Back Out – When a driver takes his foot off the gas pedal (all the way or part way) he “backs out” or “lifts” the throttle.
Despite my sanity, I agreed to let Logan and Lucas come out for Fourth of July 2013. Why they wanted to come out here was beyond me. They were sixteen. Didn’t they have more appealing things to do?
I just knew having sixteen-year-old half-brothers around my spaz children was a bad idea.
Their plane got in the night before we were set to leave for Daytona’s night race.
When Spencer went to get them from the airport, I was relieved that Lucas had stayed home. I could handle one of them.
“We’re here!” Spencer announced, slamming the door behind him. Jameson wasn’t home yet from the shop, as they were apparently making some changes to Justin’s sprint car before it headed to Dodge City, Kansas, tomorrow morning.
“Sway… you in here?” Spencer’s booming voice echoed throughout the downstairs.
“Yeah.” I sighed, removing the cookies from the oven. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why I decided to make cookies. It wasn’t like I wanted Logan to feel welcome, and, God forbid, want to stay. “I’m in the kitchen.”
Spencer and Logan came around the corner, standing next to the island. Logan laughed. “Since when do you bake?”
“I bake a lot, asshole,” I shot back, throwing a cookie at him.
“Really, judging by the number of kids in the movie room fighting over a movie…. I’d say you do other things in your free time.”
I noticed the kids came into the kitchen to see what all the commotion was about.
“Where the hell is Jameson?” Logan asked, looking around.
“He’s at the shop. He’ll be home later.”
Logan shrugged, eating the cookie. “Well, aren’t you happy to see me or are you pissed Luke didn’t come?”
“Although he’s the normal one, no, I’m not pissed. And, yes, I guess I’m happy to see you,” Logan stood and wrapped his long arms around me. I laughed at how tall he was. “Jeez, you’re tall these days.”
Spencer plopped down on a stool. “He’s barely five-six, Sway.”
“Hey, I’m five-seven now.”
“Is pissed a bad word?” Casten asked Axel. I didn’t even know they had come into the room yet. “If it is, I’m up to ten bucks now.”
I grabbed Casten and headed for the island, setting him on the stool. He held his hands up in defense. “I was only kidding.”
I hugged him tightly.
“I’m warning you two now,” I looked over at Axel, and I would have told Arie, but she wasn’t in earshot. “Don’t listen to Logan. He’s riding the crazy train and collecting passengers.”
“We don’t want to be passengers?” Casten asked innocently.
“No, you don’t.”
“Geez, Sway,” Logan sighed, “you act like I’m some kind of delinquent.”
“You are.”
He ignored me completely and went in for the kill. “Hey, Axel, how’s it going, little man?”
Axel just stared at him, probably wondering how in the hell he was related to something like Logan.
Logan had the power of persuasion down to a fine art—just like my kids. This was going to be tough, and I knew my kids were in danger of corruption. They were like sponges.
Logan looked up at me. “What’s for dinner?”
“I have to feed you, too?” I asked in horror. I didn’t remember Andrea telling me anything about feeding him. “And what the hell is up with your hair?” What used to be brown was now black and had red streaks in it.
“I let my girlfriend do my hair,” he shrugged. “She’s is beauty school.”
“Looks like she’s doing well.”
“So what is for dinner?”
“Jameson is bringing pizza home,” all the kids, Logan, and Spencer included lit up with excitement. I decided now was time to tell Logan my rules. “Listen dude, I have rules.”
“Great.” Logan moaned, leaning back in the chair. “Let’s hear these so-called rules. They may be deal breakers.”
“No smoking, no drinking, and no cursing in front of the kids, unless you want to lose all your money. If you get arrested for any of your bright ideas, you’re on your own. I’m not bailing you out.”
Logan looked confused, clearly not paying attention to anything I said to him. “Did you pop out another kid?”
“They’re not all mine,” I pointed to each kid. “Those three are mine. That one is Lane. You’ve met him before, dumbass. And in the other room is Lily, Justin’s daughter, and I think Lexi, Cole, and Noah are in the movie room somewhere. Charlie is with Aiden getting some groceries for tonight.”
