Chapter Nine
Jordan
As I stood before the door of my brother James’s luxurious condo, I actually felt nervous. It was crazy – why the hell should I be nervous?
Oh, right, I thought sarcastically as I made my hand into a fist and knocked on the door. Because I was a massive fuck-up for the majority of my life.
I heard a thunder of small footsteps on the other side of the door and frowned. Seconds later, it swung open. A pretty woman stood there, holding a chubby toddler on her hip. She was pale, with freckles, bright green eyes, and long brown hair twisted into a messy braid that hung over one shoulder.
“Hi,” she said, sounding flustered. She offered me her free hand and we shook – I was surprised to learn that she had a firm grip. “I’m Hanna, I’ve heard a lot about you.”
I chuckled nervously. “Probably a lot of bullshit,” I said. “I mean, er, bullcrap,” I amended quickly, glancing at the child in her arms. “Sorry about that.”
To my relief, Hanna laughed. “Don’t worry about it,” she said. “I slip all the time.” She ruffled the child’s hair – it was tousled and long, much like James’s. “Besides, he’s only twenty-nine months. I don’t think he’ll be picking up any…colorful language for quite some time.”
Before I could reply, James walked into the foyer. He was still wearing an expensive suit and I guessed that even though he’d been home from the office for a few hours, he’d wanted to look as intimidating as possible.
“Hey,” I said shortly.
James handed me a crystal tumbler with a few inches of bourbon at the bottom. “Cheers,” he said drily before clinking my glass with one of his own.
“I can take Christian into his nursery and put him down for a nap,” Hanna said. “Would that be okay?”
James kissed her on the cheek. It was strange – when he looked at her, he barely resembled himself. His usually intense dark eyes took on the light of love and caring. He’s grown up, I realized in that moment. It’s like he’s a completely different person.
Hanna took Christian out of the room, and James led me down a hallway paved with lush Oriental rugs.
“This place is getting much too small for us,” James remarked under his breath. “We’re going to have to move soon.”
“Are you thinking of leaving Boston?”
James and I walked into a living room that looked out over the city. The floor-to-ceiling windows showed every inch of the Boston skyline, and I felt insignificant by comparison as I looked at the setting sun.
“I’m not sure,” James said. He slouched down in a leather armchair and gestured for me to sit on the couch. I sat down and rolled my drink in my hand, watching as the ice cubes bobbed.
“I don’t know if I’ll stay here forever, either,” I said awkwardly. “New York and Chicago are better for trading. But Chicago isn’t a good place right now, you know?”
James narrowed his eyes. “Jordan, why are you here?”
“You invited me for drinks,” I said flatly. “I assumed we were going to talk about Nathan. You were right, by the way. He’s good. He found Leo in just a few days.”
“I always have the best,” James said in a laconic voice. “You know that.” He drained the rest of his bourbon.
“I do,” I said.
“So, why did you come?”
I sighed. “You’re really going to make me do this, aren’t you?”
“What?”
“Tell you everything in excruciating detail,” I said, shaking my head. “You really want to make me suffer.”
Now it was James’s turn to sigh. “I don’t want you to suffer,” he said. “You have that wrong, at least.”
We lapsed into an uncomfortable silence.
“I know I was a fuck-up,” I said bitterly. “I was just a kid, you know? I didn’t fucking know what I was doing – I didn’t know anything!”
James eyed me. “Yeah, you were a kid,” he replied. “But you were always getting into trouble. That’s all I can remember – Dad yelling at you.” He shook his head and I saw a glint of bitterness in his eyes. “I resented you so much, man, do you know that?”
I narrowed my eyes. “What? Why would you resent me? I was the bad one.”
“Yeah, but you took all of Dad’s attention,” James said. He reached for a large bottle and refilled his glass. “He was so busy worrying about what kind of thing you were going to fuck up next that I barely talked to him.”
“And I hated you,” I responded. “Because you always seemed so angelic and smug. You were Dad’s favorite, and we both knew it.”
James gave me a hard look.
“But I’m different now,” I said. “I’ve changed. And I can prove it to you – hell, I can prove it to the whole goddamned world if I feel like it. Trading West is going places, and I’ve made a whole life for myself.”
