Don’t talk to me ever again. I write the words out on my phone and hit send. Within seconds, my phone starts to vibrate erratically. It’s Jackson and he wants to talk on the phone.

I hit the red deny button, but he calls back even faster this time. Another quick deny just shows his tenacity. “Fine,” I answer the phone. “What do you want, Jackson? I don’t want to talk to you. Seriously, just leave me alone.”

“It wasn’t all my fault,” he begins to beg. “He took the first swing, Fiona. Look, the video shows that. Doesn’t it?”

“I’ve heard this same excuse a million different ways. I know how this goes. You apologize profusely, until everyone feels sorry for you. Then, you act good for a few weeks, but eventually you go back to the same old crap,” I say, feeling exhausted. I have a deadline for another player due in a week and I just want the time to stare at my computer screen, and do the work that I need to do. “I’m not getting played anymore. Let this one go, Jackson.”

“Baby, I—” I cut him off before he can say whatever it is he’s about to say.

“Baby? Come on, those days are over,” I say, taking another deep breath. I need to calm down before I have a breakdown.

I know how this looks. I’m just the shrill woman who can’t deal with an arrogant, cocky man. That, I’m sure, is how Landon saw me in the first place. It’s not fair, but I can’t worry about how I look to some sports players. It’s my job to worry about how they look. And yeah, I’m pretty pissed that Jackson couldn’t go one week without slamming his fist across his best friend’s nose.

“Are you serious?” he asks into the receiver. It’s quiet where he is and I can tell he wants me to say that this was all a joke, that maybe I’ll let this one slide. Only, I can’t. I think it’s about time. We had our fun and now it’s gotten too complicated. I’m not about to get fired over this crap.

“I’m serious, Jackson. And I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I even came out to Portland. It wasn’t exactly my choice,” I mutter, holding my breath. Truth is, I want this to work out more than anything. But I’ve given him plenty of chances. He could have put in more of an effort, but he didn’t think it was a big enough deal. It makes me feel like I’m nothing to him.

“Fiona,” he whispers. “Let me come over, at least. I’ll cook you dinner. I’ll be on my best behavior. I promise you,” he says. I promise you. My doorbell rings. It’s Jennifer. She’s come over to help me with a new client’s interview. She understands all the crap I’ve been through.

“You’ve said those words plenty of times before, Jackson. Look, I’m sorry. I have to go.” I hang up the phone and walk up to the door. Tears push past my eyelids and fall down my cheeks. I wish I were stronger sometimes. I wish I didn’t feel these emotions all of the time. I wish I could just find a normal man who would do anything for me. Instead, I fall for all the bad guys in the world.

“No more Jackson?” Jennifer asks me as she walks inside my place.

“No more boyfriend,” I say solemnly. “Ugh. What even is my life right now?”

“Well, I’ve come bearing gifts,” she says, holding a bag of Mexican food, from the same restaurant I went to the other day. This makes me bawl. I grab the bag and just fall to my couch, tears streaming down.

“Oh my God,” she says, jumping back a little. Startled, she whispers “Are you okay, honey? Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” I cry. “You’re amazing. You’re the best friend a girl could ever ask for.”

“Okay…” She’s keeping her distance by grabbing some plates. She pours us a soda and I try and keep myself as composed as I can. “Here you go.” She hands me a plate of food.

“Did I make the right choice?” I ask her. Images flash in my head. Only, this time they’re different. Instead of sex, I keep thinking about all of the really big moments. I think about the nice restaurant he took me too, the curb we sat on together, and the night we admitted to each other that there was something more between us.

Now, there’s none of that. “Let’s weigh your options,” Jennifer says. “No more sex, no more expensive romantic dinners… although, you didn’t do that too many times, did you? Never mind, don’t answer that. No more, uh, rough sex, spontaneity, and no more hot, God he was so hot, Jackson. Damn, why are you asking me this? You know my stance on Jackson. Use him for his cock, over and over again, until you get bored. Then, throw him out.”

“Oh, God.” I start crying again. I stuff a pillow over my face.

“Well, are you bored yet?” she asks me.

I let the pillow fall back to the couch and I give her a blank stare. “Okay, so that answers that. You aren’t bored yet. Got it,” she says, awkwardly. “I’m just messing around when I shouldn’t be. You’re clearly hurt and I want to be here for you. I’m really sorry sweetie-pie. More than you know.”

