Mom tried to get us to stay the night, to sleep in Gilbert’s and my old room. It was tempting, to be surrounded in the safest place I knew. But at the same time, I was afraid if we stayed, I’d somehow make it more about me than about Moses. It was too familiar. Though it was my brother and not my parents who’d showed up, I couldn’t help but feel like I nearly lost it all once again. But that feeling was clarification enough. Moses had been the one in danger of losing everything, not me. Although, I supposed I was in danger of losing Moses. Considering I hadn’t even known he existed a year before, the thought of him being gone suddenly was one of the worst feelings I’d ever had.

We didn’t speak much on the way home, maybe not at all, everything was still a blur. My breathing became a touch more normal as we entered my apartment above Lavender Ink and I flipped the deadbolt. Moses stood in the middle of the living room, looking dazed and lost, and so much younger than Dillon, despite his height. I had no idea what to do—we should’ve stayed at my parents’.

Micah would know. Probably make Moses some hot chocolate or something, sit on the couch and get him to open up, to talk. I didn’t know how to do that, and I didn’t have any hot chocolate. “Movie?”

Moses blinked several times, met my gaze for a heartbeat, then nodded.

I nearly asked him which movie he wanted, but I knew he didn’t care. And I realized I already knew the right one. It was our go-to—X2. Though it had been made before Moses had even been born, it was his favorite of the series, mine as well.

We sat there and watched, about a foot of space between us on the couch, each of us wrapping our arms around the pillows in our laps. The movie did its magic. X-Men always did, the plot lines with the struggle of mutants resonating so well with people like Moses and me even after all these years. The ones who were different, the outcasts. It didn’t matter if you called us black sheep or pygmy goats. We weren’t like the rest of the world. And though I hadn’t forgotten that fact, my nearly two decades in Lavender Shores had lulled me into some sort of illusion of safety. All the while, the world had continued outside of the town borders. A young boy had been born, so much like myself, and had lived an alternate version of my own story.

We arrived at the part of the movie where the mansion is under attack and the mutant students at the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning use their powers to defend their home, and fail. The section hit a little too close to home, maybe I’d picked the wrong film to watch. I dared to glance at Moses. Sure enough, he was rigid, his eyes glued to the screen, his fists clenched.

Maybe he felt my gaze on him; he looked at me. “What if I have to go back?”

“You won’t.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes. I do. There was never any danger of that. None of us would’ve let that happen. Not ever. I’m your legal guardian now. There’s nothing anyone can do.” I knew the comment about God’s law had gotten to him. Remembered how that concept seemed to be bigger than everything else.

Moses wiped his cheeks quickly and gripped the pillow again. “I shouldn’t have stayed behind you. I should’ve faced him. He was right. I am a coward. I am a faggot.”

That word. I couldn’t remember a time without that word. Long before I’d come out to my birth family, there were always rants about faggots and other vile people in my household. “I’m one too, you know. You’re not alone.”

He gave his head a sharp shake. “You’re not a coward.”

“No, I’m not. And neither are you.” I snagged the remote off the arm of the sofa and started to turn off the movie, then thought better of it, instead turning the volume down so it was just loud enough to keep the room from being silent. “But I am gay. And I’m what the Clark family calls a faggot.”

Moses surprised me with a little laugh, and though an odd sort of smile crossed his lips, there was no humor in his eyes. “I’ve been scared of you my entire life.”

I flinched. I’d promised myself I wasn’t going to react negatively no matter what Moses said, but I hadn’t expected that. “You what?”

“I used to hate you. You were everything evil in the world. You were the one who had tried to destroy my family.”

I’d tried to talk about the Clarks with Moses after he moved in, but he’d shut me down. I wasn’t sure what to say to keep him talking. So I just went with it. “Moses, buddy, I didn’t even know you existed. When I moved in with the Bryants, your sister Sarah was two years old and your mom was pregnant with—” I took a second to remember the name of my other nephew I’d never met. “—Jacob. I didn’t know you were ever born, didn’t know about your cousins either. I promise I never wanted to hurt your family. I just wanted to stay away.”

