Panhard Bar – A lateral bar that keeps the rear tires centered within the body. It connects the car on one side and the rear axle on the other. This can also be called the track bar.
Over the years, I’d like to think I’d grown just as much as this sport. It was time to mend with Paul. It wasn’t fair being teammates now to have that sort of hostility. With everything that had happened in our sport over the last few months with the plane crash, I couldn’t have a racing relationship like this with Paul.
Turned out, my dad took my recommendations despite my arguments with Paul over the years and hired him as the third driver for Riley-Simplex Racing. Bobby transferred to another team this year while Paul Leighty took his position.
“I don’t say this very often so believe me when I say it... I’m sorry,” I said to Paul one night after the June All-Star race.
Paul laughed, walking with me to our cars. On races like this, we just drove to Charlotte since it was such a short drive back to Mooresville.
“I wish I recorded that.”
“Fuck you,” I laughed. “You’re never getting another one. Ask Kyle. I think I’ve said it to him one time.”
Paul nodded but remained smiling. “I’ve never met someone like you before, Jameson,” he said conversationally.
“I assume that’s a good thing?”
He snorted. “It can be when I’m on your good side. I will say this....” He paused, closing the trunk of his car after tossing his bag in it. Leaning against the bumper, he looked past me toward the track. “You’re one of the only drivers I know in any division who knows exactly when to turn on the aggression and when to turn it off.”
I thought about his statement for a minute, decided it was actually true, and smiled. “It didn’t come without practice,” I said with a stoic seriousness that even Paul remained focused on.
Every driver who was in the series around 2003 remembers the problems with Darrin and me. They also remember I nearly walked away that season because of him.
If it hadn’t been for Sway, I would have.
WHEN I GOT home that night, Sway was waiting for me, receptive as always and welcomed me in ways I found extremely satisfying.
The next morning, though, she made me do something I’d hoped I would never had to do as a father.
The sex talk.
“Jameson, I’m serious, you need to talk to Axel about it.”
It wasn’t a request either. She had basically told me I was doing this.
“I don’t think so... it can wait. They’re only sixteen. I doubt they’re ready for that.”
Sway slapped me. “Are you a fucking idiot?”
I glared, but then looked back to my coffee cup.
“No, I just don’t think they’re doing it.”
That was a lie. I walked in on them, on more than one occasion, with their hands in places they shouldn’t be, and in one instance Lily was straddling him on his bed. At least their clothes were still on?
“And what would make you think that?” she challenged, placing her hands on her hips. “I lost mine at sixteen.”
“I just don’t,” I shrugged. “And if you want me to remain in a good mood the rest of the evening, don’t bring up Dylan Grady again,” I warned.
“You’re cute when you’re jealous,” she laughed.
“I’m dangerous when I’m jealous.”
“Ain’t that the truth.” I reached for her ass while she slapped my hands away.
“We have bigger issues at hand here.”
“Doubt that.”
She turned on her heel sharply and went to the laundry room and pulled his jeans out of the hamper. “Really?”
“So the boy wears jeans ...” I chuckled.
“Jameson!” she yelled and pulled a condom wrapper out of his pocket. It was empty, just the wrapper.
“Well... shit,” was my only intelligent response.
“I don’t think he’s doing anything,” she mocked and stomped away. “Go!” she yelled over her shoulder.
Damn. I should have thought of this sooner. He was young to be sexually active, wasn’t he?
How old was I?
I remembered taking interest in masturbation early on—around twelve I thought. But sex, Christ, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was seventeen. He was sixteen, I was sure he’d thought of it by now.
After some convincing of myself, with some Jack Daniels, I made my way outside to the race shop where I knew Axel was.
Of course, Lily was in there with him, sitting on the counter while he was standing in front of her, between her legs, with his hands in places they shouldn’t be.
I chuckled when they jumped away from each other.
“Axel,” I smirked, sensing he was uncomfortable. “Can I talk to you for a minute, alone?”