“Jen, I’m a grown woman. I should be able to handle this type of stuff every now and then,” I pause and sigh, wiping more tears from my eyes. It’s like a never ending stream at this point. “It’s just different with him, though. Like, I was starting to really fall for him, you know?”

“I do, baby,” she rubs my back, tickling up my neck to my hairline. Baby. Everything just reminds me of him. I’m constantly reminded about our short time together. Those nights that felt so right, and so wrong at the same time. It was like we would escape together someday. I really fell… in love with him.

“But he was just some guy, you know? He’s an asshole,” she says. “All football players are. It just comes with the territory.” She fakes a smile.

“The thing is, I don’t think he is. Deep down, I think he’s probably a really good guy. He’s just misunderstood,” I tell her, turning on the TV. On the Sports Network, his image is shown a million times over. They should really try and rename the network to the Jackson Leeman station at this point.

“I’ve heard that one before.” She laughs at me. “Look at the TV right now. Look at that guy. He’s a maniac, right? Do you really want to end up with someone like that? I mean, really?”

I shrug and take a few bites of my taco. “I mean, at first glance, no. I don’t. But that’s what I’m saying. He was provoked. Landon has been trying to get him disqualified for weeks now,” I say.

“Well, it looks like he is succeeding,” she says.

“Yeah,” I sigh. “It’s not fair. I feel like if we met in a year from now, things would be better. It’s this damn Super Bowl. It makes people go crazy.”

“It’s more than that, honey,” she says, with a tinge of sarcasm. I don’t appreciate it.

“What if I loved him?” I ask, almost out of nowhere. “What if I envisioned a life with him? Kids, a house, a garden… you know, that sort of thing. Now all that is taken away from me.”

“Oh my God,” she says. Her voice rises like three keys up. “You loved him? Are you serious, Fiona?”

“I don’t know!” I exclaim, taking another bite from my taco. The tears have started to dry. I’m just feeling a tad bit embarrassed now. “I’m not saying I did, okay? I’m just asking you. What if I did?”

“Well, then I’d say you should fight for it,” she says, turning serious. “But I don’t know, Fiona. You’ve put your career on the line for him. I’d never do that shit for any guy, let alone some jock. It’s up to you though. This is your life. Remember that.”

So, do I love him? I can’t stop thinking about him, that’s for sure. I can’t stop thinking about our nights, his touch, and his lips. He made me feel so fucking good. He made me feel loved. So, do I love him? Well, I did. But now, I just don’t know. I have to think about bigger things than love, like my own trajectory.

While I struggle thinking about this, Jennifer has made her own whisky-cola combination and she’s drinking it down pretty fast. In thirty minutes, she’ll be drunk as a skunk. This is the woman I’m getting love advice from.

I feel my phone vibrate and I nearly scream from the stress of everything. “I swear, Jackson won’t stop texting me,” I say. “It’s beyond annoying.”

“That’s because he ain’t getting no pussy no more,” she says, looking at her phone.

I grab mine and glare at the screen. It’s Joseph. Fuck. I noticed your little video. Care to explain?

I sink into the couch cushion and Jennifer knows something is wrong. “Uh oh,” she says. “Spill it. What’s happened now?”

“Nothing,” I groan. “It’s just my boss. He just saw the video.”

“You know, for a head position at a PR firm, he doesn’t find out about things that quickly. Does he?” she jokes.

I ignore her and think of something to text him back with. I tell him the truth, that Jackson is a total asshole. I use different wordage, obviously. Look, if you want, you can deal with the mess that is Jackson Leeman. I’ve done everything that I can. He won’t listen to me. Find another agent if you need to. You have until today to tell me your plans.

My breathing quickens and my pulse seems to go right along with it. This is fucked, but for once, I’m sticking up for myself. A smile actually breaks out onto my face.

“What are you so happy about now? You’re like a rollercoaster of emotions right now,” she says. “I’m concerned, Fiona.”

“I just gave my boss an ultimatum,” I laugh. “Never done that before. It feels kind of… nice.”

“Oh, boy. This is where it starts. The downfall of Fiona Breckinridge’s life.” She rolls her eyes. “Be careful, woman.”