Chapter Thirteen
Jordan
I felt like a dead man as I watched Laci run away from my limo, her heels clacking loudly on the Boston sidewalks. I was so angry that I wanted to run after her, to grab her and tell her not to run from me – that this was fate, and that we’d found a love unlike any other on this earth.
But I knew that wouldn’t help my case. If anything, it would just make Laci even angrier.
And I deserved every single bit of her anger. All this time, I’d gone around with my chest puffed out, thinking I was some big alpha male – the kind of man who could really take care of Laci and treat her right. The kind of man who could protect her and care for her.
A good man.
And now that I’d told the truth, she’d learned the exact opposite. I loved her for her initial reaction of doubt, but when I thought of how she’d cried and thrown up, I felt sick to my stomach. There was no way I could go home and face my empty condo without knowing if I’d ever see Laci again.
There was only one person who could help me.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I dialed Ken. When he answered, I asked him to meet me at a bar right across from the steak house where Laci and I had just enjoyed what I desperately hoped wouldn’t be our last date.
By the time Ken showed up, I was six shots deep into a bottle of whiskey. I’d paid the bartender to leave the bottle right next to me, and when Ken saw it and tried to grab it, I held on and growled possessively.
“Whoa, West,” Ken said. He sat down on the next stool to mine and pulled out his wallet. “What the fuck is going on with you?”
I sighed before launching into the whole fucked-up story. “I ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” I said before pouring myself another shot and downing it. By now, I was so drunk that I could hardly even taste the booze. “And she’s never coming back.”
“She said she needed time,” Ken replied. “So, give her some time. That was a lot to lay on her, Jordan. But I’m proud of you for telling the truth.”
I glared at him. “Who are you, my father?”
Ken sighed. “Come on,” he said. “Don’t be a dick.”
“Sorry,” I muttered. “I’m just so angry. I meant to tell her sooner. I meant to tell her before she told me that she loved me, and I fucking waited like a dumb asshole, and then my brother fucked everything up at me.”
Ken narrowed his eyes.
“I mean, I know James didn’t really do anything wrong,” I amended. “I’m just…”
“You’re looking for someone to be angry with,” Ken said. “I understand, Jordan. And I know how it feels. But blaming your brother isn’t going to magically make things any better or easier for you.”
“It sure fucking feels like it,” I muttered. “But yeah, you’re right. James didn’t ruin the best thing that ever happened to me. I did.”
“You’re being a little premature,” Ken said. He sipped his drink and leaned against the back of the stool. “You don’t know for certain that she won’t talk to you again – nothing is set in stone, you know that, don’t you?”
“You didn’t see that look in her eyes,” I said, shuddering as I remembered the naked hurt and betrayal that I’d seen on Laci’s face. “I don’t think she wants anything to do with me now. She doesn’t even believe that I didn’t plan that goddamn mugging.” I shook my head bitterly. “God, I’ve never hurt someone so badly as I hurt Laci tonight.”
Ken put a hand on my shoulder. It was the kind of thing that I normally would have never allowed, but I had to admit that it was slightly comforting to realize that he didn’t hate me, too.
“I’m such a fuck-up,” I groaned as I poured myself yet another shot.
Ken put his hand on mine when I tried to lift the shot to my mouth. “Whoa, how many is that?”
I rolled my eyes. “I stopped counting,” I said. “But when I finish the bottle, I know it’s going to be time for bed. I just hope I never wake up.”
“Jordan, look,” Ken said with uncharacteristic sharpness. “It hurts. I know you know that you fucked up, but look man, everything is going to work out. She loves you. You know she loves you – it’s not like you’re never going to hear from her again. The next couple of days are going to be really fucking hard but you need to keep doing your job and doing the best you can when it comes to working.”
I closed my eyes, feeling my world spin around me as the alcohol took effect.
“You know I’m right,” Ken said. He clapped me on the shoulder. “And you did the right thing, man. Imagine how much angrier she would be if she found out on her own.”
I sighed. More than ever I regretted my past. It haunted me like a ghost I couldn’t shake, like a shark swimming after me, desperate for my blood.
“Yeah,” I mumbled. “Whatever.”
“Jordan, whatever this is, it isn’t the end of things,” Ken said firmly. “You’re just going to have to trust me on that, all right?”
I glared at him.
“I think you’ve had enough to drink,” Ken said. He raised an eyebrow at me and held up the bottle. It was nearly empty, but I didn’t feel as drunk as I wanted to be. I wanted to be drunker than I’d ever been in my life. I wanted to be so blitzed that I couldn’t even stand. I wanted to be so fucked up that I couldn’t even think about Laci, or remember what her face looked like.