He nodded, and Lily scrambled away.
“Sorry,” she mumbled, passing by.
“Don’t be sorry,” I told her. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
She smiled, pink flushed cheeks and slipped out the side door.
They didn’t do anything wrong. They were kids and having natural reactions to their bodies. It wasn’t wrong for them to feel this way. It was completely normal.
Axel fumbled with a spring off his sprint car. “What’s up, Dad?”
I chuckled nervously. I had no clue what to say to him.
When I was thirteen, my dad had the talk with me sometime after we came home from Mexico, and he caught me speed bleeding to a picture of Sway in a bikini.
His advice: “Stop spending all your time bleeding your pressure value and take the girl on a date.”
I never did, well, until much later. Jimi thrived on embarrassing the hell out of me in situations like that and told my mom, Sway, and Spencer at the fucking dining room table that he caught me. I made it a personal note to wreck the bastard the next time we were on the track together back then and I did.
Anyway, back to the nervous teen sitting in front of me. Poor kid, he was sweating profusely.
“So, buddy... I, uh... wanted to talk to you about something,” I leaned against the side of his sprint car.
“Yeah... I kind of figured that.”
“Do you know why?” I hedged.
“Yeah... I think I do.” He sighed and buried his head in his hands. “About Lily and me and ...” he motioned south.
I had to laugh when his cheeks turned pink. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed by, buddy.”
“I know, I just... I don’t... urggg... this is so stupid,” he groaned, leaning his head back so it was resting against the side of the tire. He reached up and tugged at the ends of his hair.
“What’s stupid?”
“I don’t know what I’m doing, did you?”
Another laugh. “Not really... have you had sex with her?”
All the color left his face instantly as he gaped at me in horror.
“I, um... eh... what?” he stammered.
“Are you already having sex with her?” I asked again, trying to avoid any type of reaction that might scare him.
It took him a while, but eventually he answered with a nod of his head.
“So... are you using protection?”
Again, he nodded. I could tell he wanted to ask me something, but he was afraid. “Do you have any questions about it?”
His eyes that were fixated on the spring in his hand again slowly met mine.
“What was uh... your first time like?”
Wow, wasn’t expecting that question, but the poor kid was looking for advice so I decided to be honest as I always was with him.
“My first time was conceivably a mistake and with the wrong girl,” I chuckled. “It was over pretty quick, I remember that much.”
“How old were you?”
“Seventeen, almost eighteen.”
“Do you think I’m too young?”
“Yes... and no... I know you love Lily, and I know she loves you. I also know that she’s not in it for the fame, and she’s a good girl for you.”
He smiled lightly. “I do love her.”
“That’s all that matters then, treat her right.”
After a few moments of silence, I thought my work here was done when he spoke again.
“Dad, um... is it normal not to last very long? Is that bad? Am I doing something wrong?”
“Oh, it’s normal all right,” I chuckled. “It’s just not very pleasurable for the girl.”
“How do you know... last longer?”
“Dirty engine talking.”
“What?” He looked at me with a blank expression.
Jesus, shut up, I told myself.
It was clear I was in over my head.
Is this appropriate? I thought to myself.
Shit, where was Sway when I needed her? Or Spencer. I know he’d had to have this conversation with Lane by now.
“Well,” I began, still glancing around the room as though someone was going to rescue me at any moment. “With practice it gets easier to hold back. Listen.” I sighed. “I feel weird giving you advice about this sort of thing, but I’d rather you get it from me than someone else, especially your moron uncles. How does Lily feel about this? Did you pressure her into this?”
“No,” he answered immediately. “Not at all....” His eyes once again sunk to the spring he was holding. “We were at Williams Grove a couple weeks ago when you guys were in Darlington... after the race Justin let us go out to get some dinner. When we got back, he had left us a note saying he’d be back later. I was ready to go to bed, but Lily, she wanted to try having sex. She’s been wanting to for a while, and she wanted me to be her first. We’ve done everything else, so I thought it was time to do it,” he shrugged. “It was over in like a minute, and I was embarrassed, really embarrassed. We tried it again a couple weeks later, and the same thing. I know it’s supposed to be pleasurable for her, but I can’t last long enough. Is that bad?”
