Corner Weights – This is the distribution of a car’s weight among the four wheels. Managing corner weights is very important to handling.
“And Merry Christmas to you, too... Axel Charles Riley.” Jameson placed another kiss on his tiny forehead.
Axel let out an adorable little whimper and snuggled closer to me.
The nurses had taken off his oxygen so we were finally able to cuddle him without tubes in the way, and all I wanted to do was snuggle with my boys on Christmas.
My boys.
When I looked back at my life this time last year, everything about it was different.
I wasn’t lying in the arms of my dirty heathen, and I wasn’t holding our newborn son. Even though it’d only been a year, a lot could and had changed in that year.
In 365 days, 52 weeks, 8,765 hours, or 525,948 minutes your life could change completely.
What you once believed in, you didn’t anymore. What you once loved, maybe you didn’t anymore. What you never thought was possible had suddenly became possible in those 365 days, 52 weeks, 8,765 hours, or in those 525,948 minutes of the best and worst year of your life.
“I can’t believe we’re parents now,” I said softly, leaning my head against his chest.
Listening to his steady, slow breathing I traced the planes of his chest, remembering what we had been through to get to right now. It may have been one of the best years and the worst years of my life mended together, but the reality of it was this—lying in a hospital bed with my dirty heathen and my flailing adorable spaz.
I was one proud Mama Wizard.
Jameson stroked my face. “Me either... I’m actually a little worried about it. We don’t have a clue what we’re doing,” he told me with a wary expression he’d had a lot these last few days.
The truth was—we didn’t have a clue.
I glanced over at the parenting books on the metal tray next to me.
“We should read those.” I looked up at him, and I almost burst out laughing at his expression of complete disgust.
He groaned.
“Those books don’t make any sense. Who wrote them anyway?” His eyebrow arched. “I bet they don’t even have kids.”
“Did you even read them?”
“Well... kind of,” he grinned. “I’m more of a hands on type of guy.” He leaned back against the bed with his fingers linked behind his head and an amused look on his face.
“Since you’re so hands on… ” I handed him the baby. “I think he needs a diaper change.”
You could literally see the blood drain from his face.
“I haven’t had to change him yet... Mom did it earlier and then the nurse.”
“You said you were hands on... get to it.”
He took Axel in his arms gingerly. “Seriously?”
“Yes... I can’t get up.”
Jameson had this look on his face as if I’d just asked him to commit a murder with me. Slowly, he turned on his heel and placed the baby on the changing table.
I could get up, but I was being lazy, not to mention I felt similar to that Michelin Tire guy, the only difference being my rolls were fat, and his were tires… I think.
I couldn’t believe how everything turned to a jelly-like substance after the baby came out. Why couldn’t that just come out with the baby? This was something I’d never understand I guess. Now I understood why plastic surgeons were so busy with tummy tucks.
“Where are your diapers, little man?” Jameson asked Axel in the cutest voice I think I’d ever heard him use.
Axel simply let out a whimper again but didn’t cry as Jameson began to change his diaper, all the while providing the baby with a commentary of what he was doing, which I found incredibly endearing.
Watching my husband with our son was probably right up there with feeling him touch my stomach while I was pregnant. I felt unbelievably close to him now.
All those years of being his pit lizard, I was so much more now.
Jameson, as though he could hear my thoughts, tilted his head at me with a wink.
I giggled when he held Axel up, and the blanket fell off, leaving him in just his diaper, blinking at Jameson. I almost said, “Hey, look, he blinks!”
“What are you doing?”
“Putting clothes on him.”
“It’d help if you actually had clothes—that’s a receiving blanket.”
Jameson held up the blanket, examining it. “Well, no wonder I couldn’t find the arm holes.”
I giggled again and reached for the parenting books.
Our families stayed away that night and let us enjoy our baby together, alone. The nurse insisted we shouldn’t sleep with the baby, in fear we’d squish him.
Did we listen? No, we slept in bed together, all three of us.
Being a mother was something incredible.
Aside from the physical abuse they put you through in the beginning, oh, and the late night cravings, and the smells of awful gas that you thought could never come from you. There was also the bloating, the gaining weight, mood swings, swelling, tiredness... should I continue?
And then you have labor that quite literally made me rethink my gender selection.
