Jack
It’s going to be really hard to beat Italy as a tour stop. Besides the kick-ass rock star parties we were invited to, the culture, the food, the gorgeous beach we had the privilege to live on for a week, the best part of Italy was spending that time with my wife and kids. We also had Shane with us overnight the day before we left. Paula had an appointment and said she would meet up with us at our next stop in Paris. Jen accompanied her so she wouldn’t be alone.
Leila and I wondered if leaving Shane with us instead of taking him was a test. Did Paula want us to experience how Shane would fit into our family? How our kids would react to his presence? If it was a test, we all passed with flying colors. Madden followed Shane around like a puppy dog. Siarra, who is normally shy and reserved, got along with him beautifully. My only regret was Paula wasn’t there to witness it. Watching my kids and Shane interact for those thirty hours was a gift. I had already told Paula we didn’t have a doubt that we wanted Shane to be part of our family. Spending that time with him took an already ironclad decision and encased it in titanium.
My wife and I spent hours discussing how we could convince her to not put him in foster care. Every option still had Paula doing the unthinkable, leaving her son behind. We don’t want to upset her. She hasn’t been feeling well and said it’s harder to hide her fatigue from Shane. While in France, Leila arranged for us to take the kids to Disneyland Paris on our day off. She loved that idea, saying Shane has always wanted to go to Disneyland. It would make another of his dreams come true.
The morning of, Paula woke up feeling worse than ever. She debated on staying back at the hotel, but decided she needed to be there for selfish reasons. The joy on Shane’s face when we arrived to the park was overwhelming. He was so happy. It was adorable watching him volunteer as he diplomatically announced that he would be happy to take the twins on the baby rides to make them happy. Whenever his height allowed, I would take him on any adult, scary ride that he wanted to experience. The kid has no fear.
The day was bittersweet.
By the time we returned to the hotel, Paula was physically and mentally exhausted. The day took its toll on her in more ways than one. She asked if we wouldn’t mind keeping Shane in our room. The medication she was taking often made it difficult to wake up if needed. She could easily ask Beverly to step in, but he’d be happier with us. Of course we obliged. It was a really nice day. Being together with so much joy, fun, and happiness gave us all a false sense of contentment. The mood followed us home.
The kids were out minutes after their heads hit the pillow.
My wife and I took advantage of the fact and made love. We took our time, reveling in each other and wanting to savor every moment, every kiss, every touch, and every release we gave each other. It wasn’t sexy, erotic, or frenzied in any way. It was a merger of our souls and our hearts. We’ve had many nights such as this one. Usually after something traumatic occurs in our lives. It’s a confirmation of what we are all about. It’s a cleansing of outside elements and a reminder that we are one.
Just as it always does when we have one of these soul-searching nights, it left Leila raw and emotional. We are now sitting on the balcony, each lost in our own thoughts.
My thoughts focus on the rest of this tour and how it will play out. I can’t seem to get excited about any of our tour stops any longer. All I can think about is Paula and Shane and what will be. It’s been consuming me and draining me of any enthusiasm I would otherwise be feeling. Our last show in Paris is tomorrow night, and then we head out to England. My band is the most excited about this stop, especially Trey. He’s always wanted to go to England and retrace the steps of some of his favorite musicians.
Leila reaches over and takes my hand. Tears are falling freely from her eyes, otherwise I’d have no hint to what she’s thinking at the moment. I squeeze her fingers within mine, admitting to her that I’m no better off.
I’ve never been exposed to death. My wife has been, at too young of an age to have to deal with it. Shane is even younger. She once shared how something like losing a parent forever alters you as a person. The only loss worse would be to lose a child. Leila said even at her happiest of times, there’s always a pinching feeling inside her heart, always a subtle reminder that someone is missing.
“She’s right, you know?” Leila cuts the silence with her question.
I turn to stare at my wife’s profile. She continues to stare straight ahead, almost as if she’s in a daze. “About what?”
“I wouldn’t want the kids to see me fighting and losing a battle. I wouldn’t want them to see me any other way than being happy.”
I gently bring her hand to my lips, placing one single kiss on her knuckles. The lump in my throat is preventing me from responding normally. The thought of ever losing Leila makes my blood run cold.
“Jack, I don’t know what to do for her.”
“Baby, there’s not much we can do, except to keep her happy and comfortable.”
She finally meets my gaze, the pain she feels etched deeply in the furrow of her brow. My wife is a fixer. A compassionate, loving, and selfless fixer, she can’t fix this.
I tug on her arm and coax her to sit on my lap. She does so willingly, immediately burying her face in my chest. The sobs wrack her body, and there isn’t a fucking thing I can do to comfort her.
