Lucy pulled up to my house in her beat-up burgundy car, and I opened the door before she even climbed out of her vehicle. I held Talon in my arms, rocking her as she cried from discomfort.
“That was twenty-five minutes,” I scolded her.
She just smiled. She was always smiling.
She had a smile that reminded me of my past, a beautiful smile filled with hope.
Hope was the weak man’s remedy to life’s issues.
I only knew that was true from the past I’d lived.
“I like to call it fashionably late.”
The closer she got, the tenser I became. “Why do you smell like weed?”
She laughed. “It’s not weed, it’s sage. I was burning it.”
“Why were you burning sage?”
A sly grin found her and she shrugged. “To fight off negative energy like yours.”
“Oh right, hippie weirdo. I bet you travel with crystals and stones with you, too.”
With no effort at all, she reached into her over-the-shoulder purse and pulled out a handful of crystals.
Because of course she did.
“Here.” She reached out, took Talon from my hands, and began rocking her. “You need rest. I’ll watch her.” The guilt I had from the fact that Talon so effortlessly seemed to calm down when she was in Lucy’s arms was strong.
“I can’t sleep,” I told her.
“No, you can. You’re choosing not to because you’re paranoid that something might happen to your daughter, which is a very reasonable reaction that I’m sure a lot of new parents go through. But, you’re not alone right now, Graham. I’m here.”
I hesitated, and she slightly nudged me in the shoulder. “Go. I can do this.”
“You said you’ve nannied before, right?”
“Yes, a set of twins and their little brother. I was there from the first week up until they went off to school. Graham, I promise you, Talon’s okay.”
“Okay.” I brushed my hand over my hairy chin and started in the direction of my bedroom. A shower sounded nice. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d showered—or eaten. When was my last meal? Do I even have food in my fridge? Is my fridge even still running?
Bills.
Did I pay my bills? My phone hasn’t been shut off yet, which is a good sign, because I have to call Talon’s pediatrician in the morning.
Doctor.
Doctor’s appointment—I have to set up doctor’s appointments.
Nanny? I need to interview nannies.
“Shut up,” Lucy barked at me.
“I didn’t say anything.”
“No, but your mind is spinning with everything you could be doing instead of sleeping. Before you can be productive, you gotta rest, and, Graham?”
I turned to see her kind eyes staring my way. “Yes?”
“You’re doing everything right, you know, with your daughter.”
I cleared my throat and stuffed my hands into my jeans pockets. Laundry—when was the last time I did laundry? “She cries all the time. She’s not happy with me.”
Lucy laughed, the kind of laugh where she tossed her head backward and her smile stretched so far. She laughed too loud, and at the wrong times. “Babies cry, Graham. It’s normal. This is all new for both of you. It’s a brand-new world, and you both are doing the best you can to adjust.”
“She doesn’t cry with you.”
“Trust me.” Lucy grinned, looking down at the somewhat calm Talon in her hold. “Give her a few minutes and I’ll be begging for you to switch spots with me, so go. Go rest for a bit before I hand her back over.”
I nodded, and before I left, I cleared my throat once more. “I apologize.”
“For?”
“The way I pushed you away this morning. It was rude, and for that I’m sorry.”
Her head tilted and she stared at me with questioning eyes. “Why do I feel like there are a million words floating around in your mind, but you only allow a certain number to escape?”
I didn’t reply.
As I stared at her rocking my daughter who was growing more and more upset, Lucy smiled and winked my way. “See? Told you. She’s just being a baby. I’ll take care of her for a while. You go ahead and take care of yourself.”
I thanked her in my mind, and she smiled as if she heard me.
The moment my head hit the pillow, I was fast asleep. I hadn’t known I was so tired until I truly had a moment to rest. It was as if my body melted into my mattress and sleep swallowed me whole. No nightmares or dreams found me, and for that, I was thankful.
It wasn’t until I heard Talon screaming that I tossed and turned in my bed. “Jane, can you get her?” I whispered, half asleep. Then my eyes opened and I glanced at the other side of my bed—it was still completely made, no wrinkles in the sheets. My hand grazed over the empty spot that reminded me I was in this alone.
