Jack
I’m nervous. I don’t do nervous. My wife does, so it’s predictable to see her pacing and wringing her hands erratically. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been nervous in my life, including this one.
We didn’t have a chance to talk to Paula before we left Spain. We’ve now been sitting on this plan to adopt Shane for two days. We arrived in Frankfurt, Germany late yesterday. I made it my business to personally invite Paula to our suite for breakfast. Leila and I asked her not to bring Shane. We felt it was important for her to see us as parents to our twins. To also digest what we have to offer without feeling pressured to accept, or without Shane’s presence possibly clouding her judgment. She doesn’t know who we are, what we are like as parents. Her granting us guardianship of Shane is really no different than granting a foster family the same. We feel it’s important for her, for both of them to get to know us.
We’ve spoken to my dad regarding the legalities. Of course, he’s concerned she’ll jump on our idea because of our wealth. We aren’t concerned. Jen said that Paula is a genuine person. She’s just a mother who wants the best for her son.
The twins are dressed, fed, and playing with their toys. My wife continues to pace until a light knock on the door stops her in her tracks. She throws me a hesitant smile before opening the door.
“Hi Paula, thanks for coming by.”
Paula smiles and shakes her hand, “Thanks for having me. This is so sweet of you guys.”
Leila shows her into the suite. The twins run to Leila, no doubt because Madden is curious, and Siarra is scared with the stranger in our room. I walk toward them, scooping Siarra up in the process.
“Hey, Paula. This is Siarra.” I smile down at my daughter who is clinging to my neck. “This guy is Madden.”
Paula squats, getting down to Madden’s level. “Hey, Madden. I love your name. Can I shake your hand?” Madden immediately thrusts his little hand out, eager to please. Once they exchange a handshake, Paula stands before Siarra and me. “You’re so pretty. You look like your mommy.”
Siarra lifts her head long enough to glance at Paula before burying her face in my neck. I shrug an apology. “She isn’t as social as her brother.”
Paula laughs. “I think it’s a boy thing. Shane was never shy. Even at Madden’s age, he’d kiss a perfect stranger full on the lips.” A flash of emotion crosses over her features before she replaces it with a smile.
“Sounds like something Madden would do,” Leila smiles back. Madden, already bored with the new human in the room, runs off to play with his toys. Knowing he’s a safe distance away, Siarra squirms in my arms to be let down as well. She scampers off after her brother.
“Come, sit,” Leila says while motioning toward the table that is already laid out with breakfast.
While Leila pours coffee Paula says, “It must be awesome traveling around the world as a family. The twins are precious.”
“Thank you. I’m a bit apprehensive having them away from home for so long. Our parents are not happy with us, but they’re young and they seem to adapt well to the constant changes.” We all glance at them playing individually, yet side by side. “As long as Madden has his cars and Siarra her dolls, they’d be fine living on a deserted island.”
Paula nods in agreement. “That’s how Shane is with his guitar. Thank you so much for allowing him to be on stage with you and giving him that amazing gift. He hasn’t stopped talking about that experience.”
“He’s a natural, born to be a rock star. He fit in with our band perfectly.”
Paula tells us of how Shane’s obsession began. He always loved music, even as a baby. When shopping at a local toy store for his birthday, he flew over to a toy guitar and clutched it to his chest. He never let it out of his sight, even going as far as sleeping with it. When other boys his age were watching cartoons, he was watching the music channels. The day he saw our video for In The Cards, he found his new idol, Trey. It was instantaneous. He was only three at the time.
Paula explains how she found Jen and was shocked when Jen responded. At the time, she was hoping to get an autographed picture of Trey to give Shane for his birthday, or maybe even a video message. Over those months, Jen and Paula rekindled their friendship. Paula was then diagnosed and the favor she initially asked Jen for became so much more. She speaks of Jen with unmasked admiration. Knowing Jen as we do, it’s hard to fathom this other person Paula is describing. Jen leaned on Paula to forget her failed marriage to Malcolm. Paula leaned on Jen for moral support during the early stages of her illness.
“You went to school with Jen, right?” Leila asks.
“Yes, we were really good friends during most of our middle school and high school years. My family life was nonexistent. Jen comes from a very loving, supportive family. I craved it. She graciously shared them with me. We lost touch when she went away to college and then I got knocked up.” She blushes and adds, “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You have a beautiful son.”
