Entry 8: What If?

Date: March 22, 2013

“Colin!” I screamed as I ran down the hall as fast as I could, the people around us transforming into unrecognizable blobs in the background.

Someone slammed into me—or perhaps the right way of saying it was that I slammed into someone—and they went sprawling to the ground, dropping their things. “Sorry!” I called back as I jumped over their fallen belongings and continued sprinting as if my life depended on it.

The way my leg muscles were already complaining was enough proof to me that I needed more exercise. Although I’d been running faster than I ever thought I could in the past few days of chasing after the red-haired jerk who was, right then, just a few feet away from me, I still wasn’t used to the rigorous workout.

“Come on, Seven!” Colin shouted, not even sounding out of breath—at all. “Keep up!”

“I didn’t even agree to it yet!” I said, not even caring about the fact that the aforementioned unrecognizable blobs were turning their heads towards us and whispering and giggling behind their hands.

You see, I’d been doing my best annoying him through constant text messages since last Tuesday, and just a minute ago, after calculus class, it seemed that my annoyance had finally paid off when Colin offered a proposition: “If you can beat me to the cafeteria line, I’ll give you back the notebook.”

“Wait, what—”

I hadn’t even finished my sentence when he took off running, choking me in the dust he left at his wake. It wasn’t as if he literally left dust, but it did take me a while before I caught on to what he said and sped after him—which led to the predicament I was in right at that moment.

Colin weaved in between a group of friends slowly making their way to the cafeteria and I had to skid to a halt and circle around them. “But you’re already running anyway!” he said. “So don’t stop now!”

I pumped my arms harder and tried to extend my leg reach. I was almost there. Colin was right in front of me. I could just reach him with the tips of my fingertips. We entered through the double doors of the cafeteria with a loud bang, but the hundreds of mouths talking all at once drowned the sound out. My hand reached out and held on tightly to the sleeve of his white sport shirt.

Colin suddenly stopped. As I panted and reminded my lungs that a few minutes of breathlessness didn’t mean they could quit their job as being my lungs, I wondered hopefully if victory was mine.

It took some effort to raise my head, what with the pounding of blood in my ears and the bright flashes of light at the corners of my eyes. I blinked them away and finally saw Colin grinning down at me.

How was it that someone you’re supposed to hate after all the trouble they put you through could still make your heart race—faster than the rate it was already going at—and make you forget everything else but them?

“Too bad, Seven,” he said. “You almost won, you know.”

At first I stared at him confused, and then I turned my attention to the floor, where Colin’s sneaker was stepping on the spot just behind the last guy at the cafeteria line. I immediately let go of his sleeve and said, “That’s not fair! You had a head start!”

“No, I didn’t,” he dared deny it, “I gave you a second or two to digest it and react, but you obviously took your time, Seven. Not my problem.”

I groaned angrily and said, “Stop playing with me already and give me back my notebook!” I shoved his arm and relished the hard muscle I felt there. He laughed, not noticing how his lean bicep was affecting me.

He was about to say something in reply, but then he paused and smiled at someone behind me. “Hey, Maria,” he said, looking over my shoulder.

I looked back to see a pretty blonde girl wearing a puffy peach blouse, gray skinny jeans, and black flats with little ribbons on them. I recognized her as one of the girls in Colin’s circle of friends. She was also one of the few people who didn’t come to me for their secrets but knew me from the classes we had together.

Maria smiled back, all dimples and nice cheekbones. I suddenly felt conscious of all the baby fat I had on my face.

“Hi, Colin,” she said, her voice so delicate and feminine that I almost—almost—stared at her in awe.

“Did you hear about Alana’s party tonight?” he asked.

She nodded and said, “Are you going?”

“It’s a party,” he snorted, his tone implying that the answer was obvious enough.

For a second there I thought she would just continue batting her eyelashes at Colin without acknowledging my presence, but then she turned to me and said, “You know, you’re invited too, Seven.”

