Lucy

 

I didn’t sleep in my room that night. In fact, I didn’t sleep in my room again for the next two weeks. Ryder came home from work at relatively reasonable times, and although he often went into his home office to work, it wasn’t until we’d gone out to dinner and spent time together. We were falling into what felt like a real relationship, but we still hadn’t discussed the past, which was hanging over me like an impending hurricane. In fact, it was as if our past didn’t exist outside of the fact that he continued to insist on calling me Lucy when we were alone, but he did abide by my request and introduced me as Lucinda anytime we went out.

 

Being punished was becoming one of my favorite activities with him, and I spent many an afternoon trying to find ways to push his buttons just enough that he would discipline me to both our satisfaction when he got home from work. One time I gave Jacob the slip while I was out shopping, and I didn’t take his calls when he’d found about it. He’d been waiting for me at home, and punished me the rest of the afternoon. It was glorious.

 

We also spent time alone outside the bedroom, talking. He’d become extremely affectionate; like he was before. At least three times a week, flowers showed up with notes from him, to let me know that I was on his mind, or that he couldn’t wait to get home and see me. I started to write again. There wasn’t much to do during the day except for shop, which I’d done plenty of, and I still wanted to watch my spending. I had rent of my own to pay, and this arrangement wasn’t forever. That was the thing I had to remind myself of. It wasn’t real. It was a contract.

 

The night before the gala, it weighed on my mind particularly heavily. When Ryder came home from work, he wasn’t his usual smiling self of the last two weeks, adding to my unease over what I knew would eventually blow up.

 

“How was work?” I asked, sensing it wasn’t good, but unsure of what else to say until I knew more.

 

“It was fine. What did you do today? Shop?” he said sarcastically.

 

Immediately defensive, I couldn’t help but to remind him that I wasn’t allowed to do anything else. “Is there something you’d like me to be doing, Ryder? If you recall, your rules stipulate that I’m not really allowed to do anything.”

 

“Ah, yes. The rules that you like to break when it suits you?” He sauntered to the bar to pour himself a drink.

 

“What’s your problem today? I didn’t do anything wrong,” I said.

 

“Problem? I don’t have a problem at all. I need to get some more work done, so you’ll have to do dinner on your own tonight.” His statement came without emotion and, without waiting for my reply, he walked off to his office, drink in hand.

 

As I stood there deciding whether to let it go, or to have the blowout that was sure to come if I spoke up, I did what I usually do. I picked a fight and followed him to his office.

 

“Ryder, what’s going on with you? You’re not acting like yourself at all,” I tried to say kindly.

 

“Lucy, you don’t even know me. You know two different people. The Ryder you think you remember from Jersey? He’s fucking gone. Just like the Lucy I used to know. Why did you go to Infidelity?” he demanded, sitting in his desk chair, glaring at me.

 

“You already know why.” I pursed my lips.

 

“No, I really don’t,” he said thoughtfully. “I needed someone to act like my girlfriend so I could establish some credibility with the old money in this town. That’s just how the good ol’ boys think. But you? You were ‘getting by’. Why sell yourself?”

 

“I didn’t sell myself!” I exclaimed.

 

“Well, you kinda did. You just got lucky and ended up with me. You realize that it wouldn’t have been like this with a stranger. Why did you go to Infidelity?” he demanded again.

 

“I wanted to be introduced to the wealthy and powerful in this town. So that I could finally start making connections to build my business.”

 

“So it wasn’t the money?” he asked.

 

“Fuck you, Ryder. No, it wasn’t the money.” I felt my face get hot as I fought back the tears that wanted to come.

 

“You never wanted to do business, Lucy. You wanted to write.”

 

“Why are we having this conversation?” I pleaded.

 

“Because I ran into Geoffrey today, who you’ve apparently been in contact with behind my back.” He looked at me defiantly, as if he’d caught me in a lie. I never lied.

 

“It wasn’t behind your back. I wasn’t ready to tell you that I was writing again. I wanted to see what it would take to get published. Why is that such a big deal?” I genuinely didn’t understand what I’d done wrong.

 

“Geoffrey is a client of mine. And he’s a scumbag.”

 

“Okay, well I just met him for lunch, so that we could talk about books. What’s the big deal?”

 

“The big deal is that somehow, he thought you were for sale, and asked to buy you today.”

 

My jaw dropped. “What?”

 

“Yes, so I’m not sure what you two discussed, but he must have thought that was a perfectly appropriate and normal proposition. He asked if he could buy your ‘companionship’ from me.” He used air quotes around companionship, which made my skin crawl.

 

“Why would he do that?” I was mortified.

 

“I’m not sure, actually. I was hoping that was something you could tell me.” He glared at me, searing a hole into my chest.

 

“I don’t have any idea! Ryder, I was just looking into new career options for myself!” I cried out.

 

“I see,” he replied, once again without emotion.

 

“You don’t believe me?” I felt the hole in my chest grow; the hurricane was coming.

 

“Why would I believe you, Lucy? Lucinda. Whatever you want to be called.” He sipped on his drink, which he was draining quickly.

 

“Are you drunk?” I asked, seeing the glassy look in his eyes.

 

“I’ve had a few drinks, but that is not your concern. I’m the boss, remember?” He chuckled, waving his glass in my direction.

 

“Jesus Christ, Ryder. I don’t have any reason to lie to you. I thought that things were going fine between us.”

 

“Fine, as in I paid for you to be here? Or fine, as in we moved on from the past? Because I’m not sure either of us have, are you?” Ryder tilted his head, looking to me for a reply.

 

“Do you really want to have this conversation now?” He was definitely borderline drunk, and I didn’t think diving into me leaving him behind in New Jersey six years ago was the best choice in conversation topics. He basically accused me of being a whore not five minutes prior.