Though Moses hadn’t talked much about his home life, I’d learned enough to know that my sister Susan had two children as well, both younger than Moses, but not by much. Somehow I’d managed to never consider that any nephews or nieces I might have could be in the same situation, that they might be gay. I’d mentioned that guilt to Dad shortly after Moses had arrived, wondering how I could’ve accepted so much love from them and never thought about the possibility of the hell continuing for other kids. He reminded me I’d been thirteen and that as I grew, life just became normal. The Clarks were little more than bad dreams and old scars. True enough, but the proof of my failure sat so near to me, hurting.

Moses stared at the movie, though I doubted he was really attempting to follow along. When he spoke, his voice was monotone. “Dad would preach about you. About his little brother who was captured by demons, was too weak to fight them, to be able to trust that God would cast them out of you.” He sniffed. “The whole time I knew I felt those same demons. And I swore I wouldn’t be as weak as you were. That I wouldn’t give in to them. That I would trust, that I would fight. That I would have faith.”

I hadn’t known my brother had started a church until Moses. But I could imagine what Moses’s life had been like, with Russell inheriting our mother’s religious fanaticism and our dad’s abusive tendencies. I supposed it made sense to turn me into the bogeyman. How much more terrifying if the evil had claimed a kid from your own family. One who could come back and try to capture you as well.

Again, I didn’t know what to say. Wasn’t even sure which of the emotions I was feeling were for Moses and which ones were for me.

“I knew the youth center was a bad idea.”

That took me a moment. I’d been so trapped in the past, it was hard to come back. “You did? I didn’t realize you felt one way or another about it.”

Moses shrugged. “I was afraid to say something. There aren’t many people in Dad’s church, but they’ll fight over that.”

“They won’t win, Moses. One, they don’t have the resources, and two, more importantly, they’re just wrong. The world has changed. More people have an open mind. The place you and I come from, the things we were taught, those are evil. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but that’s what it is.”

“I know that.” When he met my gaze, his eyes were clear though exhausted. “I know you’re not evil. I know your family isn’t evil. I know this town isn’t evil.”

On impulse I started to reach out and touch him, then hesitated. Then gave in. Though he still held the pillow against him, I gripped his forearm, gave a little squeeze and let my hand linger there for a few more moments. “My family is your family. You’re a Bryant now too. And you aren’t evil.”

He opened his mouth, and I could tell he was getting ready to argue. Tell me why I wasn’t evil but he was. Then he gave another shrug. I thought he was going to return to silence, but instead he went a different way. “You keep saying that, that you’re a Bryant. That I’m a Bryant now. Your whole family says that. And I can tell they mean it. But your last name is still Clark. They didn’t adopt you. You’re not really theirs.”

Now there was an old wound scratched open. One I’d nearly gone back and tried to rectify countless times over the years, but never had the nerve for some reason. Well, I knew the reason, or reasons—there were two. “They tried to adopt me. Or offered. Right after all the legal ties my parents had over me were severed. But, I think you’ll understand this, I’d only been with them a little over a year. I was already head over heels in love with all of them, already calling them Mom and Dad and brother and sister, but part of me still feared they were evil, like my mother, your grandmother, had said. At the time, I wasn’t sure, I thought maybe I would change still. That I would get this demon out of me, and be good enough for God, good enough for the family. But if I took the Bryant name, was fully adopted by them, I knew there wouldn’t be a chance of that. Like signing a deal with the devil to sell my soul.”

The nod Moses gave confirmed he didn’t need any further explanation at all. It didn’t surprise me.

“I was wrong, Moses. They weren’t evil, I wasn’t evil, and I was already more their child than I’d ever been to Peter and Marjorie Clark.” I nearly told him my thoughts of God now, but knew that would be pushing way too far. Nearly told him how I’d almost asked the Bryants countless times to revisit the adoption conversation. I knew they were afraid to push. And then I was an adult, and it would’ve just seemed silly. Even so I’d been tempted when I’d been at college. Wanted to hear the teachers call me Connor Bryant instead of Connor Clark.