My eyes widened in surprise as I asked, “Really?”

“Totally,” she said. “Especially after you…you know, helped her with a little problem.” She glanced over briefly at Colin and then winked at me. My mouth transformed into the shape of a letter O. Right. Alana was the girl who kept texting Colin endlessly. If I hadn’t told her to stop, maybe he eventually would have. That would be humiliating enough.

Colin frowned. “I still don’t get what problem she’s going through. She won’t tell me.”

It seemed that luckily, Colin hadn’t seen that secret in the black notebook—yet. A green-eyed monster in me wanted him to, though, so that I’d have one less rival in the process. I knew it was wrong to think that way, especially since I had nothing to be jealous about because I. Was. Not. His. Girlfriend, as I repeatedly reminded myself.

I cut a glance towards Maria and noticed the way she was checking him out from the top of his messy red hair to the toe of his sneakers. It looked like there was another girl who was planning to join the Colin Stillman fan club.

I quickly stepped forward, blocking her view, and smiled as innocently as I could manage. “So, what time did you say the party was going to be?”

She blinked in surprise but quickly fixed her composure to say, “Around eight, maybe? It’s after dinner, for sure.” She probably sensed that she wouldn’t be able to make any real conversation with Colin with me around, so she said, “Well, I’d better head to Alana and the others. See you two later at the party!”

With a wave, she turned on her heel and walked towards one of the tables, her hips swaying elegantly. I whirled around and caught Colin staring at her strut away. My heart sank.

Colin glanced at me and smiled. “Hmm…I’m not sure if this is the first time I’d ever see you at a party, Seven.”

“It is,” I said, wincing at the sudden lack of energy in my voice. “But I don’t plan on going anyway.”

I’d been invited to parties before, parties that I knew Colin would be going to, but the little coward in me was too scared to see her crush go with another girl. I’d always thought that there wouldn’t be any point, especially since we hadn’t spoken to each other yet back then.

However, for the party tonight, I could picture it in my head already: Colin would be sitting with his friends, I would find someone to keep me company, and then Maria or Alana or maybe both of them would linger around Colin like sly cats waiting to attack.

“Hey, don’t be such a killjoy,” he said, poking my forehead with his index finger. I glared at him as I swatted his hand away. “Come on, get your nose out of those books you’re always reading and have some fun.”

“You sound just like my mom,” I commented, stepping forward in the line.

He grinned and said, “I was right to think that she’s a very intelligent woman, then. Now, come on!”

I looked up at Colin. His emerald-green eyes stared intently into my dark ones, so open and piercing that I felt like they could swallow me up alive. I glanced away. I supposed it wouldn’t be too bad. Besides, he was asking me to come to the party, as if he wanted me there.

But did he, really?

After some reluctance, I sighed and said, “We’ll see.”

***

Eight hours later, my mom couldn’t wait to get me out of the house.

“Finally!” my mom chirped as she placed the last of the dirty dishes into the sink. “You’re going to a party! How long has it been since you’ve been to one, anyway?”

“Too long for me to care,” I murmured, my eyes not leaving the novel I was reading. It was already eight o’clock and I hadn’t even changed out of my home clothes yet.

“What time are you supposed to be there?”

“Mm…eight, I think.” I was having a hard time listening to what my mom was saying while reading.

“Eight! You should be getting ready as we speak!” she scolded me when I didn’t make any move to get up. My mom had always been a punctual person. And although it wasn’t a bad trait, it was kind of annoying when I got tangled up along with it.

“Maybe later…”

“Seven!”

“Alright, alright,” I said irritably, closing Eleanor & Park with two fingers and jumping off the couch. I headed upstairs, entered my bedroom, and quickly scanned through my wardrobe. I hadn’t shopped in a while, and even though none of the clothes I had right then were that hideous, I still felt like it wasn’t enough for the party I imagined in my head.

