Violet

“I think I’m in love with Alexander Knightley,” I blurted out as soon as Scarlett answered the phone.

“Of course you are. I think I’m in love with Alexander Knightley,” she replied. “He’s so charming, Violet.”

I sighed and collapsed back on my bed. “I’m being serious. This is a disaster. You need to talk me out of it or recommend something I can get from the pharmacy to cure me.” I’d been floating on cloud nine since Saturday, and I couldn’t stop smiling. It seemed, without realizing it, I’d been waiting for Knightley to say he wanted more, that he didn’t want me to leave. Dancing with him in the park, him talking about how he wanted me, it had allowed this rush of feelings to burst out of me. As though I’d been waiting to admit to myself that I was in love with Alexander.

Scarlett laughed. “I think it’s wonderful.”

“He danced with me in Berkley Square, the asshole. He said we had to listen for nightingales.”

“Oh my, you mean like the song?”

I sighed. It had been the most romantic night of my life, and one I’d never forget. “He told me I was smart and beautiful and that I’d ace the entrance exam for Columbia.”

“Which is true.”

“He’s really in my corner, Scarlett. He really wants me to do well.”

“That’s the kind of man you need in your life. So why is it a disaster?”

“Because of a thousand reasons.” I’d been counting them since Sunday morning, as I tried hopelessly to climb down from my cotton-candy cloud.

“Okay. Give me your top three.”

I held out my clenched fist and pushed out my thumb. “Well he lives in London and I live in the US.”

“Easy. One of you can move.”

I dropped my hand to my side. “If you’re just going to say it’s all easy, then I’m hanging up. This is not easy. There is no way he could come to New York—his whole career is here. He’s not even qualified to practice law in the US. And all his clients and his reputation, it’s all here in London.”

“So? Move to London,” she said.

“He wants me to think about doing my MBA in London.”

“That’s a great idea.”

“But then what? What if I still love him at the end of two years? Then what happens?” I was falling deeper and deeper already.

“What do you mean what happens?”

“Well by then it’s going to be difficult to leave.”

“So you don’t. Stay in London.” She made it sound so easy.

“Just like that? Don’t be crazy. Mom and Dad—”

“Mom and Dad want you to be happy, and anyway, they’re not in Connecticut half the time, and I’m in England a lot, too. The world isn’t such a big place. We can video call. I might even persuade Ryder to get a plane.”

I rolled my eyes. She said it like she was going to ask him to pick up some chicken from the market on the way home. “So I just move. Just like that.”

“Yes, just like that. I’ve seen the way that man looks at you. He’s going to go out and buy a flock of nightingales.”

“It’s a watch,” I said as I tried to imagine him looking at me as Scarlett described.

“What’s a watch?”

“The collective noun for nightingales is a watch. Not a flock.”

“Jesus, Violet. Stop being a geek and focus.”

“I am focused. On the thousand other reasons why being with him is a bad idea. He’s impatient, short-tempered, and a complete workaholic.”

“And you love him.”

I did. There was no denying it.

“He’s divorced,” I said. “Because he didn’t have time for a relationship.” He’d said that he was going to try to achieve a better balance, take more time off, but he was hardwired to work. “Why would it work between us if he can’t make it work with his wife?”

“You can’t compare one relationship with another. Things change when you’re in love. Look at Ryder and me.”

I sighed. “Unlike yours, my life isn’t a fucking fairytale.”

“Dancing in the park with a man as charming as Alex sounds like the fairytale is yours if you want it to be.”

If I allowed myself to hope for something for the future, even just for a second, it was Alexander I saw. I didn’t plan. I didn’t invest ahead of time. I hadn’t been that girl for a long time. But Alexander had me applying for courses, thinking about the future, and needing him to be part of it.

“You never think two years in advance about anything. I know I bust your balls about it, but this is the one time you should just see what happens after the end of two years. This is the time where you need to be living in the moment. And it’s not like you’ll be putting your future on hold or anything. If at the end of two years things don’t work out then you’ll still have an MBA.”

That was true. Studying abroad was a thing a lot of people did. Not just the people with boyfriends in a different country. Like Scarlett said, I wouldn’t have lost anything by doing my MBA in the UK.

It would just be easier if I wasn’t in love with him. My feelings left me exposed. I didn’t want to be taken advantage of again, made a fool of. Knightley would never do that on purpose—he had more honor and integrity than David ever did—but that didn’t mean it couldn’t happen. Alexander was so focused on work. I didn’t want to become an appendage to his life. So far things had worked for us, but changing things up left me vulnerable. But maybe the next two years could be a trial period. I knew I had a natural out when I finished if things weren’t working.

“I could just apply for some programs in London. And then if I don’t get in my decision is made.” I’d already made the applications in London. I’d done it on the Sunday morning after the dancing in Berkley Square.

“Yes. And when you do get in, you can stay together for two years and worry about what happens after that then.”

My sister was relentless but part of me hoped she was right. As much as it felt like a disaster to love him, I hated the thought of walking away from Knightley in just a few weeks.