 

“As a matter of fact, Lucy, I do. But first, let me freshen my drink.” He opened his desk drawer, pulling out a bottle of amber liquid, topping off his drink.

“What do you want me to say, Ryder? I think we should just talk about this tomorrow, after you sleep it off.” I started to walk away when he shouted at me.

 

“NO! We are going to discuss it right fucking now! How many fucking times do I need to remind you that I’m the fucking boss?” He slammed his glass down, splashing whiskey droplets over the papers across his desk, causing me to jump.

 

After brief consideration, I dove into the eye of the storm. “Okay, you’re the fucking boss!” I yelled back. “What do you want?!”

 

“I want the fucking truth, Lucy! What the fuck happened?”

 

“What do you mean, what happened? It was lunch!” I hollered.

 

“I’m not talking about that piece of shit. I’m talking about six years ago. What the fuck happened? Do you have any idea what you did to me? I was there for you. For years, I stood by your side. I supported you. And you fucking left without a word after I asked you to marry me!” The despair in his voice sent chills through me, and the tears began to fall.

 

“We were kids, Ryder. You didn’t want to marry me. You should have found someone else.” I wasn’t yelling anymore. I was terrified to tell him the truth.

 

“Found someone else? I could never find someone else. I have never found anyone else, Lucy,” he replied, pain in his shaky voice. “You left me. No explanation. Nothing. You disappeared. For six fucking years.”

 

“I had to leave, Ryder. You know what it was like at home for me,” I tried to explain.

 

“I know how horrible your mother was, but I would have taken care of you. How could you not know that?”

 

“I had to,” was all I could get out. He really had no idea that I did it for him. I called it pursuing my ambitions, but I was saving him.

 

“You didn’t have to! Tell me the truth, Lucy. You’re hiding something from me. Six years may have come and gone, but I know you. I’ve always known you, for Christ’s sake. Just be honest with me for once.”

 

“I’ve never been dishonest with you, Ryder. I loved you. But I couldn’t stay there anymore.”

 

“I would have left with you,” he replied hesitantly.

 

“And that’s why I left.” I said it. It was out there.

 

“What?” Ryder asked, confusion on his face.

 

Taking a deep breath, I confessed, “I didn’t want you to come with me. So I didn’t tell you I was leaving.”

 

“What? Why? I don’t understand.” He looked like I’d shot an arrow straight through his heart.

 

“If you came with me, you’d have given up everything. You had a good family. A bright future. I would always have been the girl you had to look after. I couldn’t do that to you, Ryder. You deserved so much better than that. It wasn’t your job to take care of me, and if I tried to tell you that back then, you would have argued with me and I’d have ruined your life. I’d have held you back from the successes you’ve achieved and I couldn’t live with that.” I started sobbing. I never stopped loving him. That was my revelation. The irony that he was taking care of me again wasn’t lost on me from the moment that we were matched by Infidelity, and pained me every day since.

 

“Oh my God, Lucy,” he muttered as he anxiously ran his hands through his hair, something he did from the moment I met him in high school whenever he had a lot on his mind. I briefly mused at the memory of him doing it the first time he told me he loved me.

 

“Now you know the truth, okay? I did it to save you from a lifetime with me.” He deserved better than someone that couldn’t stick to a career choice, even as driven as I’d been in school. He deserved better than someone that thought a year of companionship with a stranger was a better choice than working two jobs to get ahead. He definitely deserved better than someone better than me. He stood up, his head still lowered in contemplation. As I stood there, unsure of what else to say, he rose his gaze to meet mine. “I’m sorry.”

 

In just three large steps, he was in front of me, scooping me into his arms. As my head found his chest, I started to weep. I could have handled the past so much differently than I had back then, but what did an eighteen-year-old kid know, other than what their alcoholic mother told them. She told me that I’d ruin Ryder’s life, and I believed her. By the time I’d moved on, and began my own journey of sorts, it was too late to go back and fix anything. But, as fate would have it, the past is always one step behind.

 

Ryder’s arms stayed wrapped around me as he stroked my hair until I finally stopped crying. He pulled away, sweeping my hair from my face. Afraid to meet his eyes again, I stared at my feet until he lifted my chin so that I’d look at him.

 

“Lucy,” he said softly.

 

“Yes?” I sniffled, afraid of what he’d say.

 

“I was put on this earth to take care of you. It wasn’t chance, or luck, that we found each other. This is what was supposed to happen,” he chuckled, and brought his lips gently to mine.

 

“But, I left you, Ryder. Can you ever forgive me for that?” A single stray tear fell down my cheek.

 

Sweeping it away, he replied, “I forgave you the day you came back into my life, Lucy. I never stopped loving you. I’ve loved you most of my life, and I’ll love you the rest of it too.” He smiled, looking relieved, as if he’d had a revelation of his own.

 

“So, where do we go from here?” I asked, hoping that he’d want me to stay.

 

“You’re mine, Lucy. You’ve always been mine. I’d like you to stay mine.”

 

I kissed him passionately, allowing him to pull me to him. “I love you, Ryder. I’ll spend forever showing you how much I’ve missed you.”

 

“I can’t wait,” he replied with a relieved smile.

 

“Now what?” I asked. So much emotion in such a short period of time. I just wanted to wrap my arms around Ryder and show him how much I loved him.

 

“Well, since I’m the boss still, I think it’s time we go to the bedroom. You need to be punished for having lunch with another man behind my back,” he said as a sly smile formed, and his hand made its way to my ass.

 

Raising my eyebrows in anticipation, I returned his devilish grin. “I’ve definitely been a very bad girl, and I need to be punished.”

 

The End.