I climbed out of bed, and as I walked through the hallways, I heard a soft whisper.
“You’re okay, you’re okay.”
The closer I grew to the nursery, the more the gentle voice calmed me. I stood in the doorway, watching Lucy as she held Talon and fed her.
Maybe in many ways, staring at my empty bed was a reminder that Jane was gone, but seeing Lucy before me was a small reminder that I wasn’t alone.
“Is she okay?” I asked, making Lucy turn, surprised.
“Oh, yeah. Just hungry, that’s all.” Her eyes traveled across my body. “I see you don’t smell like a sewer anymore.”
My hands ran through my still damp hair. “Yeah, I took a quick shower and a quicker nap.”
She nodded and walked over to me. “Want to feed her?”
“I—no. She doesn’t…”
Lucy nodded me over to the glider chair. “Sit.” I started to protest, but she shook her head. “Now.”
I did as she told me, and when I sat, she placed the baby in my arms. The moment the exchange happened, Talon started to cry, and I tried to quickly give her back to Lucy, but she refused to take her.
“You’re not going to break her.”
“She doesn’t like it when I hold her. She’s not comfortable.”
“No, you’re not comfortable, but you can do this, Graham. Just breathe and calm your energy.”
I grimaced. “Your hippie weirdo side is showing.”
“And your fear is showing,” she countered. She bent down, placed Talon’s bottle in my hand, and helped me feed her. After a few moments, Talon began to drink and calm down, her tired eyes closing. “You’re not going to break her, Graham.”
I hated how she could read my mind without my permission. I was terrified that each touch from me would be the one that would end Talon. My father once told me everything I touched, I ruined, and I was certain that would be the case with my baby.
I could hardly even get her to take a bottle, let alone raise her.
Lucy’s hand was still wrapped around mine as she helped me feed Talon. Her touch was soft, gentle, and surprisingly welcoming to my unwelcoming soul.
“What’s your greatest hope?”
Confusion hit me at her question. “What does that mean?”
“What’s your greatest hope for life?” she asked again. “My mother used to always ask us girls that question when we were kids.”
“I…I don’t hope.”
Her lips turned down, but I ignored her disappointment in my reply. I wasn’t a man to hope; I was a man who simply existed.
When Talon was finished with her bottle, I handed her to Lucy, who burped her then laid her back in her crib. We both stood over the crib, staring down at the resting child, but the knot that had been in my stomach since Talon was born remained.
She twisted a bit with a tiny grumpy look on her face before she relaxed into a deeper rest. I wondered if she dreamed while her eyes were shut, and if someday she’d have a greatest hope.
“Wow,” Lucy said, a tiny smile on her lips. “She definitely has your frown.”
I chuckled, making her turn my way.
“I’m sorry, did you just…” She pointed a finger at me and poked me in the arm. “Did Graham Russell just laugh?”
“A lapse in judgment. It won’t happen again,” I said dryly, standing up straight.
“Oh, how I wish that it would.” Our eyes locked as we stood inches away from each other, no words finding either of us. Her blond hair was wild with tight curls, and it seemed to be her natural state; even at the funeral, her hair had been a mess.
A beautiful mess, somehow.
A loose curl fell over her left shoulder and I reached out to move it when I saw something caught in it. The closer my hand got to her, the more I noticed her tensing up. “Graham,” she whispered. “What are you doing?”
I combed my fingers through her hair, and she shut her eyes, her nervousness plain to see. “Turn around,” I commanded her.
“What? Why?”
“Just do it,” I told her. She cocked an eyebrow, and I rolled my eyes before tossing in a “Please.” She did as I said, and I grimaced. “Lucille?” I whispered, leaning in closer to her, my mouth inches away from her ear.
“Yes, Graham Cracker?”
“There’s vomit all over your back.”
“What?!” she exclaimed, twisting around in circles, trying to view the back of her sundress, which was covered in Talon’s spit-up. “Oh my God,” she groaned.
“It’s in your hair, too.”
