CHAPTER TWENTY
Xavier
Riley was as pale as a ghost. She looked so small too, sitting there across from me. A part of me itched to reach across the table and pull her into my lap, to tell her I was sorry, that I should have left her alone and never dragged her into my twisted life. But I couldn’t do that because if I did, things would just become harder. It would make putting the space we needed between us ache even worse.
I knew I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t like a lot of guys out there. I wasn’t looking for a white picket fence and a woman to put a ring on. I’d always been honest with myself about this. Maybe I should have let Riley know what I was like the day we met, but what was done was done. At least I was giving her the straight-up truth now. From here on out, she could make her own decisions with the information I’d provided her.
If she wanted to still get together occasionally, wonderful. If not, I’d live with it. I was used to things not working out. I knew how to pick up the pieces and get on with my life.
Riley finally spoke, her words sounding like nothing more than an echo of her usual voice. “I don’t know what to say.”
She turned those big eyes on me, and my chest started to ache. Damn this woman. She was going to make me do things I’d regret. She was going to turn me into a person I didn’t recognize.
“I need to think about this.” She stood and pressed her hands together.
“What’s to think about?” My own words made me wince. It’s what I wanted to say, but it came out wrong.
Riley looked down at me, and there was something entirely new in her eyes. It was regret… it was pity. “You really think there’s nothing to think about?” She shook her head. “If that’s so, I feel sorry for you, Xavier. I really do.”
With that, she walked away. By the time I turned in my seat, she was going through the front door. I was left by myself, thick balls of heat rolling under my skin. It was a degree of anger I hadn’t felt in a long time. It came in fast explosions, each one making me feel like I was being ripped apart all over again.
I closed my eyes, but there was nothing new to see there. It was the same hard, angry black.
One… Two… Three… Four.
I silently counted away. It was a technique I employed only when I was really close to losing control. If I weren’t in a coffee shop, there’s a good chance the table in front of me would have been turned over.
“What’s up, bro? You meditating?”
No fucking way. My eyes snapped open, and I stared at one of the last people I wanted to see right now. Seth sat in Riley’s vacated seat slurping from a plastic cup. He grinned at me around the straw, every bit the cocky frat boy I didn’t want to be sharing a table with.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
Seth just grinned even wider. “It’s me. Believe it or not.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Watching an awesome show, apparently. Who was that chick you were fighting with?”
“We weren’t fighting,” I answered quickly. Too quickly.
“Oh, so you were role-playing? In the middle of a coffee shop too? Kinky.”
“Why are you bothering me, Seth?”
He frowned. “I just came over to say hi. Jesus. Get the stick out of your ass, Fields.”
I sighed. I should probably have apologized to Seth for snapping at him, but with him, that would have meant relinquishing my pride. I definitely wasn’t going to do that. “I’m not in a good mood right now.”
“I can see that.” He set his cup down on the table and leaned close to me. “Really, though. Who’s the girl with the legs? Is she on the list yet?”
My nails dug into my palms. Riley may not have been my girlfriend, but that didn’t mean I liked the idea of Seth’s grubby little paws all over her.
“Xavier? Come on. What’s her name? I want to look her up.”
I worked my tongue around my dry mouth. I had to answer. There was only one exception to girls going on the list, and that’s when they were your serious girlfriend. If I were to tell Seth to back off, that would mean that I claimed Riley as my own. Which meant I wouldn’t be able to access the women already on the list. Doing so would be considered an act of greed. To the three others in my circle, it would look like I was keeping the best to myself while still indulging on the side. That went completely against code. It would be akin to a toddler taking one toy and claiming it was his and only his while still helping himself to his friends’ toy boxes.
One of the core concepts of the list was that we shared information freely. There was no hoarding of women unless you were done with the database, whether temporarily or long-term.
“Riley. Her name is Riley Carson.” The words covered my tongue in a thick, nasty smoke. Saying them felt like a betrayal. I knew it wasn’t though. I was a mess right now. My stupid emotions were getting the better of me.
“Huh, I thought it would be something nicer. So, what’s the deal? Is she your girlfriend?” He laughed at his own joke. Seth, like everyone else who knew me, understood that I didn’t do girlfriends.
He stood up and stretched. “Is she on the list yet?”
“No,” I said to the table. “She’s not on there. I only recently met her.”
“Sweet. Come on, let’s go put her in now. I need to go to the office anyway. I was so wasted last night I left my iPhone there.”
My legs were lead, but I forced them to move. I didn’t want to put Riley on the list, but I also understood that doing so would be good. It would help me move on from what was happening between us. It would help me forget that I came within an inch of losing myself.
I led the way to the club while Seth prattled on about his new yacht and how much it had cost his father. Enigma was completely empty. We were still hours away from the staff arriving. The second we walked in, my eyes went to the spot at the bar where I’d fucked Riley. My gut wrenched at the memory. I sped my pace up and took us upstairs.
Once inside the office, Seth sat down and typed Riley’s information into the database while I dictated. Each word was painful, but the agony was a sign. It meant I needed to get rid of this silly attachment I’d been forming. Riley needed to become just another woman to me, one to offer me occasional company and sex.
Finishing the file was a relief. Seth downloaded a picture from Riley’s Facebook page, but I had no desire to look and see which one it was. All I wanted was a stiff drink.
“I’m hitting up that new rooftop bar,” Seth announced as he stood. “You wanna go? I can get us into the VIP section.”
I turned away from him and helped myself to the minibar. “No, thanks.”
“Your loss.”
He breezed out of the room without another word. I took my whiskey and settled onto the couch. The computer leered at me from across the room. I could have gotten up right then and deleted Riley’s file. I could have called Seth up and told him to forget about this whole thing, that Riley was mine and he needed to stay away from her.
But I didn’t. What I was doing was necessary. It might have stung like hell, but it seemed to be my only option.