Chapter 30
Kicking his door closed had never felt this good. This was where he belonged. In a loft hovering over Central Park, not in a mansion in Oregon.
He turned the music up as soon as he walked inside the living room, trying to fill his head with something different than a constant repeat of his conversation with his father.
He didn’t even take the time to shower, heading straight to the small bar instead and pouring himself a generous glass of Whiskey. The tiredness from the trip, the extra load of work that was waiting for him on Monday, and his meeting with his father were like dead weights on his shoulders.
Bartholomew Ackerman had always been a cold man. At least, that’s how Ben had always known him. He had never accepted that his life wouldn’t be the one he had envisioned for himself. The wife by his side wasn’t a leggy model, his son was too gentle. Most men would have seen Charlotte Ackerman as the most exquisite, loveliest wife. She was sweet, tender, patient, and supportive. An amazing mother as well.
All Bartholomew could see was the young girl he had knocked up during a school trip in Europe and gotten saddled with for the rest of his life. His son, despite being tender-hearted, wasn’t bending to his will. He started to ignore them both by the time Ben was old enough to go to Kindergarten.
More than twenty-five years. Twenty-five years during which Ben had realized how little he meant to his father. And yet, it still hurt every time he was reminded of it.
He finished his glass in one long gulp, then dropped his head back against the couch, closing his eyes.
His father was going to die. Shortly, apparently. He had no idea how he was supposed to react to that. Losing his mom had been devastating for him. The only loving parent he had was taken away way too soon. His grandparents had done their best to surround him with tenderness and love, but there was no way they could take the place of his mom. Not only was he heartbroken, but he struggled to find his own sense of self-worth, growing up with a father who viewed him as a failure.
How did you mourn a parent who never loved you and did everything so you wouldn’t love him either?
The idea that what he still considered to be his mother’s house would probably be sold was hard for him to deal with. He had no idea how Chris had been able to sell the family house after his own parents had passed away unexpectedly. And he had been some ten years younger, too. Maybe being responsible for Mia had forced him to analyze things rationally. He had to move to New York and finish college if he wanted to be able to support his little sister. He needed a decent place for them to live. The decision had been hard, but in the end, Chris had done what needed to be done in order to give him and Mia the best possible start in life under the circumstances.
And here he was, struggling with a decision his best friend had had to make in much more difficult times.
Although, to be fair, he wasn’t exactly struggling with the decision since the decision wasn’t his to make in the first place.
“Fuck this,” he muttered as he put the glass down on the coffee table and stood up.
He took a long shower, trying to clear his head, but his conversation with his father stubbornly refused to leave his brain. It was almost six when he walked out of his bedroom, and he knew Madison was supposed to stop by after her work.
To be fair, knowing she was coming by was the only thing that had stopped him from downing the bottle of Whiskey. He’d tease her, they’d bicker then have some great sex, and everything would be so much better after that. Easy, simple.
His housekeeper had stocked his fridge, and he made a mental note to give her a raise for the thoughtfulness of having also cooked some pasta for dinner. That would be perfect for him and Madison after round one.
The bell rang, and he opened the door so fast he made her jump. “Oh. Wow,” she added when he pulled her in his arms, dying to get a taste of her after more than ten days.
He walked them back inside, their mouths joined. “We’re gonna fuck all night long,” he promised, letting his lips trail down her jaw.
“Hum, OK, maybe let me get my coat off first?”
“Sorry, baby,” he said with a grin, taking her handbag for her. “I missed you a whole lot.”
She gave him a small smile. “I missed you too. Did you have a drink?”
“Yup. Whiskey. Want some?”
“No thanks.” She rubbed her hands together and he encased them in his.
“Are you cold?”
“No. Just… you seemed a little weird yesterday.”
“We didn’t talk yesterday.”
“By text. You seemed weird by text, which I know sounds a little paranoid but… yeah.”
He sighed, then kissed the tips of her fingers. “I’m sorry, baby. It was a long day.”
“Is that all?”
