We didn’t know how to act with one another after our first kiss. Our situation wasn’t the norm when it came to building a relationship. We did everything backward. I fell in love with a boy before our first kiss, and he fell for a girl who he wasn’t allowed to have. Our connection, our heartbeats, matched one another in our fairytale world, but in reality, society deemed us as an awful accident.
Maybe we were an accident—a mistake.
Maybe we were never supposed to cross each other’s paths.
Maybe he was only meant to be a lesson in life and not a permanent mark.
But still, the way he kissed me…
Our kiss was as if heaven and hell collided together, and each choice was right and wrong at the same exact time. We kissed as if we were making a mistake and the best decision all at once. His lips made me float higher, yet somehow descend. His breaths somehow made my heart beat faster as it came to a complete halt.
Our love was everything good and bad wrapped in one kiss.
A part of me knew I should’ve regretted it, but the way his lips warmed up the cold shadows of my soul…the way he left his mark on me…
I’d never regret finding him, holding him, even if we only had those few seconds as one.
He’d always be worth those tiny seconds we shared.
He’d always be worth that soul-connecting feeling we created when our lips touched.
He’d always be the one I spent my nights dreaming of being near.
He’d always be worth it to me.
Sometimes when your heart wanted a full-length novel, the world only gave you a novella, and sometimes when you wanted forever you only had those few seconds of now.
And all I could do, all anyone could ever do, was make each moment count.
After we went home that night, we didn’t talk about it at all. Not the following week, either. I focused on Talon. Graham worked on his novel. I believed both of us were waiting for the right time to come up for us to speak about it, but that was the tricky thing about timing: it was never right.
Sometimes you just had to leap and hope you didn’t fall.
Luckily, on a warm Saturday afternoon, Graham jumped.
“It was good, right?” he asked, surprising me as I was changing Talon’s diaper in the nursery.
I turned slightly to see him standing in the doorway, looking my way. “What was good?” I asked, finishing up fastening the diaper.
“The kiss. Did you think it was good?”
My chest tightened as I lifted Talon into my arms. I cleared my throat. “Yeah, it was good. It was amazing.”
He nodded, walking in closer. Each step he took made my heart ache with anticipation. “What else? What else did you think?”
“Truth?” I whispered.
“Truth.”
“I thought I’d been in love before. I thought I knew what love was. I thought I understood its curves, its angles, its shape. But then, I kissed you.”
“And?”
I swallowed hard. “And I realized you were the first and only thing that ever made my heartbeats come to life.”
He studied me, uncertain. “But?” he asked, moving in closer. He slid his hands into his pockets and bit his bottom lip before speaking again. “I know there’s a ‘but’. I see it in your eyes.”
“But…she’s my sister.”
He grimaced knowingly. “Jane.”
I nodded. “Lyric.”
“So, you think never? You and I?” The hurt in his eyes from his question broke my heart.
“I think society would have a lot to say about it. That’s my biggest worry.”
He was even closer than before, close enough to kiss me again. “And since when do we care what society thinks, my hippie weirdo?”
I blushed, and he moved my hair behind my ear.
“It’s not going to be easy. It might be very hard, and weird, and out of the norm, but I promise you, if you give me a chance, if you give us a few moments, I’ll make it worth all of your time. Say okay?”
I lived in the moment, and my lips parted. “Okay.”
“I want to take you out on a date. Tomorrow. I want you to wear your favorite outfit and allow me to take you out.”
I laughed. “Are you sure? My favorite outfit involves stripes, polka dots, and a million colors.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything else.” He smiled.
God. That smile. That smile did things to me. I placed Talon on the floor so she could crawl around as Graham kept speaking.
“And, Lucille?”
“Yes?”
“There’s poop on your cheek.”
My eyes widened in horror as I moved to a mirror and grabbed a baby wipe to clean my face. I looked at Graham who was snickering to himself, and my cheeks didn’t stop turning red. I crossed my arms and narrowed my stare. “Did you just ask me on a date even though there was poop on my face?”
He nodded without hesitation. “Of course. It’s just a little poop. That wouldn’t change the fact that I’m in love with you and want to take you out on a date.”
