This is not how I planned for us to see each other. I didn’t have any real plans, but this was never a thought until now. I see the gravesite up ahead and the gathering of people circled around. Despite my deep-seeded desire to run away, I walk forward. I go because Dex needs me.

I don’t quite make it to the grave when I spot him off on the other side of a tree sitting down. His sunglasses are on and I’m thinking they might be hiding more than his eyes. He sees me walking across the groomed lawn when I veer toward him, breaking away from the crowd. He doesn’t say anything when I reach him, so I sit down despite that I’m wearing a dress. I decide not to say anything for the moment, not sure that anything I say is wanted. But I do lean my head on his shoulder, selfishly wanting to be close. Dex doesn’t move or say anything until Gage spots us, sending a glare our way. “I’m now the head of an empire I never wanted.”

I lift my head and look at him, seeing behind the dark lenses to the eyes that have cried over the death of his mother and maybe more today. “You only have to be what you want to be.”

He looks my way. “How’d you hear?”

“Tommy. Why didn’t you call me?”

Turning back to watch the last of the cars unload and the mourners joining the funeral, he says, “When we left Diablo, I thought we finally had our chance. I didn’t count on the impact my mom’s illness and the new will, Gage, all of it would put on me.”

“I was there for you.”

“I know you were.” The left side of his mouth goes up quickly before disappearing again. “But I was being buried alive with responsibilities I never asked for. The company is generations old and I own it. All. What do I know about manufacturing?”

“You have a strong team of lawyers and other managers to help you figure this out. It doesn’t have to be the same week your mom passed away.”

I catch his eyes on me again and he doesn’t turn away this time. “I missed you. Do you know that?”

I exhale, my heart starting to beat faster, then say, “I missed you so much.”

“You know, Rochelle, we’ve been through a lot. You’ve been through more. I didn’t want to put you through anything else.”

“That’s why you left?” I ask.

He nods. “One of the reasons.”

“You can put on this big show for everyone else, but I know who you really are, Dex, and you’re not gonna scare me that easily. I didn’t stop caring about you because you stopped calling.”

I see the corners of his mouth go up. “I didn’t stop caring either.” He wraps his arm around my shoulders and says, “You’re pretty damn strong, sweetheart.”

“I’m here to share the burden. Just let me in.”

Dex stands and helps me to my feet. “C’mon. The sooner we do this the sooner we can leave.”

Just as he turns to join the others, I stop him by taking hold of his arm. “Hey Dex?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t rush through the funeral. I understand the desire to get through this and to be anywhere but here, but this is important, not just for others, but for you. Stay present in the moment, for your mother.”

I see the emotion he’s held back start to show as he looks down, lifting his sunglasses to wipe at his eyes, then lets them fall back into place. “I don’t want to sit in those chairs. That makes it real.”

His denial is familiar. I remember thinking the same thing years ago, but I didn’t want to upset Cory’s family by not sitting next to them. “You don’t have to. Stand where you want. I’ll stand by you.”

Shifting, he swallows hard. “I didn’t do the same for you at Cory’s.”

“You didn’t have to. I understood. All that mattered is that you were there.”

“I didn’t know you saw me,” he says, reaching for my hand.

When our fingers entwine, I reply, “You were leaning against a tree. You wore a black shirt and sunglasses. You were holding something shiny. I remembered it catching my eye as it reflected in the sun.”

He releases my hand and pulls out his wallet. Digging inside, he produces an oval coin. I recognize it before he says anything, my heart beginning to throb out of my chest. “Cory gave this to me in Paris. It’s St. Christopher.” My breaths shorten as he continues. “He said he’s the patron saint of travelers.”

“I know.” I take it from him, holding it in the palm of my hand. A tear joins it. “I gave this to him the first time he left to tour without me. He didn’t want to go alone.” I look up at Dex. His sunglasses in his hand, his tear-filled eyes on me. “I told him he was never alone. He had you, Johnny, and Tommy. And you guys would always be there for him when I couldn’t.” I fold my fingers around it.

“He told me this coin would help me find my way home.” His hand wraps around my fisted one. “It was the last thing he said to me before he left Paris.”

The sob I was trying to hide from him breaks free. I sniffle, then ask, “Did you?”

“It led me to you, Rochelle.” He puts his sunglasses over his eyes again and releases my hand. His voice shakes when he says, “I just wish it didn’t come at the expense of him.”

Adjusting my sunglasses down over my eyes, I say, “We didn’t come at the expense of Cory. The universe doesn’t work in such cruel ways. This is how it was always meant to be.”

Taking my hand again, he asks, “Were we always meant to be?”

“We may have taken the scenic route to get here, but we’re here now, baggage and a few cute kids along for the ride.”

“Dex,” Gage calls from behind us.

Dex turns to look. When he turns back, he says, “Guess we should go over there, but before we do, I want you to know that having you share the journey has made the road less traveled worth the risk.”

“Dex!” Gage yells, ending the conversation.

Dex turns and with me by his side, we stand behind the chairs, two people mixed in with the large crowd and watch as his mother is put into her final resting place.

* * *

I stand back in a corner of his mother’s living room with Johnny and Holli, Tommy, Kaz, and Derrick. None of us are talking much. I’m not surprised. Funerals suck.

Holli nudges me. “Maybe you should go hang out with him.”

“I don’t want to add to his obligations today. Everyone wants a piece of him to help them find peace with his mother’s death.”

She touches my arm. “I understand, but you being there isn’t a burden to him.”

