Hunter
The rest of our European tour went by in a blur. After our week in England, we hopped across Sweden, Germany, and ended in Greece. We quickly slid back into our normal routine. The only disruption came when Leila refused to hang out at night, fearing Shane would need her if she weren’t there. Most of the time Jack stayed with her as well. Occasionally she forced him to come out with us to try and have a good time. He’d mope anyway, making us all wonder why he bothered.
“It’s easier not to argue with her,” he responded, sounding completely resigned to comply with her recent demands. “He woke having a bad dream when we all went out in Stockholm. She can’t forgive herself.”
“You need to give her time,” Patti said and then added, “you can’t blame her for wanting to be there for him, no matter what he needs.”
“I do, too, but it’s not realistic.” Jack looked exhausted. I had only seen my friend looking this bad one other time. When Leila was having complications carrying the twins, he was at his wits end trying to help her. Just like now, he wanted to make it better and couldn’t do that for her. It drove him mad.
Patti had reached for his hand, trying to comfort him with even that tiny gesture. “She’s got to do this to get through, Jack. She’ll find a way to balance it all. Right now she knows you and the twins are okay, but Shane needs her.”
“Yeah, I know,” Jack agreed. He could hardly argue with any of us. He knew his wife well.
The situation had me truly considering parenthood for the first time. Sure, most men know that being a dad is in their future, with the exception of Trey. It’s always been something I wanted one day. I never really thought about it.
It’s natural…love, marriage, and then baby carriage.
Seeing the torment that my best friends are experiencing at the moment has me wondering if I have it in me. I’m spread pretty thin in the worrying department with just my wife in the picture. Once I fell in love with Mandi, it was very foreign to have to worry about another person. It was even more foreign to put that person’s needs first, most of the time it’s an automatic thing that you really don’t consciously think about. It just occurs. Unless you’re someone like me who never had to put someone else’s needs first. So in my case, it required constant effort.
Am I compassionate enough of a man, strong enough as a person to handle constantly worrying about a child? The realization hit me hard. I’m not so sure I am. Worrying about Mandi’s reaction to my irresponsibleness with the SD card had me out of sorts for days. Jack was right. I was behaving like something tragic had happened.
Does that make me shallow? How can I argue that it doesn’t? How would I act if I were faced, if Mandi and I were faced with the sort of angst that the Lairs are currently trying to work through?
I’d fail.
Then there’s that oh-so-heartfelt discussion that would have to happen with Mandi.
Hey, Babe, I’m not so sure I want kids.
With that admission, I’d fail her.
Being a mother is undoubtedly in the blueprint of her life. No questions asked. She is meant to be a mother. How do I even broach that subject after having her think I was always on the same page?
Fuck, I see what this tragedy is doing to the Lairs. Leila’s been a shell of her former self. Here we are three weeks later, and she’s only now finally coming around. Jack and Shane are as well. This rocked them to the core. If their foundation hadn’t been sound, would they have survived it? What if another tragedy occurs? Like an earthquake that devastates, and with every aftershock more and more damage is done. Would my house crumble from the onset? Can I be strong enough to protect my wife and my child?
It’s all speculation and a waste of energy to worry about the “what ifs”. It’s also easier to not have to worry about them at all, if I never add their ominous presence into my happy-go-lucky life.
I had a heart to heart about the entire subject with Jack. He admitted it is exhausting, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. He’d add ten kids to his family just to duplicate the awesome moments that he’s experienced so far. I told him that is unless the horrible moments begin to out number the great ones.
Luckily the Lairs are healing. Little things, tiny changes are helping Shane each day. He calls each of us Uncle, following Leila’s lead. He does refer to Leila and Jack by their given names. I wonder if the day will come when he calls them Mom and Dad. Once we return to the States, Jack said they will be legally changing his name to Shane Elliot Lair. I’m sure that with time, they’ll be okay.
Besides the Lairs having a solid foundation between them, Shane is also a strong kid. As an outsider looking in, I know he’ll be okay. He sat in on our practice a few days ago with excitement etching a permanent smile on his adorable face. Even while watching him now as he sits in his seat coloring with the twins, he’s a child who’s adjusting to his new life. We’re flying to Hong Kong on the corporate jet. He’s chatting away as they both look up at him like the sun rises and sets on every word he utters.
Leila said he still doesn’t seek them out, as he once did. It drives him crazy when Madden crawls into bed with him during the night. Siarra’s clinginess makes him angry. He also has little patience for their age difference, sometimes yelling at them if they do something wrong.
The twins seem unaffected, maybe because they adore him so much. They shrug it off and resume bothering him as if nothing happened. A few weeks ago it would send Shane into hysterics. Now, he shakes his head and rolls his eyes. I think that’s a sure telltale sign that the kid is getting there. He’s already acting like a smartass member of Devil’s Lair.
The mood on this flight centers on Shane. When he’s quiet, so are we. When he’s chatty, happy, smiling, it’s instantly reflected in our own faces. Trey resumes teasing Leila, G-rated of course. Jack is once again pawing at his wife, not caring who watches. Everyone is acting as status quo, with the exception of my wife. The girls all excitedly discuss Hong Kong and tourist attractions they must see. She instead stares out the window of the jet, in her own little world. Now I know something is most definitely bothering her.
“Hey, are you okay?” I ask, leaning closer with my lips directly over her ear.
She turns slightly and gives me a quick nod.
