CHAPTER THIRTY ONE
Auggie
I drove home through a stream of tears and with each mile, the resolution in my willful soul strengthened. I pulled into a tire store and as I waited, they welded a trailer hitch onto the back of the Escalade. I drove back to the condo knowing I had at least two hours before Worth was due home.
I had come to a decision. It wasn’t what I wanted to do but every time in my life that something threatened, I retreated. It was the way I coped with things I could not change.
I packed an assortment of clothing and shoes and stowed these in the back of the car. I gathered up my personal papers and my laptop, and I left my engagement ring and Worth’s class ring on his dresser.
I stopped by the phone store and bought a new cell with a private number.
As I drove to the farm, I called Dad to meet me in the stable. He was there when I arrived. I hugged him.
“Dad, I don’t want to go into details, but I admire you more than any man alive. I’m going to text you one time from a new phone number and I’m asking you not to give it to anyone, not even Mother and most especially, not to Worth. I’m leaving and taking Carlos with me. I’ll be fine. I don’t know where I’m going but I need to be on my own. I hope you will understand.”
Dad looked at me with tears in his gentle eyes and he understood something dark must be behind this move. He and I had always shared a mutual understanding; we were very much alike. I wondered again how he could have spent these years with a creature like my mother.
He helped me hitch the trailer to the Escalade and to load Carlos and all the feed, grooming equipment, saddle, and blankets I would need. He hugged me, hard, and kissed me on the cheek and then turned and walked to the house so he wouldn’t have to watch me drive away.
As I pulled down the drive, I threw my old cell toward Mother’s bedroom window. It was symbolic as in giving her my old life and claiming my own. Let her deal with the questions. I doubted Worth would barely notice and chances are he would feel a distinct relief.
There was a thunderstorm building in from the west as I crossed the Ohio River and headed in its direction. It seemed very fitting, considering the turmoil my life was in at the moment.
Typically, I loved storms, but, this time, was a little different. I was pulling a nervous horse in a trailer and was on roads that weren’t familiar to me. I could feel the wind picking up whenever the road led slightly north or south, catching me on the broadside. I was fighting the wheel, trying not to over-correct as it spun around the vehicle. I chose the right lane and cut my speed down to forty-five mph, but it was still a bit dicey. I finally gave in and took an exit.
Ahead of me was a building that appeared to be a small factory that had since shut down. At least it had plenty of room for the trailer, so that’s where I headed. I got out of the Escalade and could hear Carlos knocking around, so I opened the trailer enough to climb in with him.
There was barely enough room for him and I was afraid he might lunge and knock me into the trailer side. The safest place I could think of was to sit astride, so I got a toe hold and boosted myself up. I laid flat on his back, rubbing his sides with my hand.
The storm picked up and while I generally reveled in their fury, this was bordering on the extreme. At one point, it felt like the trailer even lifted and slammed back down. I even managed to snicker a bit, seeing myself and Carlos in the trailer, spinning out of control as it flew to Oz. I knew, without a doubt, who would play the witch.
Eventually, the worst of it passed and I backed Carlos out and walked him around the parking lot and into the side grass a bit, letting him cool from the rain and get a sense of himself again.
I wasn’t certain where we were, but it was a remote, rural area of southern Indiana. Not a single vehicle had passed us the entire time, so I thought this was as good a place as any to spend the night. Carlos went back to his trailer temporarily, and I into mine. I laid the seat flat and covered up with my jacket.
I had never known such a sad, lonely feeling as I did that night. It was as if all the grief I’d ever felt throughout my life settled on my shoulders at the same time and weighed me down so heavily, I could barely breathe. I cried hard, hard tears… so hard that my chest ached afterwards. How could Worth abandon me like this? I really thought he loved me and would not let his father drive a wedge between us, but apparently I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did.
All the plans I had envisioned — the house, sleeping with Worth each and every night, our children playing in the yard and taking their first riding lessons — it was all gone now. It was just Carlos and me and the open road.
There was a tapping noise that awakened me and I was startled at first. I opened my eyes and it took me a moment to orient myself. There was a police officer standing next to the vehicle.
I rolled down the window. “Good morning,” I said sleepily.
“Miss,” he acknowledged and tipped his hat. “May I see your driver’s license and registration, please?” he asked. I fumbled in my purse for my wallet and found the registration in the glove box.
“Here you are.”
“Where are you headed?” he asked and I began to cry again. “I don’t know,” I wailed.
“Ma’am, why don’t you step out of the car a moment,” he said, opening the door handle as I unlocked it.
“Am I in trouble?” I asked, tears streaming. “I’m sorry… it was the storm last night. The trailer was all over the road and I thought it would be safer to find somewhere to park and this place looked deserted and I only meant to stay a couple of hours and then I fell asleep…” I rambled on and on, and he tipped back his hat.