But then the thing with Micah happened. I couldn’t ask after that.

“Well, it’s just a name anyway, right?” Moses sounded like he was trying to make me feel better. Maybe I’d let more regret show in my voice than I’d meant to. “You’re still obviously their family.”

I leaned across him to flick on the lamp and held out my right hand in front of him, so that he could see the heart—one side made up of lavender flowers, the other half blue waves—that was tattooed on the back of my hand. “Every member of my family has these. Everyone. Proof that we’re family.”

He studied it, though he’d seen it before. “Don’t some of the Kellys have this too?”

“Yeah. All of them. It’s a little different than with the Bryants, but they’re still family.”

Moses nodded, still staring at the tattoo.

I’d showed him, hoping he’d suggest getting one. So that I could give him some proof that he truly was with his family. That nothing could separate him from us, from me.

He didn’t.

Maybe he was waiting on me to say it, to ask if he wanted one. But I was afraid if I did, he would feel pressured, or that it would just freak him out.

He blinked a few times, wiped away a fresh tear and then looked at me once more. He seemed more himself. Like he was returning to the older than seventeen-year-old that he normally was. “I want to stay here. With you.”

“You will. I swear it.”

Moses simply nodded, glanced at the TV, and sighed. “I’m going to go to bed. I’ll try not to have dreams tonight.” He stood.

The chance of him not having dreams was nearly laughable. I imagined he knew that as well. Hell, the chance of me not having nightmares was laughable. “Moses.”

He’d been about to turn down the hallway toward the bedroom when he glanced back.

Even though I meant them with every ounce of my soul, I had to force the words from me, having never said them before. Knowing that once they were out, I couldn’t take them back. All too aware that if somehow I did lose him, I would never recover. “I love you.”

Moses blinked a couple of times, looked close to tears again. His lips moved silently and then closed tight. He gave another tight nod and headed to his bedroom.

I barely slept again that night, but it wasn’t because of dreams, though Moses had plenty of them for both of us. I couldn’t shake the feeling that now I’d told my nephew I loved him, I was destined to lose him. Court ruling and legal paperwork or not. As the night dragged slowly on, the demons of my childhood came back, mingling with new ones. I could almost picture my mother and father bursting through my apartment door. Russell close on their heels. The three of them sweeping Moses away so I would never see him again.

As I finished my pack of cigarettes on the balcony and the light of dawn began to vanquish the stars, I called Gilbert.

By four o’clock in the afternoon, Gilbert and Walden knocked on the door of the apartment. I let them in. Moses was already packed and excited to go. Actually, not so much excited as relieved. I’d debated on how frank to be with him. It was tempting to simply tell him that Gilbert and Walden had wanted to move up their trip, make it sound like nothing more than a fun time. Instead, I reminded myself he wasn’t a child, and that honesty would probably make him feel safer than anything.

Even though I knew it was the right plan, I didn’t want to let him out of my sight, not even for a moment. I reiterated my logic out loud, more to convince myself than any thought that Moses wasn’t clear on it. “The Clarks have no idea where Gilbert’s home is. If they come back, the rest of us will deal with it. You don’t have to worry about anything. You can call as much you want. And by that, I mean you’re calling every damn day whether you want to or not.” I laughed, hearing the tremor in Mom’s voice when I left for college echoed in my own. “Actually, at least once in the morning and once at night. But more is fine too.”

The smile Moses gave conveyed the words he hadn’t repeated to me the night before.

“There’s nothing to worry about, and we’re going to have a blast.” Walden snagged Moses’s suitcase. “But if you get the chance to get away from your tattoo needles downstairs, it would be great to have you come up for a few days.”