James didn’t reply.
“And I know – I know I’m going to need a lot of time to prove this to you,” I said. “But I don’t care. If that’s what it takes, that’s what I’ll do.”
Hanna walked into the room and sat down on James’s lap, apparently ignorant of the tense atmosphere. She kissed James on the cheek and turned to me with a smile.
“Can I get you something else? Our cook already left for the day, but I’m sure I can put something together,” Hanna said. “Would you like another drink?”
I got to my feet. “I can get it,” I said. “Don’t worry about it.” I walked over to the end table and topped off my glass, taking a sip and savoring the smooth bourbon as it cascaded over my tongue.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Hanna continued. She smiled again and I realized that she and James looked truly, blissfully happy. It made me wonder what I’d been missing out on, all of those years I’d spent doing horrible things and wasting away in prison. “I’d love it if you two were close.”
“How’s Christian?” James asked Hanna. “Did he fall asleep?”
Hanna rolled her eyes. “He’s so fussy right now,” she said. She tossed her head to the side and fixed me with a mischievous glance. “If you ever have kids, skip the toddler stage,” she said, yawning and covering her mouth with a slender hand. “They tell you babies are the worst, but that’s not true. Babies are actually pretty good – it’s only when they start walking around that you start to wonder if it’s ever going to get better.”
I laughed. “You seem like a great mother,” I said. “I’m sure Christian will grow up to be a good kid.”
“Oh, me too,” Hanna replied. “But right now, god, it’s torture. I’d take a household of teenage girls over another toddler.”
“You don’t mean that,” James said. He put his hand on Hanna’s belly and for the first time, I saw that she was slightly chubby. “After all, we’re expecting another.”
“Congratulations,” I said. “That’s great news.”
Hanna nodded. “We’re very happy,” she said. She gave James a mock-stern look. “Because we’re going to be two and done, aren’t we, babe?”
James chuckled. “We’ll see. We West men are real bulls, you know that?”
I laughed.
“So, Jordan, what about you?” Hanna asked kindly. “Is there anyone special in your life? Do you have a girlfriend?”
“I’m seeing someone,” I said. Laci’s face popped into my mind and suddenly, I wondered what having children with her would be like. Would we be a happy family, like James and Hanna and Christian? Would we joke about having as many kids as possible?
It occurred to me that Laci and I hadn’t ever really talked about the future. Growing up, I’d always made as much of an effort as possible to live in the present. But now that I’d met someone, I wasn’t so sure that was sustainable any longer…or if it was even something I wanted.
“It must be serious!” James’s joking tone brought me out of my Laci-filled daydreams. “You’re spacing out, man.”
I snorted. “It’s new,” I said, somehow not wanting to divulge everything.
“Well, be careful,” Hanna said. She rolled her eyes. “Women in Boston are crazy.”
“Not this one,” I said. “She’s like, perfect. She teaches high school and lives with her younger sister. Their parents died when she was a kid, and she raised her sister practically by herself.”
Hanna and James blinked, both looking impressed.
“Wow,” Hanna said. “That’s definitely not what I was expecting.”
I frowned. “What exactly were you expecting?”
Hanna flushed and looked away.
“I told her you were always the rebel,” James said. He stretched his long legs out in front of him.
“Not anymore,” I said. And looking around James’s living room at the happy family before me, I knew that it was true.
***
When I left my brother’s condo, I knew I had to see Laci. I’d finally made up my mind that I was going to sit her down and tell her everything about me – and I do mean everything. I wanted her to be a part of my life, both now and in the future, and I knew I couldn’t ask her to do that without being completely honest. The idea made me feel strangely liberated. I’d thought that telling Laci the whole truth would make me nervous, but instead I felt like a giant burden had been lifted from my shoulders. Now she can make up her mind about what kind of man she wants to be with, I thought as I rang the buzzer outside of Laci’s apartment.
Laci buzzed me in and I jogged up the steps. Her door was partially open so I let myself in.
“Laci,” I called. “Are you here?”
