Chapter 32
He woke up to a pounding headache.
His stomach rolled when he tried to sit up, so he fell back on the soft cushions.
Jesus. He hadn’t felt this awful in years. He searched his memory, trying to remember why on earth he had thought drinking so much would be a good idea.
He wasn’t twenty anymore, and he didn’t have the stomach of a frat boy anymore either.
Slowly, he eventually managed to shift to a sitting position, closing his eyes tightly when the room started to move around him. He had seen enough to figure out he was in his living room, and the sun was shining bright.
He tried to calm the wave of nausea, breathing slowly through his nose, exhaling through his mouth. It took a while, but eventually his stomach seemed to settle enough for him to stand up.
He wasn’t exactly proud of it, but it took until he was in the shower to remember what had happened the night before.
Madison was pregnant.
His knees buckled so hard that he sat down in the shower, letting the warm water wash over him.
Madison was pregnant.
At first, he felt… like a blank page. The thought was too inconceivable for someone who never expected to have children of his own. His brain was coming up empty. Holding his head between his hands, he tried to rationalize the concept, to make it more real.
They had had sex. Her pill had failed. The condom had decided to fail, too, because why the fuck not apparently. And somehow, it had happened just when it shouldn’t have happened.
Fuck you. That’s your kid you’re talking about. It happened because it had to happen.
He let out a small laugh at that. His kid was stubborn as hell, apparently. And resilient.
Already the perfect mix of his parents.
“Holy shit, I’m gonna be a dad,” he murmured, staring at the water forming a small river.
What kind of father could he be? With the example he had grown up with? Or the lack of example, to be more accurate. He wasn’t like Chris, who had been born into that role, even if it had taken him a while to come to terms with that fact. He knew next to nothing about how to raise a child.
He had more than enough money to provide, but that was the easiest part. One he didn’t even have to work for.
His father had fucked him up, that wasn’t a secret. Hell, even learning about the pregnancy had been about Bartholomew Ackerman more than anything else. After thinking he’d finally win one over his father by not granting him his dying wish, then having the news dropped on him that way had been… something he was not equipped to deal with.
He still wasn’t sure if he was equipped any better right now, but his headspace was at least a little better. Maybe the booze had gotten rid of the ugly stuff in his brain, along with quite a few cells.
There was an innocent baby who would join him and Madison in some… seven or eight months, he wasn’t exactly sure, and that was his priority.
If this was what Madison wanted too.
“Fuck,” he hissed as he stood up and grabbed the shampoo. He had to make things right with her.
He had been such a failure. It was ironic how his father had talked about mistakes and failures, and the definitions of these words were much more different to Ben.
The mistake or the failure wasn’t about the birth control or the unexpected pregnancy.
It was about the way he had reacted and basically abandoned Madison in a very hard, emotional moment.
He finished off his shower in minutes, getting ready just as fast. The only stop he made was in the kitchen to get a cup of strong coffee. He had some serious groveling to do and needed his head as clear as possible. Showing up hungover would definitely not help the situation, not if he wanted to prove to Madison that she could count on him.
For the first time in his life, he allowed himself to think about what it would be like to have a real family. A child, maybe two. The dog was already in the picture. Sure, it wasn’t the usual Lab, but those were overrated anyway. Who needed big, cuddly dogs when you could have one that you could carry around like a football?
And Madison. If he was honest, knowing it was going to be with her kept the usual panic at bay. Yes, he was freaking out. No, he wasn’t sure he had what it took to be a good dad. But sharing that with Madison? If there was one thing that kept him steady, it was her. She’d make a hell of a mother, and he wanted the two of them to be the best parents a child could possibly have. The idea of holding a baby, as small as Jonathan had been a few months ago, to hold them in his hands and know that it was his child, one that he had created with Madison, was filling his heart with something that took him a few moments to recognize.
Love.
Not the kind of love he had for his friends, or even for Chris or Mia. Also not the same one he had for Madison. No. It was something new. Something he knew would stay with him for the rest of his life.
