Years ago, I would’ve been left in tears. A crumbling, quivering mess on the floor. Those days were gone. That wasn’t entirely true. There had been tears after Moses had showed up. But Connor and I had been so close that time. I had truly believed things were about to change.

I stared as the classroom door slowly closed and Connor rushed off to wherever he was going. This wasn’t new. The ecstasy of being with him, the sense of rightness and belonging enjoyed for a few moments and then ripped away. Even as my body still tingled from his touch, from his invasion.

Different day, different year, same goddamn story.

Not only were the tears gone, but so were the muttered promises of never again. Of curses and regret. Well no, regret was ever present. But even as I began to get dressed, I knew there would be a next time. There would always be a next time.

The only thing that changed over the years was that I was no longer certain Connor and I would ever experience a happily ever after. I was coming to terms with the fact that what we had was all we were ever going to have. Even so, I knew there’d never be a time without it. Sure, maybe months in between, maybe even years, but it wouldn’t end.

I didn’t want it to. And with that knowledge, the whispers that I was pathetic, delusional, and masochistic attempted to make themselves known, but I told them to fuck off. I’d become an expert at shutting them down, and it took little effort as I fixed the classroom. I picked up the dry-erase markers that had fallen, stared at Connor’s partly smudged drawings for a little too long, then went down the hall and got some soap and paper towels. I made certain Ms. Westfield would never be any wiser about how her desk had been defiled.

After affixing a smile onto my face, I reentered the gym and threw myself into helping take down the rest of the decorations. The only comment about me arriving late was from Gilbert, and even that was laced with humor.

No one had seen.

I’d told Seth it would be late by the time I was done helping my family and that I would see him the next day. But on my way home, I texted him. You awake?

He replied before I’d driven a block. Yep.

I’m coming over.

I turned my car around and headed toward Seth’s.

As I walked up the steps to his front porch, Seth opened the door and let me inside. I turned to him as he followed me in, and my resolution faltered.

He sighed. “Oh.” He sounded sad. “I wasn’t sure if you were coming over for a fuck or to end things. You don’t look like you’re here for a fuck.”

I’d been so sure of what I needed to do. But now he was in front of me, I didn’t want to. This wouldn’t be like before, when we could spend a few nights together for a few hours, then not see each other for months and then do it again. But now? This would be it. And I was going to miss him.

Seth was beyond sexy. When I took my rose-colored glasses off, I was aware he was more classically handsome than Connor, but it had never been about Connor’s looks, had it? With Seth, unlike most of my other hookups, I truly cared about him. We had history. Part of why we’d ended up where we were at that very moment.

Seth breathed out a puff of air, something between a snort and a laugh. “Damn, Micah. You look like you’re getting ready to shoot your favorite dog in the head.”

I grimaced, but the analogy at least gave me words again. “Holy shit, why would I shoot a dog in the head?”

“Like Old Yeller, to put me out of my misery.”

“Who’s Old Yeller?”

Seth stared at me, made a sound that was most definitely a laugh this time, and shook his head. “Well, thanks for the reminder of how much younger than me you are.”

“You’re only forty-one, Seth. You’re hardly my grandfather.”

“Yeah, well, I sure ain’t twenty-nine either.”

I barely managed to keep from reminding him I was twenty-seven. I could just picture his exaggerated wounded expression. Not helpful and most definitely not the point, even if it might ease the tension a little more. Then I hesitated again. This was one more example of why I didn’t want this to end. If I couldn’t be with Connor like I wanted, then at least I could be with someone I considered a friend, someone I cared about.

“It’s okay, Micah. You don’t have to explain. I’ve felt it coming. I was pretty sure the other night at dinner, and I was completely certain this evening.” His brows furrowed. “Then I second-guessed that maybe I was still misreading… things.”

I hadn’t considered this part on the drive over. Though I probably should’ve. I wasn’t sure how to proceed. It was one thing to end it with Seth, but if he talked, if he told his suspicions to anyone else, I couldn’t imagine what it would do to Connor.