There would certainly be dancing, so I wouldn’t want anything uncomfortable. There would be people I knew and didn’t know, so I wouldn’t want anything revealing. There would be…well, Colin, so I wouldn’t want anything plain.

I thought back to Maria and the puffy peach blouse she’d been wearing and how Colin seemed to appreciate how it looked on her. Or maybe he was just appreciating the way she swung her butt.

I stood on my tiptoes and reached up to take the hanger of a dress that caught my eye. It was a preppy sleeveless bowknot dress, the color of old rose.

Now that I thought about it, Colin had never seen me in a dress.

I kicked the cabinet door shut and bent down to grab my black Keds. After quickly slipping into the clothes, spraying just a hint of powdery perfume and applying lip-gloss, I was ready. I ran my fingers through my hair and gathered it into a bun. I looked at my reflection in the mirror one last time before taking my phone, which had beeped with a message from Tracy, who’d promised me a ride to the party.

Outside, I heard the sound of a car horn. I hurried out of the room and down the stairs. “Mom, I’m leaving,” I informed her once I’d hopped off the last step.

My mom walked out of the kitchen, wiping a plate with a dishtowel. She leaned towards me and kissed me on the crown of my head. “Alright, take care. Be back by eleven.”

Once I’d slammed the front door shut, I locked it and hurried to Tracy’s red Toyota. I swung the passenger door open and slipped in. Piano keys were playing, resonating from her speakers. “Hey, Trace,” I greeted her with a smile.

Tracy serenaded in a way of greeting me, her face crumpling as she sang. I laughed at her antics, recognizing the song. It was about a man telling his son that love will only bring him pain. An electric guitar joined the party, making me tap my foot on the car floor. As Tracy put her car into motion, slowly making its way out of my neighborhood, we both took deep breaths and belted out the lyrics.

Although Tracy was part of the glee club and way better than me in singing, I couldn’t say that I was all that bad. If I were, Tracy would’ve probably already thrown me out of her car.

Tracy and I weren’t that close of friends, but we did have a similar liking of most of Mayday Parade’s songs. We shared laughs in between singing to their songs, the graceful blending of instruments filling the small vehicle all throughout the entire ride—up to the point when we were right in front of Alana’s house and couldn’t even hear ourselves think due to the loudness of the club song playing through her large speakers, which were propped on the ledges outside.

We both stepped out of her car and I immediately craned my neck to look around. I spotted Colin’s pale blue pickup a few cars away and adrenaline flooded through me, just as it always did at the thought of seeing him.

My wristwatch stated that it was only eight-thirty, and yet there were already several wasted people sprawled out on Alana’s lawn, singing drunkenly along to the song playing, although I couldn’t comprehend the lyrics they were shouting at the top of their voices.

Alana was standing at the front door, and she welcomed us warmly with a bottle of beer in one hand. I resisted the urge to wrinkle my nose at the sight of it. To say that I wasn’t much of a drinker was an understatement. I hated the thought of getting drunk. Sure, curiosity prodded me here and there at times, but I refused to try it.

Tracy promised to meet up later by her car, and then we went our separate ways.

Inside, some were getting their mad on in the open space they’d cleared out for dancing, while others simply lingered at the sides talking. I waved at the people I knew there, and before I knew it, someone approached me and took me away to an isolated corner.

It was Samantha, a senior from my AP Philosophy, and I was so used to her frowns and longing sighs that I almost didn’t recognize her when she came to me, giddy and laughing. I was proud to say that I remembered her being the one who’d had a cheating boyfriend and who didn’t seem to want to move on.

“Seven, I have fantabulous news,” she gushed, cheeks all pink and soft.

“What, are you finally over your jerk of an ex-boyfriend?” I asked, smiling, and she nodded.

“But not only that!” she quickly added. She leaned in and whispered, “I think I’m in love.”

Oh, dear. I did my best to look happy for her and asked, “With whom?”

“Well…you might think of this as ridiculous,” she started reluctantly, tucking a lost strand of blonde hair behind her ear, “but…do you remember Spaghetti Clown?”