“No,” I growled. “I don’t think that’s true, Ken.”
Ken narrowed his eyes at me and held the bottle at a safe distance. “That may be,” he said. “But it’s time for you to go home, Jordan. Come on.” He reached for my arm and I tried to push him away, but I swung and missed and nearly fell to the floor. Shit, I thought. I’m drunker than I realized.
“Jordan,” Ken growled in a low voice. “Come on.”
“No,” I grunted defensively. It was funny – in my head, the word sounded normal. But when I spoke to Ken, it was just a slur.
This time when Ken reached for me, he gripped my elbow. Despite his smaller stature, he was more powerful than he looked and he dragged me across the bar until we were practically fighting in the doorway.
Ken hailed a cab and shoved me towards it.
“I have my own driver,” I slurred. “I’m successful, remember?”
Ken rolled his eyes. “Not tonight you’re not,” he said. “Come on, Jordan. Time to go.”
Ken half-walked, half-wrestled me towards the cab. My feet felt dangerously unsteady beneath the weight of my body and I grunted as I slipped forward on the pavement and slammed against the car. The driver rolled his eyes when he saw me and I could practically read his mind: “Oh, perfect, just another drunk Boston bro.”
“Take him home,” Ken said firmly before giving the driver my address. He handed the driver a stack of folded bills. “And don’t let him go anywhere else.”
“I’m not a little kid,” I slurred. “Fuck off, Ken.”
The driver pulled away from the curb with such surprising force that I slammed back against the seat. Now that I was in a moving vehicle, I was starting to feel sick. All of the booze I’d drank was sloshing around in my stomach and I gripped onto the seat with both hands to avoid sliding back and forth. It seemed like the driver was deliberately taking every difficult turn, if only to make me feel worse.
“Hey,” I slurred, leaning forward and grabbing ahold of the cabbie’s headrest. “Slow down, you’re gonna kill someone.”
The cabbie snorted and muttered something I couldn’t comprehend in a foreign language. Despite my complaint, the cab kept moving from side to side in a horrible rhythm that was threatening to make me sick. When we finally pulled up in front of my condo building, I could hardly stand. I reached into my pocket and fumbled with my wallet.
“Your friend, he pay,” the cabbie said. “You go home, now,” he added in a slightly disdainful tone.
I staggered over the curb and nearly collapsed in front of my building. The doorman looked at me with clear disgust as I maneuvered my way inside. There was a group of people waiting for the elevators and I sighed, leaning against the wall and rolling my eyes. They were dressed to the nines, obviously fresh from a night of their own partying. There was a girl that sort of looked like Laci – same petite build and brunette locks down to her shoulders – canoodling in the arm of one of the guys.
“Don’t do it,” I slurred, leaning closer. “Don’t even think about falling in love, man, it’ll fucking ruin your life.”
The group of people looked at me in surprise.
“I know,” I added, narrowing my eyes as I staggered back and forth on the marble floor. “Just don’t fuckin’ do it – you’ll regret it for the rest of your goddamned life.”
The brunette girl blinked at me and turned back to her boyfriend.
“Hey, man, cool it,” her boyfriend said. “Just take it easy.”
“Fuck you,” I snarled. I leapt forward, prepared to beat the shit out of him, but my reflexes weren’t as quick as they were in sobriety, and I skidded across the floor before falling right on my ass. The group of people burst out laughing just as the elevator doors dinged open. Before I could pick myself up, they were all inside and the doors were closing.
“God fucking damnit,” I muttered. “Nothing is fucking going right for me today!”
By the time I got upstairs to my condo, I was angry and resentful. Fucking assholes, I thought as I opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of beer. Gotta be so fucking smug and rub their happiness in my face like that.
Thinking about the couple made me think of Laci again. I pictured her gorgeous face and the gentle way she looked when she was sleeping. I thought about how sweet and floral she smelled – like some innocent girl, both wise and still young for her years.
God, I wanted her. I missed her so badly that I could almost taste it.
Without even thinking about it, I reached for my phone and swiped it open. My fingers were clumsy and thick as I dialed her number. I held the phone to my ear, praying that I would hear it ring.
It rang and rang, over and over. Groaning, I yanked the phone down and sat with it in my lap. When I heard the sweet sound of Laci’s voice over the message, my heart thudded anxiously in my chest.
“It’s me,” I slurred into the phone. “Jordan. You know – the guy you left earlier. Laci, I’m so fucking sorry – I need you, okay? I’ve never needed anyone before but I need you.”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized that I’d gone too far.
“Laci, I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “You shouldn’t have to hear that – I’m so sorry, goddamn it! Pick up!”
