how are you and your girlfriend?” Steph used to come to me, complaining about his girlfriend who was you could say very, very close to the other members of his football team. Steph was actually an okay friend and he’d never looked at me like this before.

“Oh, you know, with one guy and another, as always,” he said nonchalantly, as if it didn’t matter to him anymore. “So since when did you start looking so hot?”

I blushed and shook my head. “Nah, I’m hardly ‘hot’.”

He chuckled. “Oh, come on. Sure you are.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“You know I’m not,” he insisted, winking. I gave him a sheepish smile, raising a hand to rub the back of my neck. Well, that was awkward.

“So,” he went on, “what’s your first class?”

“Oh, um, I’m just about to head…to bio…” I trailed away as something behind Steph’s head caught my attention. An ocean of students filled the halls, churning and crashing against each other. And among the tens of blue jeans and backpacks, I found Colin, wearing a dark blue sweatshirt, his hood up. He was talking to a friend as he walked, clenching and unclenching his hands around the straps of his backpack.

As he turned his head, his gaze drifted to my direction, meeting mine, and then locking it in place. His eyes unmistakably lit up and the corners of his mouth quirked up in a smile—

“Oh, good,” Steph piped up, “I have math, which is right beside bio. I can walk you there.”

“No, it’s okay,” I said, breaking my eye contact with Colin to shake my head.

“I insist,” he said, reaching out to pluck my books from my arms. “Here, I’ll even take your stuff for you—”

Before Steph could even touch one book, another hand intercepted him and took them away.

I looked up sharply and my heart melted just a little when I saw Colin bearing down on Steph. His hood was off, and despite the serious expression on his face, the way the back of his hair was sticking up made him look adorable. “Hey, man, it’s alright. I can handle this,” he said and, without waiting for a response, turned his back to Steph.

He smiled at me. “Hey, babe,” he said, quite loudly.

He’s still pretending I’m his girlfriend, I noted with a small happy flutter of my heart. “H-Hi,” I sputtered out, grinning.

I didn’t get to see Steph’s reaction, but when I spared him a look, he was already walking away.

When I looked back up at Colin, his eyes had widened with pleasant surprise as he glanced down at my outfit.

A little cleavage, I remembered Bridgette saying. I took a deep breath and straightened my back, trying to make my chest seem bigger. I watched Colin carefully, but all he did was blink and clear his throat. “So, uh, was he…was he bothering you?”

I waved a dismissive hand. “No, he was just…being really friendly.”

“Friendly?” he scoffed. “Right. More like flirty. He probably got caught in your trap.”

“What trap?” I asked, swatting him on the arm.

He gestured at my clothes. “I mean, you do look different. What’s with the get-up?”

“Nothing,” I said, “I just felt like trying out something new.”

He grinned. “Is it for me?”

I swear this boy could see right through me. But I had to keep up the charade. I pushed my hair back behind my shoulders and looked up at him from under my lashes. I closed the distance between us and asked, “Why? Do you like it?”

Colin swallowed, staring at me. From that point, I could see his pupils dilating. “I, um…” he started and then laughed nervously, arranging my books on his arm so that they were easier for him to carry. “Well, it looks great on you, just…” He hesitated before handing me my books back and slipping his backpack off. He unzipped the sweatshirt he was wearing and draped it over my shoulders. It was still warm from his body heat and when I took a clandestine sniff, I inhaled his scent—a mixture of cologne and laundry detergent and that irresistible boy smell.

“I think it’ll be better if you put on a jacket or something,” he said, putting his bag back on. Under the sweatshirt, he wore a gray V-neck. “Wouldn’t want you to catch a cold or, you know, catch some boys.”

He cares. And maybe he’s even a little jealous. The thought was so humbling, so overwhelming, that for a moment I could only smile. I giggled behind my hand and said, “Don’t worry, I think you scared off pretty much any guy who’d want to come near me.”

He laughed, shaking his head. “Still, you wouldn’t like half of the things they’ll be thinking of, even from faraway. So just keep it on, okay?” he asked and I nodded. “Well, I have to bounce. History’s my first class and you know how Mrs. Keys is.”

“Oh, yeah sure,” I said, nodding and gesturing for him to go. He started to turn away and my eyes traveled down to the back pocket of his jeans where my black notebook was peeking out. I panicked, and before I could even settle on a decision, I hastily called after him, “Colin!”

He looked back at me, raising his eyebrows questioningly.

“Can you—can you meet me under the bleachers later during lunch?” I swallowed nervously, feeling my cheeks go warm.

He seemed pretty surprised, but if he thought my behavior was odd, he didn’t comment about it. “Okay,” he shrugged.

“Okay.” I bit my lip. “So I’ll see you later?”

“See you,” he promised, smiling, and then left for his class. Once he was a couple of feet away, I leaned back against the cold metal lockers and sighed. I clutched Colin’s jacket close to me. I took a big gulp of air and pushed myself off the lockers, shaking my head and heading to my own class.

***

I kicked at the ground with the heel of my boot, stabbing at the mud and grass as I waited for Colin.