“Tonight?” Logan looked more confused. “What’s tonight?”
“We’re having a little get-together since Lexi’s birthday is on Wednesday, and we’ll be at the track. You’re just in time for an eleven-year-old’s birthday party.”
He rolled his eyes and ate yet another cookie.
“Where’s Luke, I thought he was coming, too?” Lane asked, grabbing a few cookies from the plate, as well.
“He’s got a game this weekend in Seattle,” Logan answered, before following Lane outside toward the track where Axel disappeared.
Axel wasn’t one for crowds or birthday parties so I couldn’t blame him. If only I could have joined him. At least Lucas wasn’t here, too. This way they wouldn’t gang up on me.
Logan and Lucas were heavily involved in baseball, and both were well on their way to receiving scholarships for college. At least this was better than the alternative for the little hoodlums—prison.
ONCE JAMESON ARRIVED home, and the rest of the family showed up to celebrate Lexi’s birthday, the night thankfully passed in a blur.
The next day, we were on our way to Daytona for the race with Logan in tow.
Taking Logan to a track like Daytona was a bad idea. Not only was he sixteen and into girls, but Daytona was notorious for their pit lizards. This was very exciting for Logan. In turn, he wanted to spend all his time around Jameson, as that was where the pit lizards were.
The infield in Daytona was out of control at times. Once, and only once, I took the kids through there on my way out. What took two minutes to get through took two hours of explaining when girls flashed their funbags at my innocent little boys.
Jameson qualified for the pole, but then blew up the engine in practice so he was not the nicest person to be around. Every time I turned around he was yelling at someone, and we got to the point that weekend that if we saw him coming, everyone fled.
While Jameson was getting a feel for the back-up car in happy hour I went to check on the kids at the playground where Emma was watching them.
“Don’t be mad,” Emma said when I saw Casten holding a bloody towel to his mouth and nose.
“What happened to him?” glancing down at my little boy, I knew. He looked distraught.
You wouldn’t believe the shit my kids could get into at a race track. Daytona was by far the worst, so I knew something was coming.
“Hi, Mama,” he mumbled, holding the towel against his face, his tiny shoulder slumped forward.
Kneeling down, I brushed his mess of hair out of his eyes to get a better view. Having a mischievous nine-year-old already, I knew exactly what happened when I saw the purple blob lodged in his nose.
Play-doh.
“What made you do that?”
“I’m sorry,” he offered, looking at his hands.
“Don’t be sorry, monkey... just, uh... don’t push it up there any farther.”
I actually wasn’t sure it could go any farther without lodging in his brain, but I could be wrong.
Emma collected the rest of the kids and followed me to the infield care center.
While they cleaned up his nose and attempted to get the blob out, I ran back to the motor coach to get his monkey, which he said he needed to make it through the rest of the day. He may be my brave, happy five-year-old, but he still needed his stuffed monkey just like Axel still needed his Mr. Piggy.
“Where’s Casten?” Jameson asked once back at his motor coach. I kept one eye on Logan and one eye on Jameson, clutching the stuffed monkey to my side.
“He’s detained,” was my answer.
Jameson quirked his head to the side before climbing back inside the golf cart when Alley gestured toward the media center.
Both Noah and Charlie quickly darted in the other direction and hid behind Aiden.
“He stuck Play-doh in his nose,” Logan told him, swinging his arm around my shoulder. “He’s in the infield care center with Emma.”
“Why would he do that?”
Noah and Charlie chuckled, and I pushed Logan away. He thankfully tripped over his own feet.
“You couldn’t keep your mouth shut, could you?”
“What?” Logan asked. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
“It is a big deal. He doesn’t want everyone knowing his shit head cousins coaxed him into sticking Play-doh up his nose.”
Logan shrugged indifferently. “It happens to the best of us.”
Just as Jameson got back out of the golf cart, knowing he had some father duties to tend to, Emma sent me a text message stating Casten broke down and was crying.
Turning toward Jameson, I yanked him by his racing suit with me. “Come talk to him, he’s crying.”
Jameson groaned but followed. “Why is he crying?”