Seth crossed the foyer, coming to a stop near enough to touch me, though he didn’t. He did meet my gaze, letting me see his sincerity. “Somewhere in all the hooking up over the years, you became my friend. In these last few months, though I didn’t realize it was happening, you became something more.” He swallowed and attempted a smile. “I need a little time, but at some point, you can just be my friend again, and I… I won’t say anything. You and Connor are both adults.”

Despite my desire to let the world know about Connor and me, having someone else know was maybe the most terrifying thing that ever happened, and I wasn’t prepared for it. “Connor and me? What do you mean?”

Seth just shook his head. “Sure, okay then.” He moved away, began walking back toward the door, clearly getting ready to show me out. “At least it makes sense why you came back to Lavender Shores. I never bought that you gave up all your violin dreams to come home and play farmer. Should’ve assumed it was for a guy. Although I never would’ve put those puzzle pieces together.” He turned the doorknob.

Before Seth could open the door, words burst from me. Unintended, but he’d stumbled onto the thing that drove me the craziest. “Everyone always thinks I’m insane for throwing away my music career to take up farming with Adrian. But I’m not. And I didn’t throw it away. I have the best of both worlds.”

As I spoke, I heard my volume rise, heard the anger I’d suppressed begin to turn into fury. Knowing that Mom and the rest of my family couldn’t quite understand why I would turn my back on the city for my love of the earth and Lavender Shores. Connor’s insistence I was only pretending to enjoy farming and owning the Green Violin so I could be near him. That my feelings for him were costing me my dreams.

“I’m so sick of people acting like I was this world-famous actor or some shit and I threw it all away to come back and dig in the dirt. I’m a musician who got to play in the Symphony and be in the background on several albums. I wasn’t exactly winning Grammys. And I still get to do it, at least the recording part. I was just in New York a couple of weeks ago. I love farming, and the store is pretty great too. I’m not just pretending to love Lavender Shores and love being here and love farming! I didn’t throw my whole life away just for Connor! In fact—” My words echoed back in my ears, and I shut my mouth, realizing what I’d just said. What I’d admitted to.

Seth stared at me wide-eyed, his hands still on the doorknob.

“Sorry, Seth. I didn’t mean to….” I had no fucking clue how to end that sentence.

He blinked several times as if considering, then released the doorknob. “You know, there’s more than one reason I’m the best bartender in Lavender Shores, or anywhere, for that matter.” He winked, some of the Seth I loved returning. The thought gave me pause. But it was true. I did love Seth. Just not in the way I loved Connor. Not even close. “Not only do I make the best mixed drinks around, but I know how to listen and I can keep a secret.”

I studied him for a moment, trying to make sure I understood what he was offering. “Are you serious? You actually want to sit down and listen to me talk about—” There was no use pretending. “—Connor? When I came here to end things?”

He shook his head. “No, I don’t. Not really. But whatever.” He crossed the foyer once more and this time took my hand. “I’m assuming no one else knows, right?”

I shook my head. My heart was beating so loud it seemed Seth should be able hear the rhythm. As nonplussed as I always made letting others know sound, when I talked about it with Connor, the reality was much more terrifying than I’d imagined.

Seth let out a long sigh, released my hand, and motioned to his living room. “For the next half hour, and no more, I will be playing the role of bartender. That’s as close as I can get to acting like your friend right now. The catch is that I’m tired and I’m only pouring us each a glass of wine. I don’t want to make martinis or anything else. And I know you don’t like red, but you’re going to deal with it. The benefit to you is that bartenders are better at keeping secrets than priests in a confessional.” He paused as he reached the wine rack beside the liquor cabinet and glanced back at me. “As soon as those thirty minutes are up, I’m kicking you out of my house, and while I’ll keep your secrets safe, I’ll be telling the town you’re really a bad fuck and that’s why we ended things. People do not break up with Seth Marino.”

A tear slipped, and I wiped it away and was surprised to hear a laugh in my voice. “Deal.”