“Ms. Langford,” he said, looking at my license. “Are you in trouble?”
I blinked. “Well, that’s what I asked you.”
“You shouldn’t be parked here without permission of the owner but there haven’t been any complaints filed and its private property so I don’t have jurisdiction. What I mean to ask is whether there is something wrong? You seem pretty out of sorts.”
“I broke up with my fiancé and I’m leaving town,” I offered by way of explanation and he nodded.
“Sure you shouldn’t maybe turn around and head back? Maybe you two can work it out and you’ll be a whole lot safer than draggin’ that horse behind you.”
“No, no… I’ll be fine. I know horses, officer. Carlos has been mine for some time. I’ll head west, I guess,” I finished lamely.
“Well, if you’re set on that, I suggest that you move on now and pull over at a motel where you can walk the horse a bit and get yourself some decent sleep. Things always look better after a good night’s sleep.” He handed back my ID.
“Yes, sir, I’ll move on now,” I said and climbed back into the Escalade. I smiled and nodded at him as I circled around and pulled back onto the highway.
I drove maybe twenty-five miles before I came to a small town that had a large city parking lot. I guess some building had to be torn down and they had nothing better to do with it. I pulled in and saw a country restaurant across the street. I stepped into the trailer long enough to make sure Carlos had something to eat and drink and then I grabbed my bag and headed for the restaurant.
They were having a special, it seemed. The sign, however, was years old so I guess it was more of a permanent special. It read, “Two eggs n’ bacon $2.99” and that sounded fine to me so I ordered it.
I wandered to the paper rack by the door and bought a Louisville Courier Journal. My heart ached as I realized what I was leaving behind. Louisville was the only place I’d ever called home. I paged through the paper, looking at ads and the marriage announcements and finally came across an ad for Worth’s clinic. This took the bottom out from under me. I slammed the paper shut and with resolve, finished my breakfast and left.
I drove west for three days, sleeping in the reclining seat of the Escalade and finding places in the country where I could walk Carlos and even ride him a bit in the most rural areas. I could never leave him. He and I had been through so much together. He was like family.
I only made one phone call and it was from a phone booth in a gas station along the way. I called Todd Green and got his voicemail, which was exactly what I’d hoped for. I left him a message. “Todd, this is Auggie. I’m okay and doing what I need to do. If anyone reports me missing, refer them to Dad. I’m not running away. I’m looking for someone.”
Once I hit Missouri and crossed the Mississippi River, I knew I was in a different part of the world. Gone were the fields of bluegrass. Gone were the friendly people and the horse farms where I knew I could find refuge if I needed to. I headed for Kansas City. At least I knew there were ranches there… somewhere.
I found myself eventually in Colorado, in a small town called Creede. It was only just awakening from the winter and preparing for the influx of tourists who came each summer. Names from western lore peppered its past: Bat Masterson, Calamity Jane and the man who shot Jesse James in the back of the head as he hung a portrait. It suited me perfectly. I’d always felt an attachment to the West and remembered watching old black and white westerns on the television in the family room. I always loved anything that had to do with horses, naturally.
Outside of town, I found a ranch where Carlos could board and not far away was a row of run-down apartments that seemed to suit my mood. They were called Creede Row and although they rented by the week, I paid in advance for a month. I’d temporarily had my fill of designer furniture and glitter for the sake of public opinion. On the kick of budget living, I found a Dollar General Store and bought myself some bedding, which I rolled up in on the motel bed at night. I’d also bought some sneakers and jeans with cotton, button-up blouses. That was when I found the western store and added to my wardrobe, including a suede hat.
I was lucky enough to find a job with a tourist business that gave stagecoach rides through the summer season. I knew how to handle horses, of course, and I suppose my derrière was an additional asset from the driver’s seat — I wasn’t deluded. It was fun, though, and I could dress in the clothes I loved best and in the evenings, I visited Carlos and took care of him. The season was only just beginning and there were long periods when no one wanted to ride. During these times, I drove the coach around town and a bit toward the highway where people speeding by might be lured to stop and give it a try.
It was a late morning and I was returning to town. The coach was empty and the skies were darkening in the distance as they did most afternoons on this side of the mountain. I came upon a Lexus that appeared to be broken down alongside the road. There were a pair of long, male legs extending from beneath it, clad in a pair of what looked to be expensive trousers. As I approached, he was struggling to push out from beneath the car and as he stood, I could tell he was quite tall. I slowed and nodded as he began to flail his arms to catch my attention.
“Trouble?” I asked as I reined in the team and stopped.
“I’ll say. I was hoping for a car to pass by but there isn’t much traffic on this road. I never expected a stagecoach, though,” he said, smiling. There was a rumble from the approaching storm.