To refresh some of your memories, Spaghetti Clown was the guy in the black sweatshirt that ended up tripping and falling face-first into his plate of spaghetti after a failed attempt at retrieving what was truly his from the bag of Colin Stillman. In other words: me.

I tried not to show my discomfort as I nodded for her to continue. “You see…the day Spaghetti Clown got his namesake, I bumped into him in the empty hallway. Everyone was already in the cafeteria and I was, you know, idiotically crying again…” She rolled her eyes, probably at her past self, the one who couldn’t forget the guy who forgot her. “And I was expecting him to shove me, shout at me for getting in his way, or something else that Phil”—her ex—“would’ve done, but he didn’t. Instead he only asked me if I was okay. Maybe you might think of this as a pathetic reason to like someone, but I don’t know…I just, I just needed it that day, you know?”

I was already on the verge of blurting out the fact that the “guy” she was in love with didn’t really exist and that she was already talking to the real Spaghetti Clown, but she said, “I didn’t see him again after that, though, and I kept looking, as clichéd as that sounds, until finally I saw him doing library work one late afternoon.”

My eyes widened. I was pretty sure I’d never done any library work in school. “Um, are you sure that was Spaghetti Clown?”

Samantha looked at me oddly. “Of course. He had the same slightly upturned nose, fair skin, not that tall for a guy, and he was wearing the same black sweatshirt, jeans, and pair of sneakers. I don’t know about his eye color though, because the hood was covering most of his face.”

Well. That couldn’t get any weirder.

“So anyway, I had to return a couple of books and he was the one who took them back. We talked for a while, and I think that it was a pretty great start. I didn’t say a thing about us bumping into each other, but he did deny being Spaghetti Clown,” she said. She shrugged, a wistful smile tugging on her lips. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe he’s not really Spaghetti Clown, but I suppose it doesn’t matter if he isn’t. Maybe the one I bumped into wasn’t even Spaghetti Clown, but in some way, Spaghetti Clown helped me meet someone who might be worth it this time.”

I raised my eyebrows in amazement. “Wow,” I said. “Just…wow. So, are you guys, like, hitting it off?”

“We’re just friends now,” she told me, “but I’m looking out for that silver lining, you know?”

“Yeah, I know,” I said. “That’s great, Sam.” Not knowing what else to say, I pointed towards what I hoped was the direction of Alana’s kitchen and said, “Hey, I’ll go grab a drink. Just update me if there’s any development, okay?” I winked and she laughed.

“Certainly,” she said.

I found my way to the kitchen where a group of people had gathered closely near the sink. Someone was sitting on the counter, his head above the others, telling a story that caught everyone’s attention in its grasp, someone with red hair.

Colin unleashed the punchline and everyone burst into fits of laughter. I took the opportunity to stare at him. He was wearing a long-sleeved black shirt, mustard pants (I had no idea how he could pull it off but he did), and black Nike sneakers. I noticed Maria making gooey eyes at him (okay, maybe she wasn’t, but that’s how it looked like from my perspective). He was in the middle of a high-five with one of the people surrounding him when he suddenly glanced up and looked straight at me.

I immediately turned away, refusing to acknowledge his presence before he acknowledged mine. I focused instead on the cooler on the floor. I was disappointed to see mostly beer inside, but I was thankful when I found a can of Coke. As I cracked it open, letting the air hiss out, I heard a voice behind me say, “Well, well, look who actually came to the party.”

I jumped and whirled around, surprised to find Colin smirking down at me. “You know, I was beginning to think you would find another book to read and wouldn’t come.”

What had happened to his group of friends? I looked around me and saw that they’d scattered to different parts of the room, except for Maria, who was still standing by the sink and was watching us with narrowed eyes.

I looked back at Colin, trying not to smile smugly. “Actually, I was in the middle of reading,” I told him, taking a sip from my Coke, “but my mom insisted on me coming to the party.”