What the fuck went wrong there?
Regardless, after that horrendous experience, you were handed this child. A brand new child. A child who had never experienced all the wrong that could happen in the world.
I’d heard people tell me that the child you had was the one you were meant to.
Did the child know that?
Or was it something where when they were assigning parental units, he got the short stick?
I honestly didn’t think he would have chosen me willingly.
All that aside, I was handed a baby and expected not to ruin him.
I also couldn’t understand why they didn’t come with a manual. A car, any electronic device, hell, even my toaster came with a fucking manual. Why couldn’t a child?
So there you were... sweating like a pro wrestler and staring down at this tiny child who drew the short stick, hoping he couldn’t sense the fear. And then their eyes opened, and you saw all those fears slip away.
After all, they were new. There was plenty of time to brainwash them into thinking you did know what you were doing.
THE NEXT MORNING our families arrived. This was another scenario where the result was not at all positive.
Five minutes after Alley and Spencer arrived with Lane, Jameson and Spencer were arguing about a football game on the TV, Alley was holding Axel and cooing non-stop to the point where it was actually annoying me, and Lane was being the cool little dude he was and making sure I had everything I needed. That part was enjoyable.
“Do you need ice?” he asked, ready to run to get it.
I looked at the full pitcher of ice and smiled at him. “You know... I think I could use a little more, buddy.”
He smiled, and off he went to find more.
What was not enjoyable was the fact that I just wanted to sleep in my own bed. I had also started breastfeeding, and Axel, being just like Jameson in every possible way, wanted to eat non-stop.
Shit went south when Emma showed up with a stuffed cougar for Axel. Jameson kicked her out, which damn near caused a fistfight between him and Aiden and then Spencer got involved. All three of them had to be escorted out by security.
Tommy, holding a bundle of flowers, stopped by as Jameson chatted with security.
Leaning forward, he kissed my forehead and snuck a glance at the baby in Alley’s arms.
“He sure is cute.”
“Thanks.” I smiled up at him, adjusting my blankets. Tommy was not seeing the foodbags.
“Here,” Alley offered, “hold him.”
I laughed a little when he nervously held his arms as Alley handed Axel to him.
“We definitely know who the father is.” Tommy laughed, looking at Axel’s loops of rusty locks.
“Yeah, there’s no denying that color.”
“You know,” he whispered when Alley began talking on her cell phone. “I’m really happy for the two of you. I was beginning to think I was going to need to knock some sense into you two.”
I smiled. It was funny to me that everyone around us saw the changes occurring over the years between Jameson and me, but we ignored it.
An hour later, Jameson came back with ice cream and chocolate.
Of course, I forgave him. He had chocolate. I also thought the fight was somewhat entertaining.
It wasn’t long, and I was feeling like I hadn’t gotten the chance to snuggle with my son. It’d been a full twenty-four hours since he was born, and I think I’d gotten to hold him for maybe an hour. He’d been passed around so much I thought for sure he’d have motion sickness.
Jimi and Nancy couldn’t believe how much Axel resembled Jameson as an infant. He even had the same scowl when things didn’t go his way, which happened a lot. I wanted to tell him, “If you think this sucks, kid, wait until we take you home. At least there’s supervision here.”
When I finally did get to hold him, I spent hours surveying him. I memorized every little detail about him, from his rusty loops of hair, his adorable chubby cheeks, his cute button nose, his long fingers, and the tiny little rolls on his legs. Everything about him was perfect, and we created him.
It was hard to believe that what started out as complicated had brought us this perfect little being.
For only being born at thirty-four weeks, he was incredibly healthy—tiny, but healthy.
Aside from when he was delivered, we’d yet to hear him cry. The nurses assured us everything was fine, but it just seemed strange to me that a baby wouldn’t cry. Even when he was hungry, he just simply let out an adorable flailing whimper.
Charlie came later that night, and Jameson stepped out with Van to get a real meal.
I loved that he and Van went out together. Van spent his fair share of time holding Axel as well, which sent me into a full-blown emotional shit storm. Much like the times I decided to watch Father of the Bride and the day Jameson and I got married.
I couldn’t imagine how he must feel seeing us together as a family, knowing his was gone.
