“What I loved most about your dad was his ability to be quiet,” mom was saying over coffee. “He didn't just listen, baby. He heard the unspoken, he was in tune with my heart’s desires. The day we heard your heart beat he didn't say a word. But it was there on his face for me to see. How much he loved his daughter and how much he loved me.” Although I never met him, I missed him just the same. Losing my dad damaged my mom far beyond an emotional level. It destroyed her on a molecular level.
Growing up raised by a single mother was all I knew and she never let me see her struggles, her sadness.
But as I got older I saw it, there were moments where I felt it too.
Phoenix was a killer, wired differently than most and he used his differences as a shield. Yet, he was unique, gentle when necessary and generally quiet. He listened, he observed. Which was why seeing him unsure of himself was fucking adorable. Granted, my mom was a force to be reckoned with, he wasn’t used to being grilled. He certainly wasn’t used to talking about himself either. I loved that about him. For a man who could take life with his bare hands, he was extraordinarily humble.
“He negotiates for a living,” I explain. “A referee of sorts.”
“A resolution specialist,” mom nods thinking on it. “I’ll buy that. But, what I won’t buy is that you aren’t dangerous.”
“Mom—”
“Deny it,” she dares Nix. “You think wearing that fedora shields you but I see it in your eyes and your hands.”
“I am dangerous,” he says calmly. “But, never to Finn.”
“I buy that too,” she says raising her cup. “What does Finn need protecting from? And before you lie to me, I can see you gearing up to kill something. The question is who? And why?”
“Mom is very open minded,” I explain.
“My past wants to steal my future,” he says while looking at me. “Our future. And I refuse to let that happen.”
“His boss wants him to come back,” I tread lightly.
“Go on.”
“Without attachments or distractions.”
“You are one helluva distraction, Finn,” she smiles proudly. “So, you give your boss the big fuck you and he threatens my daughter’s life to bring you to heel? How am I doing so far?”
Clearing his throat Nix says, “You are far too perceptive,” and I was pretty sure he was sweating.
“It’s a gift,” she shrugs.
“As her mother, you would be well within your rights to use your shotgun to blow a hole through my chest. The question is, why haven’t you?”
“Phoenix,” she says gently. “When you have children, worry is your constant companion. When you have a child like Finn, you make the decision to let that worry rule you or you can trust that she will come out on the other side. Finn is a fighter, a risk taker, she is her father’s daughter but, she is no fool. If she loves you, she does so with her whole heart. Because she loves like she lives. My daughter is all or nothing. She takes risks knowing the danger. That’s how I sleep at night. And that’s what keeps you awake.”
“I love her,” he says pulling me close. “I will kill for her, sacrifice my soul for her, but I need you to know that I tried to be selfless, I tried letting her go.”
“And how did that work out for you?”
Cupping my cheek, he whispers, “Really fucking well.”
“My daughter will do the same for you,” mom says standing. “If you’ll let her.”
Taking her mug to the sink, she was rinsing it when Nix looked at me and said, “Not if I can help it.”
Minutes later, Nix excused himself to do a perimeter check leaving me alone with my mom. Side by side on the couch she was running her fingers through my hair when she says, “The thought of you in danger should terrify me, baby.”
“But?”
“But it doesn’t,” she says kissing my temple. “Because you have each other and because fate is at work here. That’s not to say I won’t worry, that I won’t pace the floors. We face danger every second of every day, however, to survive, we ignore the danger surrounding us. We do this so we can live. The two of you are staring danger in the face, taking it head on and I imagine for my daughter it’s the biggest thrill of her life to be able to do that with the man she loves.”
“It is, Mom.”
“Promise me something,” she says stilling.
“Okay.”
“Come back to me, Finn.”
It was the first time I have ever heard true fear in my mom’s voice but, it was the second promise I made that I was going to break.
“I will, Mom.”
“Your dad would be so proud of you,” she says squeezing me. “And Ryan would have loved Phoenix.”
“I hope so,” was my reply. Although, to be honest, it’s the first time since losing Ryan that the guilt wasn’t threatening to strangle me. Because Ryan would want Nix for me, I knew that down deep and that lessened the guilt some.
“Finn,” he says from the door. “It’s time.”
Helping me up, mom holds her arms open to Nix and without even a pause, he walked into them. Hugging him tight she says, “A phoenix is a long-lived bird that is regenerated and reborn. Each obtains new life by arising from the ashes of its predecessor. Now that you found my daughter I can see you’ve been reborn again. Take her,” she whispers to him. “And fly.”
“I will.”
“Farrah.”
“I will, Farrah.”
With Nix in her arms, she motions me over, making room for one more and says, “Together you’ll face the sun.”
Clutching her close, I look at Nix and both of our words went unspoken because it didn’t need to be said we were taking on the devil himself, and that the flames in hell were hot.