Chapter 23 – Lola

What have I agreed to? I think with a head shake as I pull my dress over my head. I’m supposed to be avoiding Brandon, not spending more time with him! I’m also really concerned that I might have given him the wrong end of the stick by being all touchy feely with him today. That was just an accident, I was all happy about seeing the doctor and grateful to him for helping that happen.

“You look nice,” Dad calls out from behind me. “That dress looks awesome on you.”

I spin around and give him a glare. “Dad, I really feel like this is your fault.”

“What? I encouraged you to go out for a night of fun.” He rolls his eyes and tries to act all innocent. Does he honestly think I don’t know what he’s doing? “You need it.”

“A night of fun? Just funny that it’s with Brandon. Are you trying to encourage something?” I might as well dive right in and find out the truth. “What do you think will happen tonight? You do remember what happened last year, don’t you?”

Dad blushes a little and looks away from me. “Okay, I’ll admit it, I might be trying to push you and Brandon together.” I cross my arms angrily across my body. “But that’s because I really think there might be something there between you. Of course, I haven’t forgotten what happened last year, I know how sad it made you, but I’m also one for second chances. It’s obvious he knows that he’s made a mistake and it seems to me that he wants to make it up to you.” I roll my eyes in a dramatic fashion, but that doesn’t stop him from continuing. “I think you should give him a chance.”

I blow out a deep breath of air and let his words wash over me. “I don’t know, Dad. It isn’t that simple, is it? He broke my heart when he left before and I don’t know if I can trust him not to do that again.”

Dad leans onto his knees with his elbows and he holds out his hands to me. I don’t have a choice but to go and hold them so I can really listen to what he has to say. I might not want to hear it, but my father has no intention of letting me get away with that.

“Love never runs smooth,” he tells me simply as if it’s completely obvious. “Anyone that tells you their love story was a smooth one is lying.”

“But what about you and Mom?” I whine a bit pitifully. “Didn’t you just see one another, fall in love, and make a long distance thing work?”

He shrugs. “Maybe that’s how I made it sound, but I was lying. I didn’t mean to lie, but now that Denise has gone is easy to see things through rose tinted glasses. We went back and forth for a bit, both of us were unsure about whether or not it was worth it. We even dated other people in between.”

I’m stunned. I can’t believe that. I thought Mom and Dad had the perfect marriage. I suppose they did, but they just had some road bumps to get them there. I haven’t dated anyone else in between the times that I’ve spent with Brandon, but I don’t know about him. If I fall into the trap of believing what that guy in the drug store said then he’s been with lots of different skanks.

“Wow, Dad that’s… I didn’t know.”

“Look, we both made mistakes. That’s why I’m telling you that you shouldn’t turn your back on Brandon just because he made one mistake. You know that I’m here to protect you, you know that I don’t want you to get hurt and I’m telling you that I don’t think he’ll do it again.”

“How do you know?” I ask him breathlessly. “Seriously?”

“I know because I can see it in his eyes.” My dad’s tone is so matter of fact that it takes me back a bit. “I can tell.” He leans forward and kisses me on the cheek. “I just want you to be happy, that’s all. Now.” He takes his hands from mine and pats them on his legs. “I’m going to bed so you can enjoy your night out. Have fun.” He winks at me. “And I’ll see you at some point tomorrow.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I gush. “Dad, what are you saying?”

“I’m just saying if you stay out all night long drinking, partying, and having fun, then I don’t mind. I will be absolutely fine and I’ll just see you tomorrow.”

I roll my eyes and smirk at him. There’s no way I won’t be back here tonight. No matter what happens, I’ll be back at this motel. This is only dinner and drinks. Nothing to worry about at all. Even if I feel like I might want to go that far, I won’t…

No, stop it! For the past year I haven’t been the dreamer that I once was. I don’t sit around and day dream about being famous and I certainly don’t fantasize about men anymore, but now with Brandon here I can feel my mind wandering. The only problem is my imagination tends to get the better of me and it makes me do crazy things. I really don’t want to do anything crazy, I don’t want to regret him again.

“Right, come on, let’s get you into bed and then I can finish doing my hair and make up.”

I grab hold of Dad and I take him towards the bed like it’s second nature to me. I’ve spent so long doing this that it’s just a part of me now. Getting his body to work in certain ways is just ingrained within me.