Noticeably, I was not prepared for this. I was sweating worse than him now.
“Like I said, it gets easier to control yourself,” I choked out. “Axel, buddy, you need to be careful, okay?” He only nodded. “You don’t want to be a dad this soon... everything you’ve worked for would put on hold, you know that, right?”
“I do; she’s on birth control and I used a condom.”
“Okay, well good.”
“Did you have sex with a lot of woman before you met mom?”
“What?” it was my turn for the color to drain from my face. “Axel, have you had sex before Lily?” I asked, alarmed and feeling like a horrible parent for not knowing my son was sexually active.
His face turned a shade darker than his red sprint car. “I, uh... shit,” he sighed.
“Damn, kid,” I laughed. “I’m really late at this, huh?”
“I wanted to tell you... but I thought you guys would be mad at me.”
“Why would we be mad at you?”
“I don’t know... I just thought you would be.”
“How many?”
I was almost afraid to know the answer now judging by my own background, and I knew the way women acted around race car drivers, let alone the kid and grandson of two well-known racers.
“Just one... you remember Shaylee, right?” I nodded, remembering the girl in Ohio we met at the Chili Bowl earlier in the year. She reminded me of Chelsea, and I distinctly remembered warning Axel about her. “It was awful, and she told everyone about it, including Lily.
“How’d Lily deal with that?”
“She cried... that’s the night we had sex for the first time.”
This was worse than I thought.
“Okay, so you slept with another chick and then told your girlfriend about it and took her virginity the same night you told her?” I slapped the back of his head. “What the fuck is the matter with you, taking lessons from me?”
“I hurt her... I felt awful. I don’t even know why I did it... I wanted it to be with Lily, but she didn’t want to at the time, and Shaylee did.”
“Think with your head, kid, not your dick.”
He chuckled sarcastically. “Thanks for the late advice.”
“Hey,” I said defensively. “I had no idea you were sexually active, or wanting to be.”
“Really?” His eyebrow arched in question. “Are you an idiot? Do you not even realize how much time I spend in the bathroom or touching Lily? I’m all over the poor girl. I think I remember you actually walking in on us.”
“Oh, I saw... but I didn’t think you were acting on it. If I remember, your clothes were at least on.”
“It’s a little hard not to think about sex when girls throw themselves in your lap after races, and Lily, well she’s innocent,” he groaned. “I can’t believe how bad I messed this up with her.”
“What do you mean? I saw you guys when I came inside.”
“I’m trying to convince her I love her and that I am sorry. I never meant to hurt her. It’s like the only reason she wanted to have sex with me was because she thought that’s what I wanted. This is so messed up and not what I need right now.”
“Story of my life... do you know how long it took for me to figure things out with your mom?”
He shook his head. “I met mom when I was eleven, completely infatuated with her, but thought it was only physical attraction... anyway, we did the whole friends with benefits thing after I pretty much slept with every woman who was thrown my direction. Broke your mom’s heart, and then finally, when I was twenty-three, I wised up and realized how much I loved her.”
“So you slept around a lot.”
My turn to groan, “More than I care to admit; don’t do it by the way.”
“I don’t plan on it. Shaylee assured me of that. I didn’t feel anything but disgust afterward.” He was silent for a few minutes. “What should I say to Lily?”
“For one, don’t lie to her, ever,” I warned. “They don’t like that. And don’t sleep around. If you’re serious about Lily, which I think you are, treat her right. Tell her how you feel, and if she’s not ready to have sex anymore, don’t pressure her.”
“I didn’t. Like I said, Dad, she practically attacked me!” he said defensively.
“Regardless, sex complicates things sometimes.”
“You’re telling me.”