“She’s in her room.” Jenna stepped into the living room and stared at me for a long time before rolling her eyes.
Just then, Laci appeared in the hallway. She was wearing a t-shirt and yoga pants that hugged the slight curve of her hips, and I wanted to drop to my knees and yank her panties down right there.
“Hey,” Laci said. She flushed. “This is a surprise – I wasn’t expecting you.”
“Maybe you just forgot again,” Jenna said in a tart voice. “That wouldn’t be a surprise.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What?”
“Nothing,” Laci said. She turned to Jenna. “Can you give us some privacy, please?”
Jenna rolled her eyes again. She huffed a huge sigh before stomping down the hall and slamming a door. Once she was gone, Laci blushed again.
“I’m sorry about that,” Laci said. “She’s…in a mood.”
“Can we talk?” I asked. “Can I take you out to dinner?”
“I don’t know,” Laci said. She cleared her throat. “I have a lot of work to catch up on.”
I frowned. Even though Laci and I were standing only a few feet apart from each other, I felt like she was miles away.
“Laci,” I said, taking her by the arm and peering into her face. “Did something happen? Is everything okay?”
Laci stepped back and waved a hand dismissively through the air. “I’m fine, really,” she said. “It’s just work is kind of stressful right now. I missed a big deadline and the principal was really pissed. And I missed Jenna’s college orientation – that’s why she’s so angry with me.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Dinner won’t take long. I just…I want to tell you some things,” I said. “You know.”
Laci looked guilty and for the first time since we’d met, I instinctively knew that she was keeping something from me.
“I really shouldn’t,” Laci said. “It sounds nice, really, but I’ve got a lot of stuff to take care of here, you know?”
“Worry about that later,” I said. “Come on – I promise, I won’t keep you out all night.”
Laci stared at me for a long time before biting her lip and shaking her head. “Jordan, I’m sorry, but I really need to stay in tonight,” she said. “Another time.”
I frowned. “How about tomorrow?”
Laci sighed. She pulled her phone from her pocket and glanced down at her calendar. “It’s going to have to be next week,” she said. “I promised Taylor I’d go shopping with her this weekend, and then I’ve got to help—”
“Wait, who?”
“Taylor,” Laci said. She sounded exasperated. “She’s a friend of mine – we teach together. She helped me out with this big project and I really owe her.” She narrowed her eyes. “And what is this? Do I seriously have to ask permission to go out with my own friends?”
I blinked. “I…I have no idea how you got that from what I said,” I said. “I’d just never heard the name before, that’s all.” Not to mention that Taylor could be a man, I thought, searching Laci’s face for any hint of a lie. Is she falling in love with someone else?
“Laci, have I done something?” I asked her. “You’d tell me if you were upset with me, wouldn’t you?”
Laci nodded. “You haven’t done anything,” she said. “We’ve just been seeing a lot of each other and I’ve neglected a lot of other things in my life. How about next Friday for dinner?”
I frowned. I didn’t like this – I wasn’t used to watching Laci hold back.
“I know something’s bothering you,” I said. “And I don’t know what it is – but I’d like you to tell me.”
Laci stepped back. “Jordan, this really isn’t a good time,” she said. She glanced down at her phone again. “I should get back to work.”
I stared at her, feeling like an idiot. “Fine,” I said. “If you want me to go, I’ll go.”
“Wait,” Laci said. She took my sleeve and gazed into my eyes. “Jordan, I really am sorry I can’t come out with you tonight, okay? Next week will be nice.” She stretched onto her tiptoes and kissed my cheek. “Besides, weren’t you the one who said that absence makes the heart grow fonder?”
Inwardly, I groaned. Goddamnit, I thought. To be caught in my own trap!
“Right,” I said, trying not to sound as irritated and unhappy as I felt. “I’ll see you then.”
As I let myself out of Laci’s apartment and walked down the stairs to the street, I wondered what I’d possibly done. What was the matter with Laci?
And why wouldn’t she just talk to me about it? I felt so frustrated that I could hardly see straight. Since we’d met, Laci had been the one who made a big deal out of being honest and truthful.
But now, I was worried that it would be too late.