Paula nods, “He’s the best thing that ever happened to me.” Silence falls over us as she picks at her food. A few long seconds pass before she asks, “How did you two meet?”
“Go ahead, you tell the story,” Leila says with a smirk and a wave of her hand. Usually when someone asks and she recounts the day we met, I interrupt with all the embarrassing moments that Leila purposefully leaves out.
So, taking the opportunity, I tell Paula my version, including all those moments my wife would like to forget. Paula laughs out loud at my analogies, quickly apologizing to Leila for laughing. “I’m used to it,” she replies.
Conversation flows easily between the three of us. The twins constantly interrupt, running over to steal a strawberry or a sip of juice. After the fourth time, Madden takes up shop on my wife’s lap, deciding it’s easier to get what he wants. Siarra watches from a distance. Paula includes him in the conversation as much as possible. She’s very personable. I can see where Shane gets his personality.
Leila and I keep exchanging glances. She places Madden on the floor next to his sister and returns to the table while watching me. We need to bring this up. We rehearsed it, but having to actually ask someone for her child borders on lunacy. She barely knows us. After more small talk has us in a lull, I start the conversation as best as I can.
“Paula, I’m sure you’re wondering the real reason we asked you here today.”
She wrings her hands nervously before nodding. “It has to do with Shane, I’m sure.”
“It has to do with both of you.” Leila takes one of her hands, “Paula, Jack and I would like to help you with all your medical bills. We also will be setting up a trust fund for Shane’s education.”
“I don’t know what to say.” She looks from Leila to me, clearly flustered with our offer. “I was just trying to make my son’s dreams come true. Give him some memories he could hold on to. I wasn’t looking for charity.”
A tear slowly runs down her cheek. Leila stands to wrap an arm around her shoulders. “We aren’t offering charity, Paula. We are completely invested in Shane’s future. We want you to enjoy your time with him, without having to worry about his welfare.”
Paula refuses to look at either of us. She’s humbled and embarrassed more than anything else. It’s clear on her face. Leila pulls her chair closer, still holding onto Paula’s hand.
“We also have something else we wanted to talk to you about.” My wife quickly glances my way before getting to the point of this meeting. “We want you to consider giving us guardianship of Shane. We’ve grown very fond of your son. We know it’s only been a short time, but he’s already stolen our hearts. In fact, he’s stolen our entire band’s hearts.”
Paula’s eyes expectedly well up with more tears. Still holding Leila’s hand, she quickly looks down at her lap to avoid eye contact.
“We know this is ripping you apart. We want to be there for you as well as Shane. Please let us be your support. Think carefully about our request. We don’t want to pressure you in any way.”
She swipes away at the tears rolling down her face. “I will.” She shakes her head, giving us a rueful smile. “I wasn’t expecting this. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to think I’m ungrateful. I just...” She pulls in a deep breath. “I’m at a loss.”
“We’re here whenever you want to talk about this. We’ll answer any questions you have.”
I almost add that she should take her time. I thankfully stop myself before voicing my thoughts. She doesn’t have time, or much of it at least. This woman is about to make the single most important decision of her son’s life. The situation is atrocious. The facts surrounding it are unspeakable. Yet, it’s necessary. It’s required and it needs to be discussed. My gut clenches from the reality of how any future discussions will occur. Fuck, it’s not like we are closing on a real estate deal. This is a child. Her child. Her flesh and blood and we are complete strangers.
I only hope she sees how genuine we are, how absolutely committed we are to Shane’s future.
After Paula leaves, we sit side by side on the couch, watching our children playing without a care in the world, just as they should be. No words are exchanged. We don’t need to voice our thoughts. I hold Leila close as we quietly think about Paula’s situation. An occasional sniffle from my wife is the only evidence of her emotional state.
It’s a long time later when she finally says, “Jack, I’m scared for her.”
“I know, Babe. Me too.”
I am. I’m truly terrified for Paula Elliot. I’m not scared for Shane. He will be ok. He’ll grow up knowing what a selfless person his mother was. How brave and how courageous she was to make her final days all about him. As hard as it’s been for her to battle her illness, that’s not even the hardest thing she’ll endure. The emotions she will be fighting these coming weeks, months will rip her to shreds.
Paula’s hell is only beginning.