All this reminded me of the fact that the man currently holding my baby was dying. In the days following the wedding, Charlie’s appearance was shocking. He was losing incredible amounts of weight, his eyes had dark circles under them, and some days he couldn’t even form a complete sentence.
Today was a good day.
“He is beautiful, Sway.”
“He is, isn’t he?” I gleamed. I was one proud mama wizard.
“You havin’ more?”
“I think I’ll wait until I’ve actually left the hospital before that happens,” I told him with the same enthusiasm I exuded after being told I had to go through labor in the first place.
I knew Jameson and I’d probably have more; after all, we did make one adorable flailing spaz.
“Don’t worry, Axel Charles,” Charlie assured him, “your parents are crazy, but they’re pretty cool.”
Axel stared at him as though he knew he was in for an interesting life.
Of course, I started crying watching my son and my father bonding. I was emotional. I cried at everything the last day or so. I thought this would have ended when he was born, but no such luck—in fact, it was worse.
THE FOLLOWING DAY, I was released to go home, which was awesome. I hated staying in the hospital after having to spend so much time in one when I was pregnant with Axel.
Leaving was another story altogether.
It took Jameson, Spencer, Aiden and Van to figure out how to put the goddamn car seat in the Expedition. How this was so complicated was beyond me.
Once in the car and ready to go, Jameson was the doting father he’d become these last few days and had Axel so bundled up from the snow that I couldn’t see anything but his tiny eyes.
“I think he’s too hot,” I told Jameson when he started the car.
Jameson turned around to look at us in the backseat. “Nah... he’s toasty.”
“His little cheeks are red.”
“’Cause he’s toasty. I’d rather be toasty than cold.”
“How do you know that’s what he’d want... maybe he likes the cold?” I suggested.
“No... he doesn’t,” he said evenly. “Now let’s go.”
He then proceeded to pull onto Ensign Road at five miles per hour. Here was a NASCAR Champion driving five miles per hour because his infant son was in the car... how ironic was that?
I made him stop at Norma’s on the way home so I could get a hamburger. I was starving from that ridiculous shit they called food in the hospital. I was actually amazed some people didn’t die just from ingesting that shit.
When we pulled into our driveway on Summit Lake, our entire goddamn family was waiting for us.
Jameson and I just sat inside the car for a few minutes, watching them, before Jameson turned around to look at us in the backseat.
“We’re never going to get them to leave, you know that, right?”
“Let’s just play nice, for now.”
“So you say... I’m tired.” His head fell against the steering wheel. “This has been exhausting. I just want to go to bed.”
“Really?” I challenged, smacking the back of his head.
“Sorry,” he replied softly, ignoring my eye contact.
“That’s what I thought. Now help us out.”
With the help of my annoyingly protective husband, we made it inside the house and prepared ourselves for an evening with our family.
Jimi and Nancy brought over Papa John’s pizza for everyone. I think I devoured half a damn box just by myself.
“Go get Lucas,” I told Jameson after I finished feeding and changing Axel for the third time tonight.
Axel was constantly hungry and then constantly pooping. It was an endless cycle. Most parents said to be prepared for no sleep. Well, they should warn you that when they were awake, all they did was shit and eat.
Occasionally they cried.
“Why?” Jameson looked at me confused, his eyes following Lucas down the hall.
“He’s wearing my maternity bra,” I told him, rocking Axel in his room. “It’s weird.”
Jameson took off to find Lucas.
I was not impressed with Logan and Lucas that evening. They were either crying or laughing. I couldn’t understand how two six-year-old kids could be so annoying.
Around nine that night, everyone finally left, and we were once again alone with the baby.
You know that feeling you got when everything was right in the world—you’re calm and collected?
That was not us at all, especially when it came time to bathe him that night. Andrea and Nancy offered to stay, but we were adamant that we could do this on our own.
Halfway through the bath, I was ready to call them.
We had more soap and water on us than the baby, and let me tell you, we had an abundance of water and entirely too much soap for one baby.
Poor Axel just whimpered away. It was evident he sensed we had no idea what we were doing.
“You have too much soap on him,” I told Jameson while he tried to wash his baby boy parts.
“No I don’t.”
“Yes... yes, you do.”
“No, I don’t,” he stated firmly, turning to glare at me, holding our soapy baby in the air.
