Everyone was gone. Mary, Karla, and Susie had left to deal with the next steps, and I knew I should’ve gone with them, but I couldn’t force myself to move. I stood still in the hospital hallway with the flickering light. His room had been emptied, and there wasn’t anything else that could be done. He was gone. My professor. My hero. My best friend. My father.
Gone.
I hadn’t cried. I hadn’t processed it at all.
How was it possible for this to be the outcome? How could he fade so fast? How could he be gone?
Footsteps were walking in my direction, nurses moving on to their next patients, doctors checking in on those who still had a pulse, as if the world hadn’t just stopped spinning.
“Graham.”
Her voice was deep, drenched in pain and sorrow. I didn’t look up to see her; my head wouldn’t turn away from the room where I had just said my final goodbye.
“He was right,” I whispered, my voice shaky. “He thought if I knew about his heart, if I knew he was about to die at any moment, I would’ve run. I would’ve been selfish, and I would’ve left him, because I would’ve closed myself off. I wouldn’t have been able to mentally deal with him dying. I would’ve been a coward.”
“You were here,” she said. “You were always here. There was nothing cowardly about you, Graham.”
“I could’ve talked him into the surgery, though,” I argued. “I could’ve convinced him to fight.”
I stopped speaking. For a moment, it felt as if I were floating, as if I were in the world, but no longer a part of it, floating high in disbelief, denial, guilt.
Lucy parted her lips as if she were going to offer some kind of comfort, but then no words came out. I was certain there weren’t any words that could make this better.
We stayed still, staring at the room as the world kept moving on around us.
My body started to tremble. My hands shook uncontrollably at my sides as my heart caved into my chest. He’s gone. He’s really gone.
Lucy lowered her voice and whispered, “If you need to fall, fall into me.”
Within seconds, gravity found me. Every sense of floating was gone, every sense of strength no longer mine. I began to descend, faster and faster, crashing down, waiting for the impact to hit, but she was there.
She was right beside me.
She caught me before I hit the ground.
She became my strength when I could no longer be brave.
“She’s finally sleeping, though she put up quite the fight.” Lucy’s eyes were heavy, as if she were exhausted but forcing her eyes to stay open. “How are you feeling?” she asked, leaning against my office doorframe.
I’d been sitting at my desk, staring at my blinking cursor for the past hour. I wanted to write, wanted to escape, but for the first time in my life, there were truly no words to be found. She grew closer to me and placed her hands on my shoulders. Her fingers started kneading into my tense shoulder blades, and I welcomed her touch.
“It’s been a long day,” I whispered.
“It’s been a very long day.”
My eyes moved over to the windows, watching the rain falling outside. Sheets of water pounded against the exterior of my home. Professor Oliver would’ve rolled his eyes at the coincidence of rain on the day he passed away. What a cliché.
I shut off my computer.
No words were going to come that night.
“You need to sleep,” Lucy told me. I didn’t even disagree. She reached out for my hands, and I allowed her to take them. She pulled me up and walked me to my room so I could try to shut my eyes for some rest.
“Do you need water? Food? Anything?” she asked, her eyes filled with concern.
“There is one thing.”
“Yeah? What can I do for you?” she asked.
“Stay with me. Tonight, I just…” My voice cracked, and I bit the inside of my cheek to hold back the emotion. “I don’t think I can be alone tonight. I know it’s a weird thing to ask, and you are free to go, of course, it’s just…” I took a deep breath and slid my hands into the pockets of my slacks. “I don’t think I can be alone tonight.”
She didn’t say another word. She simply walked over to the bed, turned down the blanket, and lay down. Lucy’s hand patted the spot beside her and I walked over, lying down beside her. It started slow, our fingers moving closer to one another. I shut my eyes and tears started falling down my cheeks. Then, somehow our fingers locked, Lucy’s warmth slowly filling up my cold heart. Then, her body inched closer and closer. My arms somehow found their way around her, and as I lay there holding her close, I allowed sleep to find its way to me.
Oh, how badly I needed someone to stay that night.
I was so thankful it was her.