It wasn’t the merry-go-round of emotions that usually woke me up, my own inner turmoil disturbing any peace I found in sleep. Nope. It wasn’t even an alarm jolting me awake. Two little wiggly monkeys giggle at my side, under the covers, and I roll over, waking up with a smile. “Good morning, guys.”

I’m greeted with more laughs, giggles that tell me they think they’re getting away with something. I throw the comforter over my head and trap us all underneath. Wide eyes and big smiles warm my heart. “Who’s up for an adventure today?”

“Me,” both Neil and CJ repeat several times, vying for my attention.

I flip the covers back down and say, “So what are we waiting for? Let’s go.”

They take off toward their bedrooms and I go to my closet, pulling on comfy jeans and a T-shirt. After brushing our teeth all lined up in a row in my bathroom, we slip on our shoes and head to the SUV. As soon as we’re all inside and buckled, I ask, “Who wants to go to the zoo?” They both start jumping up and down in their seat with excitement. I add, “But first, we’re gonna get some doughnuts.”

* * *

Sitting on a bench watching my monkeys watch the zoo’s monkeys makes me smile. They’ve been to the zoo many times over the years but today feels special—a new sense of freedom is felt that I didn’t carry even as recently as yesterday.

It makes me want to call Dex and thank him, but like he said, he’s not ready. He needs to find the good in himself, a good that I see so clearly now.

Ultimately, Firenza never mattered. I built her up to be something bigger in my head, someone better than me. She’s not. She’s just struggling to find the good within herself, just like Dex. She thinks hooking up with celebrities and chasing rich men will make her happy. But I kind of live by the old adage—a woman who marries for money earns every cent. Her happiness won’t be found in someone else’s wallet.

She is a consequence to mine and Dex’s actions. We’re at fault equally. But despite this new outlook on life, the bottom line is that Dex didn’t have sex with her because deep down, he loves me. He didn’t say it, but I feel it. I smile, knowing one day Dex and I will both heal and be whole again. And maybe, just maybe, if the stars align, we’ll be together. I walk over and join the kids, being silly, and enjoy the great life I’ve been given.

* * *

Dear Cory,

The beginning of October came and just like every year in LA, the weather changes to slightly milder from its usual state. Waking up early to get the kids to school never gets easier, but it does free up more of my day for work. Add CJ playing soccer and Neil taking private drumming lessons and my week is full.

Btw – Neil kicks ass on drums. At his age, I can confirm that he’s living up to the Neil Peart moniker. You’d be proud.

Despite the crazy, I love the days when I get to play mom and spend time with them, but I’d miss the connection with the band.

I laugh lightly as I write: Who knew I’d end up in the business world after fighting against it for so long. But you know what? I’m good at my job. Damn good, and that makes me feel great. As silly as it sounds, my family is proud that by all appearances, I’m a respectable member of society these days instead of a ‘groupie with tattoos’ like they once called me.

The tour ended over the summer and the band has been writing music again. Johnny told me last week they have five solid songs for the new album, but refused to share until they’re “ready.” The offers have been pouring in and now the band seems to be doing a lot of appearances. I remember you preferred to stay home. I still do too. Scheduling has fallen on my shoulders to keep them organized. It’s a lot of work, but I love the extra responsibility.

We really didn’t think they could get much bigger, but the fans proved otherwise. The Resistance earned two gold records and three awards for Band of the Year, Album of the Year, and Sexiest Band of the Year. Yeah, I’ve had to temper their egos for that last one by reminding them of their awkward teenage years from when I knew them when… You would find it really funny. Anyway, I guess that’s it for now.

XO

I tuck my journal back into my nightstand drawer and lay there, staring up at the ceiling. The quiet leaves too much space to fill and my mind drifts to Dex. I call Holli, hoping for a respite from the wondering.

She answers, always happy to hear from me, “Hey there.”

“Hey, it’s not too late is it?”

“Nope. Just having a glass of wine outside. It’s beautiful out tonight.”

“Where’s Johnny?”