Once he’s in and tucked under the sheets, I lean down to give him a kiss on the head. “Thank you for all your advice, Dad, but I’m going to be honest I don’t know if this is going to work out like you think it is.” I need him to be prepared, just in case. He might have this idea of a nice guy in his mind, but I’m still reserving judgement.

“I know,” he agrees. “I just want you to give it a try. I just want you to see. And just so you know, this isn’t because I know he’s paid for the treatment.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know he knew that. I can’t deny it if he knows. Brandon might even have told him, even though he told me to keep it secret. “Right, well…”

“I worked it out, Lola. Come on.” Dad laughs at me. “I’m just saying this has nothing to do with that, just go out there and have fun. You deserve it.”

I nod and breathe deeply, feeling even more terrified than before. This is so damn scary, I feel like it’s a night totally loaded with meaning and pressure. I wonder if Brandon is feeling it too. I wonder if he’s sat at his house wondering where this night will lead.

I grab my make up bag and start brushing it onto my cheeks, trying to make myself look more beautiful than I have done in a very long time. This reminds me of last year when I used to play about being the cowgirl for Brandon. But this time I’m not playing a game, I’m just being me. A slightly prettier version of me. I lighten my already pale features, and I highlight my blue eyes, then I start on my hair. I grab all my equipment, planning to do something to style my hair but in the end I simply run a brush through it and I leave it hanging loose.

Right. I nod at myself in the mirror. Panic coils like an ice cold snake through my system. Just get through tonight. Just… have fun. It’ll be fine.

I don’t know if I will be, but I have to give myself some sort of pep talk or I’ll never get myself out the door. I’ll never go to see Brandon and find out what it could be between us. Much as I’m not sure if it’s a good idea or not, I don’t want to never know. I need closure one way or another. I can’t keep wondering either way.

“Right, Dad. I’m off…” I spin around, ready to say goodbye, but he’s already asleep. I watch him for a moment, unsure whether or not I’m going to be grateful to him once all of this is over. I suppose either way I’m going to get an answer, and that’s what I need. “Okay. Bye.”

As I walk out the door, my heart hammers in my rib cage. He’s supposed to be meeting me outside in about five minutes but I need a moment alone just to calm myself down. I never really had a date with Brandon as such, we just sort of fell together in a really natural way. The chemistry pulled us in, it connected us, it clamped us together and wouldn’t let us go. Now, things can’t be so natural, we have all this history holding us back. If we’re going to do this, if we’re really going to go in, then it needs to be with our eyes wide open.

I bounce up and down on my feet and I swing my arms idly by my side. I want that carefree side to me back, I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life.

Come on, Lola. You can do this.

I hear a car in the distance which only heightens all of the terrifying emotions. My eyes scan everywhere and soon I see a black, flash looking vehicle pulling up. It looks silly outside this dirty motel, it really doesn’t fit in, which means it has to be him. I suppose it reminds me of us in a way, he’s much too flash and over the top for me, I’m just a simple country girl, but somehow we made it work once. Maybe we could do so again.

The car pulls to a halt in front of me and I curl my fingers around the hem of my dress as I wait for him to get out. My palms feel sweaty, my heart hammers violently, I feel shaky all over. This is too mush. The door open much too slowly and a leg comes out. One that’s wearing expensive looking trousers. I already know that in my cheap, high street dress that I won’t fit in with him, but I don’t think I mind. I certainly don’t feel self conscious.

Then the rest of him comes out the car and my heart leaps up into my throat. He’s devastatingly handsome, the best looking man that I’ve ever seen in my life, and I really do think that my dad might be right. It does seem that he wants to make things up to me. There’s such a love shining in his eyes that it’s almost irresistible.

“You look nice,” he says as he gets closer to me. “Beautiful actually.” He leans down and kisses me on the cheek which sends butterflies flapping everywhere inside me. “Are you ready to go?”

No, it’s too much, make an excuse, don’t do it! My brain is frantic, almost out of control. It’s screaming at me so loudly that I almost can’t ignore it. I could make an excuse, I could use my father as a way out of this… but is that what I want? Do I want to ignore the churning in my stomach, the warmth in my chest, the feelings that I haven’t ever had before?

“Erm, yes,” I reply, following my heart instead of my head with a desperate hope that it’s the right thing to do. “Let’s go.”