“Babe, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“That’s the fifth ‘nothing’ you’ve given me.” I nuzzle her neck, trying to improve her mood. She lets me, but something is definitely off. I know my wife all too well. Resorting to my normal antics, I ask, “You want to join the mile high club with me?”
One side of her gorgeous mouth quirks up as she fails to contain her smile. “You are too much.”
“Is that a yes?” I take her hand, tugging to show her I’m serious. “No one is paying attention to us. You slip into the bathroom, I’ll follow.”
“Hunt.”
It’s not her, “Oh, Hunter, you’re so silly,” tone.
It’s her, “Knock it off, Hunter,” reprimanding tone.
What the hell did I do now?
I meet her gaze, not even trying to hide my confusion. She doesn’t flinch and turns back to her window. In the process, she leaves me sitting, wondering what the fuck I did to upset her. And just like that, I’m consumed with my wife’s mood. I’m obviously too one dimensional to deal with drama that comes with a family. I can barely handle my wife.
“Mandi isn’t feeling well,” I lie. “We’ll catch up with you guys tomorrow.”
Jack and Leila nod in sync. “Do you want us to bring you something back?”
“No, I’ll order something up. Thanks, though.” I close the door on my friends, turning to see my wife standing in the doorway.
“I hate lying to them.”
So do I, but I don’t voice that to her. “Come here.”
She walks over and lets me wrap my arms around her. She sighs into my chest, and I can feel the tension rolling off of her in waves. “Mandi, what’s wrong? Please talk to me.”
“I heard your conversation with Jack.”
I step back to face her, “Which conversation?” I have many conversations with Jack. As I distractedly try to remember what it is that could have her so upset, she walks to the couch and sits heavily. It’s only then I realize she actually walked away just as I pinpoint the root of her issues.
“Hey, which conversation?” I play dumb, needing her to confirm before I go off the deep end.
“Hunt, I heard you telling Jack you’re not sure you are strong enough to be a dad.”
I stand rooted, massaging my temples to relieve the sudden pressure that I feel between my ears. She watches me quietly, not helping me in the least. The fact I’m standing across the room, not attempting to close the distance between us speaks volumes. The pained look she gives me crushes me enough to put my anxiety aside to comfort her. I slowly walk over to join her on the couch.
“Do you really feel that way?” she asks tentatively. “You told me you wanted kids. You always agreed we’d have a family. Hunter, if you feel that way, that changes everything.”
“I did.”
“You did?” She lets out a loud, audible breath. “Wow.”
“Let me explain.” She raises a hand, gesturing for me to continue. “I’m scared I’m not dad material.”
She stands abruptly to nervously pace the room. “Hunt, do you think you’re the only one who thinks that? Of course it’s normal to have insecurities regarding becoming a parent.”
“It’s not just the normal insecurities. I look at Leila, and I see a strong, brave woman. I easily see you. I have no problem envisioning you in the same circumstances she’s in right now. I know you would handle it with courage, compassion, and unwavering love,” I shake my head before continuing, “I look at Jack and I see a man who wants desperately to hold his family together. He wants to make it all go away to relieve his wife’s agony. I don’t see me. I can’t envision me acting the same way. It scares me. I’m sorry. It’s more than just jitters.”
My confession causes her to stop in her tracks. The annoyance that clouded her features a few minutes ago dissipates. “Hunter, you are everything you just described in Jack and more. You are an incredible man. I wouldn’t be with you if you weren’t. I wouldn’t have chosen to spend the rest of my life with you if you lacked any of the qualities I need in a partner. I married you because I saw the fantastic husband you could be, that you are. I saw a friend and a confidant that I could grow old with. Most importantly, I saw a man who would make an awesome father. Give me some credit.”
“You’re blinded by love,” I attempt to make light of what she just said. “The truth is I’m serious as fuck that I am not who you need me to be. Deep down, I lack the qualities to get through all of the ‘what ifs’ that may come our way. One can argue, unless faced with trauma, one can never tell what one is capable of. Here’s the thing, what if by then it’s too late?”
“Here’s the thing.” She walks back to the couch and sits on the coffee table, facing me. A warm smile lights up her face. She takes my hand with one hand. With the other, she softly runs her fingers through my hair. “Babe, I love you. The most important ingredient we need to tackle all the ‘what ifs’ with is us as a couple. Together, we will face them and handle them. It’s you and me. Do you think I would allow you to not be the person I know you are capable of?”
“You?” I let out a short snort. “Definitely not.”
She narrows her eyes, “Cute.”
“Sorry.” She leans in until our foreheads touch. “I love you so much, Mandi. I’m so afraid I’m going to fuck this up.”
“I won’t let you.”
I kiss her softly when something occurs to me. “Why wouldn’t you just tell me that’s what was bothering you?” She breaks eye contact. Doubt immediately mars the peacefulness that she displayed on her face just a few seconds ago. “There’s something else.” When she still refuses to look at me, I palm her face and force her to. “Mandi?”
“I wanted to surprise you. I thought we were on the same page since we discussed trying once we got home. I stopped the pill, because sometimes it takes a few months, and you never know if there’s a problem unless you start trying, and…”
“Mandi.” I interrupt her rant.
“I’m pregnant.”
My hand falls away.
Her face drops.
“That’s why I didn’t want to tell you.”
This is a test. It has to be. She’s testing me. The look on her face is not a “gotcha” one. She watches my stunned, emotionless expression and the look on her face is one of pure devastation. The tears in her eyes are a symptom of the pain that I’m causing her right now.
Her exit from the room is a clear indication that I just fucked up.