CHAPTER THIRTY TWO
Worth
Auggie was gone. It had been more than a month now, but I couldn’t get the thought out of my head and I felt like I was going to go mad. Damn the woman! Couldn’t she see I was dealing with something bigger than both of us? Was her answer always to run when the going got tough?
I had the corner table at Joe’s. In fact, I’d had it since noon. He was coming and it was going to be a showdown. Once and for all.
I recognized his silhouette in the doorway, the sun and the noise from the overhead bridge framing him. It was a shape that delivered nightmares. It had come at bedtimes, a result of a broken window from a thrown baseball or a dandelion that had escaped my weeding. The nightmare carried a belt that flexed with vengeance.
There were others who looked up, who knew and who turned away to avoid the nod. He was not well liked. He was only permitted because I was here.
He advanced upon me, but this time, it was I who wore the look of disapproval. He stopped at my table and I simply looked at him, refusing to stand in acknowledgment. He finally slid the opposing chair back and fell into it. I noticed that he was moving more stiffly than he used to. I didn’t give a damn.
I didn’t waste the time with preambles or small talk. “Why have you sabotaged my business?”
“What makes you think it is me?” He was gruff, unforgiving, even in guilt.
“You just gave yourself away. You used the present tense.” I sipped my bourbon cautiously, keeping my head clear.
“Are you afraid of a little challenge, boy?” he asked, chuckling and taking a draw off his cigar.
The bartender called over to him, “No smoking in here, sir.”
He looked around at the filled ashtrays and puffs of smoke from around the room and swore as he smashed it into the tabletop. “Heard your filly left you.” He went for the juggler.
“I hardly think you’re in a position to discuss relationships, now, are you?”
He didn’t say a word.
“I want it stopped. Now. What will it take?”
“Give her up.” I knew who he meant and I didn’t think I could hate anyone more than I did him at that moment.
“Fuck you.”
He chuckled, stood, lit another cigar and then shrugged his shoulders. “Up to you, but you’re already fucked, son.” He strolled out, calling hello to each man sitting down the row of stools as though they were intimate friends on the golf course.
***
I drove to the condo, but barely. I’d only had a total of four hours’ sleep over the past two nights and I was barely able to distinguish the headlights that blinded me. I pulled in and realized I hadn’t locked the door when I left in the early morning. Nothing was touched. No one was here. Not even Auggie.
I found empty bourbon bottles scattered on the kitchen floor so I went after the wine in the rack. It would take more, but it would work. There was nothing edible in the fridge, so I grabbed a box of crackers and headed for the guest room, the last place she’d slept. If I tried really hard, I could still smell her scent on the sheets. Like a small child seeking comfort, I wrapped myself in them… in her absent skin.
The scene kept playing over and over in my mind. I had walked in, exhausted and in a mental turmoil and there was that awful silence. I called her name — no response. I checked and saw her car was missing, so I supposed she was shopping or maybe visiting her parents. I went in to shower and that was when I found the rings on my dresser. The exhaustion instantly disappeared and I went on mental alert. I called her phone, even though I didn’t expect her to answer and she didn’t. I called her dad and he would only say that she was fine, but she was gone. As pitiful as it was, it did give me a sense of relief that as long as he was in her loop, and apparently not worried, I knew she was safe.
There was only the one explanation for her absence — she had left me. The question was whether she was close at hand, or had gone some distance. I’d gotten back into the car and headed to the clinic, hoping against hope that there would be a message waiting on my answering machine or a note on my desk. There was nothing.
I drove to her parents’ farm. My headlights alerted her Dad and I found him waiting for me outside, away from the house. “Where is she?” tumbled out of my mouth.
“I honestly don’t know,” he said and I knew him to be a truthful man. He was also a calm man and he was calm now.
“Has she left me?” I dreaded his response.
“It would appear so. What did you do?” he asked in a solemn voice.
“Nothing, everything… I’ve been in a mess at the clinic and distant, but the alternative was to snap and be short-tempered with her. I thought it would be better if she slept elsewhere so we wouldn’t talk. I didn’t want her upset.”
“You didn’t realize it would upset her to be set aside? She’s too loving and nurturing to take that kind of treatment. She’s a wild spirit and as long as you let her be herself, she’s the most loyal damn person you could have in your corner. You, of all people, should know that.” That was the tersest I’d ever heard him be, and I deserved every fucking word of it.
We stood there in the circle of light created by the spot mounted high atop the pole next to the barn. It felt like a judgment, or perhaps more of a condemnation. “Can I see Carlos?” I asked, yearning to be close to something of hers that was gentle and innocent, if only by proxy.
“She took him,” her dad responded bluntly. “Right now, with the possible exception of me, he’s the only living thing on this planet she feels loves her and that she can trust. I’ll be damned if I’m going to betray her,” he said, pushing his hands into his pockets and turning back toward the house. He kicked at rocks along the way, his only method of displaying emotion in a house that belonged to his dramatic wife.
“Sir?” I called after him and he stopped but didn’t turn around.
“Did you know?” I couldn’t be any more oblique than that.
Now he turned and regarded me with, if anything, more disdain than before. “Know? Hell, I drove her down there the minute after I said ‘I do.’ Go home, Worth, or wherever that still means to you.”
His words were still fresh in my mind, despite the empty wine bottle and the lack of sleep. I ached for her. I realized now that I had responded in the same way I’d been taught to handle anything, with cruelty and an utter disdain for those closest to me. They say you only hurt the people you love. In my case, he hurt me because he had loved my brother better. Perhaps in his world, I was all that stood between him and the pride he wanted to take in a son that stood for something better. Could I blame the bastard? I had lived up to every rotten thing he could have thought of… and then some.
I must have finally passed out because the burning came again and it was sunlight, forcing its way through the slats in the blind to scorch my already seared head.
I opened my eyes only a slit, at first, hoping to gradually acclimate but there was a figure standing in the doorway to the bedroom. I drew in my breath and sat upright, eyes fully aware and unbelieving of what they saw.
Auggie stood in the doorway, her face thin and her hair needing to be brushed. I couldn’t think of what to say. I’d rehearsed our reunion a hundred times with as many outcomes, but now I was struck dumb. She took care of the problem, as always.
“I’m pregnant,” she announced and turned to run into the bathroom. I heard her retching.