What did Axel do? He peed mid-air all over Jameson.
This made me happy.
“Apparently you’ll need more soap,” I told him, handing over the soap and giggling hysterically.
My giggling turned to shrieking when Jameson turned Axel on me.
I was now the one being peed on while Jameson laughed his ass off. This made me unhappy.
“Whaaa... whaaa ...” Axel started crying and momentarily shocked us.
Momentarily because he was still peeing on us.
“See... he doesn’t like his mommy peed on.” I smiled at both of them, holding a towel up to cover the stream.
“I’m sorry, little man,” Jameson set him back in the water. “Mommy asked for that.” He turned to look over at me, amused. “Husband one. Wife zero.”
“Oh, hell no, we’re not starting that again.”
“Yes... yes, we are.”
For being only four days old, Axel made the most expressive faces. The one he was currently making made me smile. It was a set scowl at Jameson, and kind of resembled the one Jameson gave most people. He wasn’t impressed with our argument. I guess I wouldn’t be either, if I was naked in a bath, and the two people who were supposed to be washing me were arguing.
Eventually we finished the bathing ritual. I couldn’t believe how much work these tiny humans were.
So far today, I got up, fed him, burped him, changed him, and then rocked him to sleep. I must have done that ten times.
Once I finished, and he was asleep for a nap, it started all over again a few hours later.
It was exhausting. I felt bad for women who had twins or triplets, or worse, six babies.
What were they thinking?
I DIDN’T GET any better at being a new mommy. In fact, I thought it took a turn for the worse after a few days. I couldn’t understand where the normal version of me had disappeared to. It was like she was on vacation.
“Is that normal?” Jameson asked me.
“Is what normal?”
“The crying... it can’t be normal.” He ran his hand over the back of his neck. “Can it?”
“What the fuck did you think was going to happen when we had the baby?” I snapped. “They cry.”
“Well…” He lifted my chin for me to look at him, tears falling down my cheeks. “I would expect it from the child... not from you.”
“I’m sorry!” I wailed. “I have no clue what I’m doing, and neither do you!” The baby’s diaper was on backward, how that was possible was beyond me. You’d think he would have noticed when he put the straps on. This was our fifth day as parents, and one would think we would have been getting into the swing of things, but no. “I’m so tired. Last night I tried to breastfeed Mr. Jangles, thinking it was the baby. Imagine my surprise when I felt fur and him purring. I just need sleep!”
What did Jameson do? He started laughing.
“At least you didn’t try to breastfeed me,” his face became completely serious. “That would have been....” He paused for a moment. “Awkward.”
I slapped his shoulder. “Can’t you breastfeed? I need some sleep.”
“Not happening. I don’t care if Aiden thinks he can. I’m not doing it,” he told me, taking the baby from me while I continued to cry. “But I will feed him the milk you’ve been pumping,” he offered, looking down at me as I fixed my bra, gazing at the enormous foodbags. “They’re huge.”
“Don’t remind me.” I pushed them together for fun. “They resemble Dolly Parton’s breasts, only full of milk.”
Jameson just laughed and carried Axel out of our room so I could get some sleep in our new Egyptian cotton sheets Emma purchased for us.
And if you’ve never slept on Egyptian cotton sheets, you’re missing out.
THE FOLLOWING DAY, Jameson and I were supposed to do an interview with Maggie Summers from SPEED. Alas, there I was, hiding in our master closet from Dana.
While organizing my shoes by color out of pure boredom, I heard Jameson enter the room and open the door, smirking.
“Why are you on the floor? Get up.” He reached for me. “The reporter will be here soon.”
I put my fingertips to his lips, with a “Shh,” and then mouthed the word, “Dana.”
I didn’t need to say much else.
“Who let her in?” he seethed in a flat but timid voice.
He was still scared of Dana, his peppy stalker fan, and for good reason. The woman had some stalker issues for sure.
“Emma.”
“I’ll fucking kill her.” He went to stand, but I pulled him back down with me.
“If Dana sees you... she won’t leave.”
His chin jerked up as he thought for a moment. “Good point. I know where Emma lives. I can pay her back later.”