“Probably because he tried to stick Play-doh into his brain.”
In every infield on the circuit was an infield care center. Drivers and their families were treated there for sprained ankles, cuts, scrapes, sore throats, and the flu... pretty much everything.
This wasn’t the first time one of my kids visited the infield care emergency room. Axel had frequent visits at Bristol, Charlotte, and Daytona. Arie had stumbled over a tire in the garage area at Fontana and received her first set of stitches when she was two. And now Casten, who had an issue with sticking things in his nose. Let’s just hope that issue didn’t expand to chemicals when he got older.
Later that night, after getting Casten ice cream to make him feel better, he spent the rest of the night curled up in Jameson’s lap, playing Xbox with Logan. Usually he was a Mama’s boy, but at the first sign of illness or injury, he wanted his daddy, much like all my children.
DUE TO A nasty infection, Casten needed a hefty dose of antibiotics so I took him with me to fill the prescription when we went back to Elma for the Outlaw tour. It felt good to be back home for a few weeks, and hanging out with Andrea and Macy was my favorite part. A not-so-favorite part was running into Chelsea for the first time since before the accident—especially since Casten was with me.
I never wanted her to see the kids. We tried to keep them out of the public eye as much as possible, but times like this I never thought I needed to. Everywhere in Elma we went, people never bothered us. The same went for Mooresville. These were two places where we truly felt at home. I should have known I’d run into her in Elma, though.
“Sway... is that you?” I knew her voice, how could I not? It haunted me for years in high school. Casten gripped my hand tighter when he felt me tense, looking up at me.
Turning back to look at her, I had to bite back a laugh that she had gained about fifty pounds.
“Chelsea?” My arms instinctively picked up my youngest spaz, holding him close to me.
“Wow, it’s good to see you,” she said, her blue eyes appearing honest for once.
Casten looked from me to her. “Who is that?”
“This is Chelsea Adams,” I told him.
She held her hand out to him. “You look just like your daddy, sweetheart.”
“Well, I should, he’s my dad,” Casten responded.
“Oh, I can tell with that remark,” she laughed. “You must be the youngest one... Casten, right?”
We both nodded as I gave her a confused look. “The internet... it’s not hard to find out.”
“Back to stalking these days?”
Her eyes widened in surprise. “No, I’m not. Listen, Sway, I’m sorry for what happened.”
“Sorry doesn’t really take it back, Chelsea,” I whispered. Our kids didn’t know the troubles we’d had prior to them. I didn’t want them to, knowing eventually there would be no way around that.
Chelsea sighed, knowing this wasn’t the time for this sort of thing, when my eyes glanced toward Casten, who was curiously watching our interaction. “I wanted his heart back then Sway, but it wasn’t his to give. It never was.”
I could have told her she was wrong, but she wasn’t. We didn’t know it then, but our hearts were taken that night beside that black sprint car when we were eleven. Neither one of us ever had a chance alone.
“How does it feel on the straight stretches?”
I shrugged. Flipping open my visor, Kyle leaned inside the car. “Good, but not great. It still feels like it’s bottoming out on me.”
“We could try an air pressure and a spring wedge to see if that helps.”
“It couldn’t hurt.”
“All right,” he nodded. “Do you need water or Gatorade?”
“Nah, I’m good.” Kyle put my window net up again and then moved back so the crew could make some adjustments. We were currently testing at Texas, in probably the hottest temperatures of the year. In the two-hour test session we did, I drank six bottles of water and had no urge to use the bathroom—I’d say I was a little dehydrated.
I ended up making another hundred laps or so before parking beside the hauler in the infield where Kyle, Bobby, and Mason were waiting.
Everyone was sound asleep by the time I got back to Mooresville. Quietly, I crawled in bed, hoping not to wake Sway, who was curled up on my pillow.
My eyes were just about closed when I felt a tiny hand against my shoulder. “Daddy?”
I could hear a soft melodic whisper that pulled me out of the almost-sleep. My baby girl’s breath blew across my face as she nudged my shoulder again. “Daddy?”
