A steady beat infiltrates my dreams. I fight the awareness that brings me from the darkness to a more lucid state, the sound louder. Beep. Beep. Beep.

My eyelids flutter open at the sound of the machine next to me. The soft light above feels too bright until my eyes slowly adjust. Janice is there, her hand on mine. “Rochelle. Dear.”

The last moments before I blacked out come rushing back to me. The beeping picks up as my heart does. “Dex.” I cough to clear my throat. “Where is he?”

Her hand leaves mine. “Rochelle, you shouldn’t be thinking of him. There are photographers outside the hospital, waiting for you to comment on this ‘story.’ It’s time to end this crazy behavior. You need to think of your children.”

“What story?” I start to sit up.

“That’s why I came over this morning. There are pictures of you and Dex kissing outside a hotel.”

“No.”

“Yes, there are. And do you know how much that hurt to see? My son has not been gone that long and here you are gallivanting around LA at seedy motels like he never existed.” A tear falls down her cheek.

My body aches, but my mind is stronger. “Janice, I can’t believe you think that. You know I loved Cory.”

“Loved? Past tense? Well, I still love him, present tense, and always will.”

My hand goes to my head as it starts to throb. “You’re twisting my words.”

She steps back, appalled. “Your actions are twisting your reality. You have small children to raise. If you prefer to sleep with a drug-addict playboy, then do so, but I won’t sit by and let my grandchildren bear witness to it.” She walks out, her heels clicking loudly down the corridor.

There’s a pang in my chest, the pain of her words hit me hard. Maybe she’s right. I’m being selfish right now. What am I doing? Choosing to do what I want seems in complete opposite of what I should do for the boys, or does it? Has Dex changed? I mean really changed?

A nurse walks in and asks, “Ms. Floros, I’m Anne. Do you know why you’re here?”

“I’m thinking I had a panic attack, but this one felt more like a heart-attack.”

She leans against the foot of the bed. “I see you’ve taken medicine for them before. The doctor has already called in a new prescription for you.” With her clipboard down at her side, she asks, “Do you know what might have brought this one on? It was severe enough for your loved ones to bring you to the hospital.”

“People were fighting…”

With a small nod of understanding, she asks, “Are there ways to eliminate some of that stress?”

I gulp, then reach for the water pitcher. She comes around and pours a glass for me. “I don’t know. Maybe. I’m not sure. I guess I didn’t realize… I’ll give it some thought.”

“Take this seriously, Ms. Floros, and consider ways to reduce stress and conflicts. Those are some common triggers for panic attacks. Make sure to eat healthy and to exercise regularly.” She removes the IV. “Exercise can help reduce the toll that emotional stress can cause. I don’t want to see you back in here again.”

“Does that mean I’m free to go?”

Swabbing the area, she covers it with a small white bandage. “You are. You just need to sign a few forms at the desk first. Your ride is waiting for you at the nurse’s station.”

Wondering who’s waiting for me, I look up and ask, “Who’s my ride?”

She looks down at her clipboard. “Dex Caggiano.”

* * *

It’s LA, so the hospital has a private back drive for these types of media situations. I’m thankful for that. We sneak out that way. The dark tinting of his black Bronco keeps the paps on the street from getting any photos worth using when we pass.

We don’t speak until the coast seems clear, then begin to relax though an awkwardness stretches between us that’s never existed before. Pushing through, thinking about what the nurse said, I start, “Dex, we should talk before we get to my house.”

“Yeah,” he replies, sounding resolved. “You might have more paps there, so I shouldn’t stay.”

“I mean, we need to talk about today, the panic attack. Janice. This. Us.”

His hesitation is heard when he replies, “Okay.”

“I can’t hurt her like that. She’s been there for me since Cory’s death. I was there for her. It wasn’t easy, but she was the only one who seemed to truly get how I felt. She’s wonderful to my kids and loves them. I’ve never seen her like she was this morning. She was distraught and I did that to her. I hurt her like that by betraying her.”

“You didn’t betray her by kissing me. She wants you to keep playing the role you’ve played for years—the widow, but you’re more than that, Rochelle. You’re a woman, a mother, a musician, a business manager. You are more than a one-dimensional person. She needs to recognize that. It’s not just about her.”

“I need to focus on my kids, Dex. They don’t have a father. I have to be both mom and dad for them, and lately, I feel like I’m failing.”

“Us dating—”

“I hadn’t had a panic attack in years and now I’ve basically had two in the last two days. Both times were with you. Do you find that coincidental? Because I don’t.”