“Don’t be stupid either. Keep using protection. I’m not ready to be a grandpa. I can’t even handle you three, let alone another you running around.”
“Really?” he challenged. “It’s not me you need to worry about.”
He had a point there. Arie was the troublemaker, and the fact that I thought she was an angel made it worse. Casten, well he could potentially be a problem, but at his age, we still had time to steer him in another direction.
When I walked back inside the house, Sway was sitting on the kitchen floor with a bowl and a spoon eating fudge she’d just made before it settled. “Please tell me he’s not a man now?” she wailed, her tears mixing with the chocolate over her lips.
“I wouldn’t say he’s a man, but....” I let my voice trail off, trying to tell her without telling her.
“Oh God!” she cried out, stuffing another spoonful of fudge in her mouth.
Sitting down beside her, she offered me a spoonful of fudge, which I took. It’d been a rough day. “I probably should have talked to him sooner.”
“Go talk to Casten about it, right now!” she ordered.
“Honey, he’s twelve... I—”
She held up her hand. “You’re in no position to decide that, now are you?”
“Point taken,” I grumbled, hoisting myself up from the tile floor. “But you’re talking to Arie about sex. I can’t do that.”
“I already have.”
“She just turned fourteen!”
“Yeah, but it’s important. Besides, she was curious because Lexi started her period when we were shopping one day. It was a fucking disaster! I had to explain, since she thought Lexi was dying.”
“You couldn’t just say that once a month you bleed?”
“I’d rather educate her on it,” she shrugged, pouring hot water into the fudge bowl. I leaned against the counter and sighed. This parenting shit was hard, exhausting work. “I mean, my dad just told me that he wasn’t qualified for that sort of thing. I ended up having to ask the kid behind the counter at the Texaco in town how to use the goddamn tampons.”
“Who the hell was the kid, and why didn’t you ask my mom?”
She pushed me down the hall. “It doesn’t matter. Go talk to Casten.”
Let me tell you something about Casten. Everything was funny to him. He was just like Sway in that regard, but worse. It might not be funny at all, but Casten would laugh. When he was little, he used to think that if you screamed in pain, that was funny. So after my conversation with Axel, my wife’s nervous breakdown, and finding out my fourteen-year-old daughter already knew about the align boring process, I wasn’t really in the mood to be talking about this with my twelve-year-old son, who would more than likely laugh at me.
Casten was outside with Cole and Lane setting up new jumps for their dirt bikes.
He wanted to show me a new jump they made so we walked toward the back of the property while Lane and Cole continued with the track.
“Why are you sweating?” Casten asked, kicking dirt around.
“It’s hot out here.”
“No it’s not. It’s like sixty.”
“It is too hot,” I stopped walking and looked over at him. “I need to talk to you about something.”
His eyes widened in panic. “I told her I’d buy her a phone.”
“What?”
“Arie... I told her I’d replace her phone,” his eyes scrunched. “Wait a second, what did she tell you?”
“Nothing, but now I want to know. What did you do to her phone?”
“Nothing.” He laughed lightly before tossing the rock he’d picked up and sat down on the bleachers we installed last summer.
“Bullshit,” I sat next to him and leaned back.
He held out his hand for money.
“I don’t think so. You’re not five any longer, and you cuss worse than I do.”
He smiled. “What did you want to talk about?”
I thought about my approach for a moment.
Tommy was out on the track with the boys before he fell down and then just laid there and looked up at the sky as though that was a comfortable spot to lay. Only problem was he was right under the double jump they had out there. That’s when he brought the spray bottle to his mouth again.
“I’m beginning to think that spray bottle is not water.”
Casten tipped his head as if he was looking closer. “Nope. It’s vodka.”
I nodded and then decided on my speech for my youngest.
“So, um, well... I... have you had the birds and the bees talk in school?”
Like I expected, he started laughing.
“Geez, Dad, you look like you’re about to have a heart attack,” he laughed again before I pushed him off the bleachers.
He landed on his ass, still laughing.
