Chapter 34
“Dude, how the fuck did you manage to get Violet to say yes when you proposed?” Ben asked as he dropped onto the couch.
“What?” Ian asked with a confused frown. “I just got down on one knee and… Violet, I love you blah blah blah, will you marry me?”
“I tried the blah blah blah, it doesn’t work with Madison. It was when you guys were in Mexico, right?”
“Yes, but what does that have to do with-”
“Were you holding her passport hostage and only agreed to give it back to her if she said yes?” he asked, thinking it might be a good idea.
Ian stared at him. “No,” he said slowly. “And you do know that’s a federal crime, right?”
“Of course, I do.”
Ian sighed in relief, then took a long pull of beer before adding, “Well, it’s hard to tell with you sometimes.”
“I’d take her to the Bahamas or something. I mean if she has her passport, we’re abroad anyway, so no federal crime,” Ben finished with a dismissive wave of his hand.
“Man, why are you insisting? She told you she wanted to wait,” Chris intervened, lowering the sound on the television.
“Yeah. I did.”
“Three weeks!”
“I thought she needed to see the doctor to confirm everything was OK with the baby!”
“Oh my goodness,” Ian muttered under his breath. “How she deals with your crazy ass, I don’t know.”
“For real, guys. I’ve tried the spontaneous approach, it didn’t work.”
Chris shook his head. “Man… popping the question before your morning shower, with no ring, the day after you find out she is pregnant, is not spontaneous.”
“It was technically two days later,” Ben corrected. “But fine, I’ll give you that. I also tried the restaurant, you know, hide a text in a fortune cookie? It didn’t work. It took me like at least half an hour to come up with my poem, and it left her cold. Well, no, not exactly. She stared at me for a solid minute before excusing herself to go to the bathroom.”
“You…you wrote a poem?”
“Duh. It’s a proposal. It’s important.”
“I have a feeling I’m gonna regret this,” Ian murmured, “but please share your masterpiece with us.”
Ben cleared his throat. “It said, ‘My short-sighted Pumpkin, now that you carry our Munchkin, and that the doctor said it was a baby, it’s high time I make you my wifey.’ The paper was almost too big to fit inside the cookie, but the guy managed.”
Ian and Chris stared at him in silence for a few long seconds.
“Let me guess, you skipped poetry class in high school?”
“He did,” Chris said with a nod. “I would have had to excuse myself to the bathroom too if I had been Madison, by the way.”
“The emotion?”
“More like the laughter. ‘The doctor said it was a baby?’ Like… were you guys dreading ending up with a giraffe or something?”
“I needed a rhyme for wife, I couldn’t find one, so I tried wifey and baby, and it worked. I did my best, OK.”
“Maybe… life? ‘I want you for the rest of my life, so what do you say about being my wife?’ That could have worked,” Ian offered.
“Oh. Fuck. Yeah, that’s a good one.”
“You could have also gone with ‘Since you’re now my one and only, I’d like you to be my wifey.’ And out of all her attributes, you went with the fact that she wears glasses? For real?” Chris glared at him. “Dude, at least mention her smile or her hair or… I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure anything else would have been better.”
“Hey. I love her glasses, OK? But I hear you. I’m totally asking you for my next try. You guys are good at this. So?”
Ian sighed. “So what?”
“What do you suggest I do?”
“Wait. Like at least until a few months after your baby is born, so things settle a little.”
“But Chris, that’s in a year!” Ben exclaimed, horrified. “That’s way too long.”
“In the meanwhile, why don’t you start by suggesting living together? Maybe it’s a good first step. That’s how I did it with Vi.”
“Ian, I’m a go big or go home kind of guy.”
“Yeah, but if you keep going big, you’ll go home and by yourself if you know what I mean.”
“Madison loves me.”
Ian snorted so loud, it woke Rocco up. “Oh, believe me, no one, and I do mean no one doubts that. We mostly wonder how she manages to stay sane while loving you.”
Ben watched as his dog started to stretch before strutting his way to the couch. “Come over here, buddy,” he said, leaning down to give him a lift.
“He still can’t make it all the way up to the couch?” Ian chuckled.
“It’s a big couch, OK? He has no problem at Madison’s place, for instance. And he manages just fine if he takes a big leap. He’s just not used to Chris’ couch.”
Meeting up at O’Malley’s was becoming harder and harder with baby Jonathan, so Chris and Evie had invited everyone for Sunday brunch. The girls were God knew where, doing God knew what, while the three of them were watching the football game. Rocco had obviously chosen to stick with the men since they had settled in the living room with the comfy carpets. Carpets that weren’t as nice as the couch, judging by the intense wiggling and content groaning coming from his left.
“Rocco, calm down,” he said distractedly, giving him a belly rub.
“Hey, you didn’t tell us how Madison’s parents took the news.”
“They still don’t know,” Ben admitted. “She wants to wait until the three months mark. I told her she’d better tell her dad I proposed, and she’s the one being stubborn.”
Ian coughed. “Watch out. Your patriarchy is showing.”
“Fine. Her parents. What about you guys, you plan on getting hitched any time soon?” He turned toward Chris who was on the other side of the couch. “Chris?” he repeated when he got no answer. “Why are you staring at my dog like that?”