He pulls over to the side of a street that leads to mine. “You’re building this up in your head like you being happy goes against feeling bad that Cory died. They aren’t related.”

“Janice—”

“Janice is turning what we shared into something bad. You’re letting her into your head.” He takes my hand, holding it as if it might be the last time—firm grip, thumb trying to soothe.

I pull my hand away slowly, leaving all the feelings we were developing behind in the palm of his hand. “The timing is wrong.”

“Bullshit!”

Startled, I jump in my seat.

Lowering his voice, he says, “That’s a cop out. I know you feel something for me. I see how you react because I also feel it when I’m around you. There’s something here and you’re just scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“Scared to have a life without Cory and thinking you have to justify it to others. The problem with that is when you start justifying it, it will make you feel like your love for Cory was less. It wasn’t. It’s just different. He’s not here, Rochelle.”

“Stop it. Stop talking about Cory and take me home.”

“Now you want to stop talking about him?” He looks surprised. “I can’t win with you when it comes to him.” He shifts the car into drive.

“This is not a competition, Dex.”

Disappointment slides onto his face. “Then why is he being shoved in my face every time we make a move?”

“This is one of the reasons why we won’t work. We see things very differently.”

“One of the reasons? Name another because from where I sit, we fit like two puzzle pieces clicking together.”

“You’re a supposed recovering addict. You have sex with anyone who offers. You—”

“That’s it. Right there. You play like you know who I am, but you don’t. That’s why the lies are so easily believed. I can tell what you’re doing. You’re giving me an out that I don’t want. You’re allowing yourself to believe the worst about me to ease your conscience, but it won’t—”

“You know what. Not everything is about you and your past. You lost a band mate and friend, but I lost my soulmate!”

My breath chokes in my throat after I say the one thing that would hurt him most. His eyes die inside as he stares at me. As usual, I’m the one who needs to make him feel better about everything. But I can’t this time. I’m too tired to help anyone else right now. “I was the one left in the wake of this tragedy to pick up the pieces for everyone around me, and pretend that everything is all right so they can go about their days not worrying about me.” I shift in my seat, taking a breath, then hit my hands against my thighs as I yell, “Everything is not all right! I am not all right!”

I see the street in front of my house is clear. Thank God! But right when Dex pulls up in front of the locked gate, a car parks right in front of us with a long lens aimed in our direction, so I react by ducking down. “Oh my God! That’s exactly why we can’t do this. They don’t want me. They just want your latest conquest. Well, guess what? That’s one role I don’t want to play. I have to think about two little boys and protect their future.”

“Protect their future from me? Protect them from me? You’re twisting this. I care about those boys. I love them. I would never hurt them!” Throwing the SUV in reverse, he backs up around the corner, then turns, heading in the opposite direction from the paparazzi. “I can protect you from them. You just won’t try. You’re protecting your heart so hard that you’re losing the ability to feel anything except numb.”

Unfortunately, they’re right behind us when I peek up and over the back of the seat. My head hurts, my heart is racing, and my eyes have filled with tears. “This is the stress I can’t have in my life. I can’t have you, Dex. I’m sorry. We can’t happen. It’s not good for me. You’re not good for me. We’re not good for each other.”

He struggles to keep his tone steady, but I hear the shake in it. “Don’t make rash decisions, Rochelle. You just got released from the hospital. You’re tired. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing, but we’re something. We matter.”

I grab either side of my head while shaking it. “Stop saying that. We don’t. I can’t think of only myself and enjoy it while hurting others in the process. It doesn’t work like that.” I look up and add, “Just like now. Just like I’m hurting you. But it’s you or everyone else. That’s how I see it and the only options I have to choose from.”

He makes the block and then pulls up to my driveway and punches in the code. “Are you telling me that you don’t want to date me because it will upset others or because you don’t believe I’ve changed? Because you’ve said both, which makes me think you’re reaching for anything and hoping it sticks.” The gate closes behind him and he parks.

“Don’t belittle my reasons.”

“They’re not reasons. They’re excuses and you know it, but I’m gonna let you go live with those excuses. Just remember these are the choices you made. I was here, wholeheartedly for you.” His breath deepens, a mixture of anger and sadness battling in his eyes. “This fence isn’t tall enough. You should go before they come back.”

I open the door, determined to walk away without damaging him anymore. When I step one foot out, he adds, “Go find this happy-ever-after you’re so desperately searching for that I can’t give you. And maybe one day you’ll see that you’re throwing away that ending before you even realized you had it.”