“Don’t have an aneurysm,” he chuckled.
“Just answer the question,” I huffed, wanting to end this.
Casten loved fucking with people. He lived for it.
“Birds ‘n’ bees, huh?” He smirked. “I’m not sure I know that term.”
He wanted me to say it, and I refused to. But then again, I’d be here all night if I didn’t.
“Sex, do you know about it or not?”
Once again, he laughed.
“Was that so hard?” he teased.
“If you want to continue living in my house, you’ll stop making fun of me,” I snapped.
He thought this over for a moment.
“Fine.” His amused eyes met mine briefly before his cheeks flushed. “And, yeah... Lane told me. Logan may have said something once, too.”
This could be bad. “And what did he tell you?”
“He said... uh, that you do it when you love someone.”
“Anything else?”
“Always wear a condom.”
“Good.”
I’d have to thank Lane and Logan for this one. I couldn’t understand why this was so hard for me but easy for him. I mean, Christ, he was twelve. My parents never had this conversation with me. I walked in on Spencer and a girl when I was twelve and put a few things together from there, but anything else I learned from his porno stash and health class. I guess I thought my kids would do the same. I never anticipated actually having to talk with them about it.
“You’re not having sex, are you?”
He gave me this blank stare.
“I know you’re eleven... or twelve... or whatever,” I ran the heels of my hands over my eyes. “I just want to make sure you’re safe.”
“Just so you know my real age, Dad, I’m twelve,” he replied, looking up at me as though I was completely crazy.
“So that’s a no?”
“That’s disgusting.” He shook his head and side-eyed me. “I’m not going to have sex. I don’t even like girls.”
“Come talk to me when you’re fourteen, and I guarantee that will change.”
“Doubt that.”
“I think I’ll bet you on that. I bet you five hundred dollars by the time you’re fourteen, you’ll spend the majority of your time in the bathroom.”
“Why, will I be constipated or something?”
“No, you’ll be distracted by something.”
“Well, then I will stay eleven... or... twelve,” he acted as though this would not be a problem. “And deal on the five hundred. I could use some extra cash these days.”
I laughed. “Now back to Arie’s phone ...”
“Shit,” he muttered with another laugh.
SWAY FREAKED OUT about Axel being sexually active. She knew after my conversations with her, but the dumbass got careless and left his bedroom door unlocked one afternoon that summer. Needless to say, Sway walked in on them. I was on my way home from Sonoma when she called crying while eating ice cream.
“What did he say?” I asked when she told me.
“Nothing,” her voice muffled by the full mouth of ice cream. “He didn’t notice me. I saw and immediately closed the door. I didn’t want to see any more than I already had. At least they had blankets on them, so this could have been worse.”
“I’ll talk to him.”
“Okay... when will you be home tonight?”
“Around six, I’ll talk to him then.”
I managed to get her off the phone after that and decided to call Axel on my way home. He was on his way to Lernerville with Tommy.
“Hey, Dad, what’s up?”
“Your mom walked in on you and Lily,” I had no intention of sugar coating it for him. He needed to learn about these things.
He chuckled casually. “That sucks for me, huh?”
“Pretty much.”
“Sorry,” he offered.
“Just lock your door, kid. No one wants to see that, especially your mom.”
“Noted.”
“It better be more than noted, buddy, more like remembered.”
“All right, lock the door.”
“Good, now how was Grand Rapids on Wednesday... you took first in the Silver Crown and Midgets, right?”
“Yeah, something is missing with the sprint program. We’re forty points out of the lead behind Shane, and I just don’t see what we’re doing wrong.”
We got talking about racing after that, and I gave him what pointers I had. More than anyone on this, Tommy was where the brains were—hints why he was always with Axel these days.
When I got home that night, Sway was crying over her children growing up. Casten, who faithfully said goodnight to Sway, went to bed without saying anything to her when he got home from his midget race.
“Let’s have another baby?” she said to me as we laid in bed that night.