“Ben…”
“Yes?” Glancing down, he saw that Rocco was being his usual self, stretched out to maximize the tummy surface available for the scratching.
“I… Has someone told you that Rocco is…”
“You’d better not say chubby.” Rocco might have gained a pound or two since he had adopted him, but it was fall, and everyone gained a little bit of weight when it got colder.
“No. I was going to say female.”
“Are you saying my dog looks like a chick?”
“No. I am saying your dog is female.” Chris pointed at Rocco’s little penis. “See?”
“Well, dude. He was n-e-u-t-e-r-e-d, that’s why his p-e-n-i-s and b-a-l-l-s are gone.”
“They don’t cut penises when they neuter dogs, man, what the hell?” Ian exclaimed, leaning past him to take a look at Rocco’s private parts. “Holy shit. Ben, it’s not a penis.”
“Of course, it is. It’s smaller than the norm, and yes the shape is a little weird, but that’s because-”
“They only snip the balls. And a dog’s penis is higher on the stomach,” Christopher explained.
Ben grabbed Rocco, putting him on his lap to examine him closely. Truth be told, he had never taken a good look. He never really had a reason to.
His phone was on the coffee table and he picked it up, quickly opening a Google page.
Twenty seconds later, he had his answer.
“Are you fucking kidding me?!”
***
“Have you started gaining weight?” Everleigh asked as they were going through some maternity clothes in her closet. Harper, Paula, and Violet were having a drink in the kitchen, taking turns at holding Jonathan who seemed to rather enjoy all the feminine attention.
“No. My boobs are bigger, though. Well, that’s what Ben says anyway. They’re more sensitive for sure,” Madison replied, her hands covering her breasts. Her bras did seem a little tighter lately, but she had been surprised that Ben had noticed the slight change.
“I had this amazing cream for stretch marks. Mind you, it didn’t save me completely, but I think it did some serious damage control.”
Madison grimaced. “I already have some, so I’ll take all the help I can get to avoid having more.”
“I probably still have it somewhere. I kept using it until they faded.”
Madison followed her to the bathroom, sitting on the edge of the tub while Everleigh crouched down to look in the cupboard under the sink.
“Please don’t look at the mess. I’m the worst when it comes to throwing stuff away because I’m always afraid I might need it again and won’t remember the name of the brand.”
“I’m the same. Ben is much neater. You know the mini bottles of products you get in hotel rooms?”
“Yes?”
“He puts them in a nice basket. I just shove them in a plastic bag, then forget about it and eventually throw them away three years later, like… like normal people do.”
“You wouldn’t think that of him when you meet him. He seems constantly carefree.”
“It’s a façade,” Madison said wisely. “He’s a control freak. Checks everything twice, makes sure it’s all in order. I’m the one who puts the bottle of shampoo back on the wrong shelf.”
“Isn’t it hard? I mean… I know you guys don’t live together but…”
Madison shrugged. “It could be if he was obsessive and constantly nagging me about it, but he just puts things back where he thinks they belong. I don’t think he even notices I’m the one who messed them up.”
Everleigh laughed. “Men can be oblivious like that. Speaking of being a slob…” she trailed off, holding out a box of condoms. “These were here before I moved in.”
Turning the box around, she looked at the bottom before letting out a small whistle. “He must have bought them when he got the house. They expired two years ago!” Shaking her head, she threw the box in the trash can, a few foil parcels spilling.
Madison blinked. They were oddly familiar.
It wasn’t the brand Ben used but…
“Oh my God,” she breathed out, reaching into the trash can to retrieve the box.
“Wow, Madison, that’s kinda gross. I mean I don’t think there are super ewww things in there but still, it’s the trash can.”
“Oh my God,” Madison repeated.
“You’re freaking me out right now.”
“It wasn’t me, Evie!” She stood up, holding the box as proof. “It wasn’t me!!”
“You’re not making a lot of sense…”
“I can’t believe… and he’s always so… ‘I’ve always been super careful, Madison,’” she said, mimicking his tone. “My ass!”
“Is it the hormones? They drove me nuts too. Maybe you need some ice cream? Cherry Garcia was the best when I was losing it, and I’m sure Chris or Ben would grab some for you,” Everleigh said slowly, watching her with wary eyes. “I’m also just starting to understand a little more what Chris went through because you really look a little insane.”
Madison grinned, shaking her head. “He messed up, Evie. Even if, somehow, I did screw up… We’re so even, it’s not even funny.”
Turning around, she stormed out of the bedroom, forgetting about the magical cream for her stretch marks. The super arrogant, cocky, conceited man had fucked up too.
She went back downstairs, hearing the men arguing about dog breeds as she made her royal entrance into the living room, holding the box of condoms like it was the Olympic flame. “Benedict Bartholomew Franklin Ackerman!” she bellowed, walking to him and slapping the box against his chest.
“What…”
“… Benedict Bartholo…? Your name is Benedict?” Ian asked in disbelief, his mouth hanging open.
“Pumpkin, what the fuck?” Ben hissed.
“You have been giving me shit about my last name for years, and your name is freaking Benedict?!”
