My dad died before I was born, Landon White never showed to pick me up for homecoming, Andre Potts didn’t choose me for Red Rover, my Labrador, Bocefus, ran away thanks to the mail man, Talon cheated on me and Ryan died. Because of this, I named my vibrators after women for fear a man’s name would break them.
I used to tell myself that it was them and not me. That outside of Ryan, the others couldn’t handle me.
But I feared the truth; that I wasn’t worth handling at all.
I was done being left behind. Twice was two-too many and there would not be a third.
Having never run a man down before, I wanted to make sure he was good and dead before turning my back to him. I mean, in the movies they always get up one more time…
Worried (and yes, still pissed) about Nix, I rush over to aid him only to find myself pinned against the brick wall.
“What is the matter with you?” he screams in my face. “Why did you come?”
“Clue in, asshole! You don't get to make my decisions for me! And you sure as hell don’t get to let me go!”
Grinding his jaw, Nix says nothing, just stares me down breathing through his nose. As for me, I couldn’t stop crying, which was not my norm. If Phoenix were any other man, I would have let him walk away and moved on. But you do not leave your other half behind.
“We’re stronger together,” I sniffle, hating that I couldn't stop it. “We’re a team, Nix.”
Nose to nose he says, “We are not a team and following me because I’m the first man to get you off is going to get you killed!”
Cracking him across the face, I break his hold and warn, “You altered my fate, Phoenix. You knew what could happen when you sent that text and you did it anyway. You did not do that for me. You did it for you. For one year you read those messages and fell in love with me. I saved you, isn’t that what you said? Those messages saved you. Now I need you to give me the chance to fall back. You want me, you’re clearly willing to die for me, so get your shit together.”
“I will kill for you,” he snarls. “I will fight until my last breath for you.”
“Then let me do the same for you. Let me fall in love with—”
“This is not a movie, Finn. There is no director behind the scenes telling you what to do. You don’t get to re-shoot a scene if you fucked it up.”
“Yes, it is,” I yell back. “You’re the director. You’ll guide me. When the scene ends, you’ll yell cut, only the dead guy won’t get up!”
“You’re a distraction,” he says pacing now. “I can’t do what needs to be done if I’m focused on you.”
“Oh bullshit,” I laugh angrily. “I was watching you fight before I drove up and PS: you were losing. How did he even get the drop on you to brass knuckle your face, huh? Oh, I know! It’s because you were thinking about me and I wasn’t even here!”
“Finn…”
“All my life I’ve been told that I’m too fearless for my own good. That I was reckless, dangerous, and lacked self-preservation. I have sought out and conquered every thrill known to man and I’m still here. It’s in my blood, it’s my addiction and I will die without a fix. That mix of adrenaline and oh-my-god I almost died we’re both feeling right now? I need that, Nix. But I have one fear, Phoenix, losing you.”
“Fuck, Finn…”
“You are my greatest adventure and I am yours. This,” I gesture from him to me, “is our greatest adventure, us. We’re it. But, I won’t follow you again, I’m not setting myself up for that kind of hurt. I won’t be cast aside again. So, decide, are we in this together or not?”
“This isn't a game,” he insists.
“Yes, it is! And I'm good at it!” And that's it, now I'm fired up. “You think sticking a thumb up my ass is going to placate me? Make me sweet and biddable? How about giving me five minutes with your hole and then we can discuss it.”
“The fuck, Finn,” he grates out.
“Do you want to play cat and mouse? Is that it? I'll fucking play alright!”
“You're pissing me off,” he warns.
“I'm pissing you off?” I shrill. “You're the one fighting in a back alley in broad daylight and losing, Phoenix. Yet here I am, ready to prove myself, show you that I'm capable and you're throwing shade?”
“This is about – “
“Oh, shut up,” I scream. “None of this smells funny to you?” When he blinks in confusion, I lower my voice and stow the attitude when I say, “Listen to me, we can win this game. But you have to trust me, Nix. Otherwise, the day will come when I stop following.”
When his face softens I knew I was on the right track. Glancing behind us he mutters, “Where’d you get the truck?”
Biting my lip, I confess, “I stole it.”
“You stole it,” he mumbles.
“What about the dead guy?” I ask pointing to the pile of horror flick. “What’s protocol? I mean, he’s gooey.”
Pulling me to him, his lips were touching mine when he says, “Fuck him.”
Apparently, the Operator handles clean up too. Good to know…