“No, I don’t think so,” I told her firmly, rolling away from her. “I’ll get you a puppy.”
“Not the same.”
“Sure it is. And, best of all, they don’t talk back.”
I had a feeling this wasn’t over, but for now, she fell asleep. Poor Sway hated the kids getting older and becoming adults, especially the boys. She wanted to baby them.
I knew how she felt—I hated it, as well. I missed the times when they were babies and learning to speak. Now they talked back, and I could live without that.
“Let’s get away for the weekend.”
“Get away? You’re kidding, right?” He threw his arms up, and papers scattered across his desk with the motion. “Do you not see all this shit?”
“I see it,” my voice was timed, trying not to set him off any more. “I just think you need a break.”
It took me a good week after that to convince Jameson that we needed to get away, but the week after Christmas, he agreed.
We decided to keep it simple and just head to our house that we purchased in the Florida Keys after I had gone there last winter with the girls.
The house was simple, only three bedrooms, but it was right on the water and very romantic.
Knowing how our vacations or trips in general usually went for us, how did you think our time went?
Let’s face it. Jameson and his moronic ideas had gotten us both in our fair share of compromising situations before. Now wasn’t any different.
We got a speeding ticket on the way there because we drove, which was a stupid idea, by the way. I got food poising from some gas station food, and by the time we got to the beach house neither of us was in the mood to do anything besides sleep.
All that ended around three in the morning the next day when I felt better.
I woke him up with a little micro polishing and finished with some of the best press forging we’d ever done.
Jameson sighed against my shoulder, his breathing harsh.
“Jesus Christ, I think I pulled a muscle.”
Laughing, I rolled over on him again. “So, that’s a no on round two?”
“I’ll try, but damn, turning forty has really done a number on me. And I thought thirty was bad.”
“Just imagine when we turn fifty.”
“Oh, dear God, don’t remind me.”
We laid in comfortable silence before he turned toward me, his fingers running over my lips. “I was good at the woo once upon a time.”
“You still are,” I whispered against his lips. “It’s been one hell of a fairytale.”
And that it had been. That weekend we celebrated our seventeenth wedding anniversary, and, as always, Jameson showed me just as much love and woo as he did the first year of our marriage, along with lots of press forging, deburring, reciprocating motions, piston stroking, and some align boring. It was a good time as always.
Returning home, Jameson was stressed, and Speedweek was just around the corner.
As we were sitting in the kitchen at Jimi and Nancy’s house one morning before he left for Daytona, I tried to distract him.
“I think dyno testing cures all. What are your thoughts?”
I couldn’t help but smile as my husband’s head shot up from his phone. “Are you wanting to do a little micro polishing right now? In my parent’s kitchen?” he asked with a smirk.
“Wouldn’t be the first time, would it. Will it make you happy?”
“Fuck, yeah, it would make me happy, but I’d still have all this shit on my mind.”
“What are you guys talking about?” asked Nancy as she walked into the kitchen, holding Logan’s newborn daughter, Madison. Hard to believe the Lucifer twins were of reproducing age.
“I offered to micro polish Jameson’s camshaft to reduce the friction in his engine,” I admitted without shame to Nancy. Glaring, Jameson kicked me under the table.
“Don’t tell my mom that,” he groaned, watching me rub my shin where his foot smacked.
“Oh, sweetie,” Nancy looked confused. “Is the engine in your sprint car running badly?”
So clueless.
“Come on,” Jameson ordered, pulling me outside and to the car. “No more teasing me.”
And just like that, I was showing my dirty heathen a good time again.
Regardless of his mood, I knew my husband and always knew how to make his life a little easier, even if it was just bleeding his pressure valve at times.
As I’d said, Sway had a hard time with the boys getting older and becoming adults. When a twelve-year-old Casten came home with his first girlfriend, I, for one, was five hundred dollars richer, and Sway was a basket case again.
My own nervous breakdown came when Arie got her first broken heart.