He wasn’t sure what he expected when he knocked on Madison’s door, but it certainly wasn’t the redheaded fury storming her way to him.
“You fucking asshole,” she growled, literally growled, her eyes throwing daggers at him.
He didn’t even have the time to react or ask what Harper was doing in Madison’s apartment, before his cheek was burning and a loud slap was echoing in the room.
His hand covered his cheek, still too shell-shocked to react. Harper could slap. Harper could really slap.
Not that he didn’t deserve it.
“Harper!” Madison’s gasp reached through the numbness in his brain, just before he heard Rocco’s yapping and felt his small paws on his leg. He bent down automatically to scoop him up, letting him soothe the fire on his face with a few long licks.
Holy shit, that really hurt.
“He fucking deserves it! And believe me, he’ll be thankful when I tell Ian and Chris I already kicked his ass. They would have ripped him a new one.”
There was some truth in that, and he felt another kind of burning suddenly.
Shame. Deep, profound shame at how lame of a man he had been the day before.
Rocco was wiggling in his arms, letting out these tiny dog squeals of delight, and he petted him, rubbing his favorite spot on his neck. He had missed the little rat.
“If you’re not here to apologize, get out,” Harper continued, crossing her arms over her chest.
“I’m here to talk to Madison,” he explained, keeping his eyes on the one he had come to see. She had dark circles under her eyes. Eyes that were red and puffy.
Good job, asshole. Good fucking job, making your pregnant girlfriend cry.
“Harper, it’s fine,” Madison said with a sigh.
Harper stared at him then eventually nodded. She picked up her jacket from the back of the couch and shrugged it on. “I walked Rocco early this morning. He had steak for dinner and breakfast, so don’t let him fool you. For the rest, he was a sweetheart, unlike his human. He ate the food you told me to get him too. We had to make an exception because I hadn’t brought any with me.”
“Thank you.”
“I swear to God if you don’t make this right, I’m coming for your dick,” she hissed as she walked past him.
Fair enough.
She closed the door behind her and he let Rocco back on the floor, who just trotted his way to Madison, his butt wagging in pure happiness.
“I’m sorry, Madison,” he started, deciding it was probably best to go directly to the most important thing. “I’m really, really sorry.”
“It’s OK. You were shocked.”
“No, it’s… well, yes I was shocked but… it’s not just that.”
Her eyes seemed to well up, and he felt even shittier, something he didn’t even know was possible at this point.
“I saw my dad. In LA. It… really messed with my head. It’s not an excuse, and I don’t want you to think I’m trying to make it one but… yeah, I wasn’t… I wasn’t really in a good state of mind.”
“Oh.” She was still standing by the couch, her arms crossed protectively around her. She was wearing what he knew was her comfiest outfit, an old pair of baggy sweatpants with a hole in the back that always let him see her underwear - something he enjoyed very much - and a hoodie from NYU. Her hair was in two intricate braids that he was pretty sure were Harper’s work. She looked even younger than usual, and far more fragile too.
“He has cancer, and he doesn’t have much longer to live.”
Her carefully guarded expression slipped as she rested a hand over her heart. “Oh my God, Ben, I’m so sorry.”
He shook his head. “Don’t be. I’m not. Not really. I don’t think so, at least. Fuck, I don’t know but… it doesn’t matter.”
“Is that why you saw him?”
“I had the honor of a surprise visit on my last day. He started by telling me he was going to sell our house if I didn’t go back to Hedera.”
“But… that’s where you grew up! That’s where your mom…”
“Yeah. He knows that. He doesn’t want to die alone.”
“He blackmailed you? Move back there or he sells the house?”
“Not quite so clearly, but yes. He also…” He took a deep breath because this part was going to be a lot more difficult to share, seeing the situation they were in. “He also said it was time for me to settle down, have children so his name would be carried on.”
Madison frowned, as if trying to make sense of his words, then understanding washed over her face.
“I’m sorry, Madison. The last thing I told him was that he’d die alone, like mom, and that I would make sure his name would die with me.”
“I think I need to sit down,” she said faintly.