“You’re lucky,” he said, snorting. “I had to sneak out of the balcony again. I have to be back by midnight though. My parents usually check on me and my sisters around that time.”

“I never thought you of all people would have curfew,” I commented.

“Don’t you know? I’m Cinderella.” He raised the bottle of beer I didn’t realize he was holding to his lips and drank.

I frowned. “I…I didn’t know you drink,” I said, unable to hold back my disappointment.

“I don’t,” he said, contrary to what he was doing right then. “I just take few sips at parties when I feel like it. I never finish more than one bottle. I don’t want to get drunk.”

At this, I grinned. “I hate that, too. I mean, I really don’t get the point of it.”

“Some say it’s a form of escape,” he said, shrugging, “but I say that you can do that through other ways.”

“Like reading,” I eagerly suggested and he smiled knowingly at me. “I think your reading is what normal people would call obsessive.”

“It’s not!” When he only laughed at me, I decided to change the subject—but only slightly. “So, what’s your reason for not wanting to get drunk? I mean, you wouldn’t normally hear that from an eighteen-year-old boy who loves to go to parties.”

“My dad used to be a drunk and it made my mom really sad,” he told me, surprisingly honest, “and also, an ex-girlfriend of mine loved getting drunk at parties, and let’s just say that she wasn’t the most tolerable person in the room and there was a considerable shortage of patience on my part.”

“So, what happened?” I asked, too curious for my own good.

He took another sip. “She became my ex.”

“What, just like that?” I asked incredulously.

“It wasn’t exactly a love match.”

“Still,” I said quietly, gulping down my Coke. It saddened me a bit that Colin wasn’t serious, even in his relationships, but what did I expect? It seemed like even dating was too serious a thing for him.

Before I heard her voice, I saw the pink fingernails resting on Colin’s upper arm. My gaze flitted towards Maria, who had, without our knowing, migrated from her place at the sink to right beside us. “Hey, Colin,” she said and then turned to me, “Seven. We’re going to play Seven Minutes of Heaven upstairs. Do you guys want to join?”

“Seven Minutes of Heaven?” I repeated, making a face. I couldn’t understand why people even played. Maybe it was the thrill of it, but even if I did play and I ended up with, say, Colin, I wouldn’t want my first kiss or first anything to be taken away by a mere game. Not exactly what I pegged as romantic. “I don’t think—”

“Nonsense,” Colin immediately said, “You’re definitely coming. Maria, lead the way.”

Maria obviously didn’t like to be the one leading the way; she wanted to be the one standing by Colin’s side. Not like she could complain though, and that gave me a small ounce of victory. With a frown, she spun around, and walked out of the kitchen and to the stairs.

Maria went ahead, climbing the stairs two steps at a time. I dug in my heels, feeling the deliciously carbonated liquid sloshing inside my Coke can.

Colin looked back at me and I said, “Colin, I said I didn’t want to go!”

“Technically, you said ‘I don’t think’, which I personally think really isn’t healthy for your self-esteem,” he said matter-of-factly.

I fixed him with the best glare I could muster. “I didn’t mean—”

“Besides,” he cut in before I could finish, his lips curling into a grin, “it’s a party. Have some fun while you’re here.”

“I wouldn’t really consider going into a room to do anything with someone I don’t even like or I’m not even friends with as ‘fun’.”

He rolled his eyes and took my wrist. “Don’t be such a buzzkill. Come on.” Before I could do or say anything about it, he dragged me up the stairs and towards a room with the door left ajar. It was Alana’s room—this I could guess from the white and lavender duvet on the princess bed and the computer screen with tons of Post-it’s and photos of herself and her friends.

Inside, there were already some eight or nine people, either sitting cross-legged on the carpeted floor or standing by the windows, talking. Most of them I knew, which I was thankful for, but I wasn’t all too glad either. Once we stepped into the room, Colin turned back to close the door.