“What’s the matter, princess?” I whispered back, blinking into the darkness.
Arie sighed. “I had a bad dream. Can I sleep with you?”
Opening my eyes just enough to make out her tiny frame, I lifted her in between Sway and me. She curled up next to me, her head resting on my pillow. Arie was a snuggler with me, not so much with Sway, but she loved a good cuddle in the arms of her daddy.
Every time she slept with us, she had to be touching me, and usually with several body parts.
“I hate bad dreams,” she said with another sigh.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” I asked, throwing an arm around her and rubbing her back.
“You wrecked and didn’t come home to us,” she wiggled and snuggled closer. “It made me sad.”
“Don’t worry, baby, nothing is going to happen to me,” I whispered, kissing her forehead.
Within a few minutes she was sleeping in my arms. This was always a fear of theirs. At least Arie’s. I never heard Axel or Casten talk about it, but Arie was different. Even though I promised her, I couldn’t. I never knew what would happen from week to week on the track. All I could hope for was the chance to let my family know I loved them.
I’D MENTIONED THIS before, but other women were relentless. And it wasn’t even the pit lizards. It could be anyone. Any time they found out who I was, it was like they thought if I gave into them, they won something. It wasn’t happening, though. I was happy with Sway.
We were comfortable with each other. Just like my favorite dirt track, on any given night I knew how to get fast time, I knew where the ruts were, and I knew just how much speed I could carry through the corners. I knew how to throttle through the turns to glide over the ruts. Just like any bullring track, I knew her as she knew me.
I also knew even good marriages failed at times. But it started with one simple miracle—two people fell in love. That was what I valued. Sway and I fought sometimes over everything from time with each other, to me leaving my underwear lying around the house. I’d never say it was perfect, but it was pretty fucking good. All that being said, that was why these women throwing themselves at me were never an option, or even so much as a thought.
One particular woman, Kristy, worked for me as a scorer for our team and was rather flirty. Spencer warned me countless times that there was something more to her, as though she took the job to get closer to me. For a while I thought he was right until she began dating Colin. But then Kristy and I had to spend a few afternoons together when she stepped in for Alley as my publicist for an event. Kristy really wasn’t any different from any other girl.
One night while we were in Chicago for the race, she knocked on the door to my motor coach fairly late as I was just getting ready for bed. Sway and the kids were in Eldora at the Little Dirt Nationals for Axel and Casten. I was flying out tomorrow to catch a few heat races, but this left me alone.
Thinking it was Spencer again I answered the door in just jeans, without a shirt.
“Oh... hey, Kristy.” I reached for my shirt on the back of the chair near the door. “What’s up?”
She was crying. That much was evident by her reddened eyes. I invited her in, she told me that she and Colin had gotten in a fight, and she was feeling upset about it. She thought she wasn’t good enough for him being a NASCAR driver. After a while, when I told her I needed to get some sleep, she hugged me and confessed her real motive.
“I came in here hoping that you and I could... you know.”
Well, shit, Spencer was right.
“Kristy,” I let out a deep sigh. I knew where this was going with that look on her face. I’d seen it on countless women. “You’re beautiful. I’m married, not blind, so when I tell you that you are, please believe me. But I love my wife more than anything in the world so this,” I motioned between us, “is not an option. Ever.”
“I know,” she mumbled, tears streaming down her reddened cheeks. Her expression brought me back to when Sway left me in Sonoma all those years ago.
Kristy was pretty and resembled Sway in a lot of ways, there was no denying that, but I also knew it really didn’t matter. No one would ever fill the aching void I felt when Sway wasn’t with me.
“You know …” I began handing Kristy a tissue. “My wife, Sway, and I went through something like this.”
“I know,” she nodded. “I read that somewhere.”
“What I meant was that even though you think you can’t have Colin, you can. He loves you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“You’re right,” I offered. “I don’t know if he loves you, but I can tell you from a man’s perspective, he appears to.”
She was silent and then turned to hug me. Carefully, trying not to lead her on any more than I already had, I wrapped my arms around her, returning the hug, and then pulled her away to arms’ length.
“Go get him,” I told her with a wink.