“Yeah. Exhausting day, and with a full migraine by the end of it.” He gave her fingers one last kiss then pulled her arms around his waist, dragging her closer to him. “I feel much better now that I have you here.”
He went to kiss her again, but if she thought he had been weird the day before, he was damn sure she was the one being weird right now. The Madison he knew would have jumped his bones as soon as she had set a foot inside. She wasn’t pulling away from him, but she also wasn’t exactly overly enthusiastic.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Did you hear something about that douchebag in London or is it work?”
“No, it’s not that. Just… Remember how we said we should tell people around us we’re kinda seeing each other?”
“Yeah?” Please tell me you didn’t change your mind about that.
“You’re still thinking that way?”
“Yes, of course yes.” He grinned suddenly. “You already told the girls?”
“No. No, I would have never done that without us talking about it.”
He lifted a shoulder. As far as he was concerned, they had talked about it, weeks ago. The right time had just never come up. “It’s all good. My birthday dinner is on Sunday, we can let them know then. I’ll just stand on a chair, proudly announce that you and I have been doing the dirty for almost a year now.”
OK, now he was certain something was off. She didn’t glare at him or slap his bicep like she usually did. She just pinched her lips and nodded, then bowed her head to stare at the floor.
“Madison, you’re kinda freaking me-”
“I’m pregnant.”
She lifted her head to meet his eyes, and he was completely, utterly glued to the spot. “I… what?” he breathed.
“I… When you said I was cranky and… Well, I was thinking about it after we hung up and how I have all these incontinence supplies taking over my cupboard and… I realized I hadn’t bought tampons in a while. Before… Before London. So yesterday I got a pregnancy test. It was positive. All three of them, actually.”
I’m pregnant.
I’m pregnant.
“But you’re on the pill,” he blurted out. “Are you sure?”
“I know and… I think maybe I messed up with my pill.” Her chin trembled, but he was too shell-shocked to react to her tears. “The jet lag. You’re supposed to take it every twenty-four hours but with London… I was sure I had respected the 24 hours but… maybe I didn’t. I don’t remember, and it’s the only thing that makes sense right now. I messed up.”
“We always use a condom, Madison. The pill plus a condom, how is that even fucking possible?!”
“I don’t know. The condom must have failed just when it shouldn’t have.”
He hated himself at that moment for the words that came to his mind. “Before you get tricked.”
No. Madison wasn’t like that.
Still. He didn’t want children. He had never wanted children. He didn’t want to become like his father, he didn’t… Fuck, especially not now. He didn’t want to give him that satisfaction.
He let out a dry laugh. “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”
“I know it wasn’t planned.”
“Wasn’t planned is the fucking euphemism of the century here, Madison.” His voice was harsh, something he tried to control but completely failed at. He took a deep breath, trying to get a grip on the raging emotions inside of him. “Look, whatever you decide, I’ll be there. One way or another.”
“I don’t know what to do, Ben,” she cried. “I didn’t see myself with a kid so young either.”
He took a step back, grabbing his head between his hands. This was such a fucking mess. He had always done everything he could to avoid this happening.
He had gotten a girl pregnant.
Just like his father.
“I should have gotten snipped,” he hissed.
“I’m sorry.”
He slowly exhaled. Yes, she had messed up with her pill, but the condom had been there for that reason too. What were the odds, really, of both birth control methods failing exactly at the same time?
“I just… I don’t know what to say, Madison. Just… whatever you wanna do, I’ll deal with it.”
“That… that’s it?”
“What the fuck do you want me to say? I’m trying to respect you and whatever decision you’ll make,” he snapped. “Sorry if I am not prepared, but in case you didn’t notice, me being super careful with condoms wasn’t because I was afraid of STDs.”
Madison took a step back, looking at him like he had slapped her. “I think I should go.”
“Yeah, whatever,” he muttered. His father’s voice was haunting his thoughts, playing on repeat over and over again.
I’m trying to make you avoid my mistakes.
Too late, dad.