“Alright, guys,” Alana declared, waving a half-empty bottle of beer in her hand, “gather around.”

Everyone did as she asked and we all scooted closer until we formed a circle, our knees touching. In the middle was an empty bottle of beer. Unfortunately, I ended up sitting beside Maria, while Colin decided to join some of his friends across the circle from me.

“You know the rules,” Alana said. “The chosen people will get to do whatever they want inside that closet for seven minutes.” She pointed at the walk-in closet to her left. “We’ll spin a bottle just to, you know, put a little spice in it. The person to the left of whoever it was last pointing at will be the next victim.” With a wicked smile, she added, “No exceptions.”

I swallowed nervously.

The game began with Alana, who spun the bottle while drinking her beer. It turned once, twice, thrice, four times…until it finally landed on Nolan, a boy I’d been with in all of my science-related classes and who proved to be good in the subjects.

Seven minutes later, when they’d finally exited the closet with messed up hair, flushed cheeks and slightly disheveled clothes, he proved to be good at so many other things as well—or so Alana told Maria with a fitful of giggles when she sat back down.

Colin, who was sitting at Nolan’s left side, took the bottle a little too excitedly and spun it. As it turned and turned and turned, the neck of the bottle deliriously close to stopping at anyone, I felt a little sick from anxiety. My stomach twisted into knots, hoping that it would land on me and also that it wouldn’t.

I wanted to kiss him—there was no denying that—but I didn’t want to kiss him in a closet with ten people waiting for us to come out, knowing full well what we could possibly be doing inside.

The bottle slowed on its way to me and my heart nearly exploded when it passed by, almost stopping—but ended up sliding farther and pointing at a girl beside me. I was a little glad it wasn’t Maria, but I still didn’t like the fact that it was Kiera, a curvy brunette wearing a provocative mini skirt and tank top.

While I was transforming into the green-eyed monster and was very tempted to bite Kiera’s head off, Colin laughed and said, “Well, hello there, Kiera.”

Kiera giggled at him and stood up, almost too eagerly, I noticed, and they both headed inside the closet, after Colin had opened the door for her and welcomed her in like a gentleman. Some of the people in the circle laughed, most of them his friends, while others stayed quiet, just watching curiously.

And then there was me, who felt like her heart had been torn out of her chest and stomped on right before her eyes. I told myself that I wasn’t supposed to be shocked or hurt by it. I knew way before that Colin didn’t like me that way. Sure, maybe he was fond of me, but that didn’t really count as anything.

I should’ve been prepared for something like this sooner or later. For someone as fantastically handsome as him, he was bound to have a girlfriend someday. This was just practice for me for the dreadful future.

It was the longest seven minutes of my life.

When Colin finally got out of the closet and sat back down, his friends punched his shoulder playfully and he grinned.

Why was I even staying here and enduring this? I should just leave. I was about to get up when Maria leaned forward and took the bottle. She smiled sweetly as she handed it to me. “It’s your turn, Seven.”

I looked down at it and then up at her. I was very much tempted to grab it and throw it at her big blonde head. And maybe throw it at Kiera too.

But due to social etiquette, I obviously couldn’t do that, so I was only left with the option of sitting back down and spinning the bottle, ignoring Colin’s stare and the trembling of my pale fingers. I watched it spin with a blank expression, seeing the bottle, but at the same time seeing something else: Colin leaning into Kiera in a dark room, his strong but gentle hand weaving through her hair, his lips parting for the kiss.

I could hear laughter and whistles, snapping me out of my reverie. I only saw then that the bottle had stopped spinning. I slowly raised my head, dread settling in the pit of my stomach as I wondered in that split second who I was going to share my first kiss with, only to find out in the next that it was Ray, who was grinning at me in a way that I couldn’t return at the moment—or maybe ever. He was good looking, which made it a little better, but it didn’t help that he was known to be quite a groper.