There were times where I got lonely and I missed Sway, but the thought never crossed my mind to turn to another woman. Like I said, it wasn’t an option for me, never would be.
Another woman to frequently try her luck was Nadia.
Now Sway never came out and said it, but I knew her feelings toward Nadia. It was the same as every other wife whose husband raced in the series. They didn’t trust her.
I also never appreciated how Nadia thought she was better than our wives.
Well, to me, our wives had done more.
Nadia also thought the wives were gold diggers and never took the time to think otherwise. What she didn’t know was that, Sway, for example, ran Grays Harbor Raceway most days, made sure everyone with JAR Racing got their flight schedules, drivers were paid, raised our kids, and kept me grounded.
To me, she had the hardest job out of all of us.
She was there when the spotlight wasn’t.
Something I knew a girl like Nadia wouldn’t be. She reminded me so much of Ashley and Chelsea, it was revolting.
But, I was still pleasant to her when needed.
Sometime after the summer race in Charlotte, I was at a bar with Tyler having a drink when Nadia showed up. He’d yet to meet her, so I introduced them and that was that. We parted ways for the night.
Only problem was when Tyler went to the bathroom, Nadia found me at the bar.
“So what, you’re gonna ignore me?” she asked when she stood there for a good few minutes, and I had yet to say anything to her. The paper wrapping on my beer was more interesting than conversation with her.
“I was trying to,” I told her, finally looking her direction. “And you’re making it hard.”
Her eyes, focused on mine, gave her intensions away. And being away from my wife, sure, if I was like any other guy, I could give in. It’d be easy. But that’s not me and never would be me.
“You’re always an asshole, aren’t you? Why are you—”
I cut her off immediately. “How would you know?” I laughed. “You made your mind up about me a long time ago.”
“No, you made it for me,” she replied and motioned for the bartender to get her a beer and one for me. “You never give people a chance to prove otherwise.”
“Just like everyone else, you have one image of me and it’s not the right one,” I said, looking at her again. And, honestly, I started to get a little upset. “Everyone has this perception of what I’m like because of my driving style. It’s far from how I am as a person.”
She smiled, relaxing. “I know. I was just giving you a hard time. How ‘bout a drink?”
I’m not exactly sure if I was thinking, I probably wasn’t, but, Tyler and I had a drink with her. When Tyler left around midnight, I got up to leave, and Nadia reached for my hand.
“Oh, come on, stay for one more?”
“Nadia,” I stood, putting some space between us. “You got the wrong impression here. I’m not that kind of guy and never will be.”
She looked a little confused, then hurt, then maybe a little angry. “Jameson … you’re seriously going to pass this up?”
I turned and looked at her over my shoulder. “Have a good night, Nadia.”
I then tossed a fifty at the bar and left without another glance.
Like I said, these women were never an option. Did I tell Sway about the encounter?
No.
I wasn’t trying to keep something from my wife, but then again, I didn’t want her worrying about something she didn’t need to.
In my mind, I was doing the right thing.
ONCE SEPTEMBER ROLLED around, it was time for Dirt Nationals in Eldora. Fortunately for me, the Cup schedule opened up, and I was able to attend. Sway was with Arie at her dance recital. I’d been to a dance recital, and though I loved watching my little girl and niece dance around like the angels they were, I could only handle so much pink and screaming girls.
So here I was, with my boys. Only problem was, my little guy was extremely temperamental tonight.
After hot laps when the USAC official told me Axel needed to cool it or he’d be suspended, I felt the need to talk to him.
When he pulled the car beside me, slammed his helmet against the side of his car and kicked the left rear tire, I intervened.
“What’s with you?”
“Nothing,” he snorted. “Nothing is wrong.”
“Bullshit.”
My little guy was a typical eleven-year-old these days, hormonal and aggressive, just like his dad. Laughing, I pulled him with me toward the concession stands.
“C’mon buddy, let’s get you a beer or something.”
Axel ended up calming down after inhaling about three hotdogs and begging for that beer (which he never received). Sway made it before the feature events began and then ended up having to leave when Arie puked all over her. This left me alone with Axel, Casten, and, of course, Lily who refused to go anywhere if Axel wasn’t with her.