Except hold her.
With the three of them laughing and yelling, it’s a wonder we heard the knock. The kids just ate breakfast and are playing rock stars in the middle of our living room, Shane’s idea. Lei and I need to get to rehearsal and are expecting Beverly to come over to take over.
When Leila opens the door, it’s Paula waiting on the other side.
“Hi, come in.” My wife hugs her before moving aside to let her pass. All three heads pick up to see who’s there. Shane bolts across the room, straight into his mother’s arms.
“Hey, buddy. How was your night?”
“It was fun. We’re playing rock band. I’m teaching Madden how to play the bass.” She drops her overnight bag by the door and carries him deeper into the room. Leila and I make eye contact as she listens to her son’s play-by-play of his morning.
When he’s all done with his recap, he returns to his friends to continue their jam session. The noise escalates immediately, making it impossible to hold a conversation.
“Let me grab Beverly so we can sit outside,” Leila suggests. A few minutes later, Paula, Leila, and I sit on the balcony, making it easier to talk without screaming.
“Are you okay?” Leila asks tentatively.
Paula smiles in response. “I am. I had a rough night, but I’m okay.”
“Is there anything we can do for you to make you more comfortable?” As the words leave my mouth I cringe. Of course there isn’t.
“Yes, as a matter of fact there is.” She drags in a very deep breath with a shaky smile still plastered on her face. It’s a mask that fails in hiding her emotions. She continues to breathe in and out deeply, finding the strength to speak. “There’s a doctor in Belgium who has agreed to see me. Jen will be flying there with me today. I know you had him last night, but can you take care of Shane for a few more days?”
“Of course,” Leila immediately responds. “Will he be able to help with your medication?”
She quickly nods with the same questionable smile playing on her lips. “That’s the plan,” she admits with a shrug.
“Don’t you worry about Shane, he’ll be just fine. You take all the time you need.”
“I know he’s in good hands.” She takes Leila’s hand and then mine. “You guys are angels that have been sent to us. I’ve changed my mind. Shane belongs with you.”
She just blurts it out. I almost question if I heard her correctly. Only when my wife’s eyes instantly well up with tears do I believe that Paula’s admission is true. For the first time since arriving, a genuine smile spreads on her face. She squeezes our hands, adding, “Thank you.”
She stands abruptly, pulling her hands from ours to wipe away her tears. “Okay, I gotta go. Jen is waiting.” She gives Leila a fierce hug, and then gives one to me as well. After she reluctantly releases me, she takes both our hands in hers and adds, “I know this may sound strange, but I love you both.”
“It’s not strange. We love you, too.”
She smiles at Leila and gives her another hard hug. This one is longer than the last, and even more desperate. Leila meets my eyes over Paula’s shoulder. It’s obvious in her expression how deep her raw emotions are causing her so much pain. When Paula pulls away, Leila replaces her angst with a warm smile. “Be careful, and please call us when you get there.”
“I will.”
We enter the suite to find the kids performing for Beverly as she claps and laughs at their mini concert. She watches us enter the room, beaming from ear to ear with pride. “They’re pretty good,” she admits over the noise. Madden is pounding away on his drum. Siarra mimics his enthusiasm with her tiny fingers pounding the keys on her toy piano.
The three of us laugh as we take a seat to join Beverly in praising our musical trio. When Shane takes a bow, Madden and Siarra follow. My wife’s smile splits her face in two. Fucking adorable.
Paula motions for Shane to come over to where she’s sitting. He does, beaming at his mother. “Baby, that was so good. You learned all that from Trey?”
“Yep. He said I sound just like him.”
“You do!” she exclaims, hugging him close. “Listen, bud. I need to go on a short trip. Is it ok if you stay with Madden and Siarra?”
He looks over his shoulder at the twins. “Sure, Mom. They need me to help them play better.”
“Awesome.” She squeezes him tightly, burying her face in his hair, caressing his back as he clutches her with his tiny arms. The visual is heartbreaking. I gauge my wife’s emotions by the look on her face. She’s dangerously close to losing it. I can tell she’s desperately trying to hold it together.
Paula is the first to break the hug. “Okay, I have to go. Be good for Leila and Jack. Promise me?”
He nods with a smile. “I promise, Mommy.”
She smiles through tears and ruffles his hair. “I know you will. You’re such a good little boy. I’m very, very proud of you, Shane. You make me so happy. Always remember that. I love you more than anything in this entire world.”
“I know, Mom. Me too.”
Paula kisses him again and again. She gives us all one last hug and grabs her bag before she walks out without looking back.