“What? Wait. What? Say that again…” My heart was racing, my mind spinning.
“I want to take you out a date?”
“No. Before that.”
“That it’s just a little poop?”
I waved my hands. “No, no. The part after that. The part about—”
“Me loving you?”
There it was again. The racing heart and the spinning mind. “You’re in love with me?”
“With every piece of my soul.”
Before I could reply, before any words left my mouth, a little girl walked past me. My eyes widened at the same exact moment Graham’s did as he stared at his daughter.
“Did she…?” he asked.
“I think…” I replied.
Graham scooped Talon into his arms, and I swore his excitement lit up the whole house. “She just took her first steps!” he exclaimed, swirling Talon in his arms as she giggled at the kisses he was giving to her cheeks. “You just took your first steps!”
We both began jumping up and down, cheering Talon on, who just kept giggling and clapping her hands together. We spent the rest of the evening on the floor, trying to get Talon to take more steps. Every time she did, we cheered as if she were an Olympic Gold Medalist. In our eyes, she was exactly that.
It was the best night of my life, watching the man who loved me love his baby girl so freely. When Talon finally fell asleep that night, Graham and I headed to his bedroom and held each other before sleep overtook us.
“Lucille?” he whispered against my neck as I snuggled myself closer to his warmth.
“Yes?”
“I don’t want it to be true, but I want to prepare you. There’s going to come a time that I let you down. I don’t want to, but I think when people love each other, they sometimes let each other down.”
“Yes,” I nodded, knowingly. “But I am strong enough to lift myself back up. There will be a day that I let you down, too.”
“Yes,” he yawned before pulling my body closer to his. “But I’m certain on those days I’ll somehow love you more.”
The next morning, I was still on my high from Graham and Talon. That was until I went into work. Mari sat in the office at Monet’s Gardens with her fingers laced together as she examined the bookkeeping binders. Normally she handled the paperwork side of the business while I handled the front of the house. She was good at what she did, too, but when I walked into the office that afternoon, I could almost see the heavy cloud sitting over her.
I knew exactly what Mama would’ve said if she saw her baby girl in that moment.
Overthinking, again, my Mari Joy?
“What is it?” I asked, leaning against the doorframe.
She looked up at me, her brow knitted, and leaned back in her chair.
“Those are pretty much the most words you’ve said to me since I—”
“Moved back in with your ex?”
“My husband,” she corrected.
We hadn’t really spoken since the Parker situation exploded and she moved back in with him. I avoided all conversation about it, because I knew she’d made a choice. That was one thing about Mari—she overthought everything, but when she made her final decision, she followed through. There was nothing I could say to make her leave the monster she was currently sharing a bed with.
All I could do was patiently wait to piece her heart back together when he destroyed her—again.
“What is it?” I asked, nodding toward the paperwork.
She shook her head. “Nothing. I’m just trying to figure out numbers.”
“It’s not nothing,” I disagreed, walking over to the desk and sitting across from her. “You have that look about you.”
“That look?” she asked.
“You know, your worried look.”
“What are you talking about? I don’t have a worried look.”
I gave her an are-you-seriously-trying-to-say-you-don’t-have-a-worried-look look.
She sighed. “I don’t think we can keep Chrissy on staff.”
“What? She’s great. She’s actually way too good—better than both of us. We need her. I was actually going to talk to you about giving her a raise.”
“That’s the thing, Lucy, we don’t have the money to give her a raise. We hardly have enough to keep her here. I think it’s best if we let her go.”
I narrowed my eyes, confused by her words and certain they had been tainted. “Is this you or Parker talking?”
“I’m my own person, Lucy, with a college degree. This is me.”
“She loves her job,” I told her.
Mari slightly shrugged. “I like her, too, but this is business, nothing personal.”
“Now you sound like Lyric,” I huffed. “All business, no heart.”
“She has heart, Lucy. The two of you together just never really worked.”
I cocked an eyebrow, flabbergasted by Mari backing up Lyric. “She left her child, Mari.”
“We all make mistakes.”
“Yes.” I nodded slowly, still confused. “But a mistake is spilling milk, burning a pizza, missing an anniversary. Walking out on your newborn child who was in the NICU for weeks? Staying gone when the child is fully okay? That’s not a mistake—that’s a choice.”