“Keep an eye on him,” Sway told me as I carried Arie to the car, who had apparently been sick all day but wanted to see Axel race. “He seems... like his dad tonight.”
“I know,” I grinned and kissed her and Arie goodbye. “We should be home sometime after midnight, I assume.”
When I got back to Axel’s pit, two USAC officials had separated him and Payton, another quarter midget driver.
“What the hell happened?”
Casten laughed. “Axel punched Payton.”
I turned toward Axel, who was sitting next to his race car, nursing a bloody lip. “Why would you do that?”
He shrugged and leaned his head against his arms resting on his knees. “I just... did.”
On the way back home that night I got out of him what I feared would someday happen. He was defending me. “Payton said you didn’t deserve to win all those championships.”
“Don’t pay any mind to Payton,” I told him. I knew it wasn’t Payton Raymond saying that. It was his dad. No twelve-year-old knew who deserved a championship and who didn’t.
“It’s not easy, is it?” he asked when we pulled down our long driveway.
“What’s not easy?”
His mirror-like green eyes focused on mine. That same determination, that same fire I had flashed through him. “Being the son of a legend.”
“I suppose it isn’t.” I never thought that Axel would feel the same way I did growing up, and I wasn’t prepared for that. But there was no way for him to avoid it. Now he not only had to face the same pressures I did, but his were amplified by the fact that both his father and grandfather had revolutionized the sport. Here he was, just a kid, trying to step into the shoes. It wasn’t easy for any driver, let alone the son of two of the greatest racers of our time.
I thought for sure Sway would have freaked out looking at his black eye, but no, she just smiled and looked down at him. “How’d that work out for you? Did it go as planned?”
Axel being the smartass he responded, “Actually, yes. Thanks for asking.”
AT SOME POINT in your career you’d ask yourself if you were happy. Up until now, I hadn’t had to even question it. I was happy with my career. I was doing what I loved, and my family was still a part of that. My boys were tearing it up in the USAC divisions, and my sprint car team was a force to be reckoned with.
The question came for me when the off-season hit and our eleven-year anniversary came around. Last year, for our ten-year, we were in New York for the championship ceremonies, and though it was nice, New York wasn’t us. Sway and I needed alone time. With the way my schedule was for the off-season, I wasn’t sure where that alone time could come in because, once again, the championship week was the same week as our anniversary. Having come in fourth this year, I had certain obligations for the season.
It wasn’t even the day that we were trying to celebrate; neither of us minded celebrating another day, but it was just the fact that there wasn’t any free time. So this left us with the week after Christmas. The only problem was I was again scheduled to be in Grand Rapids for my sprint car team. I was working on a few new sponsors and needed to tie up a few loose ends with them.
The morning I left, Sway encouraged me as she always did.
“Good luck,” she said enthusiastically to me. Her face was hidden by the dark curtain of her mahogany hair as she tried to sew a button back on one of Casten’s shirts. “I don’t know why I try. I can’t even thread the goddamn needle.”
Chuckling, I leaned down to kiss the side of her neck. “I’m sure my mom can help you. She used to do that sort of thing all the time.”
“Yeah, I’ll ask her. She’s coming over tonight anyway to drop off some new merchandise for you to approve.”
“Right. I forgot about that.”
“Make sure you update that Twitter thing, too.”
“What?”
“Twitter. Emma set you up with a Twitter page.”
I must have had a complete “What the fuck?” look because she just continued to stare at me as I stared at her.
“I think it’s something like Facebook, only not as personal … or something. Ask Axel, he has one,” she looked up at me. “But I closely monitor that. I don’t want any creepos following my baby around.”
“He just turned twelve. He’s hardly a baby anymore,” I sighed, looking at my phone again. I didn’t like the sound of this new stalker site. “When did he get this Twatter thing?”
“Twitter, Jameson, and he’s had it for a few years. He has a huge following. It helps with his fans.”