The sun was suspended high in the sky, glaring down on the open field like a bully that wouldn’t let you go that easily, but the bleachers were able to provide some shade for me despite the slivers of light that passed between them. I paced back and forth, and even with Colin’s jacket on, I could feel the warmth of the sun on my shoulders.

To say that I was nervous was an understatement. I was nerve-wracked. Colin could come any minute now and I had to do this right or I was going to lose my chance forever. I was a little mouse preparing to grab for the cheese, knowing that if I didn’t do it as fast as I could I’d get caught in the trap. Again.

I still wasn’t sure if I should really do this particular plan, since I didn’t want to kiss him or even make out for this kind of reason. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I wanted every single kiss to be real and heartfelt.

As if it was real and heartfelt on his side, I thought dejectedly.

Just on time, I heard the sound of footsteps crunching on the grass. I whirled around and saw Colin jogging towards me, running a hand through his hair. He raised an arm to wave at me and I waved back.

“Hey,” he said once he was only a foot away from me, “sorry I’m late. I couldn’t get past Roman and the others without them following me here, but I took care of them. So why did you want to meet up here—”

This was it. I gathered up my courage and took a step forward so that we were just inches away. I tentatively wrapped my arm around his neck, pulling him down towards me, kissing him right on the lips.

My eyes were squeezed shut and I was probably a sloppy and pathetic kisser, but Colin didn’t seem to mind. He was surprised, but he quickly fit into his role and kissed me back, his hands resting on my waist.

I fought the waves of desire that washed over me, trying to drag me down to the bottomless sea that was Colin. I guided my hand down his back, slowly making my way to the black notebook, but before I could even reach it, Colin pulled away from me, breathless. “Wow,” he said, grinning boyishly, “that was nice. But what was that for?”

My hand stayed completely frozen on the small of his back. I was so close. I smiled up at him, the fingers of my free hand playing with the hair at the back of his neck. “Nothing. I just figured you needed a kiss.” I didn’t give him a chance to reply and instead kissed him again, this time pulling on his belt loops.

He smiled against my lips and leaned forward, pushing me back until I was pressed up against a wall, trapped. I told myself to focus, my hand blindly searching for the leather skin of the black notebook. For a moment I was able to brush its pages, but then Colin tilted my head back to deepen the kiss, his hands trailing down my back, and I lost myself in him.

When we finally detached ourselves from each other, the bell was ringing in the distance. Lunch period was over.

“As much as I’d love to go on,” he whispered to my ear, his breath warm, “we’re going to be late if we don’t get back.”

I giggled and nodded, pushing him gently on the chest so I could remember what it was like to breathe. “Yeah, we should get back.”

The shelter that the bleachers provided kept us from prying eyes, but the moment we stepped out of its shadow, we were left in the open for anyone to spot. A couple of students were jogging, their speeds directly proportional to how often the P.E. teacher blew the whistle. Nobody saw us walking by, or, if some of them did, they pretended not to notice.

My heel got caught in the dirt and I wobbled a bit. I felt Colin’s hand close around my wrist, steadying me, but even when I righted myself, he never let go. He held my hand, fingers laced, and we swung them a bit, in tune to the rhythm of our footsteps.

What am I doing? I thought. I failed again. I should just give up. I’m always so close, but it’s never enough, and I’m pretending to be the girlfriend of this guy, letting him kiss me and play with me when he feels nothing for me. But I don’t want to let go either. How is it possible to be this happy and sad at the same time?

We didn’t talk on the way to the main building, and I was grateful for that. A comfortable silence dawned on us as we busied ourselves with our own respective thoughts. Soon, we were ducking inside the entrance doors, making a short trip down a hall and then it was time for us to go our separate ways.

Our classes were right across from each other, and we stood there on the borderline, still holding hands while everyone else was getting settled in their seats in the classrooms.

At first, Colin was staring down at our joined hands, silent, and then he glanced up at me. He looked confused as he asked, “Seven, are you okay?”

I mirrored his furrowed eyebrows. “What do you mean? I’m perfectly fine.” It was half-true.

“No, it’s just…you don’t seem like yourself today.”

Giving him a reassuring smile, I slowly pulled my hand away from his grasp. “Really?” I asked, hoping my voice didn’t betray me. “I don’t feel much of a difference.” It was entirely false. I did feel something. I felt pained, like I was an empty water bottle twisted around just because of somebody else’s boredom, the plastic creaking and crunching, already on the point of snapping. I was a wire gone taut, stretched far past my limit.

This endless and blatantly hopeless chase after the notebook and now, my heart after Colin, was tiring me out. It was about time I felt overwhelmed by it all.

“Are you sure?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at me. I started walking backwards, toward my classroom. “Of course I’m sure! We are talking about me here, right? This is normal—” I staggered, and the back of my head connected with the door frame, earning me a bump. “Ow,” I said, massaging my skull.

Colin stood by the door of his class, laughing. “You’re right. This is normal.”

I stuck my tongue out at him, and he chuckled and smiled—a gorgeous smile that was soft and gentle and sweet as a fluffy pillow after an exhausting day. It was a smile that said that they were proud of you. It made you want to smile too.

Bye, he mouthed.

Bye, I mouthed back. I give up, I thought. I can’t do this anymore.