I studied the greats.
Dar Robinson, Hal Needham, Jackie Chan, Michelle Yeoh and so on.
To make it in this business, to be treated as an equal, I knew to get respect that I would need to earn it.
Bust my ass for it, take my lumps and learn from them.
I had to be the best but no one was going to do it for me.
So, at my first real audition, I was nervous.
Not scared.
Just nervous.
I was younger than the competition, smaller, leaner. I still had stars in my eyes, confidence in my smile, and optimism in my heart. I wasn't jaded or beaten down. Maybe that's why I got the job, maybe that's why I always got the job. My positive attitude. But if you asked Ryan he'd just say, “It's because you're that good.”
At some point, I needed to tell Nix that Operator calls me privately and often. Though we stay on the move, her timing is always impeccable. Like when Nix is getting gas or taking a shower. While he doesn’t speak of her much because he said he doesn’t know much, each time she calls me she’s very forthcoming.
And I’d never met anyone so interested in trying to figure me out.
Last night, we had just finished dinner at the hotel and Nix went out front to smoke a clove when she called again. Her number always came in as ‘unknown’ so I answered.
“Why did you get into stunt work?” was her opening.
“Probably for the same reason you got into contract killing.”
“Ah,” she laughed. “So, it was a calling.”
“Get to the point of this call,” I advised her.
“Why is life a movie in your head?”
That was simple enough. “Because, like life, it has a beginning, middle and end. And if you do it right, they don't fuck up your name in the credits.”
“That tells me nothing.”
“Had you been listening, it would have told you everything.”
And then I hung up.
We had just left the camping store and I was content watching Nix attempt to figure out how to make everything fit in his pack. Although, he was hesitant at first, even stating, “My essentials are a gun, knife, and fists, Finn,” I brought him around to my way of thinking rather easily.
Zipping mine shut, he tosses his to the side choosing that moment to kiss me. “What was that for?”
“I will make this right. For you, for us.”
“Are you trying to dump me again?”
“No,” he smiles warmly and I saw no deceit. “I know when I’ve lost a battle, kitten.”
“Or won,” I grin snagging his pack to finish the job.
“Or won,” he agrees readily.
“What’s on your mind, Nix?”
“We can’t trust the Operator,” he declares. “We trust no one outside of this car.”
“Okay,” I nod in agreement.
“And the next time I tell you to run, you run, Finn.”
“Maybe,” I conceded.
“I’m serious.”
“So am I.”
When all that was filling the silence was his heavy breathing, I ask, “Is this about Vulture?”
Staring at the roof of the car, I see the war going on in his head. Hard not to when it was evident by his ticking jaw and flaring nostrils. “I was the first,” he says softly. “Over the years, he’s recruited dozens of us.”
“He?”
“The devil.”
“Does the devil have a name?”
“If he does, it’s never been spoken.”
“Keep going.”
“We exist by not existing. We’re ghosts, pawns, doing what we’re told. The rules are few but they are to be followed or we will face death. I broke the biggest rule when I walked away to find you. None of us know happiness, only orders. We do not kill in public, or for personal gain. Middle men do not have families, dreams or—”
“Love,” I finish for him.
“Especially not love,” he says cupping my cheek. “Love is a distraction, a weakness, a flaw. He demands loyalty to the cause only. He comes first, always. And fuck, Finn I was okay with that. Until you.”
Sitting in the passenger seat of my car, I felt my chest swell and the sensation was so strong I half expected it to burst. This was what love feels like. All consuming, eager and hungry. His fingers felt like brands, his eyes were tethers and his lips were salvation. Leaning forward I ask, “You love me that much?”
“I’m taking on the devil for you, Finn,” he whispers. “I love you more than you could possibly comprehend.”
“I can comprehend it just fine, Nix,” I say placing my hands over his. “Because that’s how I love you.”
“You love me?”
“I’m taking on the devil for you too.”
“That’s what scares me,” he says scanning my face. “He’s invisible. I can’t fight what I can’t see.”
“Then we,” I emphasize. “Continue taking down his minions until he comes for us himself.”
“You have to let me—”
“Do it alone? No, Nix. Those days are gone. And if you don’t start talking in terms of future, of us, I’m going to show you just how much girl scouts learn in elementary school.”
“You are too reckless for your own good,” he mumbles but I saw resolution in his eyes.
“And you are husband dick.”
Snapping his eyes to mine he asks, “I’m what?”
“Husband dick.”
“Care to explain that to me?”
“The dick I want inside of me until death do us part,” I explain simply. “Forever dick.”
Fighting not to laugh, Nix repeats, “Forever dick?”
“I may not be able to put a ring on it,” I grin seductively. “But God knows I want to.”
Sobering a little, he says, “Until death do us part could be our reality, Finn.”
Throwing my arms around his neck, I promise him, “Not if I can help it. Because that's what love is. Fighting for what means most.”
And, I meant it.