I knew Axel had fans. Little girls screaming his name like they were at a boy band concert, constantly surrounded his pit; the younger USAC drivers wanted to be friends with him. Whereas I was an asshole at his age, Axel was friendly to his fans and loved the attention he got.
“So what do I do with it?”
Sway took my phone and opened the Twitter application Emma had apparently installed. “There.” She handed it back to me. Looking down at my phone, I looked at what she wrote.
@JamesonRiley Heading to Grand Rapids with my team
“Why in the world would you write that?” I was outraged she would go against my privacy. “Now these assholes are going to stalk me.”
“Like they don’t already... it’s a way for your fans to get a more personal experience.”
“What about my personal experience?”
This just seemed like some invasion of privacy, and my wife had something to do with it. Traitor.
Clicking on the profile button, I noticed I had close to one hundred thousand followers. “How did all these people know I had this thing?”
“It was announced on your website. Do you pay attention in any of the meetings we’ve had regarding the public relations side of Simplex Racing or JAR Racing?”
“I do. I just didn’t understand what Twatter was. I thought maybe... let’s say I was completely off base.”
Sway smirked and stood up to walk into the kitchen. “It’s Twitter, not Twatter. You’re going to be late.”
Right, I was supposed to leave. “I should be home in a few days.”
“All right,” she turned and wrapped her arms tightly around my neck. “I’ll miss you.”
I breathed in deeply, trying to hold on to her scent, making the few moments of alone time we had last before my lifestyle interrupted it. “I’ll miss you, too, honey.”
I said goodbye to the kids after that. They were all out back on the track. Lexi and Arie were the flaggers, and the boys were all racing. It took a great deal of effort to get Axel to actually get out of the car, but eventually I did and was on my way to Grand Rapids.
That’s when it hit me. In between the moments where Tommy had nothing to say, I thought of Sway. I was questioning how happy I was with this entire situation.
I was thirty-four years old now. How long would this be okay with me? Or her? Would she really want this lifestyle forever?
Sway supported me through everything. Even when I wouldn’t have agreed with myself, she supported me.
“Hey, Tommy,” turning toward him, he looked over at me.
“What?”
“Would you be able to handle the meeting with QT?”
“Yeah—why?”
“I need to... I want to spend some time with Sway.”
When we landed in Grand Rapids, Tommy went on to the meeting while I flew right back to Mooresville.
Arriving home shortly before ten that night, Sway was in the movie room with the kids watching a movie. She nearly pissed her pants when I said hello.
“Holy shit!” she screeched along with the kids.
“You’re home ...” the kids were enthusiastic, as was Sway.
“I thought you were in Grand Rapids,” she said, moving across the room to stand in front of me.
I chuckled.
“Tommy went for me,” I moved closer, my arms wrapping around her waist. “He told me to tell you that you owe him a box of Krispy Kreme donuts.”
“Oh, well that’s definitely worth seeing you.”
My mom came in the room behind me. “I’m here!”
“What are you doing here?” Sway asked her curiously.
Mom giggled. “I’m watching the kids while you guys get some alone time.”
“We leave for Jacksonville Beach in the morning.” Reaching down, I picked her up bridal style. “But for now....” I left my mom with the kids, giggling in the movie room, as I carried Sway up to our room.
“Thank you,” she whispered against my lips with more urgency than I expected. “I needed this. I shaved my legs, I’m wearing a bra, and I look like a fucking lady so take me to dinner.”
“As did I, honey, and by all means, let’s go to dinner.”
I checked out those shaved legs, removed the bra, and took my fucking lady to dinner.
I wasn’t sure I was ready for retirement yet, as racing was too important to me. But I was ready for a little relief. Tommy had expressed interest in taking over more responsibility with JAR Racing, so that was an option. We had enough help that I could easily step back and just race Cup and help out with Axel’s racing. Sometimes you needed to back-out at times—to reevaluate and think about what’s important. For me, that was this family and the woman currently in my arms.
I enjoyed the road and my lifestyle for the most part, but there were times, late at night, when I thought maybe where there was loneliness there would soon be adaption. What if I came home one day and it didn’t seem as though my family missed me? What if they learned to deal with my absence and eventually had a life without me?