Being a father was hard, evidenced by the gray hairs I kept pulling out. And being a father to a fifteen-year-old girl was so much worse than boys.
I rubbed my forehead, ignoring my ringing phone until I realized it was Sway. Immediately I picked it up.
While I was in Talladega, Sway was in Knoxville with Axel and Casten. Arie was with Emma and Lexi at home.
“What’s up, honey?” We’d just gotten off the phone with each other so I was surprised she called again so soon since I was on my way to Knoxville to see them.
“I need you to go home instead,” she told me.
“Why, what’s wrong?”
“Arie....” She sighed. “Emma called. Arie locked herself in the bathroom. She’s been crying for the last four hours. She wants you.”
Me? She never wants me. She never wants anyone.
Sway and I never smothered our kids. If they wanted to talk about something, they came to us. This had its downsides. Arie was the downside.
Axel was our levelheaded kid, patient and thought things through, most of the time. Casten was out of fucking control most of the time, but he was a good kid and happy, so that was all we could ask for. I did wonder where he got all his energy, but then I looked at Emma and Spencer and chalked it up to something he may have inherited from them.
Arie, well, she was secretive. If she wanted you to know, she’d tell you. If not, you’d never know.
This was why we weren’t aware she even had a boyfriend.
I did not like the idea of her having a boyfriend, for the simple fact that I was a teenage boy once, and all I thought about, aside from racing, was my dick. I wondered how the hell my parents put up with Spencer, Emma, and me as kids.
So I went home instead of to Knoxville to deal with Arie and this mysterious boyfriend.
When I walked inside, Emma was on my couch eating ice cream.
“She’s in her bathroom.”
I slapped the back of her head when I walked past. “That shit will make you fat.”
“Fuck off, asshole,” she mumbled with another spoonful of ice cream.
Making my way up the stairs to her room, I could hear her crying from outside the door.
“Arie,” I tapped lightly. “Sweetie, it’s Dad.”
“Go away!”
“Nah, I think I need to come in there.”
It took me about an hour to get her to finally open the door. When she did, she was sitting on the floor next to the tub with the sleeves of her sweatshirt drawn over her hands, her face against her arms and her knees pulled up to her chest, crying.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
She didn’t say anything before she showed me her cell phone with a picture of said boyfriend, kissing Shaylee, that same girl Axel knew.
Sighing, I sat down next to her. “Who’s the guy?”
“Ricky Hagen,” she answered softly, her tears coming once again. “I thought he... after we... well now apparently that meant nothing.”
Her phone cracked under my hands. That motherfucker.
“Dad, you broke my phone!” she ripped it from my hands, only to have it fall apart. “Damn it, I just got that one.”
I tried to remain calm and collected and not like I wanted to find this asshole kid and show him just how scary Jameson Riley could be. Stupid little shit.
Arie moved closer to me, her head resting on my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Dad. I know I’m too young for this sort of thing.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Arie. He did. He’s clearly an asshole, and you can do better than that.”
“Why do all the guys go for the sluts?”
How the hell did I answer that one?
I thought I knew how Sway might have felt knowing I slept around before her, but hearing those words from my daughter made it that much more real to me. I was just like Ricky when I was his age. I went for who was easy and less likely to have strings attached. Ricky was a racer, too, as he was more than likely playing by those same rules.
Rules I didn’t want my little girl knowing even existed, but they did.
“There’s not much I can offer you on that, sweetheart. Guys are jerks. Do you want me to beat him up?”
“No, you’ll get arrested. Besides….” She smiled softly, her green eyes brighter from her tears. “Kale broke his nose anyway.”
“Kale.... Justin’s boy?”
“Yeah, he’s a nice kid.”
A small laugh escaped me before I threw my arm around her. “Good for him.” I honestly didn’t think that little runt had it in him. “It doesn’t make the pain go away, though, does it?” I remembered comforting Sway this very same way when that jerk off Dylan Grady broke her heart and hated the similarities my kids were now facing with their own lives.