“Everyone knows about us, don’t they?”

Nodding, she says with a reassuring smile, “And supports you. He’s a good man. It just took a while to get to know the man underneath the façade. You’re good for him.”

“He’s good for me.”

Johnny takes Holly’s hand and moves closer. “Holliday’s right. I remember Dex being pretty cool back in the day. He just lost himself along the way. Fame does that to some people… to most. You reminded him of who he really is. I think he might have done the same for you, you know, reminding you of who you always were.” He steps forward. “We’re gonna go talk to him and take off unless you want us to stay, Rochelle.”

“No,” I reply, “it’s fine. You can go. I might help him escape soon anyway.”

Johnny and Holli leave after a hug and Derrick and Kaz follow closely behind, leaving me and Tommy there. When I lean against the wall next to Tommy, he says, “You know that time we went to Barstow?”

“How can I forget it?”

He rubs his chin in a thoughtful manner. “When Dex called me. He told me two things. One was the motel’s name. The other thing… he said and I quote, “If I die, tell Rochelle I’m sorry.”

I look at him in shock. “Sorry for what?”

“He didn’t say, but something inside me thinks he really was close to death that day. Something made him want to apologize to you and I’m guessing he wanted to go with a clear conscience.”

“I’m guessing it was the drugs,” I remark dryly.

Tommy pushes off the wall, and says, “I’m gonna go. We should talk about the tour soon. Call me next week.”

“I will,” I say, nodding.

I watch as he goes over to Dex and Gage, shaking their hands. Dex’s eyes meet mine across the crowded room before he looks back at Tommy. Once Tommy leaves, a few other mourners talk to them as I make my way over, weaving between small groups of people. I veer to the back door and nod toward it when Dex looks at me. He smiles though I can tell he feels guilty for the small act of happiness when he’s supposed to be sad. I remember battling the same contrasting emotions.

Outside, he finds me smelling the roses. While I’m bent down, his hand slides over the curve of my hip. I turn to him and smile. “Frisky?”

“I couldn’t resist.”

“You’ve been resisting for a while now. What gives?”

“The company is in the capable hands of my cousin and Gage has reconciled with his wife.”

“What about you?”

“I have a tour to prepare for, the album releases soon, and there’s this girl I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. Is now a good time?”

My heart drops to the pit of my stomach. But I’m not surprised. It’s Dex—handsome, funny, so sexy, and famous. He has his pick of women and I guess over the last month or so, he decided not to pick me. I raise my chin a bit, hoping I’m come off as strong, something he said he always admired about me. “Sure,” I say while looking away from his brown eyes that hold me captive every time I look into them. Stay strong.

His fingers grace my cheek. “Rochelle, look at me.”

When I finally look up, daring to meet his intense gaze, he says, “I’m in love with you. I always have been. But, I’m no good for you right now.”

“I don’t understand. Why are you the judge and jury when it comes to me?”

“Because you have responsibilities that I can screw up. I’ve got to get my life together. But I’ll make you a promise right here. I won’t be with anyone else. I don’t want to be. I only want you. I’m just hoping you can hang on a little longer and wait for me as well.”

“How long, Dex? My heart can’t take this back and forth.”

“I want to give you answers. I do, but all I can say is that we’ll know when it’s right. I need to deal with my family first… Gage will always be my brother whether we share the same blood or not. He’s the only family I have left.”

“You’ve got me and the band, the boys, and Tommy. Dex, you have so much goodness. Don’t lose it to the troubles of today.”

“I have to get my mom’s estate settled. I’ve had a lot of time to think. It’s been good for me. I don’t know the last time I really blocked out the noise of my life, but I liked it. I also thought a lot about us. About you. Nothing new there, but I just want you to know that I love you. I keep saying it hoping you’ll believe me.”

I touch him, my fingers around his hand. “I believe you. I just want to be with you. I shouldn’t. Not with how you’ve left me in the past, but I love you too much to let this fade away as if it never happened.”

“You’re so damn beautiful.” He laughs and looks around. “The old me would take you upstairs in the middle of this depressing party and fuck you.”

He makes me smile with his confession and I ask, “And the new you?”

“The new me wants to take you upstairs and make love to you.”

Laughing, I squeeze his hand. “You know, you don’t have to change on my account. I like all your sides.”

“You’re the best reason for all the changes in my life. I don’t do drugs anymore. I don’t have seizures anymore. I wake up with a clear head though sometimes my heart is cloudy.”

“Sounds like a song.”

With a grin, he says, “It is. I want to play it for you soon.”

“Dex?” Gage calls from the back door. He doesn’t see us and Dex doesn’t make a move to respond either.

He finally says, “I should get back. You were right.”

“About what?”

“Being here. You once told me that you never had a chance to be weak because you were so busy being strong for everyone else.” He signals over his shoulder toward the house. “That’s what this is. It’s about helping everyone else through the loss they’re experiencing.”

“What about you?”

He smirks. “I could ask you the same.”

“I’ve mourned. It may have taken me a long time to do, but I’ve done it. I’m choosing to live my life now.”

Leaning down, really close to my ear, he whispers, “You’re incredibly sexy. Go home. I’m gonna kick everyone out shortly. I’ll give you a call.”

“I hope you do. Oh, and why are you sorry?”

“Sorry?”

“Back in Barstow. You told Tommy to tell me you were sorry. Sorry about what?”

“Dex?” his brother yells outside again.

Dex says, “That’s my cue. We’ll talk soon.”