I swallowed, breathing hard. The alcohol was flowing through my veins and making my head pound and throb with every heartbeat. I felt sick and exhausted and most of all, heartbroken. I stared down at the screen of my phone for what felt like hours, waiting for Laci to call me back.
When I realized that I’d probably ruined my last chance with her forever, I fell into a restless and troubled sleep.
***
In the morning, I woke up on the couch with warm beer spilled all over my lap. My phone was still clutched in my fingers and to my dismay, there were no missed calls from Laci. There wasn’t even a text. My heart sunk when I realized what time it was – it was past eleven-thirty. There was no way that Laci hadn’t seen the call from me, and I knew that she’d probably listened to the message.
My head was throbbing and my mouth felt like cotton as I sat up and rubbed my face with one hand. I have to make this right, I thought as I reached for a lukewarm bottle of water on the table. I have to make sure she knows I love her.
I dialed Laci’s number again, mentally preparing myself for Laci’s anger and wrath. As soon as she answered, I spoke.
“Laci, it’s me, I—”
“I know who it is,” a female voice replied. “And Laci can’t come to the phone right now. She’s busy.”
I blinked. “Jenna? Is that you?”
“Yeah, genius,” Jenna replied sarcastically. “Look, Laci told you that she needs some space. You shouldn’t have called her last night – you really upset her.”
“I did? Fuck,” I muttered. “Jenna, you’ve got to tell her how sorry I am. I swear, I never wanted to hurt her. I’d never do anything to hurt Laci.”
“I don’t have to do anything,” Jenna said. “But you need to respect Laci’s wishes. If she wants to speak to you again, you’ll know.”
I sighed. “I was shitfaced, and I shouldn’t have said anything,” I replied. “I shouldn’t have even called.”
Jenna sighed. “No, you shouldn’t have,” she said. “But you did – and right now, you’re going to hang up.”
Before I could answer her curt remark, Jenna hung up. I groaned as I looked down at the screen, knowing there was no way I’d be able to dig myself out of this mess I’d created. It was all my fucking fault, and I was never going to forgive myself if I couldn’t get Laci back.
I stood up from the couch and groaned, stretching until my knuckles grazed the ceiling of my living room. I felt like shit, but I knew that I should go into work and take care of some shit before settling in for the day and wallowing in my own misery. But first, I was going to have to eat something unless I wanted to puke everywhere. The idea of consuming food was disgusting, but my mouth still tasted like whiskey and regret.
As I stumbled into the kitchen, my phone buzzed on the living room table. Laci! I thought as I whirled around and grabbed the phone to swipe open the call. Jenna must’ve told her I called!
“Hello?”
“Jordan, it’s Nathan,” a deep male voice said. “I finally got your man.”
“Holy shit, no fucking way,” I said. “Where is he?”
“He’s been living in some shithole in Jamaica Plain for the past couple of weeks,” Nathan said. He coughed wetly. “You got a pen?”
I reached into my pocket and grabbed a pen, baring my arm as Nathan gave me the address.
“You want me to confront him?” Nathan asked. “I’m legally protected, you know. There’s no telling what this asshole might try.”
“No,” I said darkly. “This is something I have to take care of myself.”
When I hung up, I no longer felt like a miserable, pathetic man. I finally had something on Leo – and if I could get him to change his ways, maybe Laci would forgive me. As quickly as I could, I shoved down a disgusting microwave burrito and dressed in an inconspicuous pair of dark jeans with a black button-down shirt. I reeked of whiskey, but there wasn’t time to change.
At least, not if I wanted to catch Leo off-guard.
Instead of using my driver, I called a cab. As we rode across the city, I realized with a shiver of anticipation that the moment I’d been waiting for had finally arrived. I was going to confront Leo and demand that he change his ways, just like I’d done. All I could do was hope that I alone would be enough to persuade him. I wanted Leo to turn himself into the police, to take responsibility for what he’d done. But if he was involved with drugs – or something even worse – I wasn’t sure I’d have the power to convince him to do anything at all.
I had the cab driver drop me at the end of the street. From the outside, it didn’t look too bad. But there were surly teenage kids hanging out in almost every doorway, smoking cigarettes and trying to look five years older. I rolled my eyes as a group of them gave me the finger in unison. When I got to the address that Nathan had given me, I knocked on the door.
When it swung open, I wasn’t nearly prepared for what I saw. A brunette woman stood there dressed in a tight, clingy dress that left little to the imagination. Her makeup was heavy enough to be a hooker’s, and there was a cigarette pinched in her fingers. It had been a long time since I’d laid eyes on her, but it was unmistakably the same woman who had led me into ruin. Her hair was streaked with tasteful white and gray instead of blonde, and there were crow’s feet around her eyes, but it was definitely her.