“I… I didn’t know when I said that, I had no clue and… and when you told me, I could hear his voice and the stuff he said and… Pumpkin, I’m so sorry. Everything got mixed up, everything he told me, about how knocking a girl up was his biggest mistake, and finally having that satisfaction of knowing I would never give him what he wanted and… I didn’t know. I didn’t know,” he said in a pleading tone as he sat down next to her. He took her hand in his, and she let him.
“Ben, I’m not expecting anything from you. If that’s what you want to be sure of…”
“So you want to keep it?” he asked, not wanting to get his hopes up.
“Yes. But I don’t want you to feel trapped, Ben. In many ways, I get the final decision, but you still have your freedom and… I have thought about it a lot since last night. I made my choice. I won’t resent you for making one, too. We were not dating seriously, we were not really committed in the long-term, it’s… I understand if this is a road you don’t want to take. You get a choice, just like me.”
“Is that how it was for you between us? Not committed?”
Madison gulped, her eyes drifting south. She seemed to only notice then that he was holding her hand, and she pulled away. “Ben, we both know I’m not your type of girl. In many ways, the two of us together… it doesn’t make much sense. No one, and I do mean no one, thinks we’re together. Women still hit on you when we go out for dinner. One even said how nice of you it was to take your little sister out on a Friday night.”
“Don’t remind me,” Ben muttered, still feeling icky about the fact that someone could see them together, see the way he was basically eating Madison up with his eyes, and think sibling love.
Some people were fucking blind or really, really twisted.
“I know how gross it sounds, but it’s the truth. Come on, you know it too. Even your pet name screams affection, not… girlfriend material and long-term relationship.”
“You don’t like it when I call you Pumpkin?” He had been calling her that even before they had officially not-so-officially dated. To him, it was perfect for her.
“I do.” She winced. “But yeah, you call me baby when we have sex and it seems more intimate and… I don’t know. It’s beside the point, though. What I’m trying to say is that I will never hold you responsible for an unplanned pregnancy. I am the one who messed up. We both were unlucky on the condom, but the pill thing? That’s on me. I won’t force you to take a path you don’t want to take. I won’t do it to you, to me, or to this baby. It’s not healthy, and it will only do damage.”
There was a lot to talk about in what she had just said, but one thing at a time was the way to go.
He looked at her, slowly shaking his head. “You’re wrong.”
“Ben, be honest. Tell me your relationship with your father hasn’t caused a lot of damage to you.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about your nickname. It doesn’t prove anything.”
“Whatever. It’s not important, it’s just a word. What I mean is that this baby? It doesn’t have to bond us forever. You get to choose, too.”
His smart, brilliant, rational girl. Always trying to go for the logical, simple angle.
Always missing the elephant in the room.
“I’ve called you Pumpkin every single time I’ve wanted to kiss you.” He smiled, remembering how many times he had wanted to get a taste of her, but held back because they weren’t there yet. “That’s what you tasted like the first time we kissed. That’s why I call you that. Because you remind me of sugar and spices and because sugar and spices are exactly what I crave, even though… I really had no idea.”
“What?” Madison breathed.
“Remember when you kissed me? In my kitchen?”
“Yes. Yes, I…” She grinned, huffing out a small laugh. “I was nervous, so I had gotten a pumpkin spice latte.”
“Yeah. And in case you didn’t notice, I always try to get you that even if most stores stop selling them after Thanksgiving.”
“I… didn’t notice, no. But… yes, you did. You do.”
“And if I mostly call you baby when we have sex, it’s because the craving is being more than satisfied if you know what I mean.”
“I thought you called me Pumpkin because I’m on the chubby side,” she admitted. “Round and homely.”
He blinked. “That… never even crossed my mind, and you’re curvy, not chubby. And even if you were chubby and homely, I have a feeling that would be my type too.” He shook his head at her bewildered expression. “I’m attracted to you, Madison. Because you’re fucking pretty, because your smile makes my knees weak, because your laugh is my favorite music no matter how cheesy that sounds, because you’re funny and smart, because when you look at me, it’s like you’re seeing right through every single layer and… it doesn’t freak me out. It doesn’t make me feel exposed. It makes me feel understood.
