Chapter 19 – Lola

I stomp with rage down the street, hating the world as I make my way back to the motel. I shouldn’t have come out, I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea. I also don’t know how I thought I’d escape seeing him in this whole city. It doesn’t matter how many people are here, we’re pulled to one another like magnets. Even if we want to repel each other, we can’t.

Well, at least I know now that it’s a good thing me and Brandon didn’t work out. He did me a favor by sneaking off in the middle of the night without saying goodbye. Maybe my heart was shattered in the process, but it saved me trying to do the long distance thing. I never could’ve made that work with a man who sleeps about. I never could have trusted him.

Asshole, I think as a burning redness clouds my vision. What an asshole!

Hate burns in my chest, it aches and agonizes. I hate him with every single bit of me. I hate him so much it makes me want to cry. I can feel myself shaking violently as I move. I need to get out of here, I need to get this treatment done for Dad and leave as quickly as I possibly can.

Once the flickering, half broken lights of the motel come into view, I pause for a moment to calm myself down. I suck in a couple of deep breaths and I try to slow my heart rate. I can’t let my father see me this way, all tied up in stressed knots. It’ll hurt him and he’s going through enough. I’m reminded once more that this trip isn’t about me. I don’t need to think about any of this. I just need to push Brandon to the back of my mind, where he’s been for the last few months.

I clutch the bag tighter between my fingers and I take the last few steps, closing the gap between me and the front door. Then I reach into my pocket to grab out the keys to the room…

“Oh shit,” I mutter to myself as I desperately grab around only to grab nothing. “Oh my God. Where are they? What the hell?”

I clap my hand to my forehead as I realize that somewhere along the way I must have dropped them. The thought of making the journey all the way back to the pharmacist where he was makes me feel sick. Of course he probably isn’t there anymore, he’s probably at the party getting a blow job from his beautiful, young assistant. Still, I don’t want to be anywhere he is. Or was. Or might be.

I knock on the door a few times, and press my ear up against the door to listen for movement inside. There’s nothing, my dad must still be asleep. Of course he is, and he’s a heavy sleeper too which leaves me pretty much screwed.

Before I start on the long, and quite frankly humiliating, journey back to the drug store, I decide to try the reception desk. They must have a spare key which I can use for now, then I can go and search for the keys later on or in the morning, when I’m more certain that he’ll be gone.

It’s dark and dingy when I get inside the reception area, and the girl behind the desk doesn’t even bother to look up when she spots me, but I don’t let that derail me.

“Erm, excuse me?” I ask quietly. Still she ignores me. “Excuse me, miss?”

With an angry sounding sigh she drags her eyes away from the magazine she’s reading and she stares at me. She blows a bubble with her gum and pops it loudly. It’s things like this that remind me that while I’ve earned some money to help my dad, I haven’t earned much. Not enough to afford us somewhere nice to stay.

“What can I do for you?” she snaps sarcastically.

“I have erm.” I have a feeling that saying I lost the key won’t work out well. “I’ve locked myself out of my room. My dad’s in there but he’s asleep.”

She rolls her eyes and pops her gum again. “Whatever, what room are you in?”

“Two five eight.”

She opens a box and takes out a key before giving it to me. “If both keys don’t come back, you’ll be charged for it. I’m making a note now.”

Right, so I am going to have to get the other key back somehow. I suppose if I actually want to retrieve it then I’ll have to go now. If I dropped it on the street while stomping in a temper, then I need to get it back before anyone else picks it up. Plus, I suppose anyone could get it, then me and dad would be in danger all night long. Well, all the tie we’re in the room.

It might make me feel exhausted, but I still have to do it.

I get back to the room and unlock the door. Dad is still there, asleep in the chair as if he hasn’t even noticed me gone. I smile to myself, glad that at least he’s okay now, and put the bag down in front of him. Then, just before I leave I take the seat opposite him. I watch him breathing in and out for a while, just wishing that I could take away his pain. If I had more money, if I’d made something of my life, then maybe I would be able to.

Right, I need to go, I think as I stand back up again. My legs protest wearily, but I force them to keep on moving. The last thing I can afford right now is a fee for a room key. All of this is crushing me as it is. Get the key, then come back and shut the world out.