My face paled as I stood up, my knees wobbling, and slowly made my way around the circle and to the cabinet door. Ray was just a foot away from me…when a hand suddenly entered my peripheral vision and held Ray’s shoulder at an arm’s distance away from me.

A familiar voice pierced through the pounding of my blood in my ears, saying, “Sorry, cupcake, we’re calling in for a substitution.”

I tore my gaze from a stupefied Ray to Colin, who was standing right behind me, his chin almost touching my shoulder. For a moment, I forgot how to breathe.

“Sit back down, Stillman!” someone from the circle said, laughing (I didn’t know or care to know who it was; I was too involved in staring at Colin in awe). “Rules are rules. She has to kiss him.”

Colin turned to the person with a mischievous grin. “Hey, the rules didn’t say a replacement isn’t allowed. Technically, you just have to kiss someone in there.” He nodded towards the cabinet. “The bottle is just here to spice things up a little, as Alana said.”

Nobody protested.

Taking the silence as a yes, he took my hand and opened the doors to the cabinet. “Alright-y then,” he sang as he slipped in, tugging me along. Once I was in, he pushed the doors shut and darkness engulfed us both.

At first, neither of us spoke. As my eyes slowly adjusted to the sudden lack of light, I started to see the silhouettes of clothes hanging on racks and boxes of shoes piled on a top shelf. And then I made out the human form right in front of me that was Colin.

“T-thanks,” I was able to blurt out. “I have no idea how I could’ve backed out of that one if you hadn’t come into the picture.” I squinted. I could see his face, but it wasn’t that clear. I wondered if he could see me.

Colin chuckled and said, “No problem.”

“I can’t believe they actually bought what you said about replacements.”

“Half of the people in the room were too drunk to argue. The other half probably didn’t really care.”

“But…” I continued hesitantly, “why did you do that? I mean, you didn’t have to, of course.”

“You wouldn’t ask that if you’d seen your face a little while ago.”

“Oh.” I bit my lip. “Thank you—again.”

“Well,” he huffed, and I could almost imagine Colin shrugging in the darkness, looking as if it couldn’t have been helped otherwise, “it’s not like I do these kinds of things for free…”

I blinked and narrowed my eyes at him, crossing my arms. “And what do you mean by that?”

With a suggestive smile, he said, “Well, we are playing Seven Minutes of Heaven. Might as well do what we have to do, right?”

I was opening my mouth to answer him when his hand reached out, touching the strands of hair framing my face, his fingers brushing the spot where my jaw and my neck met. In the dark, I vaguely saw long dark lashes against fair skin. I knew Colin was looking straight at me.

In a flash, an image came uninvited into my mind, slicing through the racing of my heart: Kiera holding onto his shirt, her back arched, hungrily kissing the same lips that were about to kiss me. Involuntarily, I winced.

Colin suddenly stopped, his hand hanging on air next to my cheek. He slowly dropped it and then cleared his throat. “Uh, well, I have another proposition so you can, you know, pay me back,” he said, as if nothing had happened in the past few seconds where I thought my heart was going to burst.

I looked up at him, my heart clenching in disappointment and regret. Did he think I was disgusted by him because I winced? I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t like that, but my throat closed up, unwilling to let the words come out. What if I hadn’t winced? What if? Would he have really…kissed me?

It took me a while before I managed to say, “I hate your propositions.”

He ignored what I said and continued: “You could be my slave for an entire school day.”

At that, I snapped out of the trance I was in, and looked up sharply. “What!” I exclaimed. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Nope,” he said matter-of-factly, popping the ‘p’.

“No way,” I said, shaking my head. “There is no way I’m doing that.”

“Hey,” he said defensively, “you should be happy I made it only for a school day, which means that this deal expires when school is over.”

“That doesn’t make being a slave of someone like you, of all people, any better.”