She shook her head. “No. I just want to be grown up now.” I watched her brush some hair behind her ear, her face one of sadness and resignation. She clearly believed this pain would hurt forever.
“Don’t rush it,” I told her. “When your childhood is gone, it’s gone forever. You can’t get it back.”
“Mom says I’ll remember, though.”
“Yeah... you will, but just live for now. That’s something I never did.”
“You’ve always lived this lifestyle, haven’t you?”
I nodded. “I have, but it’s what I wanted.”
“Do you ever think of retiring and spending more time with Mom?”
“I think of spending more time with your mom, but not about retiring. Racing is what I love. And I love your mom and you kids, but racing for me is much more than I can ever explain. Mom understands that.”
Arie and I sat there for close to an hour before she said she was tired and went to bed. Making my way downstairs, I checked my phone to see when Sway would be home.
Emma was still on the couch, now watching Top Gun.
I threw myself down in one of the leather chairs across from her, glaring at the television on the wall. “I hate teenage boys.”
“That would mean you hate yourself. You act like a teenage boy,” Emma replied, gazing at Tom Cruise on the screen.
“Don’t you have a home to go to?”
“Yeah, but my asshole sons are there with their stupid girlfriends.”
“Don’t like the Double Mint twins?”
“Fuck no,” Emma sighed, her eyes remaining on Tom Cruise. “Fake little bitches.”
Charlie and Noah were dating twins. They were blonde, annoyingly superficial twins who nearly everyone in the family couldn’t stand.
Apparently Charlie and Noah could, though.
“Am I still cool?” I asked, kicking my legs over the ottoman. “I used to be cool.”
I wasn’t sure why I asked Emma. I knew she’d give me a response I didn’t want, but I asked anyway.
“No, you’re not cool. You’re old,” Emma replied with no regard to my feelings.
Grabbing the remote, I turned off the television. “Go watch TV with the Double Mint twins then.”
“You’re an asshole, too!” she yelled after me as I stomped back up the stairs. “Just remember, mall appearances!”
Emma was constantly threatening me with mall appearances knowing I had a phobia about malls. It was nearly as bad as my phobia about sand on my skin.
Later that night when Sway got home, I pulled the boys aside.
“Axel, do you know this Ricky Hagen kid?”
“Yeah, he races USAC Midgets on the Western circuit,” he looked confused. “Why?”
“Apparently he broke Arie’s heart.”
Axel looked at me and then Casten. “Did you know about this?”
Casten’s brow furrowed. “I knew she liked him, but no, I didn’t know much else.”
“I need to talk with this kid,” I told them.
“Apparently we do, too,” the boys said, walking upstairs into Arie’s room.
There was one good thing about my kids, they stuck together. About a year ago now, Axel had gotten into a fairly bad wreck in Terra Haute that landed him in the hospital overnight. Arie and Casten never left his side.
“They’re good kids,” Sway said, closing the door to Arie’s room; all three kids were on her bed watching a movie.
“I can’t believe she fell for a racer.”
Sway smiled. “Did you really expect anything less? Look at her family.”
“Did you hear Kale broke Ricky’s nose?”
“Actually I was there when it happened. Kale sure does have a thing for Arie.”
“Great,” I groaned. “Now I have to hate Justin.”
“And how do you think he feels about you? Your son took his only daughter’s virginity.”
“Don’t say it like that. That sounds horrible.”
“I’m not going to sugar coat it for you.”
No, Sway never sugar coated it for me. Throughout our entire lives together, she told me the way it was. I needed that. Too bad parenthood wasn’t that way. I needed sugar coating on that, I couldn’t handle this whole truth shit.
It sucked seeing them get older and making the same mistakes you made, but it would hurt if you never got to see that. You couldn’t tell them what to be or how they should act. You had to let them be who they wanted to be. When they became their own person—that was what made you a proud parent. All that shit you didn’t want to know became worth it because you did something right.
You raised your kids to be their own person.