“You think we don’t make sense together? Madison, nothing in my life has ever made more sense than the two of us together.”
There was a careful hope lighting in her eyes. “That… might be taking it a little far. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if… you know.”
“We would. Maybe not this open and honest, I’ll give you that. But eventually, this would have come up. That’s how I’ve been feeling for a long fucking while, Pumpkin. At some point, I was gonna burst.”
“What do you mean?” She asked with a small snort. “Somehow, you fell for me between… our fake-dating stunt at the gym and our kinky sleepovers?”
He could see in her eyes she was struggling with his words, as if part of her wasn’t certain she could believe him. That was on him, though. So used to disguising his feelings under teasing and bantering… the price to pay was the girl you were crazy about thinking you were doing it again.
He pulled at the lobe of his ear. This wasn’t what he was best at. He was a talker, for sure. But to charm, to woo, not to… let himself be naked and raw.
“I wish I could tell you I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. Like Chris. You know, he killed it with his love declaration, Evie told me. Swoon-worthy, hearts and flowers, thirteen years of quiet love… But no, Pumpkin, it wasn’t like that for me. I didn’t fall in love because of your smile. I did notice when your smile changed, though. When it was a little less bright. When it didn’t really reach your eyes. That first night, when you had apparently decided to get as drunk as you possibly could? I noticed something was off. How, why, I have no idea because yeah, up until then… you were just Madison, Evie’s cute nerdy friend. And I saw how it didn’t get better in the next few times we met. Every damn time, Pumpkin, I saw it. All I wanted was for you to be happy and to smile and laugh, because God knows I love your laugh and I’m a selfish bastard like that. When we kissed, that very first time? That’s when it happened for me. I realized then that this girl I loved spending time with? She could also rock my world with just a kiss.”
Her eyes widened. “But you stopped me,” she blurted out. “You pushed me away.”
“I pulled away,” he corrected her. “I thought we had settled that.”
She rolled her eyes. “Fine. You pulled away. Why did you pull away if you wanted more?”
“Yeah… well…” He trailed off, trying to find the right words. “See, the thing with love is that apparently you kinda stop giving a fuck about your own needs. I promised myself that we wouldn’t move onto the next step until you’d gotten that beautiful smile of yours back and no more shadows in your eyes. I would have loved to be the one to help you get there, Madison, but the truth was that you didn’t need me. You needed time. I just tagged along in case you needed someone to hold your hand at some point, but the one way for you to get over what happened was to work through it yourself. Not get swept off your feet by the most handsome man in Manhattan.”
“You mean you didn’t want to be some kind of a rebound,” she corrected, reading him perfectly.
“Well, yes, maybe that too.”
“And the most handsome man in Manhattan is Chris.”
“He lives in Brooklyn.”
“And-”
“Damn it, woman, will you tell me you love me too?” He said with a sigh, glaring at her.
“You… technically didn’t say you loved me.”
“What part of ‘the thing with love’ did you miss exactly?”
“The one that is comprised of exactly three words.”
“You’re really gonna make me say it, huh?” he asked, folding his lips over his teeth. “Damn. I’ve never said it to a girl, Pumpkin.”
“It’s OK. You can do it,” Madison gently nudged him.
“Well, it’s not easy.”
“First times rarely are.”
He gently pulled her onto his lap, his hand lingering on her butt, the other slipping over her thigh. “Fine. I love you. Happy?”
“Very. For a start. You might have to work a little on the spontaneous aspect of it.”
“And?”
“And also maybe not use ‘happy?’ in the end?”
“Pumpkin.”
She grinned. “You want to kiss me?”
“I want you to put me out of my misery and then, yes, I want to shut you up and kissing is a great way to achieve that.”
“I love you, too.”
He looked into her eyes, her warm, soft eyes that always made him feel a hundred different things at the same time. This woman, this extraordinary woman, loved him. “I’m so fucking lucky.”
“Yes. Now, feel free to shut me up any time.”