“He went back into the studio after dinner. Did you want to talk to him?”

“No, I called for you.”

She says, “It’s good to hear from you. How have you been?”

“I need to talk to someone…”

“Alright. You sound serious. Everything okay?”

I release an unsteady breath, then say, “I miss Dex.”

There’s a long pause. I’m sure she’s taking in the information. “Why do you miss Dex?”

“I need to tell you something, but you can’t tell anyone else. Okay?”

“Okay,” she answers hesitantly. “You can trust me. You know that.”

“I know. That’s why I’m calling. Look it’s no secret that Dex and I were getting close… I’m sure Johnny told you.”

“Johnny didn’t tell me, but I heard some roadies talking about it.”

“Oh great. Now we’re fodder for roadies.” I roll my eyes.

“It was all good gossip if there is such a thing as good gossip. As for Johnny, I’ve wondered why he didn’t tell me. I’m thinking he hasn’t come to terms with the idea. You know how protective he is of you—”

“And how he used to feel about Dex.”

“I think he’s made peace with him ever since he completed the last visit to rehab. When it comes to you and Dex being together, that may take more time.”

“Here’s the thing I don’t understand,” I start, snuggling under my covers after rolling away from the lamp on the nightstand. “We’ve struggled, Holli. This doesn’t come easy for me and he’s just as lost as me. Put us together and sometimes we’re like peanut butter and chocolate and other times we’re like oil and water.”

“Did you just compare your relationship with Dex to food?”

“Don’t judge. I’m hungry and I want all the bad things to inhale right now because I feel this crazy sadness, a sadness that’s different from the one I had for Cory.”

“I know the sadness, Rochelle. I know it well because I feel it too. Every time Dalton tours or has to make an appearance out of LA, I feel it.” Her voice gets all girly-mushy on me when she says, “Awwww, you miss Dex.”

Naturally, I respond like the girl I am and pout. “I do. I miss him. I don’t know what happened, but he pulled away when I thought we were moving forward. We were going slow, but making progress.”

Holli sighs softly, then says, “I’m sorry. I wish I knew what was going on with him. I only see him occasionally when the guys practice and record here.”

“Can you talk to him about it?”

I think about what I would say to him if I could talk openly. “Maybe. But when I’ve seen him lately, it’s with the boys. He still spends time with them here and there, but never stays to spend time with me.”

“Are you worried about him relapsing? Hiding something from you?”

“Not really. I’m more worried about the fact that I can’t stop thinking about a man who seems to have stopped thinking about me.” I laugh at the end though I’m not really amused, just trying to cover my awkward real emotions.

“When our hearts are involved, we’re always at risk. But there’s no fun in safe.”

“Nope, there’s no fun in safe.” I look at the ring of flowers wrapped around my wrist and remember how free I felt from the ties of my past. These flowers represented the life I chose, not the one my family had chosen for me. “Yeah, if I’d played it safe, I’d be married to a banker or insurance broker in Boston, attending luncheons in Chanel suits.”

She laughs. “I love a good Chanel suit, but not on you. You’re way too vibrant for something like that.” She pauses, then says, “How long has it been since you spent time together, just the two of you?”

“When he told me he was going to show me how much he cares.”

Holli’s smile is heard through the phone. “Well, time will only tell, but I have a good feeling about you two.”

“I appreciate you listening. Oh, and while I have you on the phone. Lunch soon?”

“Definitely. I’m in town next week, but leave for a week after that for a shoot in New York.”

“Awesome. We’ll catch up next week.”

She says, “Anytime, my friend. Bye.”

“Night.”

Laying there, I acknowledge my feelings instead of hiding from them. I miss Dex. I miss snuggling with him and taking drives up the coast to watch sunsets. I liked him in my life and I think my heart just got used to him being around. It leaves me thinking about the promise he made to me on the beach in Miami, wondering if it was fleeting in the moment, just like the sunset that night.

I bury my face into the pillow, refusing to sit here and wallow. After a minute, I roll over and turn out the lamp and go to sleep.