I blinked. “Blair?”
The woman laughed harshly. “Honey, what the hell do you want?”
“It’s Jordan,” I said sharply. “Jordan West. And I’m here to see Leo.”
Blair’s jaw dropped and for a moment, her carefully composed mask faded away. I could see the shock in her eyes. It was the only time I’d ever seen true emotion from her, and for some reason that hit me like a punch in the gut.
“The fuck you want with him?” Blair asked.
“That’s between me and Leo,” I said. “Move.”
Blair squared her shoulders, pushing her large chest out. She made doe eyes at me. “Honey, you haven’t forgotten me, have you?” She batted her eyelashes and cocked her head to the side. “We had some fun together, didn’t we?”
“Yeah,” I retorted bitterly. “Until you framed me for grand theft auto, you remember that?”
Blair rolled her eyes. “You were always so dramatic,” she said. She lifted a hand towards me but I stepped to the side and pushed her out of the way in one smooth motion.
“Hey,” Blair said indignantly. “You can’t do that! This is my house!”
I snorted. “Yeah, right.” I strolled through the living room, glancing over the floor. It was a filthy apartment, with old pizza boxes on the dirty floor and furniture that looked like something a thrift-shop would reject. The kitchen wasn’t much better. I saw a rat skitter under the oven as I passed by. The door of the fridge was open and a foul, moldy smell hung in the air.
Leo was sitting in an empty room towards the back of the space, smoking a cigarette that was down to the nub. He frowned when he saw me.
“West, what the fuck are you doing here?”
“I want to help you, man,” I said. I stepped closer and crossed my arms over my chest. “I know what kind of shit you’re up to, and I want you to stop.”
Leo stared at me for a moment before breaking into hideous laughter that was reminiscent of nails on a chalkboard.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Leo said. “What the fuck are you even talking about? What are you now, some kind of cop?”
I shook my head and pulled out my card case before handing Leo a card. “I’m the CEO of a trading firm,” I said. “I pulled my shit together, Leo, and now my life is so much better.”
“Blair,” Leo called over his shoulder. “Get the fuck in here!”
Blair walked into the room, her heels clicking on the hardwood floors. In the natural light that streamed in from a nearby window, she looked even older than she had before.
“What?” Blair asked in a caustic voice. “Don’t fuckin’ yell at me,” she added, rubbing her ears and wincing. “You know I’ve got a hangover.”
“This son of a bitch thinks I’m going to start living a ‘real life’ and quit on you,” Leo said with a smirk. He reached into the back of his jeans and I tensed, thinking he was going to emerge with a gun. But instead, he held a neatly-wrapped ball of cash, held together with elastic bands.
“You make this kind of money, West?” Leo asked in a mocking voice.
“Yeah,” I said. “I do.” I glared at him. “And if you do the right thing and turn yourself into the cops, you can, too.”
Leo glared at me. “Fuck you, man,” he said. “And then what? Go to prison for the rest of my life and then come out an old man? You don’t know anything about me now,” he added.
“I know you’re still mugging girls for money,” I said. “And I know that if you were really doing as well as you’re pretending, you wouldn’t be doing that shit. Hell, you wouldn’t be doing anything on the street at all.”
Leo opened his mouth to reply but then frowned and pressed his lips together.
“Leo, baby, you’re doing just fine,” Blair said. She draped a protective arm around Leo’s shoulder and leaned closer to me. “You see this?” She asked, touching a diamond pendant at her neck. “Leo brought this home for me, as a present.”
“He could buy you a fucking jewelry store if he gets his life back on track,” I said.
“Hey,” Blair said angrily. “Fuck you, don’t insult my man like that!”
“West, we knew each other a long goddamned time ago,” Leo said. He inhaled sharply, then spat on the floor. “And you were a different fucking person, but look – you gotta realize something. I ain’t. I’m the same goddamn man you knew before.”
I stared. It was hard to believe that someone like Leo, someone who was obviously bright and brave and strong, would turn his back on the chance to clean himself up. But then I remembered my own trajectory. How Blair had seduced me into a life that I was too stupid to know would be the end of me. And then I realized that no matter how bright and brave Leo McKinney was, this had been his decision.
I held up my hands in the air. “Fine,” I said. There was a hard edge of steel in my voice. “Make your own goddamned mistakes, then.”
Leo and Blair looked at each other in confusion. I thought about staying, about giving Leo one more chance. But deep down, I knew that there was no way he could be saved. There was no way Leo would ever want a life like mine.
And now that I’d failed to bring him around, there was only one other thing that I could do.
If it was the last thing I did, I’d make sure Leo – and Blair – paid for their crimes.