“Oh, fuck me backward.” She realized her words and covered her mouth. “Sorry, I mean, oh crap. I was just hoping to not go back into the real world covered in vomit.”
I almost laughed again. “You can use my shower, and I can loan you some clothes while I toss this into the washer.”
She smiled, something she did quite often. “Is that your sly way of asking me to stay to help with Talon for a few more hours?”
“No,” I said harshly, offended by her comment. “That’s ridiculous.”
Her grin dropped and she laughed. “I’m just kidding, Graham. Don’t take everything so seriously. Loosen up a little. But, yes, if it’s okay, I’d love to take you up on your offer. This is my lucky dress.”
“It can’t be that lucky if it has vomit on it. Your definition of luck is off.”
“Wow.” Lucy whistled, shaking her head. “Your charm is almost sickening,” she mocked.
“I didn’t mean it in…” My words died off, and even though she kept smiling, I saw the small tremble in her bottom lip. I’d offended her. Of course I’d offended her—not on purpose, but still, it had happened. I shifted around before standing taller. I should’ve said more, but no words came to mind.
“I think I’ll head home to wash it,” she said, her voice lowering as she reached for her purse.
I nodded in understanding; I wouldn’t want to stay near me either.
As she walked outside, I spoke. “I’m bad with words.”
She turned around and shook her head. “No, I’ve read your books, and you’re great with words—almost too good. What you lack are people skills.”
“I live in my head a lot. I don’t interact with people very often.”
“What about my sister?”
“We didn’t speak much.”
Lucy laughed. “That makes for a hard relationship, I’m sure.”
“We were close enough to being content.”
Her head shook back and forth, and her eyes narrowed. “No one in love should ever be anything less than content.”
“Who ever said anything about love?” I replied. The sadness that flooded her stare made me shift.
When she blinked, the sadness was gone. I appreciated the way she didn’t live too long in the emotion. “You know what will help your people skills?” she asked. “Smiling.”
“I do smile.”
“No.” She laughed. “You frown. You scowl. You grimace. That’s about it. I haven’t seen you smile once.”
“When I encounter a valid reason to do so, I’ll be sure to notify you. By the way, I am sorry, you know—for offending you. I-I know I can come off as somewhat cold.”
“Understatement of the year.” She laughed.
“I know I don’t say much, and what I do say is normally the wrong thing, so I apologize for offending you. You’ve been nothing but giving to Talon and me, which is why I’m a bit thrown off. I’m not used to people giving just to…give.”
“Graham—”
“Wait, let me finish before I say something else to ruin it all. I just wanted to say thank you for today, and for the hospital visits. I know I’m not easy to deal with, but the fact that you still helped means more to me than you’ll ever know.”
“You’re welcome.” She bit her bottom lip and groaned as she muttered the word maktub repeatedly before she spoke to me again. “Listen, I might really, really end up regretting this, but if you want, I can stop by early mornings before work, and I can come help afterward. I know at some point you’ll have to get back to writing your next bestseller, and I can watch her as you write.”
“I…I can pay you for your services.”
“It’s not services, Graham, it’s help, and I don’t need your money.”
“I’d feel better if I paid you.”
“And I’d feel better if you didn’t. Seriously. I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t mean it.”
“Thank you, and, Lucille?”
She raised an eyebrow, waiting for my comment.
“That’s a very nice dress.”
She slightly twirled on her tiptoes. “Vomit and all?”
“Vomit and all.”
Her head lowered for a moment before she looked back toward me. “You’re both hot and cold all at once, and I cannot for the life of me figure you out. I don’t know how to read you, Graham Russell. I pride myself on being able to read people, but you are different.”
“Perhaps I’m one of those novels where you have to keep turning the page until the very end to understand the meaning.”
Her smile stretched, and she started walking backward toward my bathroom to clean off the vomit. Her eyes stayed locked with mine. “A part of me wants to skip to the last page to see how it ends, but I hate spoilers, and I love a good suspense.” After she finished cleaning up, she headed to the foyer. “I’ll text to see if you need me tonight, otherwise I’ll stop by early tomorrow morning, and, Graham?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t forget to smile.”