“I don’t have my cell with me, but I’ll be glad to give you a lift into town or send someone out when I get in. Lightning scissored the sky and the thunder was immediate, causing us both to start a bit and the horses jumped as well. They wanted to get back to their stables and could not care less whether there was a disabled traveler at stake.
“You know, if you don’t mind, I’ll ride with you but I’d like to ride up front on the seat with you. Is that permitted? I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like to handle a team.”
I thought about it, chewing my bottom lip. “Well, it’s not in the rulebook but if you promise to jump down and climb into the coach just as we hit town, I won’t tell. You like horses?” I asked, scooting a bit so he could heft himself up to the seat.
“Oh, yes, although Arabs are more my breed,” he said. He stuck out his hand. “Ben Trax is my name… and you are?”
“You can call me Auggie,” I said, shaking his hand. “We’d better get started.” As another streak of lightning brightened the sky, I slapped the reins.
“Mind if I take the reins a minute?” he asked.
“Okay, but the horses are antsy from that storm coming in and it’s against the rules. You wouldn’t want me to get fired, would you?” I asked, grinning.
“Just once and for a moment,” he pleaded and I handed them over.
It was as if a magic spell descended over the team. Their ears relaxed and they fell into step as if choreographed. A lightning bolt struck a tree about a half mile ahead and the thunder was loud enough to break a nearby eardrum, but the horses hardly flinched.
“Are you sure you’ve never done this before?” I asked him, amazed. “You’re a natural.”
“Never. I do seem to have a way with horses, though. Have all my life. Wish I were as good with cars… and with women,” he added and turned to wink at me.
How long had it been since I’d seen a man smile at me? I felt a pang for Worth, but I knew he was a figure who belonged in my past.
We weren’t far from town so I nudged him and took back the reins. “I’m going to stop now and you need to scramble into the back. Where can I drop you?” I asked him.
“A service station would be a good start,” he said and winked again.
I nodded and reined in the horses long enough for him to jump down and get into the coach. I took a side street where I’d seen a service station and pulled up.
Ben climbed out and held up a twenty. “No, no,” I said. “You didn’t get the whole tour. Go on in there and they’ll take care of you, I’m sure. Nice to meet you, Ben.” I grinned and snapped the reins, leaving him standing there with his hand still outstretched.
I returned the coach and horses and was brushing them down when I heard steps behind me. Thinking it was my employer, I didn’t turn but said, “Hand me the hoof pick, would you? I think we picked up a stone.”
A tanned hand with an expensive wristwatch appeared at my side, a hoof pick extended. I turned and there stood Ben Trax. I was surprised, to say the least. “Hello…?” I ventured.
“I’m sorry, I know this is kind of weird, but you’re the only person I’ve met in town, except for Shorty at the repair shop. He tells me he can’t tow it in until the storm passes and it will be tomorrow until he can take a look at it. I’m a stranger here, as you know, and wondered if I could trade you a dinner for a guided tour of the town. I have no idea where to stay or eat, for that matter.”
I stood upright and considered him. There was no doubt he seemed friendly and honest, but I was alone and there was no one looking out for me. It paid to be cautious. He sensed my hesitation. “Please?” he repeated.
I nodded and turned back to my work. “Take a seat where you can find one and I’ll be ready in a few minutes,” I said, but instead, he came up and got between the horse and me, put his shoulder against the animal and lifted its leg so as to hold the hoof.
“Hand me the pick,” he said. I did so without thinking and he quickly removed the stone, patted the horse’s leg and then its flank. “There, that should do it,” he said, handing me the lead.
“You seemed to know what you were doing,” I commented.
“I’m a vet,” he said succinctly.
Now, having grown up in the equine industry in Kentucky, we were more impressed by large animal vets than human neurosurgeons. The better vets were impossible to get to and we considered them gods.
I finished up with the horses and showed Ben out to my car. I’d lost all anxiety about him strangely and felt a kinship.
He got in. “Nice car, Kentucky plates,” he observed. “Want to talk about it?”
I looked at him sideways, a lock of his sandy-colored hair had fallen down into his eyes, giving him a very boyish look in a man’s lanky body.
“About what?” I asked as innocently as I could.
“Come on, Auggie. It’s all over you. Your name is short for Augusta. Hardly a name you find at Wal-Mart. Your hair has never been colored or permed, you walk with the kind of assurance that says you’re well-bred, wear little makeup so you’re not trying to impress anyone and you know your way around horses, which is not a poor man’s hobby. We won’t even talk about the fact that you’re working for a tourist trap and driving an eighty-thousand-dollar car. How’s that for starters?” he finished. “Judging by that new hitch on the back, I guess you’ve got a horse and trailer parked around here somewhere, too.”