His words make me panic, worried he’s right. “Dex, it doesn’t—”

“I can’t make you believe in me.” He revs the engine while gripping the steering wheel. Looking away from me, he says, “You either do or you don’t.” He backs up and the gate starts to reopen.

I release a heavy sigh, feeling the anxiety of the paparazzi showing up again and the weight of the pain caused from this conversation. His window is down, so I walk the few feet to him and start to lean in to say, “Pleas—”

“Go inside. This conversation is fucking over. Just like we are!”

The shock of his words coaxes my anger back up as I stand there. He leaves skid marks on the street from peeling out so fast. Pissed, I turn my back and go inside before any photographers show up.

As soon as the door closes behind me I see Beth. She’s sitting on the couch reading a book to CJ and they both look up. “Hey, are you okay?” she asks. “Janice called me.”

“No. I’m not. Can you stay a bit longer so I can clean up?”

“Sure, no problem.”

I kiss CJ on the head. “Hi, Sweetie. Where’s Neil?”

Beth answers, “In his room, practicing on that drum pad Dex left for him earlier.”

Dex. “I’m gonna take a bath.”

“Okay, the boys have eaten. There’s still some casserole in there if you’re hungry.”

“Thank you.”

I stop by Neil’s room on the way to mine. “Hi Buddy.”

He doesn’t look up. “Hi Mom.”

“Did you have fun today at camp?” I ask, seeing the black and grey pad on the floor in front of him.

“Yeah. Now I’m practicing my rhythms. They’re para somethings but I can’t remember, so Dex told me to call them rhythms. He says if I learn these three, I get to start on a song next time.”

“Oh.” Looking into the hopeful face of my sweet son makes my whole body ache. I almost tell him there won’t be a next time with Dex, but I don’t, not wanting to upset him. No need to have all of us crying over Dex. “I’m gonna take a bath if you need me.”

“’Kay.”

I start the hot water on the tub before stopping to look at myself in the mirror. It’s hard though. Breaking people’s hearts is not something I enjoy doing and I feel ashamed for hurting him. I take my clothes off and slip into the tub, hoping to wash away the pain of breaking my own heart in the process of Dex’s.

The water soothes, but it doesn’t relieve. When I get out twenty minutes later, the pain is more than skin deep. It can’t be washed away that easily. I’ll leave it up to time to heal the rest while I focus on my family.

* * *

Dear Cory,

I can’t control my heart. As much as I try, the beat goes on. There’s no power in that. The heart holds not only the power over our souls but the key to it.

I had this epiphany at three in the morning. I wish I could sleep, but my brain has other plans like torturing me with too many thoughts, regrets, and memories. Why this doesn’t happen at three in the afternoon boggles my mind. It is what it is though.

XO

By seven, I was tired and a bit delirious. I missed Dex already and it hadn’t even been twenty-four hours. Not only that, but he was right. I was thinking of him fondly. When we let go of the anger, we find clarity in the remains.

Beth was here early to take the kids to camp and I was drinking my coffee before getting dressed for my meetings that got moved from yesterday to today. A trip to the hospital is usually an acceptable excuse to reschedule.

Janice’s voice travels from the living room, calling my name. I put my makeup brush down and go out there. I haven’t called her since the hospital, but I’m still hurt by what she said. When I walk out there, she’s standing near the door, timid. With a half-smile she says, “I’m sorry about yesterday.”

I love this woman, so it’s hard to stay mad at her. Walking to her, I open my arms. When we hug, she says, “You’re a wonderful mother to Neil and Cory Junior. I was upset thinking you were over my son.”

Stepping back, I say, “I will never be ‘over’ Cory. But he needs to live in my heart because he’s not here to live in our home. To be truthful with you, I’m lonely, Janice, and doing something for myself doesn’t make me a bad mother. It makes me human. I can’t wear black for the rest of my life. I still wear the ring, but I’m almost thirty and I don’t want to spend my life alone.”

“Just don’t pick him.”

“Dex?”

“Yes, you have to be careful who you bring around the kids, Rochelle. He’s a bad influence.”

“He’s not. You’re wrong, he’s changed. You’re reading tabloids and gossip magazines and believing them blindly. I know the real him.”

She steps closer and takes my arms gently. “I love you like a daughter. I care about you, but I also know you’re in a vulnerable state and can be easily taken advantage of if not careful. Dex is no good. There’s always some truth found in those stories.”