Within a few minutes, we were both seated on his couch, with much more space between us than what we’d been used to. Seth looked at me expectantly. I took a sip of the red wine, tried to hide the grimace at the taste, which was little more than vinegar, and then stared at my lap.

“Time’s ticking, Micah.” Seth leaned over and patted my knee, drawing my attention to him, and then sat back once more. “Don’t know where to begin?”

I shook my head. Talk about an understatement.

“Want me to start?”

What had I done to deserve a friend like Seth? I nodded.

“Okay.” Seth didn’t have to think for very long. Maybe he’d already had questions rolling around in his mind. “So, did this thing start between you two the minute Connor moved in?”

I flinched. “No! Of course not. He was thirteen. I was nine.”

Seth raised a hand. “Calm down. I wasn’t accusing anyone of anything. And I hardly have the timeline of your childhood memorized. How the hell would I know how old the two of you were?”

In truth, for me it had started the minute Connor walked through the door. There’d never been a time when I hadn’t been in love with him. At least as much as a little kid could be. Complete hero worship at the beginning, but it always had a different flavor than the kind I bestowed upon my biological older brother. Maybe because Gilbert’s love and care for me came with a side order of annoyance, which is demanded of all older siblings. Connor’s never did.

Was I really going to share this story with Seth? Betray Connor’s trust?

Was it betrayal? If I needed to tell someone, anyone, after all these years?

“Connor was twenty. He’d come home from college. I was sixteen.”

Seth processed that information.

I wasn’t really sure why I had offered it, why I’d started there. Maybe as proof that Connor hadn’t been doing things with me when I was a kid.

“So that was the first time you two got together? First time Connor made a move?”

As well-intentioned and kind as Seth was being, he was only proving Connor’s fears right. Those fears I had downplayed over and over again. “No. I was the first one to make a move. I crept into his bed while he was sleeping one night.”

“Oh. I see.”

I doubted he did, especially now I was suddenly seeing things a little clearer from Connor’s perspective. “I tried to make a move on him that night, but he freaked out and told me to get out of his room.” It had been the first time Connor had ever raised his voice toward me.

Seth continued to study me with narrowed eyes. I didn’t feel judgment from him, but I couldn’t read his expression. Suddenly I didn’t want to do this anymore. The earlier impulse about betraying Connor heightened. Seth started to take another drink of wine, but paused, the glass halfway to his lips. “So when did—”

“I’m sorry, Seth. I can’t do this. It doesn’t feel right.” God, those were the words I should’ve said the first night we’d started dating. It had been meant to simply be fun, to be a distraction, for both of us.

Seth gave a little wince, then nodded. “Okay. I just thought you might need to talk.”

Maybe I did, but not like this. “I can’t ask that. World’s best bartender or not. This is unfair to you.” Just because that wasn’t the real reason I was cutting the conversation short didn’t make it any less true. “I should probably go. I’m sorry to waste your wine.” I slid the glass onto the small table at the edge of the sofa.

“Don’t worry. It won’t be wasted.” Seth attempted a smile and sounded relieved. “Are you going to be okay?”

“You’re way too kind to worry about me after all of this. But yeah, I always am.” I realized I’d only been thinking of me. Me and Connor’s and my secrets. “What about you?”

He waved me off. “I’ve had my heart trampled before. Nothing a good three-way or so won’t cure.”

More confirmation. I really had hurt him. The moment felt like it needed humor, some spike of relief, but I didn’t have it in me. So I simply nodded and stood. Seth followed my lead. We left the living room and headed back through the foyer. I paused at the front door and turned to give him a hug.

Seth hesitated but then hugged me back.

“Sorry, Seth. I really am.” It wasn’t a lie, not in the slightest.

He nodded against my ear, then pulled away.

I started to reach for the door but looked back one final time. “You really will keep this between us?”

I’d expected a look of insult or irritation across his features. Instead I only saw pity. “Yes, Micah. I promise.”