Emma and Aiden recently purchased a house together in Mooresville, next to the one Jameson had built for us. Jameson was not happy about that by the way. This was also why we planned to live in the Summit Lake house this year instead of the one in Mooresville. Sure, Jameson was going to spend the majority of the year on the road, but once Axel was a couple months old, we planned on traveling with him.
After much discussion following Axel’s birth, we decided I would step down as General Manager at the track for now and concentrate on being a mom. Jameson hired Andrea to take over, which turned out to be a better idea. She was better at the planning than I was.
“How long has she been down there?” Jameson groaned, throwing one of his shoes at the wall.
“Ten minutes, maybe.” I leaned back against the wall, pulling one of my black heels from under my ass.
He looked around the closet. “Where’s the baby?”
I held up the monitor. “In his room with Lane.”
We could hear movement on the monitor so I turned it up and listened.
“There, there, baby Axel. I take care you,” then Lane started humming softly to him. “Me not allowed to pick you up so I just rock you.” Lane let out a little giggle. “You sure are cute.”
Both Jameson and I smiled listening to Lane pacify Axel who had started his little whimpering. He reminded me of a little puppy with the whimpering.
“How the fuck are we going to get out of here?” Jameson finally asked after thirty minutes in the closet together.
“I’ll go check to see if she’s gone yet.”
I army crawled out of the closet and peeked over the stairwell to see Dana closing the door behind her.
Thank God.
I wasn’t sure how much longer I could contain Jameson in the closet without resorting to sex, which wasn’t an option. It had only been a week, and I had no fucking clue how in the hell the two of us would make it five more weeks without sex.
It was easier when I was on bed rest because he was gone for the majority of it, but now, he was home and constantly giving me these looks. The ones that had me wanting more than just reciprocating motions.
Testing for the upcoming NASCAR season would be starting up again after the New Year, so that would distract us, but it was going to be interesting.
Spencer and Aiden already placed bets on who’d crack first. Assholes. I only said that because their bets were against me.
Maggie showed up shortly after Dana left, and we did the interview along with a shit load of pictures for their magazine spread. Jameson and I both hated being in the spotlight, but it came with a championship for him.
“Would it be possible to get some of you with the baby?” Maggie asked once the interview was completed.
“No,” Jameson said in a hard, tight voice. “No pictures will be taken of Axel.” I looked at him quickly and saw that his expression had turned violent.
Jesus.
“Why?” I whispered.
He didn’t answer at first, just scowled. Maggie was on her way out before he finally murmured, “I don’t want him exposed to all this just yet. The time will come when he can’t escape it, but for now... I want him to just be ours.”
I think I fell in love again.
I understood him completely. Axel was innocent, and he was ours. The public hadn’t seen him yet, and when they did, everyone would want pictures of him.
ON NEW YEAR’S Eve, we all gathered at Charlie and Andrea’s house.
Jimi and Nancy were still in town, so once again, just like Christmas, all of us were together under one roof.
“Where’s Charlie?” I asked Andrea when I walked into the kitchen. I’d just given our sleeping little boy to Alley to hold while the boys played some stupid drinking game I was sure would end in a fight.
Andrea gave me an apprehensive glance.
“Sleeping,” she said softly while chopping the lettuce for the salad.
“Is he all right?”
I watched silently as she started to speak and then stopped, placing both hands on the counter.
“He called me Rachel last night when he woke up, and now he’s confusing the twins... I feel him slipping away Sway, and I just can’t stop it. I’ve heard the doctors, and I’ve seen all the scans. I know we don’t have long, but to think of it happening now... scares the shit out of me.” She leaned forward, her eyes darting around the room. “I can’t handle those boys by myself.”
“Don’t look at me for advice,” I told her, holding my hands up. “I mistook my cat for a kid and tried to breastfeed him.”
Andrea laughed as Nancy walked into the kitchen.
Nancy reached over and rubbed my back as she walked past me. “Van says to tell you that he’s on his way; he got stuck in traffic.”
I laughed, reaching for the mushrooms to cut them.
It was as though Van had become my other child—even though he was older than me. I was constantly worried about him. All this worrying led to one thing. I insisted he move in with us in the guest apartment above our garage.
With the help of Jameson, he did. Since his wife and little girl had died, Van hadn’t been around much of anyone. When I first met him, he was withdrawn but sweet. But ever since Axel was born, Van had become more open and welcoming with us all. He had no one but his parents and in-laws, and now he had us.