My mouth was hanging open. “How did you know all that?”
He laughed, a sound that was deep and musical. “Told you, I have a way with creatures. They sense who they can trust and you have to read them well to earn that trust,” he explained. “Have I read you well?”
I sat there, the car still in park. “Astoundingly well,” I said.
“I’m going to hazard a guess and say Louisville or Lexington, although you probably went to UK.”
“God, are you some kind of a psychic?”
He just laughed and pointed forward. “C’mon, let me buy you dinner. On second thought, I’ll bet you’ve got a trust fund somewhere. I’ll let you buy me dinner,” he joked and I instantly liked him.
I pulled up to a diner I’d found and we went inside, choosing a corner booth away from the noisy door. He waited until I’d been seated and then slid in. “So, what is his name?”
I gaped at him and he reached over and tapped the white line on my left hand. “Looks like the width of an engagement ring and not a wedding set.”
“You should be Sherlock Holmes,” I commented and stirred the straw around in my soft drink.
“So, I’ve been told,” he said wryly.
“Why, don’t people appreciate your talents?” I queried.
“People like to believe in the art of their own illusion. They want others to believe what they want them to believe.”
Worth’s words came rushing back to me. “Huh, yes, I know someone else who has that opinion.”
“Aha! Now we’re getting somewhere. He’s a philosopher? A psychology professor?”
“You’re getting very close… a psychologist,” I illuminated the guess.
“Hmmm… well, he should be smart enough and well-trained enough to be able to hang on to a prize like you. What in the hell happened?”
Our dinners came then and there was a lull as we both put ketchup on our fries.
“It’s a long and emotionally-woven story and mostly has to do with other people. I’m here to forget all about that, anyway.” I was trying to tell him I didn’t want to talk about it.
“Are you? Well, considering you’re fairly young and have your full brain capacity, how long do you think it will take before you’ve forgotten all about him? A hundred years, maybe?”
I frowned. “Are you trying to be contrary or do you come by it naturally?”
“Oh, it’s natural. I suppose I’m an amateur therapist, but I know people and animals have a great deal in common. Stubbornness for one thing.” He was unapologetic and that felt vaguely familiar.
“So, where are you headed?” I tried to change the topic.
“Actually, I don’t know. I’m in a situation that could be similar to yours. I sold my practice and decided to change my life at the same time. So, I threw a few things into the car and took off. Doing a little touristy stuff along the way and trying to clear my mind.” He was curiously cutting his fries into pieces before eating them. I watched, noting each piece was identical in length.
“Oh, I see. Do you have family?” This seemed a harmless topic, but apparently it wasn’t.
“Not anymore.”
“No? What happened?” I slowly put a fry up to my mouth, emphasizing that I was using my fingers.
“I had a wife and twin sons, five years old. They were killed by a drunk driver.”
I dropped my fry and wanted to slap myself. “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry…”
“Thank you.” He didn’t say any more than that. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to ask another question or whether he was clamming up.
I figured the easiest thing was simply to ask him. “Would you like to talk about it?”
That lock of hair had fallen over his eyes again but it could not obscure the tear that waited. “I’m fairly talked, journaled, meditated and analyzed out, to tell you the truth. I thought I might try a change of life. Maybe a new life entirely?”
What could I say? That I understood? I didn’t. There was no way possible I could understand what must be going on in that man’s brain and heart. He must have stood on the precipice of insanity and fought to keep from jumping.
“Ben, I don’t know what to say.” I shifted uncomfortably in the seat. I was still wearing my western wear from work. I longed for a hot bath in a tub that I could trust was really clean.
“’s okay, people always feel that way. Sometimes I want to lop off my own head and shop for a new one.” He shoved his plate away, evidently his appetite was gone. “I’m going to ask you something and I hope you understand where it comes from.”
“Sure,” I said, anxious to make up for the awkwardness I’d created when I asked the question about family.
“Would you sleep with me?”
I choked on my drink. “Wha-at?”
“I just need to sleep with someone, to feel a woman’s body next to mine. It’s been so long and I haven’t met anyone who I’d even consider doing that with…until you, that is.”
I held up a hand. “Ben, if I’ve given you the wrong impression, I’m sorry. No, I will not sleep with you. That’s for you to do with someone who you love and who loves you. That’s no solution for what’s going on in your head.” I grabbed my purse and fished out a twenty-dollar bill, laying it on the table. “I’m sorry for your loss, Ben, but you’ve got me all wrong. I wish you the best. Bye,” I said and hurried out of the diner. Hurry probably wouldn’t be a strong enough word. I flew out the door and into the street, drawing in huge gasps of clean air. Was this the world I wanted to find? What the hell was I doing here?