Colin sighed and shook his head. “Well, I’ve done my part,” he said and then gestured to the closed cabinet doors. “You know I can just easily ask Ray to come take his place again—”

“No!” I quickly took back what I said and then bit my lip, feeling troubled. I knew that I could simply walk out of that closet, out of that house, and this stupid game and its stupid rules would be all left behind me—but I also knew that Colin wouldn’t let me hear the end of it.

“F-Fine,” I muttered weakly, and then promptly added, “but whatever you make me do mustn’t involve anything sexual or related in any way to the black notebook and its contents.”

“Darn, that was about to be my first order of business,” he said, clicking his tongue.

“I can’t stop about the black notebook, Colin. I need it. You know I need it but you’re just too stubborn to give it back,” I said spitefully.

“Au contraire, I’m not stubborn. I just don’t want to ruin what will surely be an interesting and definitely comedic show to watch,” he said, grinning naughtily at me. I rolled my eyes. “And alright,” he continued, “it’s a deal. While we’re at it, we have to at least look like we kissed.”

He took my chin in his hand and smeared my lip-gloss with his thumb. The action parted my lips just a little tiny bit and I was left with an aftertaste and the lingering desire for something I couldn’t quite put a finger on. He wiped the lip-gloss on his thumb over his lips, leaving a little bit of the shiny, strawberry flavored substance at the corner of his mouth. He pulled the tie keeping my bun in place off and messed up his own hair.

“I look weird with puffy hair,” I said, frowning at the unattractive waves my hair was making after being tied for so long.

“You look perfect,” he said, and I reminded myself that he didn’t actually mean it. “And I’m doing you a favor here. You would’ve gotten off much worse with Ray. Now, ready?”

I nodded and then he turned the knob of the cabinet. A sliver of light flitted into the dark room, spreading as the doors were opened wider. I squinted uncomfortably as I heard cheers from the circle.

When I sat back down, my eyes still adjusting to the sudden brightness, Alana leaned towards me and squealed, “Oh. My. Gosh! Seven, how was it? I mean, I’m totally jealous over you right now, but I want details!”

I immediately fitted into the part I needed to play. I licked my lips, as if I was savoring the taste, and grinned goofily. “It was…it was pretty good,” I said, trying my best to sound breathless, but I was afraid that my attempt had just made me sound like I was choking on something.

Alana looked at me as if I’d won the lottery. “Is he a good kisser? Some say he is.”

I smacked my lips shut and nodded shyly, hoping that I was able to achieve a blush, “Mm-hmm…”

“Oh, man,” she sighed longingly. “I can’t believe he actually called a substitution just to be able to kiss you. That’s just so…” Another sigh.

As Alana drank some more of her beer, muttering to herself that she wished she had gotten to kiss Colin, I surreptitiously turned my gaze to Colin, who was immediately teased for being so greedy with kisses. He just shrugged and laughed.

In between smiles and stories concerning the kiss that were both equally fake, I couldn’t help but think distractedly again, what if?

I could almost imagine the outcome—if I hadn’t flinched, maybe he would’ve continued moving closer and closer and closer until the air we were breathing was the only thing between us, until his lips were against mine.

And then what if he did kiss me? Does that mean he likes me? Or was I just one of those girls who like him and he was only using me?

Later, when the game was over and it was time to go home, Maria bounced off her feet to Colin, practically begging him for a ride home. As I watched their exchange, not hearing a thing they were saying, my gut folded in on itself at the thought that if Maria or Alana had been in my place, they wouldn’t have hesitated, much less winced. They wouldn’t have wasted the opportunity.

But was it really an opportunity that I’d wasted? Or was it a bullet I’d successfully dodged? There were too many “what ifs”, but I still couldn’t stop myself from thinking of them.

Maria stepped into Colin’s car, and I heard the engine start.

What if?

They drove down the block and disappeared around the corner. As I stood out in the cold, ignoring Tracy’s voice calling my name, and feeling like an idiot in my dress, a sudden gush of wind passed by me, tousling my hair and caressing my skin. It mocked me, reminding me of Colin’s gentle hand.

What if?