“Hearing you repeat it doesn’t change how I feel about him. I can’t help who I fall in love…” I stop, gasping. My hand covers my mouth and I turn away from her.

“You love him?” The words hit me in the back like tiny daggers.

The air is sucked from my chest as my own words sink in. “I… I might,” I reply more for myself than her.

Upon this realization, I’m on the move. I run to the front door and slip on my Havianas. “I have to go.”

“Where?”

Looking at her, seeing the shock in her eyes, makes me want to stay, but I can’t. I’ll talk myself out of doing this or she will. “We’ll talk later. I’m sorry.”

I run outside to my car. I’m five minutes down the road before I realize I didn’t finish putting on my makeup, but I know he won’t care. I see the way he looks at me. He more than likes me. He practically it said yesterday. I’m not sure I would call my feelings full blown star-crossed lovers love yet, but it sure feels like the beginning of something ‘spectacular.’ I need to talk to him, to talk this through with him, to apologize for everything I said. His plane for the last leg of the tour leaves in an hour, so I know he’ll be up, but I’ve got to hurry.

After tapping in the code to his gate, I park next to a white convertible BMW. Makes me wonder if he got a new car though I’ve never thought of him as a BMW kind of guy. That will throw the paps off his trail for sure. I knock twice before finding the door unlocked. When no one answers, I walk in. I see a martini glass with a few shot glasses on the coffee table and get a sick feeling in my stomach, making me pause at the bottom of the stairs. I ascend them slowly, my gut telling me to go back to my car and call first. I go, my curiosity winning out. When I reach the second level, I walk to his room, finding the door cracked open. I push it the rest of the way open with one finger and my jaw drops along with my heart.

Platinum blonde hair, long, tan legs stretch across his bed, her breast exposed though the sheet does me the favor of keeping the rest of her body covered. Firenza.

Her blue eyes look up from the phone she’s been reading, and she smiles. Elbowing Dex’s back, she says, “We have company, Tiger.”

“Rochelle?” His voice follows me as I turn and run down the stairs, but Dex catches me before I reach the front door. Looking down, I make sure he’s not naked, not needing the gross reminder of what he was doing, which was very clear as he likes to say. “Let go of me, you bastard.”

He has the nerve to be angry with me when he asks, “What are you doing here? You wanted nothing to do with me, so why are you here?”

Like a sucker punch, his words hit me in the gut, making me nauseous. Stepping back, he releases me. When I look up at him, his eyes are glazed and bloodshot.

“I came over here to tell you I was wrong. That I thought that maybe we were meant to be like you led me to believe.”

A different emotion takes over his expression completely, and he says, “Rochelle… please.” He gulps while reaching for me again. “I didn—”

“You didn’t what, Dex?” All the adrenaline, the anger I had a minute before has left, leaving me defeated and deflated. “I thought you were right, but Janice was. Guess a ‘tiger’ can’t change his stripes after all.”

“Don’t do this. You told me you didn’t want to be with me. You said I was bad when all I’ve done is bend over backwards to prove to you that I’m good. You pushed me away.”

I’m tired of crying, but they come anyway. “Not judgment, disbelief that one argument led to this. I stayed home and cried, hurt, confused, but alone. You call a fuck buddy over after telling me ‘We matter.’ We obviously don’t or you wouldn’t have had sex with her, and her of all people.”

“It’s just push and fucking pull with you. I get you’ve been hurt, but you chose to live with the pain than to move past it with me. I’m only doing what you and Cory’s mother say I do. It’s like manifest motherfucking destiny or some shit. So fuck this. I’m done.”

We stare into each other’s eyes, neither of us relenting until a cleared throat grabs our attention and we look up. Firenza stands on the top of the staircase in a tank that looks a lot like one of Dex’s. “Come back to bed, Antonio.”

When I look back to him, the disgust I feel far outweighs my weak emotions that I once felt for him. “And here I thought you were the good guy…”

There’s a shift in his demeanor. I may be physically right here, but he knows my heart is already gone. Reaching for me, his voice wavers when he says, “Rochelle?” Regret colors him. “I didn’t mean…”

Fear takes over in his eyes as I back away. The pain in my chest makes me want to run, but I won’t let them win, refusing to let either of them see me breakdown. I open the door and start to leave, making it halfway to my car before I stop, and say, “As your business manager, I should remind you that your flight leaves in thirty minutes.”

“Fuck!” I hear him yell before the door slams closed.

I get in my car and yell the same thing but for entirely different reasons.