“Your last name is Dunkin and you’re a cop, you basically gave me the stick to beat you up with!” Ben snapped. “I didn’t choose my name, you chose your career!”
“Wow, it’s good Jonathan is awake because you guys are being super loud,” Violet said, joining them with her godson in her arms. “And… really? I thought your name was either just Ben or Benjamin.”
“We all did!” Ian exclaimed. “Holy shit. I can’t believe you managed to keep this a secret for so long.”
Ben pinched his lips, tilting his head to glare at her. “You see what you’ve done?”
“What I’ve done? Why don’t you look at what you’re holding, so we can talk about what you’ve done instead?”
“Condoms?” Ben frowned. “We don’t use them anymore, what the hell am I supposed to do with this?”
“They’re not ours. They were in the cupboard under the sink. In Chris and Evie’s room,” she added smugly. “Why don’t you look at the date at the bottom?”
She saw the exact moment he put two and two together.
“Could someone explain what’s going on… and why you guys are digging out my old condoms?”
“Based on the dates the doctor gave us, we conceived Munchkin shortly after London. I thought I had messed up with my pill and that the condom had failed us, like it sometimes happens. But… it’s just that Ben hadn’t checked the date. He messed up just as much as I did if not more! Ha!”
“When did you guys use… when you babysat Jonathan, right? Oh God, no. My brain. My brain is coming up with mental pictures.”
“Just… tell us it wasn’t in our bathroom or bedroom,” Chris said faintly.
“Eww, Chris, no. Of course not.” Madison grimaced at the idea of having sex in her friends’ room.
“The laundry room. That’s why all the Clorox wipes. I knew our washing machine wasn’t that clean when we left,” Everleigh said with a sigh. “I don’t know how to feel about all of this. I’m grossed out that you guys had sex on my innocent washing machine. But maybe you conceived and… that’s kinda special, I guess?”
“It is very special,” Ian said. “Picturing Benedict fertilizing Madison’s egg makes me really emo.” He paused with a shit-eating grin. “Get it? Egg, Benedict?”
“And that’s why I never tell people my full name, Pumpkin,” Ben said in a dull, monotonous voice.
She felt a little bit guilty at that. She had found out his name months ago, randomly. She had dropped her purse on the counter of his kitchen, next to a stack of letters. The first one had stated his full name. He had made her promise to not tell the others. Only Chris knew.
“I’m sorry,” she murmured, twisting her hands together.
Ben sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Yeah, it’s… it’s OK. We have far bigger problems.”
“We do?”
“Yes.” He took a deep breath, resting his hands on his hips, head bowed. “Pumpkin… Rocco Siffredi is a girl.”
“… What?”
“Rocco, our dog… is a girl. She’s a female dog.”
“Oh.” She shared a glance with the rest of the girls who winced. Something Ben noticed.
“You knew?” he asked suspiciously.
“I… Yes.”
“Since when?!”
“The first day? It’s pretty obvious.”
He gaped at her. “And you didn’t tell me?!”
“We figured finding out it wasn’t a Doberman was a shock in itself and… hum… how exactly did you find out?”
“Chris told me his penis was too small and in the wrong place. I Googled.”
“Mia will be happy, at least,” Violet said in a grumpy voice.
“Why? And I can’t believe she didn’t tell me, by the way. I’m like her second big brother!”
“We swore to keep it a secret until you found out and…” Madison licked her lips nervously. “Maybe… maybe we had a bet.”
“A bet?”
“Yes. Mia said either Chris or Ian would notice and then tell you. Violet thought you’d finally realize that since Rocco isn’t a puppy anymore, there is no reason why he pees while crouching.”
“Evie?” Ben asked, his lips tightly pressed together, his hands still firmly on his hips.
Everleigh looked sheepishly at him. “I said it would be at the first veterinarian check-up.”
He then turned to Madison. “And you?”
“Oh, I lost after a week,” she said dismissively. “I assumed you’d figure it out once you realized dogs were sniffing her at the park. To me, it was a dead giveaway.”
“I thought… I thought they were gay,” he admitted.
“… All of them?” Ian asked in disbelief.
“Rocco is very well groomed, OK? I thought some of them might have just been questioning their sexuality, but yeah, I wasn’t that surprised he was attracting other males. I mean, it’s my dog. He gets it from me.”
“She.”
“Well, if it’s a she, obviously she doesn’t get it from me,” Ben pointed out. “And I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!”
“What I can’t believe is that after finding out you had been dead wrong about the breed, you didn’t even take the time to check the adoption papers,” Madison snapped back. To be fair, she had quickly forgotten about it. Once she had realized that Ben wasn’t going to have an epiphany soon, she had kept pretending and eventually, it had slipped her mind. “But knowing that, I shouldn’t be surprised you also didn’t read the date on the condoms!”
“Hey! If I had read that damn date, you wouldn’t be knocked up, woman! So, you’re welcome!”
“Vi, honey, hand me some popcorn, will you?” Ian stage-whispered suddenly behind her. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m over the moon these two decided to hook up. Best Sunday entertainment ever.”
“You say that but wait until you find out they had sex on your dishwasher.”