Gilbert sucked in a breath. “Actually, that’s a great idea! I don’t know why I didn’t mention it to you this morning. Walden and I met this guy this past winter. He just moved to the area. I think you’d really hit it off. I mean, maybe you don’t want to date long-term, but long enough to—” His gaze flicked to Moses, then back to me. “—start a book study or something.”

Moses laughed uncomfortably, and Walden rolled his eyes. “It’s a good thing we’re not planning on having children.”

Gilbert shrugged. “Why do you think we’re never asking Hayley’s kids to visit? One week with me full-time and after she got them back, I’m fairly certain she’d hire a hit man.”

“I bet you’re right.” I inspected Moses. “You sure you’re okay with this? You feel comfortable?” Maybe it wasn’t the brightest idea, considering our conversation just a few hours ago, to send him on an extended trip with Gilbert. Walden was one thing; he was used to keeping conversations child appropriate. Gilbert might say the wrong thing and trigger all Moses’s past lessons of how evil the gays were.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’ll be fun.” Moses sounded like he meant it. A part of me felt a little hurt that he wasn’t more determined to stay with me. Ridiculous.

“Wow, brother, that was subtle.” Gilbert narrowed his eyes at me. “I’m not going to corrupt our boy here, I promise. I just can’t guarantee there won’t be some four-letter words every once in a while. Or, every hour on the hour for that matter.” His teasing expression turned serious, and he looked at Moses. “Actually, while we’re on that topic. I wanted to apologize for last night.”

Moses’s brows knitted. “For what? I’m the one who should apologize to you, for bringing all of that into your family.”

If I hadn’t already, the growl in Gilbert’s voice would’ve caused me to love him forever. “Never apologize for that. And you are family.” As he spoke, his gaze flicked from Moses to me, and I realized his apology was meant just as much to me as to Moses, maybe more so. “I made it sound to your waste-of-space father like we are better than his family because we have money. We’re not. I only said that because I knew it was the only thing he couldn’t fight. And fair or not, this part I won’t apologize for; if that’s what it takes to keep you safe, then we’ll use it.” Maybe for the first time, I noticed Gilbert’s cheeks blush. “That seventy grand I said I made last month? Well, over half of it was used to purchase the diamonds that went into the jewelry. The other part was spread out over four months of work.” His eyes widened, and he hurried forward. “Not that we don’t have enough money to protect you, we do. I just….”

Walden jumped in as Gilbert’s words faded into a mumble. “Realized you sounded like a rich douchebag?”

“Yeah. That.” Gilbert gave another shrug and cast another apologetic glance my way and then attempted a smile at Moses.

I couldn’t help myself. I wrapped Gilbert up in a hug, completely overwhelmed by my love for him. But made sure to end the hug by rubbing my knuckles roughly on the top of his head. “All is good, Shorty.”

Gilbert sputtered and pushed himself away. He shared a commiserating glance with Moses. “Almost six foot and this is what I get. My entire life, being called Shorty by this fucker.” His eyes narrowed, and then he grimaced. “What am I talking to you for? You’re just as much of a tall freak as he is.” He sighed. “I’d say I needed to find a new family, but then I went ahead and married a guy several inches taller than myself.” He rolled his eyes. “Apparently, I just found a new issue to talk about in therapy.”

Yep. I couldn’t love that rich douchebag any more if I had to.

It was all I could do to let go of Moses when I hugged him goodbye. But, there was a sense of relief as I watched the three of them drive away. If the Clarks wanted to cause more drama, at least Moses wouldn’t have to deal with it.

At nearly seven o’clock, I was wrapping up my final tattoo session of the evening when I realized I’d be walking up to my apartment alone. That I could sleep in my own bed again instead of the pullout. Though I would miss Moses, that part sounded like pure heaven, and the thought of bed, the thought of an apartment without my nephew, brought Micah to mind. The look he’d given me the night before when we’d planned Moses’s trip.

I knew Micah would be asleep in Seth’s bed that night, or the other way around, but I was just as certain that he’d be in mine before Moses returned. Probably several times.