All I want to do is lock away the world, that’s how I’ve been feeling ever since I got here, but things keep preventing me from doing so.

“Oh.” As soon as I get outside, the urge to run back in to slam the door closed intensifies. This is one thing in the world I want to avoid, but it’s here, right outside my door. “Brandon. What are you doing here?”

“I…” He holds out the key to me, making my heart sink and rise all at the same time. “I found your key at the drug store and I thought you might need it back.”

“Right, thank you.” That’s sweet, he came all the way here to give me the key. But I don’t want him to be sweet when actually he’s been cruel. “Erm, yeah thanks. That saves me from going out to find it.”

I should go inside now, I know that, but I don’t. Something’s keeping me fixed in one place, looking at him. Waiting for him to say something.

“Right, good. And…” He pauses thoughtfully for a moment. “I guess I just want to say I’m sorry for the crappy way things went. Before and now. I never should have left. Not in the way that I did.”

“No, you shouldn’t.” My tone is firm and cold. “But it doesn’t matter, does it? We were never supposed to be anything. Nothing but a fling.”

The thought that was once so exciting to me, the idea of an anonymous fling, now feels dirty and sick. I never really wanted it to be that way between me and him, I think I figured that much out from the beginning. I didn’t ever want to be just another notch on his bed post. But that’s what I am. That’s what I became anyway.

He steps closer to me with a softened expression and I straighten my back so he can’t see me softening inside. I don’t want to be weak, I don’t want him to get the better of me, but I can feel it happening all the same.

“I think we both know it wasn’t just a fling, don’t we? I think we both know it quickly became something more.” I don’t know what to say to that. I can hardly breathe under the pressure of him standing so close to me. “I know it got messed up at the end, but it wasn’t always that, was it? We had fun, didn’t we?”

I shake my head, trying to get rid of all the good thoughts. I have a horrible feeling that he’s just trying to win me around now so he can get me back into bed while we’re here. I’m probably some sort of challenge, or something. He’ll spend an hour or so with me, then get to his party and his PA like some horrible rich man cliché.

“I guess so, but that’s a long time ago now. Lots has happened since then.” I mean, not to me but he doesn’t need to know that. “So, it hardly matters, does it?”

“I think it does.” I want to stop the stream of words from coming out of his mouth, but I don’t know how. I stuff my hands into my pockets and barely listen to him talk instead. “I think it matters a lot. That’s why I did the lake.”

The lake… he’s talking about the lake.

“I… didn’t see it,” I lie. “I didn’t see the lake at all.” He gives me a look which suggests he can see right through me so I relent. I don’t like lying about the place that’s very important to me. “Okay, so I did see it once. Or twice, but it isn’t the easiest place in the world for me to go. All the memories of Mom and… you know.”

I glance downwards because I don’t want him to see me getting all choked up. I hate that I’m so emotional, I really don’t want him to see me this way.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I don’t know how much I thought it through really, I just wanted to do something nice for you. I didn’t think of the possible after effects.”

“What, while you did something shitty?” I can’t help it, I need to remind him of what he did. “While you ran away?”

“Yeah, that wasn’t supposed to happen, not when I started.”

We stand in silence for a few moments. All the time I try to work out what I should say next. I don’t want him here, I have nothing that I want to say to him anymore, but at the same time I don’t know if I’m ready for him to go yet either. It’s a tug of war inside of me that I don’t know how to deal with.

Then I hear a stirring inside the bedroom, which draws my attention back to my father. He’s waking up now, and he’ll probably need my help.

“Right, well I suppose I better go,” I say regretfully while taking a step backwards. “My dad needs me so I need to get back to him. I guess,” I give him a shrug. “I guess it’s been good seeing you.”

“Yes it has. Do you want to…” I can tell he’s about to ask me to see him again which causes me to panic again. I don’t know if I can heck be going through all of this again, especially when it isn’t going anywhere.

But he doesn’t manage to finish his sentence, which is a blessing, but it’s one in disguise because he’s stopped by my dad swinging the motel room door open to find out what me and Brandon are up to.

“Oh…” Dad cocks his head curiously. “Lola, I thought I heard you out here. Is everything okay?”

Is everything okay? What a loaded question. It leaves me speechless, and also a little breathless. I don’t know what to say.