She grimaced. “I just think it’s odd how involved you are with it all. I mean, you didn’t even know Graham, and it’s clear that you and Lyric have your issues. Why make things worse? It just doesn’t make sense. It’s not normal.”
“You could get to know her more too, you know. She’s your niece, our niece. We are throwing her a first birthday party next weekend…maybe if you come, you’ll understand.”
“We are throwing her a party? We? Don’t you see how that’s weird? Lucy, she’s not your daughter.”
“I know that. I’m just helping Graham—”
“You’re living with him.”
“You kicked me out!”
She shook her head. “I didn’t kick you out exactly, and I definitely didn’t push you into his home. Your heart did that.”
“Stop,” I said, my voice growing low as a knot formed in my stomach.
Mari gave me her knowing stare. “Lucy, I know you’re falling for him.”
I blinked away some tears that were trying to fall. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You have no clue what you’re talking about.”
“You’re making a mistake. He was with Lyric. She’s your sister,” Mari exclaimed. “I know you live by your emotions, but this isn’t right.”
I bit my bottom lip, feeling my anger building. “Oh, right, because you are the world’s most knowledgeable on what a relationship should look like.”
“A relationship?” she hissed. “Lucy, you’re not in a relationship with Graham Russell. I know this will hurt to hear, but I get Lyric when it comes to you. You’re too much like Mama. You’re too free, and freedom can be suffocating. If you settle down, don’t settle for him. He’s not yours to love.”
I didn’t know what to do. The burning in my chest was so painful. I parted my lips to speak, but no sound came out. I couldn’t think of the words I needed to say, so I turned around and left.
It didn’t take long for me to find myself in nature. I headed to my favorite running trail, took a deep breath in, and let a heavy breath out before I started to run. I ran through the trees, allowing the air to slap against my skin as I ran faster and faster, trying to rid myself of the hurt and confusion.
Part of me hated Mari for the words she spoke, but another part wondered how right she was.
In my mind, I played out the fairy tale of what Graham and I would be. Selfishly, I thought how it could be if maybe someday our love led to forever. Selfishly, I allowed myself to feel completely.
I was a dreamer, like my mother, and while I’d always adored that fact, I was slowly beginning to see her flaws. She floated more than she walked, skipped more than she stood, and no matter what, she never faced reality.
So, whenever reality came for her, she was always alone.
That terrified me—being alone.
But not being with Graham and Talon terrified me more than anything.
When I arrived at Graham’s house, I didn’t have the nerve to walk inside. Even the run hadn’t cleared my mind, so instead, I went and sat in the backyard near Ollie’s tree. I sat with my legs crossed, staring at the tiny tree that had so many years of growth to go. I stayed there for seconds, minutes, hours. It wasn’t until the sun started setting that Graham joined me outside. He was dressed in a perfectly fitted suit and looked out of this world amazing. I felt awful missing our date, but I knew due to my emotions I wouldn’t have been ready to go out with him. Mari put more guilt in my heart than I knew I could hold. Maybe I was being naïve about the way Graham made me feel…maybe I was being foolish.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I replied.
He sat.
He stared.
He spoke.
“You’re sad.”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“You’ve been here for four hours.”
“I know.”
“I wanted to give you space.”
“Thank you.”
He nodded. “I think you’ve had enough space, though. You can only be alone for so long before you start convincing yourself you deserve to be that way—trust me, I know—and you, Lucille Hope Palmer, do not deserve to be alone.”
No more words were exchanged, but the feeling of wholeness was loud and clear. If only the world could feel the way our hearts beat as one, then maybe they wouldn’t be so harsh to judge our connection.
“This is a terrible first date.” I laughed, nerves shaking my vocals.
He reached into his suit pocket, pulled out a pack of licorice, and handed it to me. “Better?” he asked.
I sighed and nodded once before opening the package. “Better.” Being beside him always felt right to me. Like home.
In that way, I was different than Mama. While she always wanted to float away, my heart craved to stay beside Graham Russell.
For the first time in my life, I desperately wanted to stand on solid ground.