The more time he spent around Jameson, Spencer, and Aiden, though, the more he resembled a Riley.
All of that aside, when it came to our safety, Van was all business, particularly when it came to Axel now. Anywhere we went these days, Van was with us, with his eyes fixated on the baby and me.
Charlie was up around seven and smoking pot in the backyard when the Lucifer twins tried to go out there with him. Andrea had to explain that he was taking his medicine and they should not be around him.
Lucas threw a complete fit that resembled the kid from Problem Child. The only difference was Lucas had brown hair, not red.
“I just want to go out there with Charlie!” Lucas screamed.
This went on for a good hour, the Lucifer twins throwing fits over everything. Lane watched in amusement, and when Axel finally woke up from his catnap, he too gazed at them.
At least that was what I thought. The kid couldn’t see more than a foot in front of himself, though, so he was probably staring at Jameson and me wondering what in the hell went wrong when he was assigned his parental units.
Thoughts of finding him a therapist resurfaced. I’d need to get on that sooner rather later.
Van finally showed up and joined the drinking game the boys were playing. I couldn’t figure out exactly what they were playing, but I also never took the time. I spent most of my time feeding Axel and handing him around to everyone.
I wondered if they ever got motion sickness from all the handling. I knew if someone passed me around like that, I’d be hurling all over them. But I wouldn’t mind being all swaddled and warm like he was. I wouldn’t mind being rocked to sleep either—that did look appealing to me.
After a few hours of all this madness, we decided to stay here tonight with the roads being icy and Jameson drunk to the point he was now slurring his words.
“THREE... TWO... one... Happy New Year!” we all yelled together as we welcomed the New Year.
Jameson turned to me, smiling, and pulled me hard against his chest. “Happy New Year wife.” His voice was low and gravelly, and I was shaking. It was hard to believe that just his voice could set my body on fire, but it did, or was it the lack of sex that had something to do with it.
“Let’s go to bed ...” he suggested and began kissing down the side of my neck, pulling my sweater away, nipping at my skin.
“We can go to bed... but you need to keep your hands to yourself, mister.” I poked his chest.
His hand came up to rub the spot I poked, still smirking. “We can do other stuff... we’re good at other stuff.”
He had a very good point there. If anything, the two of us had other stuff down to a fine art.
“You mean like reciprocating motion?” I asked with a giggle.
He growled pushing me against the wall in the hallway. “Fuck, honey... don’t tease me.”
Once inside my old room, we were settled on the bed in a very heated over-the-clothes make-out session with reciprocating motion with a little porting of the heads, but to be fair, the clothes were quickly disappearing. His hands were so sure, so strong, and so completely inescapable as he moved against me.
“Whaa... Whaa... Whaa!”
Great timing, kid!
Jameson sighed. His head fell forward against my collarbone, but his hips continued to move against mine, wanting more, but so did Axel as he let out another cry.
“Seriously?” he grunted, still moving.
“Get used to it, Daddy.” Pushing against his shoulders, I flashed him a smile that resembled Bob Barker from The Price is Right. “We’re parents now.”
Jameson just laughed and laid back against the headboard, adjusting himself.
I retrieved Axel from the bassinet, and when I picked him up, he made his signature puppy whimpering and snuggled closer to me. Laying him on the bed, I prepped myself for breastfeeding.
“I can’t look at those.” Jameson said and looked away. “I’ll get distracted again.”
I giggled while Axel whimpered again and started rooting his head around, searching for his foodbags. When I got him situated, he went right to town.
“Wow, he was hungry.” Jameson’s eyes got wide as he watched our son eat.
I laughed. “He’s always like this when I feed him. He acts as though I’ll never feed him again.” My eyes met Jameson’s when his hand was still on my ass, caressing it. “Kind of like someone else I know.”
“Point taken,” he grumbled and waited for me to finish feeding our son.
Although once the feeding, burping, changing, and rocking was finished... the other things were dealt with. Many times.
As I said before, everything had changed.
In 365 days, 52 weeks, 8,765 hours, or 525,948 minutes my life had changed completely.
Then it started all over on New Year’s Day, and who knew what this next year would bring.